EPILOGUE PART 1: A Moon Like You
*Flashback*
We were halfway through the wine bottle, sitting under a solid wood umbrella of the deck table at the Seulberg Pension, when Sheen finally answered the one question that's been bothering me for the past seven years. "So who was it?" I asked, slurring just a little. I don't know if working in the music and party industry has made me more sensitive to alcohol or my if my age is catching up on me already. Either way, I think I was getting a bit tipsy then.
Sheen chuckled and looked away, cheeks stained red. "You're still thinking about that?"
"Can't blame me, I'm in another secret relationship with another member from the same damn group, what do you expect?" I shook my hand and laughed too. Jackson Wang and I have only been dating for almost four years already and so far we've gotten away with little to no scandals. I told him that maybe people thought it was old news—me and him. They've seen photos before, and fans have talked about us plenty. But he's 30 now, and the fans have grown old enough to understand that he's human too. He needed friends. Good friends. Like me and Sheen.
"Okay..." Sheen said, leaning on the table, head propped on the palm of her hand, eyes looking a lot more lost than when we started drinking. "So you want to know which K-Pop idol I banged?"
"I want to know why you said you used to be in my place too."
"Yes, because I had the exact same dilemma..." She said, tipping the remaining ruby liquid in her glass to her thin lips. "My first act was JJ Project. I just got in, I was a foreigner recruit too—you know, from Beijing—and everything was fine until a scandal threatened to come up. It never did, thankfully, because the evidence was a bit baseless, just like yours. But it was enough to get me suspended at work for like two months. A year later, just before GOT7 debuted, I asked to be transferred to JYPE Hong Kong."
"Wait... JJ Project?! So you mean—"
"NOT Jinyoung."
"Holy fu—"
"Yeah..."
We both went silent. I looked back on the day JB spoke to me in the midst of frying chicken back when I was still their video producer and I wanted to laugh at the irony of it all. I guess that's why he was so concerned. "I mean, JB was so young back then, you know? He and Jinyoung just debuted, he was wide-eyed and rockin' and I was stupid. It didn't even last for a year. So you, my girl..." She said, raising her finger at me using the hand she was holding her wine with. "...You've had one hell of a record."
"Is it a record if it wasn't an actual relationship?" I asked, smiling bitterly. She laughed hard before looking at me.
"I think you already know this but let me phrase it for you. Me and JB, you and Mark, those are actual relationships. Those may have been brief, and those may have started and ended on a bad note, but those were real... That's why I'm here in the first place." We both looked around, Yangpyeong's beautiful greenery before us, the cold wind nipped on our skins. It was the night before JB's wedding and we've all been here relaxing for over two days now because the event—as expected—was considered a top-secret affair and only about 200 or so guests. "We both just wanted to acknowledge that it was real although it really wasn't meant to be, obviously, but hey... at least it made us better people."
I nodded and thought about Mark, whom I have seen a total of seven times since arriving yesterday. He traveled with Jinyoung, arrived in his goddamn expensive car, and have been swaggering around with his superstar sunglasses on, taking phone calls and working on his laptop while sipping martinis. We haven't talked yet, and I was kind of hoping we didn't have to. It wasn't very easy now being in the same room with him and my current boyfriend, the memories from five years ago still felt like bile stuck in my throat. But we're okay. We said we're okay. It's just... Awkward, is all.
Jackson and I have been extremely busy, and while it's hard it's also ideal for us because then we wouldn't have to worry too much about rumors flying around. I've always been cool with him saying he's still single in interviews, if only to protect what little privacy we have. We try to meet up whenever I'm in Seoul, and he does his best to visit when he's in Hong Kong. Last Christmas we visited his brother and his niece in Australia. I finally got to introduce him to my family, too. It's all been good.
With me working independently now, both Jackson and I have gotten comfortable with being in a long-term relationship, one that managed to survive despite the chaos, the temptations, and the complexities of fame. "I miss working with you," I told Sheen, still smiling. When my five-year contract with JYPE has ended, I decided to strike the DJ world on my own. It hasn't been easy at all, and I still seek Sheen's advice from time to time. But the freedom and peace of mind made it all worth it.
"I miss you too!" She said, reaching out to hug me.
"Any other revelations before the big K-Pop wedding day?" I asked her earnestly. She has been in the industry far longer than I have so before I face a multitude of stars tomorrow, I would like to be briefed about their issues, thankyouverymuch.
