Chapter 46: Face
This is the worst idea.
I tried convincing Sheen that sending me to the World DJ Festival might be a huge risk. I've only been DJ-ing for two years and it hasn't even been a year since my formal training at the DJ Academy. How can you trust a rookie to hype up a beast of a crowd, and in Jamsil Stadium no less? Even now, as I take my face mask off while entering the same apartment building I left empty in Cheongdam about a year ago, I can feel a nauseating wave of anxiety. It's not just the idea of facing thousands of people that bothers me, it's also the fact that that I'm back in South Korea and I'm not entirely sure what's waiting for me... Or if anyone—or anything—is waiting for me. No one knows that I'm back. Even my bosses at JYPE didn't know I'd fly in this early. But I wanted to practice on my own, acclimatize myself, and make new stuff in silence. The moment I landed however, people were already looking at me like they just saw an apparition coming out of the arrival gates. Thus, the face mask.
*Flashback*
Hong Kong's November weather weirdly reminded me of Seoul. It was hot but also sort of cold. But the cold doesn't warrant a coat so I'm basically sweating in my black oversized shirt dress. The slip dress I wore underneath just in case it gets chilly outside is sticking to my body like second skin. I walked hurriedly towards the check-in counters, my heeled boots clacking against the airport's concrete floor, sweat beading on my forehead. Yes, I decided to wear an all-black outfit. That's quite an understated fashion choice considering that it was Halloween then. My flight was scheduled at 2PM but I came in four hours early so I could work on my set in peace. I took my sunglasses off and smiled at the pretty lady who asked me to put my heavy-looking Herschel backpack on the weighing scale. My chest constricted a bit as I followed.
"Sorry but it's heavy by two kilograms for a hand carry, Ma'am. You do have check-in baggage allowance, however." The ground stewardess declared. "Would you like to check it in?"
"Sorry I really can't check this in because I have my laptop in here and other really important gadgets..."
"Do you have any other bag with you?" She asked, looking a tad bit annoyed now.
Shit. "Uhm... I guess I could... Buy one?" I stammered, taking my backpack again. I really didn't want to shop for a new bag but damn this girl seemed to be on her period and it made the introvert in me quiver. I feigned control by checking the watch on my wrist. "I have plenty of time to shop anyway so... Uhm... Hold on to my boarding pass for a sec, okay? I'll be back in a bit!" I took my passport from her, my bag from the scale, and left my boarding pass behind, throwing it one last look of defeat. I didn't have the energy to argue, but I did have enough energy to go shopping.
I convinced myself that I needed a new laptop bag anyway. It's really not good to squish together my MacBook Pro, clothes, portable MIDI controller, DJ headphones, with a shit ton of cables and wires. I even managed to squeeze in two pairs of shoes in there. No wonder I went past the seven-kilogram limit.
One of the Kate Spade work bags displayed on the glass shelf looked absolutely promising, and it was the perfect size for my laptop, not to mention it was classically black. I walked closer to inspect it, checking the make and look against my body. As I was checking myself in the mirror with the bag dangling from my shoulder, I saw a familiar face behind me. A tiny gasp escaped from my lips. I turned around and walked a few steps behind her, awkwardly following. "A-annyeonghaseyo," I started. Shit. I totally forgot I'm in China! "N-Ni hao..."
The lady turned to me with a slightly surprised look. "Ni hao..." She said, nodding at me. I was momentarily floored by her sophistication and her pretty, kind face. Sophia Wang got me way more starstruck than her world-famous K-Pop idol son.
"Sorry for interrupting you, I... Uhm... I don't know of you remember me," I said, finally speaking in English since I'm still nowhere near being fluent in Chinese. It's a damn hard language to learn. "I have blonde hair now but I used to work with your son at JYPE. I was part of the production team and we've actually met before on uhm... his birthday at the—"
"Excuse me, miss, are you buying this bag?" The saleslady rudely interrupted. Jesus Christ! I turned to the girl with a smile, hoping my sharp eyes translated exactly what I was thinking at that moment. Just because I wore a t-shirt as a dress didn't mean I couldn't pay for this shit.
