I'll warn you now, this is a very intense and long chapter that deals with themes of non-consensual sex, attempted suicide, physical assault and infant death. It's heavy and dark I'm afraid, but I didn't want to downplay the trauma of events that can and have happened to women everywhere, that happen on a daily basis. I also don't want to upset anyone that has personally experienced any of these issues, as that was never my intention, so as a guide anything that follows the phrase "flashback" will be pretty hardcore. If you feel it would be a trigger for anything, or would prefer to avoid it, that's where to stop. You can start again where it says "end flashback" to return to the story, it should be okay in the present-timeline parts. Alternatively, you can skip the chapter. If that's the case then let me know and I can post a 'summary' chapter for the contents of this one that just outline the gist of it instead.
Please forgive me for everything I'm about to do guys…
Beca had absolutely nothing to say. She was rigid with shock and she knew her mouth was hanging open. She managed to snap her teeth back together after a moment and knocked back some of her whisky, trying to think through the buzzing in her ears. The drink set fire to enough of her neurons for her to form a sentence. She croaked to life. "You have a-"
"Had." Sabine cut her off. Their eyes met and suddenly Beca understood so many of the emotions she'd seen roiling in those turbulent eyes this whole time. Pain, anguish, regret, self-hatred even. And then the other woman lowered her gaze. "Yes." She answered Beca's silent question. "He...died. I apologise, I don't have the English idioms to make that any less blunt. He was very tiny, and very sick. The Lullaby...I sang it to him from the day I knew I would grow with him to the day I lost him forever." Her eyes shimmered and she swallowed thickly. Beca found her own eyes were wet and she blinked quickly in an attempt to stop the inevitable.
She felt the million-and-one questions rising like a tidal wave and Sabine could obviously see it happening. She closed her eyes then and hung her head.
"There is quite a story here. Are you sure you wish to hear it?" Beca nodded fiercely and reached out to grasp her wrist.
"I do. But only if you want to tell me – and only whatever you feel ready to."
Sabine smiled thinly. "You're a good woman Beca, meine engel. It's you who should have the name, not someone like me."
Beca had no reply to the deeply emotional comment, she was surprised by Sabine's high opinion of her and could only stroke the inside of her wrist in response, rubbing her thumb softly up and down the silky skin. Sabine was silent as she wondered where to begin now, then drew a deep breath that shook ever so slightly.
"So, you remember DSM?" Beca nodded. "All of them?" She nodded again. "Hm. And the beatboxer, Andrei?"
Beca nodded again, one short incline of her head. The feeling that had been niggling at the back of her mind, the uncomfortable itch since she'd first seen the new DSM recordings, suddenly rose in her mind once more. She waited for Sabine to continue.
* FLASHBACK *
"Sabie, are you joining us for a 'team building' meal?" Called Pieter, wiggling his eyebrows at his best friend, knowing really that she wouldn't miss the chance to eat her weight in veggie burgers at the team's favourite restaurant around the corner. She grinned over at him as she packed her kit bag.
"Of course! I wouldn't miss it for the world – the food I mean. The team building not so much!"
Pieter stuck his tongue out at her and she giggled in response. "Okay, okay, just give me a few minutes I need to shower if we're going out." Pieter nodded as the various DSM members filed past them, heaving his own kit bag over his shoulder.
"Don't be too long or we'll have to leave without you. Ellin looks like she's going to chew someone's leg off if we don't get food into her soon." He rolled his eyes as he said it and Sabine laughed again, picking up her bag and starting to run towards the dance studio's changing rooms.
"Don't worry, I won't be long. I'll meet you outside in ten minutes I promise!"
Pieter waved his hand dismissively, knowing that it was a blatant lie but accepting it anyway. Sabine hurried off through the changing rooms, dropping her kit bag on a bench near the showers. After pulling out a towel and wash bag, she slipped out of her sweaty training clothes and headed towards the wet room area. She turned the water up until it was almost unbearably hot and stepped under the heavy stream – perfect for post-dance muscle aches, and it made her groan quietly in satisfaction. She allowed the water to beat down over tired shoulders and ease her back, before leaning her head back so it could run through her sweat-dampened hair. As the water massaged her scalp she moaned again – post-practise showers always felt amazing.
"That's a very enjoyable sound you make."
Sabine jumped violently and snapped her eyes open, immediately trying to cover as much of herself as possible with nothing but her two hands. In front of her, just beyond the reach of the water, stood Andrei. He was perfectly still, hands in pockets as he stared at her, eyes sliding all over her naked body. Despite feeling incredibly vulnerable, a flash of anger burned through her.