"Let's see... Of course there's JB who's getting married to his non-celebrity girlfriend," She said, counting one with her long, thin finger. I smiled at that because I was so damn happy to find out that Jaebum is marrying Eun Ah, who I've met before because of Jenny's sister, Bam. I didn't even know back then that she had already been dating JB secretly so I was sufficiently floored when I found out that they were getting married. The media went nuts when JYPE announced it. "You probably already know that Mark and Jinyoung are listed as South Korea's top bachelors, although I really don't understand why Mark's on that list because he's American." Sheen continued, rolling her eyes.
"Hey, he's on every billboard and every Korean magazine and runway. Plus, he's got businesses here already." I answered, feeling a bit defensive for my ex. To be fair, he didn't look like he aged past 25. The man looked just as gorgeous as he was sitting under the night sky at Santa Monica beach in 2016.
"Fine, fine. But I don't think it's fair that he's still single. That's ridiculous. He's really hot."
"I know. He once said he wanted to get married after 10 years and it's way past his deadline now so I don't know what's up with him." My answer garnered a sly smirk from Sheen. "Stop that." I said, pointing a finger at her accusatory look. I refused to think that it was my fault he hasn't found anyone to marry yet. I haven't either, and I'm older than him.
"Why are you still so defensive about this?!"
"Why were you looking at me like that?!"
"Nothing! I'm just thinking... Like, what if you guys didn't break up? Or like, what if you two got back together when he—"
"Because..." I've been through those thoughts already. Over and over. And I always ended up with the same damn answer.
"Because Jackson. Right." Sheen took another swig of her wine and then smiled. I didn't have to wait for her to change subjects, she already knew how to take my mind off the things that happened in the past. "Oh, please tell me you've seen Jinyoung's latest drama. He's gotten so good at acting!" She said.
"Jackson made me watch it the other night. I've only seen one episode but Jingyoung in a pilot uniform?! Gosh, what a concept." I answered, emphasizing my last words.
"I hope he's not wearing white tomorrow because I'm like 100% sure Jackson's gonna tease him about it." Sheen's comment made me laugh because I knew she was right. My boyfriend still had that childish streak in him. "Oh, where were we. Youngjae. Right. I'm sure you know Youngjae's dating Mina, she—"
"What?!"
"What?"
"I didn't know!"
"Oh..."
"Goddammit, I just saw her two weeks ago!" I whined, taking my phone from my pocket to send Mina a text message. She must be the girl Youngjae kept singing to on the radio, but the idol-turned-DJ never once admitted to it. He would often laugh his airy chuckle whenever broadcast partner Jae pressed him on about it, but he never once gave a straight answer. "I am so grilling her about it tomorrow night." I decided, realizing that there's more reason to see her at the wedding tomorrow apart from her being an ex-JYPE employee. The last time we met over coffee she said she's working at KBS as a video producer for some of their variety programs.
"To be fair they only started dating less than a year ago so cut her some slack. Anyway... There's BamBam." Sheen said, still counting.
"Oh, I know what's up with BamBam, he still fills me in on every fucking detail of his wild sex life and his new show in Thailand—trust me, I know TOO MUCH." I laughed. We never stopped talking after I got back to Korea from Hong Kong because he said he missed his big sister so much. Thankfully he stopped hitting on me when he found out about me and Mark, and then about me and Jackson. When the four Korean members got into the army and GOT7 went into official hiatus, BamBam went home to Thailand to create a chain of cafes, launch his own clothing line, and star in a few Thai dramas. A month ago, I introduced him to Troye Sivan and Tyde Levi's sister Sagey. She's a model, and a frequent attendee at my Australian gigs, much like her brother Tyde. I've been told they've been talking a lot lately and I've resolved to tease Bam about it endlessly.
"Good, so that's five. I won't ask about Jackson anymore, you have way more details than I could ever imagine. Yugyeom's giving out dance classes, I went to one... You know, just to like, workout. Anyway, he's pretty good... Lots of young students..." Sheen started pouring more wine into her glass, cheeks flushed red perhaps due to the wine.
We fell into silence, relishing the light-bulb moment that we've all gotten so far compared to when we started. My mind went back to Jackson, who's spending the night bonding with his brothers after months of not seeing each other. Their comeback's still under negotiations. It's harder now that they all have something going on and with Team Wang still keeping Jackson busy in China, I doubt the group would be releasing anything anytime soon. But I am one of the very few people who could attest that GOT7's still solid even after all these years. They were brothers, after all, not just a team.
"Oh, I've seen some members of BTS and Monsta X loitering around last night and today!" Sheen said, disrupting my thoughts.
"Who?" I asked, consciously biting my lip. Of course I haven't been up and about the past few days. Jackson has this thing about having lots of sex in new hotel rooms—but of course I won't tell Sheen that.
