Chapter 45: One Day Without You
From cold to nothing.
Somewhere between springing from the ledge and plunging into the water I find myself shivering and then not. I release the longest breath I have in my lungs, come up for air and continue doing freestyle strokes ahead. Halfway through I'm starting to feel my leg muscles ache and the once welcome feeling of being submerged in water now feels heavy, tiring. Maybe sitting in front of a computer all day long decreased my buoyancy. Maybe dancing at gigs don't burn enough calories. I reach the end of the Olympic-sized swimming pool huffing and Sheen is sitting there, feet dangling off the ledge, her phone in hand. "3.7" She says.
"What?! God, I've become a turtle. Jesus, fuck."
"Shhh, stop swearing! It won't make you faster."
"I'm used to finishing between 1.9 and 2.2, Sheen. That was only four years ago." I swim to and climb up the side stairs, plopping down on the edge of the pool with my towel. My old swimsuits don't fit me anymore. I should sue South Korea for their delicious food because I've gotten to a point where three banchans just don't cut it. Oh well.
"Then let's practice again until you get your swimming juju back." Sheen's advice makes me laugh.
"Do you think I can do that in Hong Kong?"
"The place I got you has an Olympic-size pool on the roof deck, and it's just a few steps away from your flat. I live three floors beneath you, I can help you train..."
"Thank you," I say as I dry my hair. I didn't even tell her what I wanted in terms of living conditions and yet she's already fixed it for me—just like how she has fixed all the other problems I've been through recently. "I don't want to trouble you though, I'm sure you have more work to do than just, like, train me."
"Well then we can get you a hot, athletic trainer with to-die-for abs, how about that?" Sheen wiggles her eyebrows at me.
"Ha! No thank you, I think I've had enough of that." I joke, images of abs from both Mark and Jackson flashing behind my eyelids. At least now I don't end up with an intense Asian flush every time I remember it. Sheen is right, I just need to practice.
I'm so fucking excited for Hong Kong.
*Flashback*
I looked around my flat one last time.
I spent the whole day cleaning up and covering each piece of furniture in my apartment, except for my bed and everything else in the kitchen. I've also packed my other clothes and belongings in a box to be shipped to the new address in Hong Kong. Mina was nice enough to help me pack a while ago. Most of the clothes I couldn't pack and don't fit anymore went to her. Sheen's been helping me out with my residence papers, which apparently wasn't so hard to process considering that my parents have properties in Hong Kong too. Jenny left for Thailand already. Liv had been nagging me through KaTalk to keep myself busy so I can finally move on from Mark. I only have a week before my flight to China and so far things have been pretty... quiet, to say the least.
Maybe it'll work. Maybe.
That's what I thought until the doorbell rang.
I checked my phone. No one messaged me about coming over and it was already 11:30PM so the fact that my doorbell was ringing at this hour definitely surprised me. I hesitantly opened the door and my shoulders feeling heavy. "Jackson?" I said, unsure because his face was covered with a face mask. He looked sideways, making sure the hallway was empty before taking his mask off and turning to me with the weirdest face I've ever seen on him. "What are you doing here?" I still dared to ask as I block the door with my body.
"Oh me? Nothing, I just wanted to make sure I get to say goodbye before you leave because... you know... that's what FRIENDS do." He said, leaning forward and raising an arm against the doorway, his face almost too close for comfort. "You letting me in or what?" I could see the shadows under his eyes, the traces of growing facial hair which somehow made him look older than he actually is.
"Yah! I'm still your Noona," I said, crossing my arms in front of me in defiance. "And how the hell did you find out I'm leaving?!"
"I annoyed the crap out of Sheen..." He shrugged, as if to say he wasn't at all sorry for harassing my—our—agent. "Let me in, we need to talk." There a certain edge to his voice that threatened to wreak havoc to my already shattered feelings. Frankly, I didn't want to let him in. I didn't want to let ANYONE in. But I knew I had to. I knew that it would be so much harder for me to move on and sort things out if I didn't let Sheen help me, if I didn't bond with Mina one last time, if I didn't call Liv and Jenny before they boarded their planes, or if I didn't let Jackson in when he took the risk of going out in public in the middle of the night to see me. I sighed and opened the door wider to let him in.
