Chapter 41: If You're Okay
"G. Soul is in there, are you sure you're not coming in today?" Sheen says in her big girl voice.
"Sheen, it's really fine." I say, balancing a cup of coffee in one hand and a huge ass bag of groceries in another while walking, phone lodged in between my shoulder and my ear. "It's no big deal. Besides, I'm technically unemployed anyway so it shouldn't matter." Early this week managed to empty my desk and backup all the important files from my work computer. I heard they're looking for a new editor now and the thought of being replaced somehow saddens me. I have two months left on my Callabooze gig before the official start of my new JYP contract.
These days the most productive part of my work day at JYPE is producer shadowing, which means I get to hang around the studio all day to see how JYP does music production from the ground up. Every once in a while they also ask me to work as a behind-the-scenes or "making" camera person when they can't spare people to leave the office what with the video team being so understaffed. I'm a floating employee and on a normal day I would care heavily about the fact that I don't belong anywhere, but I'd really rather focus on other important matters. That important matter being Jackson, who's locked up in their dorm all alone while the rest of the group is out for their comeback activities. Sheen asks me to be careful on my way to the dorm so as not to attract any unwanted sightings. "I promise I'll be a good girl. I have to go now, Sheen. Thank you, I'll see you soon!" I put my phone down before opening the car door and settling in to drive back to the dorm.
Jackson's favorite manager Noona asked me to look after him and I can't possibly say no especially when the whole department is busy as it is for the last leg of the Flight Log Trilogy. So I've been going around driving from my apartment to the office to the pharmacy to the supermarket, and taking Jackson to his doctor and back to the dorms. After what happened at the fan event it didn't take much to convince JB (and Mark) to let me take care of their friend despite the stringent house rules.
*Flashback*
I didn't think I could have enough coffee to power through the whole day—much less a long ass fanmeet. But I did. And while I was at it, I couldn't complain. Not when Mark's face was stretched to the limit from smiling all day. Jackson looked grim from start to finish. JB was trying really hard to keep the pace for everybody while Jinyoung kept checking in on other members. The three maknaes did their best to keep their energy up all through out, to keep their smiles contagious and bright. I might have ran on nothing but coffee and three hours of sleep after my Callabooze gig but I still didn't feel as pitiful as the idols I've been filming. There's certainly something to be said about people who have to smile despite their sadness or pain or fatigue.
Then I saw it.
There's a switch that people don't often see because it's all in someone's head, but if you pay close attention you'll see it in every action, and every word, and every motion. Maybe it's because Jackson and I have gotten so much closer in the past few months that I immediately noticed that something was off halfway through the fan event. It was in his eyes, the way his line of sight seemed to be fixed on his feet the whole time. It showed in the way he gripped his microphone tightly, and the way his shoulders slumped carelessly. I saw it in the way he looked at me and his brown orbs seemed sullen and lost and not as bright as I remembered them to be.
He was sitting at the far end of the table, face pallid and stoic while signing albums and merch for the fans when I realized something was about to go terribly wrong. I waved to Mina who's standing by the backstage. Mina ran towards me, and I brisk walked to meet her halfway, leaving my post behind the wide shot camera set up. "Mina-yah. Something's wrong with Jackson, I need to go backstage. Cover for me, ne?" I whispered quickly, lest I attract the attention of the fans who already seem worried about Jackson. Mina went to my post while I slipped into the backstage, making my way beside his manager.
"Unnie, there's something wrong with Ja—"
"Omo! Jackson-ah!" A fan, who's standing onstage, shouted. He was slumped on the table, motionless. I held my breath, eyes wide in horror. Mark stood up immediately to check on his friend while Jinyoung, who was sitting just beside Jackson, tried to shake him awake. The managers and one of the organizers helped Jackson up and I stood there, frozen by the backstage. Jackson apologized as he stood on his feet and made his way backstage slowly. I saw that Mark wanted to come after him but I shook my head when our eyes met. Don't leave the stage. Your fans are worried enough, you need to stay calm. He slowly took his seat, his intense glare fading away as he distractedly faced the crowd again.
Jackson staggered towards me, swaying dangerously, eyes half closed. "Joesong hamnida..." He muttered as he made his way down the steep steps with our help. But his manager couldn't keep up with his weight and before we knew it, Jackson was already falling down the last step. Luckily I got to him before he fell face-first and I wrapped my arms around him, supporting his weight with my body as he fainted.
"Oh my go—Jackson! Jackson!" He didn't move, even as I dragged him to the side where the organizers provided a huge chair for him. We sat him on the chair and asked for paramedics. I held his face to keep it from lolling to the side, tapping his cheeks a gently. "Jackson, wake up, jebal." He opened his eyes slowly, consciousness seemingly fleeting. "Jackson, look at me. Hey, look at me." With his brown eyes focused on me, his head steadying, I held both his hands and squeezed them.