"I saw Shownu yesterday, he's looking fine. Jooheon was here too, didn't Jackson mention that?" She asked. I shook my head in response, omitting the fact that I've been with Jackson the whole day yesterday, locked up in our room. "Yeah, they're here. All of the BTS members would be here too, I heard, and some guys from B.A.P and VIXX. The 2PM guys are coming in too, and JYP because he's the principal sponsor—You gotta make JYP your principal sponsor too when you get married." Sheen ratted on.
"Shut up, Sheen!" I said, blushing profusely.
"Oh my god, you're totally blushing. Did he propose already?! Let me see you hand!" She said, grabbing my hand to check for rings. Words do not count anymore when you're in an industry like ours. Any celebrity can lie about being single a thousand times and no one would bat an eyelash. But a ring, a bracelet, sometimes even matching pendants mean more than words of confirmation.
"No, he hasn't!" I said, slapping her hand away from my empty right hand. The subject of weddings have popped up here and there, and of course Jackson already had plans, which often made me laugh though I'd join in on the virtual planning every once in a while. Somehow the virtual wedding planning felt like a safety net of some sorts, a bubble we would often enter whenever the stardom and the parties faded in the background.
"But do you want it? Is he the type of guy you'd think you'd marry?" She asked, looking at me with tilted head.
The sound of cicadas from the distant trees made everything around us feel a lot more serene. I looked down on the courtyard below us. It was being decorated with white tables and silver lawn chairs. The workers were mounting a stage right upfront with the most gorgeous white columns and white and silver tapestries. Everything looked like something straight out of a dreamy live-action Disney movie.
"Yes," I finally said, after the stretch of silence. I wasn't thinking of an answer, I just wanted to savor that moment. I wanted to relish the fact that when asked whether I wanted to settle down with Jackson, my heart stilled, like it does every single time I'm with him. "I mean, he's not the type of guy I'd marry... He IS the guy I want to marry... Probably not now... like now, NOW. I don't think it's gonna happen soon. We're both busy. But if he asks, I'd totally say yes." I said, words flowing out softly.
"Jesus, you're making me emotional here." Sheen said while fanning her face and looking upwards, tears forming in the corners of her eyes.
"Yah, uljima!" I said, fanning my face too, as if it would prevent the tears from falling. She giggled when she heard me speaking in Korean again. "You know, to be honest, I don't think you're emotional because of me, I think you're emotional because JB's getting married and that's totally okay!" That comment made her giggles break into rounded laughter as she nodded in agreement. "You're gonna find a decent guy, I promise. Who knows? He might be at the reception tomorrow!" I joked, wiggling my eyebrows at her. "Thank you, really... For everything." I added after wiping a rogue tear.
The tears have freely fallen from Sheen's face already and I hugged her once more, rubbing her back. I kept telling her that it's okay to still feel things even after all these years. It's okay to hurt, not just because of what happened but also because of how greatly it affected your life. I didn't think I'd be the person I've become if it wasn't for my decisions some years back. I probably wouldn't even be with Jackson.
We finished our wine before finally deciding to retreat into our bedrooms. Faces puffy and minds clouded.
*Flashforward*
The worst possible way to wake up in the morning, apparently, is the one where you're blinded by sunlight violently streaming through the thick curtains that have been yanked apart by someone you just can't seem to hate. I groan and stir, eyelids fluttering before turning the other way. "Honey, please..."
"The alarm went off five minutes ago."
"I don't care."
"We have a wedding to go to, Honey, come on."
"No."
"Oh, you want me to carry you to the shower then? Because you know I can totally do that..." His voice, I now recognize, is more teasing than threatening. I struggle to come out of the cocoon of blankets and pillows to show him my puffy morning face.
"God, Jackson, it's too early for shower sex." I declare. The beddings feel like I'm being eaten alive, and comfortably at that. He laughs, making my insides go fuzzy. Must be the hunger. Must also be the fluffy fondness I've always had for him. He crawls on the bed towards me and pins me down playfully, peppering my face with kisses.
"Well then how about we go for a quick morning sex right here before we shower?" He growls softly in my ear, caging my wrists with a strong grip, his morning wood grazing my thighs. I moan some sort of assent before pulling his shirt off. "Oh someone's needy..."
"Mmmhhh, shut up." I answer, grabbing him by the back of the neck and kissing him hard. Frankly, I'm way too hungover for morning sex. My hair is a mess and my breath stinks, I just know it. But he's looking at me with those glazed over eyes again and for a moment it makes me forget everything about my current situation, everything I've learned the night before, and everything that has happened before that.