Chapter 39: Home Run

It's quite ridiculous that I'm driving to Busan just to attend a frickin' birthday party. What's even more ridiculous is that I'm driving with a sleeping Amber Liu beside me. She tried to keep her eyes open but an hour into the journey she's already apologizing for being so tired from her schedules and needing some nap time. I let her doze off, cranking up the volume of G. Soul's crooning for past love and girls with boyfriends. As we move past the beautiful countryside, I start to wonder what Jihoo would do when he finds my birthday surprise for him.

My favorite cousin is throwing a small party at Nana Kyung's house and I promised to Skype before the festivities. I called Amber to invite her over for dinner so she can wish him a happy birthday too over Skype but she suggested we drive to Busan instead to surprise him, FOR REAL. I couldn't say no because Amber is persistent like that. It's baffling how people like them—like Amber and Jackson—manage to keep up with everything that's happening in their lives. They're always on stage or on TV, performing and talking in front of so many people. They fly from one country to another but they also make time for friends, collaborations, workouts, and quiet walks along Han River. For instance, Amber just came back from an awards show in Singapore and yet here she is, going on a four-hour drive at 9AM on a Saturday to surprise the only Korean relative I've managed to build strong connections with—aside from Nana Kyung, of course. Between my full-time job and gigs, I'm usually left feeling like a sack of potatoes. Amber laughed when I told her that. She said, "Hey, potatoes are good. You can't make French fries without potatoes."

Speaking of French fries, I'm getting hungry. I decide to make a detour at a gasoline station by the side of the road to grab some food. As if on cue, Amber wakes up as soon as I stop to fill up my tank. "Hey are you hungry?" I ask.

"I'm fine. I just need coffee, I think." She answers, stretching like a cat in the passenger's seat.

"Okay, do you mind filling the tank? I'll go grab us food and coffee. Iced, right?" She nods as I get off the car. I head to the store, mind swirling with so many thoughts until my phone starts vibrating.

Jackson: Love?

Love: Yeah?

Jackson: Where are you?

Love: Uhm... I'm with Amber... Going to Busan.

Jackson: What?!

Love: *sweat smile emoji*

Jackson: Why?

Love: We're visiting my family.

Jackson: Why didn't you tell me? I could've gone with you!

Love: Jackson you need to rest.

Jackson: I'm fine, I've rested.

Love: Please, you've been very busy, you need to stay at home.

Love: Besides, I don't think it's wise for us to be seen together, even if we're with Amber.

There's a long pause before I see Jackson typing a reply again, giving me enough time to pay for the coffee and the truckload of snacks in my basket.

Jackson: Did Jinyoung Hyung talk to you about it?

Love: No, no one's really talking about it. It's fine, I don't really care.

Jackson: Well that kinda hurts because I do.

I stop dead in my tracks, arms full with the iced coffee and the plastic bag filled with snacks. For some reason I start feeling nervous, perhaps even worried. I decide to stall and pocket my phone, my mind whirring with a million questions and regrets. I get in the car, hand one of the cups to Amber and take my incessantly vibrating phone out of my pocket again to see Jackson's messages.

"What's wrong? Who's messaging you?" Amber asks, seeing the knot on my forehead.

Jackson: How can you not care?!

Jackson: I care because my career is on the line...

Jackson: But I care about you more.

Jackson: I don't want to ruin your career or your image with a pesky dating rumor.

Jackson: Hey...

Jackson: Are you mad at me?

Jackson: Please talk to me.

I shake my head, put my phone on the dashboard and start the car again. "Nothing... It's just... It's Jackson, you know what he's like." I say, easing back into the road. I explain that Jackson asked where I was and that he wanted to join us, omitting the other parts. We both agree that he needs some rest. I let Amber babble about the fact that Jackson is kind of a workaholic, and I argue that she's basically the same.

"Hey, to be fair, I need to work extra hard. My company does nothing for me. You guys are lucky to be working at JYP." There's a slight bitterness in her tone that I've never heard before. I fix my eyes in front, keeping quiet to give her the space to rant. She starts talking about the many thing she wished she knew before flying to South Korea to pursue a far-fetched dream. To this, I nod incessantly, knowing all about the what ifs, what should've beens, and what could've beens that you get the moment after your first year living in a foreign country. My phone starts vibrating again, this time more aggressively than before. I hesitantly take a peek at the caller ID. Still Jackson. "You should probably take this," Amber says, taking my phone and sliding to the answer button for me.