"Love, I'm... I think I'm gonna throw up..." He weakly whispered. I asked for a bin from the staff and they immediately handed me an empty trash can. It took all my willpower not to cry while watching Jackson retch into the bin, the sound of his sickness drowned out by Shopping Mall blasting through the speakers. Jackson managed to collect himself a few minutes later with me and the managers comforting him before he was whisked away by an ambulance.
*Flashforward*
Truth be told, we're all still rattled, especially Mark and JB. We've always been confident of the fact that Jackson is the healthiest out of all the boys so seeing him faint like that in front of all his fans made us constantly anxious for him. Even the fans are worried sick that the scandal about me and Jackson from a few months ago seemed to have been completely forgotten when they trended their warm wishes on Twitter. I did very little to hide my identity these past few days as I walk in and out of the building. It's not like people would have time to create rumors about me when their favorite member is sick, right?
I open the door to GOT7's dorm, knowing the password by heart now. "Jackson?" I call out while removing my shoes. A weak answer comes out of the bedroom. I take the groceries to the kitchen before popping into Jackson's open room. His eyes gently flutter open as I come closer. "Hey," I softly say, leaning down to touch his forehead. "Is samgyetang okay for lunch?" I ask. He nods with a weak smile and I feel my heart constrict a little. Jackson's probably the most hyper kid I've ever met so seeing him like this breaks my heart into tiny pieces. I smile back at him before tucking him in and walking back to the kitchen to make lunch.
These days it's often just me and Jackson here. When the boys are home I either go home or we take turns feeding Jackson and bringing him his medicines. When he falls asleep again, Mark whisks me to his bedroom to spend quality time which, for some reason, everyone, including JB, seems to be just fine with. We make love silently and we talk for a bit like normal couples do, but ever since my birthday Mark has become more emotionally distant than ever before. He never said "I love you" again and when he orgasms he keeps his eyes open and tells me to look at him just like before. I try not to think too much about it, try to sweep it under the rug. It's not like I'm in the position to wonder, anyway.
I come back to Jackson's room with a tray of hot soup and rice. He's already in a sitting position, his back propped up against huge pillows while he's texting on his phone. Mark said their phones wouldn't stop ringing since news of Jackson collapsing on stage went out. His friends in the entertainment industry, both in Korea and China, kept calling and texting to see how he is. "Yah, Mr. Popular, you need to stop chatting, it's time for lunch." I set the tray in front of him, the bowl of ginseng chicken soup placed neatly beside a small bowl of rice, and a spoon. I bring in his water and his medications, then order him to eat before taking a seat on the couch beside his bed with a rice bowl I made for myself. "How are you feeling?" I ask.
"Better... Though I think I should start working out again soon."
"God, Jackson, can you stop thinking of stupid things for a minute? You don't need to be reminded that you're sick, that's why I'm here after all." I shake my head at him, watching his reaction to my cooking. He seems to like it so damn much. He nods while chewing happily. The weird thing is that the doctors didn't even find anything wrong with him other than his fever—which apparently had been left untreated since the night before—and his high blood pressure. However, he's been weak for days prior to the event and was told to rest because it might have been fatigue that caused him to collapse.
"I don't know, I just feel like I'm starting to lose a lot of muscle already because I'm always lying down. I mean, like, Mark's getting more toned than me now!"
"No one's competing against you, sir." I say. He laughs at that comment. His phone buzzes again and the message he sees makes him chuckle. Then he takes a candid photo if me while digging through my bowl. "Jackson!" I warn shooting him a killer look.
"What?! Namjoon wanted to see you so I sent him a photo." He answers, giggling like a teenager.
"Aish, Jackson jinjja!"
"Wae? Geuleul neo joh-ahae?" [Why? Do you like him?"
"Ani!"
"Then why the violent reaction?! He said it's just a crush!"
"Stop, it's so embarrassing!" I whine, feeling my cheeks heat up. The other day we Facetimed Rap Monster who was in Mexico and Jackson made him confess about his little crush. It was adorable as heck, especially coming from him, and I was flattered but I was also super flustered, which made Jackson laugh. "We are never gonna date. Never. I already told him that."
"Why?"
"Because... Have you seen how his fans are like online?! There are so many of them!" I answer without thinking too much, my spoon digging into yummy rice while I'm talking. "I've had enough bullying from your fans, thank you very much." I add, downing another spoonful of rice.
"Do they still message you?" He asks, worry suddenly visible on his face.