"What the fuck do you think you're doing?" she demanded, the sound of Kommissar threading through her voice, hiding the apprehension she felt. Andrei ignored her.
"Perhaps you would make some of those sounds for me." His face was practically unreadable, appearing calm but for the darkly predatory look in his eyes and Sabine felt a heavy ball of fear drop into the pit of her stomach. She realised just how bad the situation was and her mind began to race trying to find a way out of it.
"Andrei-"
"Yes Sabine, do say my name. It sounds so good in your voice..."
Sabine shuddered and backed instinctively against the wall. Her eyes flickered out towards the changing rooms as she calculated an escape route but a moment later his figure shadowed her vision, cutting off her hopes of salvation. She looked instead up into Andrei's hard eyes. "Please don't do this..." she whispered, her heart beating wildly in her chest while tears threatened at the corners of her eyes. Andrei only sneered at her and she knew what was in his mind at that moment, knew what he intended. Nausea washed over her as he smirked and reached forward slowly. She cringed into the cold, tiled wall behind her as his hand moved closer but just as his fingertips brushed her upper arm she ducked under his grasp and leaped forward. She whipped past him, eyes on the door to the changing rooms. Hope added strength to her strides as she sped towards her escape.
The next minute however, she was yanked back sharply, Andrei's hand wrapped in her wet hair and pulling her down, back towards him. She cried out in agony, and he kissed her roughly to silence her, biting hard on her lower lip and drawing blood. She felt it seep into her mouth, could taste the bitter tang of iron against her tongue. She screamed against his mouth, struggling until she broke free, calling out then in a wordless panicked cry. She could hear her voice as though it was coming from someone else, high and shrill, totally out of control. No longer the measured Kommissar of Das Sound Machine. A powerful hand closed around her throat and she began to gasp, scrabbling against Andrei's squeezing grip. He knew just the right amount of pressure to apply to silence her but not allow her to black out.
"Scream again and I'll kill you." He said simply. He was cold and completely in control, devoid of emotion. And that terrified Sabine more than if he'd been angry. Anger was passionate and opened itself up to mistakes, it would give her a possibility of getting away. But he was totally calm on the surface. When he said he'd kill her she knew he wasn't threatening, merely stating a fact. She wheezed against his choke-hold and he watched her eyes roll back into her head before he released his grip, throwing her to the floor. White-hot pain flashed behind Sabine's eyes as her head connected with the corner of a bench on the way down and she curled up on the floor cradling her hands around her skull, feeling her consciousness start to swim almost instantly. She wished with all her heart that this was the worst he could do to her, but she knew she wouldn't get away with just that. She prayed for a miracle all the same, as she felt him grab her shoulders and turn her over. She made pleading eye contact one last time but said nothing to him, her thoughts beginning to disjoint after the blow to her head. He stood up and she looked away then, turning her head to the side. She heard fabric moving and felt his weight against her, bile rising to her throat. She focused on one corner near the door of the changing rooms, ignoring the tears that started to flow free from her eyes, burning tracks across the bridge of her nose and down one cheek.
Sabine huddled under the still-running shower, her arms wrapped around her knees and drawing them up under her chin. She was shivering violently, her teeth clattering against each other while she cried silently, eyes wide open leaking salt water to mingle with the shower droplets running over her skin. She was in shock, unable to process the events that had unfolded. Andrei had left her lying on the floor of the changing room, bitten, bruised and aching deep inside. When she heard the changing room door shut behind him she'd crawled back to the familiarity of the hot water and begun to scrub at her body as hard as she could. She felt as though with enough force perhaps she could eradicate the physical marks of the last half an hour along with his scent and fluids.
Eventually Sabine rose, turned off the shower and headed back to her bag with her towel wrapped around her. She felt as though she was trying to wade through treacle – her legs were heavy and stiff and her brain was barely functioning. She sat slowly on the bench next to her kit bag, hissing as pain stung at various parts of her.
After a few moments of her staring into space blankly, a soft chime made her turn her gaze down and she saw her phone lighting up in her bag. She reached for it in a daze and glanced at the screen. Messages and missed calls from Pieter.
Pieter: Hurry up.
Pieter: Where are you?
Pieter: We NEED to go Ellin's looking at me like I'm her next meal
(3 missed calls)
Pieter: Andrei just passed on your message, sorry you're feeling sick liebling! Be careful getting home, I'll check in on you when I get back. Let me know if you need anything? P x
He'd even lied to Pieter about it, to curb any suspicion about her long shower or her being missing.