As expected of Jackson, he took his cap and his hoodie off the moment he stepped inside and he was about to toss it to the sofa when he noticed that all my furniture were covered up already save for the seats in front of the kitchen counter. "Wow. That fast, huh?" He scoffed as he walked the short distance to my kitchen. His back muscles were very visible underneath the black tank top he was wearing. I tried not to stare. He placed his clothes on top of the kitchen counter and took it upon himself to check my fridge, which was also empty apart from a few cans of beer. I've been saving those up for my last night in Seoul. "Oh, maegju!" [Oh, beer!]
"Hey, I'm—" I flinched upon hearing the loud pop of the tab being opened, the sound of beer fizzing hitting my senses. Jackson took a sip and let out a happy moan.
"Oh, joha! [Oh, I like this!] What is this?" He asked as soon as he finished gulping. I sighed as I took out the rest of the 6-pack beer Liv sent to me from her friends at Modus Operandi Brewing Company. Might as well drink now, it's not like I could escape Jackson anyway. "Former Tenant..." He said, reading off the can before chuckling animatedly. "Well this is very fitting!" I couldn't help but smile at that comment.
"I know. It's a gift, it's not like I asked for it. Want some popcorn? I still have some kernels, I think." I reached up to get the jar from the cabinet, my crop top hiking up in the process. I went to work on our snack with the very same popcorn maker that started it all while Jackson recounted how we met. I smiled at the memory. It felt like ages ago.
A few minutes later, I finally got to sit on the bar stool beside Jackson, my beer can half-gone. I felt lighter than I was a few weeks ago, and definitely better than that night at Callabooze with Mark. I have to admit that our last night together wasn't the best way to end a relationship—even if it was just a "sort of" relationship. I remember how he lectured me on the way home about the fact that I didn't say no when I was so obviously being taken advantage of, but the minute we got into my apartment we started making out so fast and so hard that it was a miracle we didn't end up fucking on the stairs.
It's funny how something that started so impulsively ended like that. Small talk. Empty bedside. Missing toothbrush. But who was I to ask? We're just friends anyway.
Jackson and I stayed quiet like that, just drinking our beers and looking at the night sky through the kitchen window. Jackson was the first to break the silence, of course. "Mark's been awfully quiet these days..." I sigh in response. It was as if he could read my mind. "You don't have to say it you know... I woke up early for a schedule that day and I saw him come in with a shit ton of Pikachus in his arms and a bag of clothes and toiletries. He looked like shit..."
"I didn't throw him out, in case you were wondering..."
Silence.
"So you really broke up, huh?" He asked, turning to me with a concerned, almost sad look on his face.
"It's not like we're dating, we were FUCK BUDDIES..." I scoffed, stressing the last words with a bitterness that was meant to spite myself instead of Jackson, or Mark. It's my fault, obviously. I was the stupid one who labeled it that from the very beginning. That's the thing about us humans. We always need labels on everything because we're THAT linear. We're all simple species and we always need to make things simpler. But sometimes, in the process, it complicates things all the more. I took a handful of popcorn and stuffed them into my mouth. I'm just glad the tears weren't falling anymore. I didn't even feel entitled for all the tears I have shed. "We're friends... That's it."
I guess Jackson felt the finality of my words because he didn't answer until much later. "But WE'RE still friends, right? You're not moving away to avoid me, right?" He asked. I finished my first can of beer and turned my bar stool towards his direction so that I'm leaning sideways against the kitchen counter, my elbow propped on the marble counter, cheek pressed against my palm.