"No, I don't think this suits me, actually." I answered, giving it another once over and realizing it's way too classy for my hipster-y outfit. "I'm getting the floral one," I handed her the bag and pointed to the more expensive version inside a glass box. "Here's my card. Can you process this for me, sweetie? I still need to talk to the lovely madam. Thank you!" I added, all while taking my wallet and handing her my shiny Sapphire Reserve card. Shock passed through her countenance upon seeing my high-end credit card. I don't brag about my family's wealth, and all the people who are close to me could attest to this. But I refuse to be treated like shit especially when I feel like I'm already in a vulnerable position. I watched the lady scuttle off to get me my bag before turning back to Mrs. Wang. "I'm really sorry about that. As I was saying, we met earlier this year at the—"
"Corinthians Hotel. Of course I remember! Hello! Sarah, isn't it?" She softly said, leaning in for a hug and a kiss.
"Uhm, yes... Hi!" I leaned in to hug her back like we were long lost friends. "Your son introduced me as Sarang, which is how they used to call me at JYPE but my real name is Love." I clarified, feeling blood rushing through my entire being. She remembered me! Holy crap! "I've actually... I'm not working with Jackson anymore because I'm working on my own career here in Hong Kong."
"Yes, I've heard. Aren't you a DJ? Jackson had told me a lot about you, and he did say you live here now." Her words made me halt. He... What? Mrs. Wang updated me on his latest solo projects, especially after establishing Team Wang. That's also why I've lost contact with him, and with the other boys, for the most part. Sheen tried, still. But I just don't see the point anymore.
Mrs. Wang accompanied me to the counter and we talked as if we've been friends for a long, long time now. I signed the receipt for my bag which the sales lady raciously wrapped in a pretty box. Sophia touched my forearm and smiled right after I took my bag and my card from the flustered sales lady. "Oh by the way, where are you headed?" She asked.
"Oh, I'm going to Taipei and then to Macau for some events..." I answered, hastily tucking my card back into my wallet. I almost completely forgot that we were in a duty free store inside the massive Hong Kong International Airport, and not at some mall in Mongkok. She asked me if I was busy, and if I have to dash to my flight already. I quickly said no. Somehow, while watching her nod thoughtfully, I had a feeling that she was thinking of a way for us to get to know each other better. "My flight's actually not until 2PM so I have plenty of time. Would you like to join me at the lounge?" I secretly thanked the heavens for my mother who nagged me into getting a prestige travel card after my big move to Hong Kong.
"Well that's really nice of you but I don't want to burden you..." Sophia said as we walked out of the store.
"No, no, it's really not a burden. I can bring in two guests in with my card, it's totally fine."
"Are you sure?" She asked, holding my hand now. The chills ran from my hand up to my shoulders. She truly is Jackson's mother.
"Yes, I am totally sure," I smiled warmly at her. "I just have to go back and check-in this bag and get my boarding pass but I'll be very quick. Could you wait for me here?" I added while helping her sit on one of the benches. She nodded before waving me off and calling her husband. The image of Jackson's face the night we parted came back to life from the confines of my brain as I made a mad dash to the check-in counters.
There was a brief huffing, a momentary relief, that spread through my body as I dumped my heavy bag onto the scale. I was a mess—well, I've always been a mess—while transferring all the important stuff into my new bag, leaving out the bigger electronics and cables and clothes. Then I watched the lady slap a fragile sticker onto the bag, wishing I could ask for an extra to put on my forehead.
Inviting Jackson's parents to lunch was almost like licking on invisible wounds. Like scratching on the scabs that were almost healed.