"Yeah, but lately they're just asking me to tell you to rest and get better." I say. Jackson's face softens. It's heartwarming, really. My social media accounts are filled with well wishes for Jackson. Every once in a while someone would ask if I'm taking care of him, what the diagnosis is, or who's with him, but I don't answer. Sheen told me I should start considering my social media accounts as public forum pages where I can post every once in a while but don't get a say on the comments I get.
"Do they miss me?" He asks.
"Very much so. So you need to get better soon, araso?" I say, leaning a bit towards him with a smile. He smiles back and nods like an obedient boy before finishing his lunch. "Good, drink your medicines. I'll be right outside if you need me." I take the tray of empty food before him and head towards the kitchen. I tie my hair up in a ponytail and start washing the dishes. While I'm at it Jackson comes out of his room bearing his towel.
"Love, I'm taking a shower!" He calls out.
"Make sure you heat up the water first."
"Ne eomeoni!" He jokes, making me roll my eyes. I sit on the couch after finishing the dishes, checking my phone for new messages from people asking me how Jackson's doing. One of them is Nawoon.
Nawoon: Unnie, is Jackson feeling better now?
Love: He is, but he's still resting. It was just fatigue and fever—nothing too serious!
Nawoon: I cried when I saw the news...
Love: Aigooo, he'll be better soon, don't worry! *grinning emoji*
I walk back to the kitchen to get a glass of water while typing on my Katalk, updating Amber, who's in L.A., and BamBam and Mark, who are busy with Never Ever activities, regarding Jackson's whereabouts. JYP PD-nim is also asking for updates via SMS. Even my brother—who finally gave in to my K-Pop recommendations—had been asking about his health condition. All the reporting and the messages remind me that though all the boys of GOT7 are sweet and nice, Jackson's still one of the most loved. It's not that he's the favorite, it's just that he's the most outspoken kid in this bunch of misfits.
More than being a charming little puppy, he's really good at making people feel comfortable, even loved. He always tells people to be healthy, is always smiling, always energetic—sometimes to a fault. If Jackson goes out of his way to make the people around him feel important, it's not surprising that they check up on him when things like these happen. I put my phone back into my pocket and pour myself a tall glass of water. I didn't even notice Jackson coming into the kitchen until I turn around while sipping from my drink. I cough, almost spilling the contents of my glass.
Jackson's freshly showered, his wet, dark brown hair slicked back and he's... Well he's mostly naked, save for the towel that's haphazardly clinging for dear life around his hips. I immediately turn my back to him, my face growing hotter by the minute. "What?! It's not like you haven't seen me half naked." I can hear him getting his own glass of water, hear ice and water sloshing around. I'm suddenly so sensitive, I can even hear him gulping down liquids.
"You're ALMOST naked Jackson, not half naked. Can you put some clothes on please?!" Jesus, it's not like I wanted to see his half naked photos and videos. I've edited most of those footage out of GOT7 videos through out the past year and if there's anything negative I can come up with about Jackson it's that the boy is definitely obsessed with showing his athletic body to the world. Great. Just great.
"Are you not going to turn around?" He asks, after what feels like an eternity of drinking water. I freeze, suddenly remembering that line from somewhere.
"N-No..."
"Why?" I can sense him stepping closer to me, feel him right behind me. I attempt to put some space between us by inching closer to the kitchen counter to put my glass down, hands trembling a little. "Oh I know... It's because you know I'm going to kiss you and you wouldn't want that for my sake, right?" His hand touches my hip, his breath hits my ear and my neck, sending shivers down my spine and making me moan audibly. I put a hand against my mouth when the realization hits me. It's him.
I turn around slowly to face his wide, muscular chest and then look up to meet his gaze. He's smiling devilishly as he traps me in between two arms. My back softly hits the kitchen counter. For the first time since I met him I'm actually afraid. "It was you?"
"Oh..." He smirks and then lets out a small laugh. "I knew it, you didn't know it was me..."
"I though it was Mark,"
"Pretty sure our voices sound differently."
"I was drunk."
"I like you when you're drunk, you're such a tease..." His smile is almost unrecognizable and there's this dark, hazy filter in his eyes as he leans closer to me, licking his lips sensuously. I think I'm forgetting how to breathe. Then he steps away from me and drinks his water again. "Oh, and a hardworking one, too. You're the only person I know who would rather wash the dishes when they're drunk than flirt around with people." He chuckles when he sees my face. I'm speechless and I'm heaving so hard as I grip the edge of the counter top. "Relax, I'm not gonna kiss you again. We wouldn't want to start World War 2 now, would we?" He says, leaving his glass on the counter and slinking away from the kitchen. I finally I get to breathe when he finally closes the door behind him.
Holy fuck, what was that?!