"I'm going to be living in YOUR city, Jackson. We have the same agent. I think that hardly constitutes as avoidance." I smiled at him fondly. He smiled too and nodded before showing me his adorable aegyo face. I laughed, finally... After weeks and weeks of crying. It actually felt nice. "Thank you... I'm sorry if I didn't tell you. I didn't wanna... I didn't want to drag you into this whole mess. You've had enough and you're stressed as it is and—"
"—Go on—" He said as he opened a fresh can for both me and him. He moved his bar stool sideways too, knees knocking against mine. I continued talking about the last few weeks while watching him move into a more comfortable position, his right leg in between mine, the other resting on the floor, his body leaning against the counter, his beer in one hand while the other reached for the popcorn. I told him about my plans... my "sort of" plans. I've always been like that. I always move around and act with some semblance of a plan, but it isn't as detailed as other people would plan things out so I tend to miss out on a lot of details—like oh, I don't know, maybe consequences?! I told him I'll be studying at a DJ school and it made his jaw drop. "Woah, jinjja?! That's so exciting!"
"It is, yeah... I'm really excited. I mean I've been playing at gigs for half a year or so but I need some sort of formal training to make a living out of this, right? Otherwise, I'm gonna be stuck with you guys, editing your goofy antics out and being the insider girlfrie—"
"Stop." The deep, commanding voice almost made my heart, and other organs, pause.
"What?!"
"Stop it. Stop being so mean to yourself." He said, pushing my beer across, as if telling me I should probably just shut up and drink. I did just that, letting the bitter liquid wash away the remnants of guilt, cancelling out the bitter aftertaste of my sardonic statement. He's right. What's past is past now, and I have decided to set things right already. I needed to stop dwelling into it so much and move on.
I sighed after the long gulp which made me feel lightheaded and warm. The beer had a nice buzz to it. I had to remind myself to send Liv's friends a word of thanks. Jackson started on his second can of beer and looked around, surveying my living room. He eyed the box of my belongings and my luggages. He sighed and shook his head. "I can't believe I won't be hanging around here anymore. Remember when all the insects came into our room and you let me live here for like a week because I have nowhere to sleep in at the dorm?"
"Two weeks," I corrected him, snickering at the memory. "That lasted for almost two weeks because the bugs died on your bed and you needed to change mattresses." I said in a matter-of-factly tone. Jackson was hysterical. It was his idea and JB had been way too tired from the Mad promotions to argue. Mark and I weren't sexually involved yet then, but we had been talking regularly at that time. I was too busy at work to even really notice the fact that Jackson lived with me. He was mostly out at night, meeting up with friends, working on songs, or sleeping at the guest room that had never been used until, and after, he asked to stay. On days when we were both at home we basically just watched Netflix and talked. I guess that was why I'm closest to him than to anyone else.
"Promise me one thing?" Jackson said suddenly after a long stretch of quietness.
"What?"
"That you'll still talk to me. That we could meet up somewhere in Hong Kong and just talk and drink like this." He placed his hand on my arm, his voice so smooth and sweet it almost tasted like honey. "Please?" I wiped my mouth and looked back at him with an apologetic smile.
"I can't promise that, Jackson, I'm so sorry."
"Why?"
"Because it defeats the purpose of moving away. I know I said that I could't really run away from you but if Mark find out that I'm leaving like this... " I couldn't continue my sentence because it struck me then and there that maybe Mark wouldn't ask. Maybe Mark wouldn't care. "Besides, I know I'll be busy studying and working. It's not like you'll have the time, too. You're like the next big thing in China so you can't always be hanging around drinking beer and eating popcorn." I gave him a cute smirk which made him giggle. We fell silent again. It's amazing when Jackson decides to quiet down. You can clearly see him thinking when he's quiet. I could almost see the wheels in his head moving. "What are you thinking?" I asked.
"I'm trying to figure out if you said no because you know it's unrealistic, or because you're scared that we're going to end up like that too..."
"Like what?"
"Like you and Mark?" I stopped drinking. We both stopped talking. I knew it was a slip of the tongue. I also knew then and there that the beer was working well. Jackson finished his second can quickly, averting his gaze. He reached for a new can and popped the lid loudly. I sighed heavily.
"Okay, let me just... Let me get this straight. We're not like that." I said, gesticulating within the space that kept us apart. "Mark and I, we started off with mutual physical attraction and that just grew into one bad decision after another." I rambled. There was another stretch of silence. I finished what's left of my beer before reaching for the sixth, and last, can. "I said what I said because I need space. I need time to think..." These were the same things I told myself when I left Sydney. I looked out the window and marveled at the beautiful sight.