"Jackson?" I shout.

"Are you mad at me? Why aren't you answering me?!" He says, voice reverberating against the walls of my car because my phone is still connected to the Bluetooth speakers.

"Because I'm driving! We have two more hours to go, can't you wait until then?" The line goes silent. If it wasn't for Amber speaking up, I'd look to see if he's still there.

"Jackson it's Amber."

"Amber where are you? Why the heck are you guys traveling?"

"I have no idea but we're in the... uhh... freeway right now. We're going to Busan to surprise Love's cousin."

"I wanted to come along but—"

"No, are you kidding me?! You can't be seen together!" I'm momentarily frightened by the fact that Amber knows what's going on. What was I thinking?! Of course she knows. She's one of the very few idols with social media presence worth taking note of and since most of the buzz is happening on Twitter I realize she would have easily seen it on her timeline. "You need to let the issue fizzle down. Until then try not to meet in person, not even in the company. There's like a 90% chance even the people in your company are observing you guys. You have to prove it's not true."

Jackson sighs audibly in frustration and I grip the steering wheel harder as I wait for his reply. He's way too altruistic to consent to this madness. Why do we have to explain ourselves when we're not even guilty of anything? Besides, I didn't think that wearing his jacket and his cap would fan the flames of the dating rumor. "Fine, I won't push it. But promise to call me when you get there." He asks after a few seconds of dead air.

"I promise." I answer promptly. I feel like we have loads to talk about, Jackson and I.

"So you're not mad at me right?"

"Mhmmm..."

"Please just say no. If you don't I'll probably overthink this within the next two hours."

"Oh my god, Jackson!" I blurt, sighing in exasperation. "No, I'm not mad. I'm BUSY." I'm getting more and more agitated. Here I am, trying my best to ignore the gnawing feeling of confusion and guilt and worry and hurt after reading all the scathing comments of angry fangirls all over the world, and there's Jackson being annoying as always. "I'll call you, okay. Just chill the fuck out and let me drive in peace."

"Okay, but like—" Jackson starts again, making Amber sigh.

"She said she'll call you. Bye, Jackson!" My friend says before dropping the call amidst Jackson's protests. "God, that's... You have a LOT of messages..." Amber trails, staring at the notifications on my lockscreen.

"It's nothing..." I answer tentatively, hoping to get a free pass from having to vomit out explanations because that's not exactly a safe thing to do while driving.

"Oh come on, I know what it's about. Mark told me what happened at the dorm."

"What?! Oh my god, does he think it's a funny story I like telling all of my friends? It's so embarrassing!"

"Did you know that they even had a meeting after you left?!"

"No!" I feel like I'm being suffocated by an airbag.

"Jackson told Mark off for being so loud and Jinyoung had to calm Mark down because he said Jackson was being petty and JB said he's reinforcing the no guests rule so yeah... Consider that your last home visit."

"And no one even bothered to tell me this?!"

"Maybe they didn't want you think it's your fault."

"It IS my fault, Amber. It's all my fault." I say defeatedly. I'm just glad there are nicer, older fans holding on the defense end for our sake because without JYP's acknowledgement, we can't move. Jackson can't talk, and all I can do is keep a low profile and wait for things to settle down. I was stupid. I should've never left work early that day. I should've went straight home and brewed my own coffee like always instead of buying one at a place where lots of fans are waiting. I should've stopped Mark. I should've never said yes to picking up Jackson at the airport. I should have never kissed Jackson, because if I didn't I wouldnt feel weird about him telling me he cares for me.

"Wait..." She goes silent for a full minute before gently placing my phone back on the dashboard. G. Soul starts playing again in the background. "Why is it your fault? Is there something I should know? I mean, I know people are talking about how you guys might be dating because of the jacket and the cap and the hickeys—which I'm sure came from Mark—but I feel like I'm missing out on something here..." She says.

God, why is she so smart?! I let out a long, deep sigh. I can't hold it in anymore. "We kissed." I blurt out.

"Who? You and Jackson?!" She asks, voice blaring across the small distance between us. Even without looking at her, I can tell she's shell-shocked. I nod gently, praying she won't tell that I've made a terrible mistake because that's one thing I already know. "Does Mark know about it?" I nod again, in the brink of tears at being reminded that the two boys fought because of me. I try to hold back my emotions in as much as I can because even though I want nothing but to let it all out of my chest, I can't deal with the fact that I really don't have the right to it. I may have been sleeping with Mark and I may have kissed Jackson and they may have fought over it, but I still have no rightful place in any of this. Amber asks me to explain what happened and I finally spill all the details that even Liv didn't know about.