Still, I found myself sitting with Ricky and Sophia for lunch at the business class lounge. We took selfies, as prompted by Jackson's dad. Sophia, I then realized, isn't just a nice, good-looking lady. She's one of the sweetest women I've ever met, probably even sweeter than my mom is to my dad. That's a lot to say coming from a child who grew up seeing her parents kiss, even in public. Jackson must have gotten his touchy ways from his mom, his effortless charm from his dad. "So how long are you staying in Taiwan?" Ricky, Jackson's dad, asked with an all-too-familiar smile.
"Just for two days, actually. I got invited to play at some corporate after-party event and then I'm flying to Macau to watch a concert and spin at Sky21. I'm staying there for like three days and then I'm coming back here again for my classes." I explained that since arriving in Hong Kong, I've been splitting my time between attending DJ Academy classes and going from gig to gig, wherever Sheen's amazing PR skills took me. They prodded some more about my job, about my beginnings, and somehow I found myself telling the story of how I started playing in small bars in South Korea after the viral video.
"Will you be staying in Corinthians again?" It was Sophia's turn to ask.
"Oh yeah, I'm curious too. Do you ever go to other hotels? Or do you always stay in your family's hotels wherever you go?" Ricky added.
"Ah, yes. I'm gonna be staying in Corthians Taiwan. We don't have a hotel in Macau yet so I'm staying at the Venetian. Of course I do stay in Corinthians whenever I can, wherever I am. It kinda gives my dad some peace of mind." Ricky and Sophia agreed and spoke about their sentiments regarding Jackson's crazy jetsetter lifestyle. It amazed me how humble they were, and their constant worrying over their youngest child warmed my heart. They asked about my parents, about my life in Australia, and I gladly indulged them with stories while eating dessert and drinking wine until one of the airline staff informed us that their flight to Beijing was about to start boarding.
They stood up, Ricky helping Sophia as she rose slowly. I saw, despite her grace, that she still felt a bit of pain whenever she moved and it gnawed a little hole in my heart for some unknown reason. I stood up, as well, bowing politely to them. She approached me with open arms and I went in for the hug. "Thank you so much, Love, it was really nice talking to you." Oh, Jesus, they're all huggers aren't they?
"Thank you for joining me for lunch, it's nice talking to you as well." I answered, kissing her cheek carefully. I wondered then what Jackson would think about this meeting.
"No, no, the pleasure is ours. And please, when we all get back, can you drop by our house for dinner? I do want to return the favor." Sophia said, squeezing my hand. I did my best not to stutter as I let out a half-hearted laugh and a hesitant promise. She asked for my business card, which I still don't have. I gotta tell Sheen I need that. I handed her my Corinthians business card instead which doesn't have a designation—because obviously I'm just the owner's daughter—but has my name and my contact details in it. She promised to keep in touch before the staff assisted them to the boarding gates.
Once they're gone, I sat back into my chair, finally able to inspect the bag I purchased and organize the mess I haphazardly dumped into it. As I was fixing my things, my phone buzzed.
Namjoon: So... I heard through the grapevine that you're excited for our concert in Macau.
Love: What grapevine?
Namjoon: Oh, you know... Fan cafe messages. Someone saw you and a friend in Hong Kong buying tickets for the concert...
Love: Wow, I didn't think anyone would care, let alone know me.
Namjoon: Yeah, tell that to your super cool Sky21 poster.
Love: Sasaeng!
Namjoon: Haha! Only to a select few.
Namjoon: Just for a change.
Namjoon: So?
Love: What?!
Namjoon: You promised, Love...
Love: I know. I know. I did fulfill my promise, right? I bought my own tickets!
Namjoon: Yes, good. I'm inviting you to the concert, still.
Namjoon: I mean, if you want to sneak in backstage that is... The boys miss you.
Love: Thank you, yeah I'd like that.
Namjoon: In exchange will you invite us to your gig at Sky21?
Love: *laughing emoji*
Love: Is this what this is about? Free party passes?!
Namjoon: Yup, definitely is.
Love: Okay then! I'll let them know we'll have VIPs on the guest list.