Seoul is amazing. It hadn't been anything but kind to me. I've managed to live a life of learnings and then comfort and I've made a lot of mistakes but there I was leaving for another city again, unscathed. I felt lost. All the things that had happened took a toll on me mentally and it would be pretty much an entitlement to complain because things worked out to my advantage in the end anyway. So I shut everything out, scared I'll never be able to see myself as anything other than what I've already become. Spineless, prideless, broken.
As usual, all I could do was to run away.
"Hmm... Algess-eo." [Hmm... I got it.] Jackson muttered before drinking again. I did the same, tipping the cold can to my lips and feeling the liquid running down my throat. And now it tasted like good ale and comfort and home and hope. "Try to come to our concerts, though, okay?" He asked, to which I nodded enthusiastically. I told him I wouldn't miss it for the world. "I've got lots of things lined up in Beijing and Hong Kong In the next couple of months. I know you said you need space but you're going to my home country so you'll probably see my face everywhere." He chuckled lightly when he said that. I couldn't help but laugh as well.
"At least the billboards and the standees wouldn't talk as much as the real one." I joked, which illicited another round of laughter. The popcorn was going stale. "Cheers to your new projects," I said, offering my can for a toast.
"Cheers to your new career," He clunked his can against mine and we both drank our beers straight finishing it to the last drop. I slammed my can against the counter, burping rather disgracefully. We laughed at that too, realizing we've gotten so comfortable with each other that we've basically thrown our manners out of the window. We talked some more, commenting on random things and deep thoughts and fleeting regrets. Jackson was probably the only guy who could make me talk this long, and this much.
I stood up to get us water, swaying a little on my feet. Jackson immediately held my hips to keep me steady. "It's alright, I got it. I got it." I said with a smile, patting the back of his hands which was enough signal for him to remove it. I took two glasses from the cupboard and filled them with ice cold water. I placed the glass in front of Jackson and smiled. "You alright?" I asked, before taking a sip of water. He was half-lidded already, seemingly sleepy. He was blushing just a little too, and he kept licking his lips in the most distracting way possible. He didn't answer so I pushed the glass of water closer to him. "Drink up, Jackson. You need to stay awake, I can't keep you here."
"Why not? I can sleep in the guest room." He said, blinking at me before finally taking a sip of water.
"I took out all the linens in the guest room this morning."
"Well then I'll sleep next to you," He said, leaning forward from across the counter, eyes suddenly dark. There it was again. Brooding, and promising, and scary. I attempted to put some distance, feeling lightheaded as I moved back to my seat. Before I even got to the bar stool Jackson turned his chair around, reached out for me. He pulled me against him, face flushing, lower lip caught in between his teeth, muscular arms wrapping around my waist.
"Jackson..." I muttered. His fingers were tickling the bare skin of my torso. Somehow I felt the full effect of the alcohol running through my veins, making me giggle when his hands started moving to the back of my neck.
"I think I know what you can promise me instead..." His voice dropped an octave deeper.
"What?" My giggles died down.
"If you need time to think, you can have it all..." He whispered. He pulled my face closer until we're forehead to forehead. "...But be sure to think of me, okay? Promise me that, at least..." He placed his hands on my hips, spreading his legs a bit more so I could come closer, so much closer than we've ever been. Ever.
"Hmmm... Okay... But why?" I asked, putting my arms around his neck. Why am I doing this?
"Because I don't want you to forget me..." Silence. I closed my eyes just to savor the moment because I know I might never be able to come this close to Jackson ever again. I might never feel like this again, like I was suffocating in his scent and breathing easy all at the same damn time. It had been such a peaceful moment up until Jackson spoke again.
"Naega joha... Jinjja... [I like you... Really...] I always have..." I was afraid to open my eyes. I was afraid to look at his beautiful, brown orbs and see exactly what he meant by that. Then I felt his head moving to the side as I tightened my arms around his neck, bracing myself. I felt his lips pressing against mine and right then and there I felt my chest caving in. I let him kiss me, let him hold me tighter. I moaned into the kiss as it deepened, hardened, heightened. We didn't have to speak to affirm the fact that yes... I will be thinking of him. A lot.