"Fuck, why am I so stupid?! Why did I even agree to that?! How did we even get there?! One minute we're talking about dogs and the next minute we're kissing." Amber just stares at the winding road before us. I wonder if she's judging and hating me in her head right now. Franky, I don't think she can hate me more than I hate myself for getting into this sticky situation.

"So that's why Mark said that..." I turn my head towards Amber momentarily, my eyes leaving the road for a split-second. She seems to be analyzing something.

"What do you mean?"

"Well, he asked for advice..."

"About what?"

"About you."

"What about me?" Amber contemplates for a bit before speaking up again. "Mark really likes you, but he's worried."

"Why?"

"Honestly? We both think that Jackson is starting to like you too."

"But you know Jackson, that's just how he is."

"Yeah, I know Jackson very well and he's a really sweet kid but he's not the kind who'd go around kissing his Noonas. Tell me, did he act differently after the kiss? Does he message more often? Is he way more annoying than before? Does he compliment you more? Is he extra nice and funny?" Amber stares and waits for an answer but it doesn't come. I gnaw at my lower lip, thinking back on the past few months and realizing bit by bit that Jackson has indeed done everything she just said. "Trust me, I've known Jackson for years. I've known him since his trainee days. I've seen him struggle like this before and Mark is convinced that Jackson's just holding back because of him. And of course he hates seeing his friend like that but he likes you. No, scratch that, I think Mark loves you now."

A bitter laughter escapes me. "No he doesn't." I say, suddenly quieting Amber. She waits for me to speak up again as I make a turn towards Busan's entry road. We see the pretty sea glinting like diamonds in the distance. "He's not in love, Amber, he's probably just confused."

"Where is the denial coming from, Love?"

"I am not in denial, okay. Has it ever occurred to you that maybe all we have is just... Attachment?! He's the first guy I've been involved with physically since living here and I'm the first girl he's had since... I don't know, trainee days?! Don't you get it? We've had a lot of firsts and we've shown each other parts of ourselves that we've never shown to other people and that's hard to let go so we just go around thinking we're in love when clearly we are not."

The silence drowns us as I drive along the beach lined road. For a moment all we can hear are the sounds of waves crashing. I can tell that what I said got Amber thinking. Is it love when the only thing keeping us together is physical attraction? Is it love when all we do is think of ways to get away with lying and hiding? Is it love when I literally can't look at myself in the mirror because I don't even recognize myself anymore?

"I've been in love before Amber." I add, my voice calm despite the emotions crashing down on me like giant waves. "It didn't end so nicely but I did learn that when you're in love you want to be better. You want the other person to be better too and that's... That's not how it is with us... We support each other, and we care for each other, sure. But at the end of the day I'm still no good for him."

"You need to be nicer to yourself, you know?" Amber says before sipping her coffee again.

"I don't even like who I'm turning out to be. I never thought I'd be the kind of person who would have the capacity to make or break someone's future." We both fall silent. I roll the windows down to let the cold breeze in. Hopefully the wind would do a better job at drying the tears that have made their way down my face. Amber hands me some tissues from the compartment.

"Well... At least you have each othet. He said you've gotten more personal after MAMA—Oh my god, Love, this is a shit ton of condoms! Is this why your car is so heavily tinted?!" She comments upon opening the pouch in my compartment. I bark out a laugh, clearly feeling better now. I joke about how Mark seems to like the backseat a lot—like a frickin high schooler. Amber closes the compartment, shaking her head in mock disgust. "Okay, I get what you're saying and maybe you're right. But I think you still need to talk to Mark. He's thinking about dating you for real."

"He wants to date me for real because it's the only way to get out of the guilt trip we're both in."

"Are you sure there's no other way?"

"There is another way and that's if we let each other go." I say, sadness enveloping me again. These days I've been thinking about what it would be like to look at Mark in the same way I did over a year ago—like an idol too far, too popular to reach. When the agreements are done, when we're finally tired of hiding and trying to realize feelings that aren't really there yet, I wonder what it would be like to see him at work. Will I be able to smile? My ex and I haven't reached that level of being "okay" yet, probably because I decided to escape to South Korea right after the break-up. I tell Amber all these thoughts and she just listens intently, asking questions every once in a while. By the time we reach the city, I've given Amber an overview of my past relationships, from my petty high school sweethearts to my first long-term relationship that ended tragically before graduation. I miss Liv.