*Flashforward*
Needless to say, videos from my Sky21 set went viral in a matter of days, mostly because some BTS members were spotted partying with me. I shouldn't have allowed Taehyung to stand beside me at the DJ booth and MC for me. Firstly, his English is very limited and our audiences are mostly Chinese. Second, his surprise appearance caused wildfire on the dance floor, and online. A day later, photos of the hyung line hanging out with several Chinese celebrities and socialites surfaced, along with photos of me and Taehyung during my set. I wasn't surprised at all, but the incident brought back a lot of memories and it was enough to make me feel jitters all over.
Then again, that might just be the damp cold brought about by the rain. It was stupid of me to think that the weather wouldn't be different. It was really hot when I left Hong Kong this afternoon, the sun was out and the skies were clear after days of raining. When the plane landed in Incheon, however, I almost wanted to die. I'm freezing in my oversized cotton shirt, a pair of high-waisted shorts, a pair of white Puma sneakers, and wool socks. I only got to wear a cardigan over my thin shirt when I got my luggage at the arrival area.
The wheels of my suitcase rolled noisily on the hallway floor and I'm actually glad my neighbors haven't opened their doors yet to see who's making an entrance at this ungodly hour. I halt in front of my door and breathed deeply, glad to be back despite everything. The passcode's the same, even though I've been told to change it.
I guess old habits die hard.
The moment I step in, I immediately realize that something's different. The furniture are still there, covered in white sheets. The whole place is dark save for the light in the porch and the yellow light coming from the dining area. Why the heck are the lights in the dining area open?! I listen warily, forgetting to take my shoes off as I walk slowly to the kitchen. Maybe I should get something heavy for self-defense? Pepper spray?
There's a light tapping coming from the dining table. A hooded figure's sitting there, hunkered down, wearing headphones that are connected to a phone, and before him, various papers and coffee. It's a mess in there, and there's a mess unraveling in my brain too. The man leans back and stretches his long arms, and the deep groan he emitted while doing so triggers something in my brain, and my chest. I walk closer, biting my lower lip now to surpress my smile, and then press my cold palm against the side of his neck. "Kkamjjag-iya!" [Oh my god!]
"Mhm..." I say, crossing my arms in front my chest, a tepid smile spreading on my lips. I can hear the murmur of beats and melodies from his headphones. "Hey Mark."
"Love... God, you scared the crap out of me! Jesus..." Mark breathes, standing up and taking his headphones off. "How—W-What are you doing here?!"
"Oh, I don't know, returning to MY house?!" I answer, rolling my eyes at him as I step back to allow some distance. I silently measure my heart rate as he steps closer to me, counting the beats in my head, trying to see if it races again as he gets nearer and nearer.
"I know but... I mean..." He's just a few inches away from me now, still way taller. I don't budge. His tongue passes over his lips and he sighs, so deeply he must've held that in for so long. "When... How... Why are you back? Why didn't you tell me you're coming back?" He asks, perhaps a bit confused. He pulls his hoodie down, revealing soft brown hair. I don't blink as I look up at his beautiful face, like a small child looking up at the clear sky. It's still as breathtaking as before. But my heart doesn't race.
"Because I finally feel like it..." I murmur, eyes dropping to his lips, then to his neck, then to his collarbones, and then to the fluffy material of his hoodie. "And I have no reason to tell you I'm coming back when even our boss doesn't know I'm back." He scoffs in response and shakes his head. "What are YOU doing here?" I finally ask.
"Writing lyrics..." He answers, shifting on his feet and tilting his head to the side. I feel his eyes scanning me from head to toe, a soft smile playing on his lips. "I can't concentrate at the dorm so I decided to get coffee and head out here. I told you to change your passcode but obviously you didn't listen."
"I didn't think you'd still come over."
"I didn't think you'd want me to stop coming over..."
Silence.
"I did." It's almost a whisper.