I felt the tremors of his body as he pulled me closer, closing in all the possible gaps between us. Unlike when I was with Mark, my heart didn't race. I only felt some sense of lightness, a floating sensation that made me forget where I was at the moment. "Love," Jackson breathed in between kisses, and it warmed my whole being. My hands traveled the wide expanse of his shoulders, his nicely toned chest. My fingers trailed his stomach, feeling the outline of his abs. "Love..."
His hand moved to my arms, squeezing me a bit and preventing my hands from moving further. Frankly, I've lost control of my limbs before I even realized it. I kept attacking him with harsh kisses and the more he pulled me to him the more I felt the tenting in his pants against my stomach. I managed to capture his tongue and suck it, making him groan audibly. And then his hands tightened around my arm as our lips crashed again. "Love, I... I think... I think we need to stop."
That was when my senses woke me. I stopped nibbling his lip and broke away from the kiss gasping. I didn't even know I had been holding my breath. "I'm sorry. I really want to continue but—"
"No! No. I-It's okay. I'm okay." I pulled away from him, still panting heavily. There I was, escaping one problem successfully and diving head-first into another one. Jesus Christ, I'm such an idiot. I paced towards the living room, running my fingers through my hair. Jackson stood up but didn't move from his spot. I looked back at him and found him watching me pace around while nibbling the corner of his lower lip anxiously, hands in his pockets. "I... I just..." I exhaled sharply, grappling for the right words in my head before giving up and turning my back to him again. I was furiously blushing, I know, and I couldn't look at him in shame.
"Hey..." Jackson said, voice getting clearer as he stepped closer to me again. He hugged me from behind and whispered. "Mianhe... Jinjja mianhe..."
"No, please, don't say sorry..."
"I AM sorry." He said, owning up solely to the mistake we both obviously made. But it didn't feel wrong. I have no guilty feelings about that kiss at all though it definitely felt like a misstep. "I shouldn't have done that, not when you're about to leave. It's just... I know it's awkward now but I just didn't want to regret not doing it before you leave." He sounded sad as he placed his chin on my shoulder, arms wrapping around me tighter. Well wouldn't you look at that. Now I know why he and Namjoon are good friends.
"Yeah, no, I know..." I answered before shaking my head at the jumbled contradictions that came out of my mouth. "I mean, I agree. Completely. It's awkward. It's definitely awkward, but I understand. And I—I actually don't feel bad about it..." I stammered, my cheeks warming up again as I tilted my head to the side. "I really liked it..."
"What?" He said, looking at me.
"I—It was nice." I said, looking back at him, our faces so close now. From this angle, I could clearly see the confusion in his face. "Kissing you, I mean" I clarified, biting my lower lip. We stared at each other for a while before I finally decided to avert my gaze. I could still clearly feel his hard on from this position. He let go of me and sighed, his breath hitting the back of my neck deliciously.
"I think I should go..." Jackson muttered helplessly. I watched as he went back to the kitchen, drank his water, and put on his cap and his hoodie. I stood there like an idiot, waiting for something to happen. My eyes followed him around, chest constricting as he neared me again. "I'm sorry, Love, I—"
"No! No, please don't apologize. We're friends. We still are." I said, hastily touching his arm. I took his hand and led him to the door, knowing full well that it would take a long while before I see him again. I had no regrets. None at all. "You take care now. Don't overwork yourself, okay? And listen to your Noonas and Hyungs." I smiled and hugged him one last time, commiting it to memory. "I'll keep my promise..."
*Flashforward*
It had been quite a while since I found myself sitting on the benches at the airport's boarding gate, mindlessly staring at the sky before me. Incheon is so pretty. South Korea, in general, looked really pretty. There's a lot of commotion around me but I'm too busy listening to new music to pay attention. If it isn't for Sheen tapping me on the shoulder and pointing towards a specific direction, I probably wouldn't even notice that someone's calling me from the throngs of people. "Sarang-ssi!" Says a deep, loud voice. I turn around to find Taehyung and Namjoon waving at me, dozens of people following them around as they pass the boarding gate I'm in. I wave back at them, my phone in hand. I know they won't be able to stop by and chat because from what I heard they're on their way to Manila for their Philippine concert. I could probably follow them to the lounges but I decide not to because I didn't want to attract too much attention. So instead I type a message to the both of them, wishing them a safe flight.