We get to Nana Kyung's house two hours after a short walk on the nearby beach and an early dinner at a quaint cafe. Nana's house is shining way more brightly than I've ever seen it before. The huge property is filled with cars of different types and there are loud sounds coming from the yard. We find Nana being escorted out of the house to spend a relaxing evening at my dad's hotel. I introduce her to Amber and she kisses my friend in both cheeks fondly before waving goodbye and getting into the car with her assistant. All my cousins are half-wasted by the time we reach the yard. The whole place is lit with fairy lights. A DJ booth was set up near the pool and Jihoo is busy greeting his guests to even notice me as I make my way to the DJ booth to set up my equipment. I switch places with my cousin's DJ friend who seem flustered as heck to be sharing the same stage as me. I take the mic after the first mix, ready to take everyone's attention. The previous DJ leaves a massive beat drop. I start with a few stabs on f(X)'s Electric Shock which makes a few heads turn and a few people audibly gasp.

"Okay, mates, hear me out." I say, my accent effectively making people stop whatever they're doing. "Jihoo, odiya?!"

"Oh my fucking god, what are you doing here?!" He screams from a few meters away.

"I have a really awesome gift for your 23rd birthday. Are you ready?" Jihoo takes his place near the booth, people making way for him to see me clearly. "ARE YOU ALL READY?!" I scream, hyping the crowd of college kids who are all starting to pull out their phones. My heart starts beating wildly so I turn to look at Amber who's hiding by the side of the stage. She nods at me in encouragement so I start to out with some gain on the stem of the song Amber and I collaborated on. Then I mix in a bit of Amber's backing vocals which makes the people start screaming and dancing. I signal to Amber and she runs to the stage, blazing with energy as she starts to sing the first verse of the song. Jihoo is standing slack-jawed as his friends shake him in excitement, the surprise almost making him teary. I blow him a kiss and he shows me a heart before screaming an inaudible "thank you".

I finish an entire set filled with SM Town and JYPE songs in between English hit songs all while the other DJ busies himself with Snapchatting everything I do. He even asks for a selfie with me, arms unnecessarily snaking around my waist, face too close with mine. This isn't something I'm used to because I have Jun to protect me from pervs at Callabooze but I let it pass, thinking it's nothing compared to the amount of people now flocking to Amber for a photo. I signal to the other DJ so that we can switch again as I end my set. I run up to Jihoo as soon as I'm out of the booth and my cousin envelopes me in a warm hug with his muscular arms. I pull Amber from the hordes of fans that surround her and push the two of them towards the house for some sense of quiet.

"Oh my God, I can't believe you two traveled all the way here for me! Thank you, wow!" He says when we reach the balcony at the front side of the house, his eyes looking a bit glassy.

"Hey, I can't let Love pass up on a family affair like this. She's been here too long, she needs to make more time for family." Amber says, her friendly grin never leaving her face. I am in awe of this girl, really. Jihoo's face is red from the alcohol and the Amber-induced fluster so I decide to aggravate that by excusing myself from their conversation to finally call Jackson. He's left me two voicemails and a few more messages in the past five hours. It's 11PM, and I'm not entirely sure if he's going to pick up but I dial his number anyway, hoping he's still awake.

"Hey, are you okay?" Jackson says, two rings in.

"I—Yeah, I'm... Well I'm okay. Sorry it took a while, we did the surprise right away and I did a full set on the spot so..."

"Oh... Okay. You're not drunk, are you?"

"No alcohol yet, I was too busy."

"Good! Good... Uh..."

"Are you... Okay?"

"Yeah... Yeah... I'm just... I was just worried about you."

"Wae?"

"Well... Just..."

"Jackson?"

"Ne?"

"Maeum sseuji mala." [Don't think about it.] I try to soften my voice, try to give him the space to talk. I'm really not used to Jackson being quiet. "We're gonna be alright."

"Maja..." His voice grows soft too. It's a low toned whisper and for some reason I feel like I've heard it before somewhere. Probably an old video clip.

"Okay. Good. Now talk, Im not used to you being quiet like this." My remark makes him laugh and just like that, the old Jackson is back.