"Oh you did? Is that why you left without saying a word?" Dead silence. My heart doesn't race but I feel the slow, heavy thumping it's making as he takes one more step closer. "You kept asking me to stay that night. You were so drunk but I know you remember every single thing so don't you dare deny it. You didn't change your passcode. You didn't change the keys. You kept everything the same except for the cover sheets, and the only thing you left behind in your closet are linens and the nightgown I gave you. Do you still use the matching underwear or is it hiding somewhere in here too?" His voice is mocking, almost teasing, and I have to admit I missed that. But the image of him roaming my apartment and noticing all the pieces of me I've left behind hurts. It hurts and I don't know how to make it better.
"What is the point of running away if I'm going to take the things that remind me of you?" I reason, taking another step backwards.
"Oh, you tell me... What IS the point, Love?" I look up at him and the sadness I see in his deep brown eyes makes my insides melt. He takes a step forward still, his piercing gaze never leaves me. "You want to forget me? Really? We both knew it was gonna end at some point, Love. We knew it before it even began." Those last words seared along my skin and I give up with a sigh. He sighs too, and then steps closer and envelopes me into a warm hug. "Welcome back..." He whispers in my ear. "I've missed your face."
"I figured..." I answer, chuckling a little because his words reminded me of the song they released months after I left. "I've missed your face too..." I let my head rest on his shoulder, let my hands find their way around his waist, let my consciousness drift as he places a sweet, albeit quick, kiss on my forehead. We stay like that for a few minutes, just closing in on all the gaps that we have left behind and it almost feels as if we're gently rubbing balm on the dried out wounds that never got to properly heal. This time it's not as painful. This time I'm not crying, and neither is he. "I'm sorry..."
"I am too..." He whispers, his arms tightening around me.
The hug ends when the doorbell rings. "What the..." I say. I'm not expecting anyone, and by the looks of it Mark isn't too. We both walk to the door warily and I didn't bother looking through the peephole since I'm pretty sure whoever's on the other side knew I was in. I take my shoes off before opening the door, Mark pushes my bag to the side with his foot and stands by the hallway. The cold wind gushes inside as the man with a face mask steps in.
"Oh, Mark hyung!" His voice gives him away. "Am I interrupting here?"
"No. What are you doing here Jackson?" He answers.
"My mom told me she's back. What are YOU doing here?" Jackson asks, taking his mask off and pulling the hood off his head down. Things never seem to change around here. I close the door and pad to the living room, pulling my bag along. There's no use meddling in their conversation.
"Nevermind, I was leaving anyway." Mark says, turning his back to Jackson and shuffling to the kitchen to retrieve his things. Jackson blabbers about not seeing him all day and he finally realizes that Mark's been holing up in my empty nest. I can feel the awkwardness in the air, and Jackson's trying to alleviate that with small talk but both Mark and I are not having any of it. I pull the covers off the sofa bed, unsettling the dust suspended in the air. Jackson sneezes then coughs violently. Ah, so that's why. I knew Sophia was up to something when she asked me over for lunch the other day. She handed me a parcel and asked me to leave it for her son at the office. Obviously, I didn't need to do that know.
I sit and pat the space beside me. Jackson scoots close to me and whispers tentatively. "What? Not even a hug? Are you serious?" His remark makes me laugh. I snake my arms around his waist and he twists a little for a semi-hug. That's how Mark finds us, with Jackson's face eclipsing mine, body leaning towards me. He steps out of the kitchen with a brown pouch, face mask halfway on.
"Hey Love..." Mark shouts from across the room. It's strange, yet comforting, hearing him call me by my real name. No endearments. No moans or expletives. No meaningful looks. Nothing. Still, Jackson slowly lets me go when he sees the placid look on Mark's face. Mark smiles just a little as I stand to lead him out. "It's nice seeing you again. Let's talk sometime soon, yeah?" He says, hugging me tight one last time before heading out.
"Thanks. And yeah... We'll... We'll talk." I promise, a warm smile spreading on my face. I didn't have to tell him it was nice seeing him too as wave him goodbye before closing the door.