As I'm chatting, I get interrupted by a call from a new number. I hesitantly answer, pressing my phone against my ear. What if it's Mark? What if it's the blackmailing computer whiz? "Yoboseo?"
"Yah, Noona, why did you not tell me you're leaving?!" The voice says, whiny and sweet.
"Oh... Nugusoyo?" [Oh... Who are you?]
"Noona, you don't even recognize my voice. Aigooo..." I hear an exasperated sigh from the other end of the line. "This is Jinyoungie, I have a new phone. Now why are you leaving?" A little laugh escapes me. Jinyoung is so dramatic.
"Oh, mianhe Jinyoungie. Noona is going overseas for training. I'm sorry if I didn't get to tell you but how did you know?"
"I overheard JB Hyung asking Jackson if he's coming to the airport to see you." The statement makes me stop and think. The thing about JB is that he doesn't ask about things he doesn't really care about. He barely even talks unless he's truly comfortable with someone. This must mean JB knows that something's up. I'm reminded of my last meeting with Jackson and it leaves a bittersweet aftertaste in my mouth. Like dark chocolates, or aptly-named beers.
"Ahhh, maja... Jinyoungie, Mark doesn't know about it, does he? JB said that to Jackson in private, right?"
"Ne. Waeyo? You didn't tell him?"
"He... He shouldn't know." I answer, sighing heavily. It sucks that we parted the way we had, but I'd like to think that we will have the right timing for a proper closure someday... Maybe. "Jinyoungie, I can count on you to keep this a secret, right?"
"Ne, I promise." I hear him clear his throat from the other side as doors open and close behind him. I can tell he's hiding at the dorm so as not to be overheard. His voice goes deeper, much more mature and serious as he continued. "But Noona, you have to know that he will find out anyway. One of us is going to have a slip-up soon. Besides, it's not like Jackson can hold off his tongue that well."
Jackson's tongue. Great. Here it goes again. I shake the image out of my head before responding. "Ara... I just... I don't want him to think about me anymore." There's silence on the line. I'm just thankful that Jinyoungie is used to it. We used to read side by side for an hour without talking much. At some point the book sessions stopped because he got so busy, what with the prospect of JJ Project making a comeback.
"Please take care of him for me, Jinyoungie..." I mutter, clutching my chest. There's a little bit of pain there, and maybe a dash of regret. What I didn't feel, however, was remorse. I've always wondered what it would feel like when it's all done and over with, but I didn't think it would be this easy to cut ties. One plane ticket, a boarding pass and a passport. It's like an encore to my previous relationship.
It takes a few minutes for Jinyoung to answer. "He's doing fine, Noona. He's actually smiling nicely and laughing a lot these past few days." He adds, his fondness for his Hyung apparent in his tone. I'm just really glad Mark has his friends with him for comfort. I may not have loved him the way he wanted to be loved back but I cared for him deeply, and I know that I have hurt him. It's nice knowing that he's surrounded by good people, like Jackson who never once caved in on their friendship. "I promise to look out for him though, since you asked me to." I chuckle at that, like I begged him to do it.
"Aigoo, I don't think I had to ask you. I know you'll take care of him anyway because you love him." I answer without much thought. My smile fades as thoughts run around in my head. "Oh and one more thing... I—Can you please tell JB that I'm really sorry?" I say in English.
"For what?" Jinyoung asked, also in English, which surprises me a bit.
"For everything." I answer. "And tell him I said thank you... For everything." The boarding announcement suddenly comes in. "Jinyoungie, I have to go now!" I hurriedly say, bidding our goodbyes as I stand up from my seat and gather my things. Unlike when I was leaving Sydney, this particular goodbye didn't feel like a dead end. This feels like a crossroad. Like a long, winding, fork in the road. "I'll miss you!" I say, both to him and to Seoul.