Sabine threw her phone back into her bag and began to sob into her hands, bent double, her whole body shaking hard as she cried her heart out feeling totally broken beyond the physical aspects. Her entire life would never be the same again, she recognised that. But what could she do?
Sabine awoke to crisp white sheets and Pieter's sleeping face resting by her left elbow. She blinked slowly and tried to recall anything that might help her. Glancing around she guessed she was in a hospital room by the look of it and her brain started to tick faster as it caught up.
Andrei...the shower room...she could feel a panic attack begin to grip her and her breath rasped in her throat as it closed over. She tensed and the tears began again, she felt like all she would ever be capable of now was crying. They trailed over her cheeks and soaked into her soft golden hair, then her pillow, leaving little dark patches behind. Pieter must have been disturbed by the change in her breathing because he woke up then and grabbed her hand roughly as he tried to make eye contact.
"Sabie!" he gasped, the pet name falling easily from his lips in his haste to ensure his best friend was okay. He reached a hand up to stroke her hair, trying to calm her but she flinched at the touch and cried out. He drew his hand quickly away and shushed her gently instead, trying his best to ease her anxiety. Gradually, Sabine's panicked breaths slowed and her eyes became less wild. She looked at her friend, noting the grey skin and sleep-deprivation that he wore like an old coat.
"Pieter..." her voice was rough and faint, the rich tones he was used to hearing being replaced with an aged wheeze.
"I'm here Sabie." He murmured, rubbing her hand softly.
"What...what happened?" She asked him, wide blue eyes imploring. He gazed intently at her and shook his head, his own eyes overly-bright.
"I hoped you could tell me Sabie." he shrugged. She frowned, confused.
"Why am I here?" she questioned, motioning to the hospital surroundings with just eye movements. A tear definitely shone on Pieter's face then.
"You don't remember?" He almost-whispered. She shook her head, baffled. "I...I found you. I was worried with you having been ill...when I came to check on you...Oh Sabie!" And he broke down completely. Pieter, her staunch, shit-talking right-hand man was sobbing like a child in front of her. She stared at him in horror.
"Pieter what are you talking about?"
He glared at her then and threw an empty pill bottle into her lap. "Perhaps this will jog your memory." He muttered harshly, pain and exhaustion turning him harsh. Her eyes widened as memories came flooding back…
Sitting on the edge of her bed, in the apartment she shared with Pieter, knowing he'd be gone at rehearsals for the afternoon. Knowing it was enough time.
Tipping pills out into her hands and swallowing them like candy along with as much vodka as she could manage. The alcohol burned at her, but never enough to absolve everything inside of her…
She stared vacantly down at the IV ports in her arms, pumping her full of fluids to counteract the overdose. Pieter glared at her.
"You did a pretty thorough job according to the doctors."
Sabine dropped her eyes and turned her gaze away from him. "Not thorough enough it would seem." She murmured, trying desperately to hold back the torment that was building. He growled at her.
"If I hadn't needed to come back for my phone charger, I wouldn't have been there to check on you..." He winced and more tears fell. Sabine felt her heart break into brittle little shards as she watched the closest person she'd ever had to an actual brother crumble into an emotional mess. Over her. She shrank away from him, wishing he wouldn't waste his tears on her. "Why Sabie?" He begged, through his sorrow. "Why would you do this to yourself? I thought you could tell me anything." He tried to look into her eyes, to get an answer from her, but she couldn't face the feelings of guilt and self-disgust that reared and threatened to drown her. She swallowed past the lump and rolled onto her side in the hospital bed, turning her back on him and curling in on herself.
"I guess not." He finished quietly, his voice weighed down with hurt. After a pause, she heard him turn and leave the room. As the door closed behind him she squeezed her eyes shut against yet more tears, exhausted with everything.
She dry-heaved as she stared at the little blue lines. The test lines had appeared even before the control, strong and definite. There was no mistaking the positive. She let the plastic stick fall from her hands and clatter to the bathroom floor, her eyes wide as her brain went into overdrive.
Suddenly she rushed for the toilet and vomited the entire contents of her stomach, not morning sickness this time but an overwhelming rise of emotions too complex for her to sift through all at once. She had cried herself out long ago, but it didn't stop the wail of despair that burst from the depths of her soul, her cracked lips bleeding as her mouth stretched wide around the inhuman sound she had no control over.
Pieter burst through the door at that moment, his face pale. "Sabie!" He cried out, obviously expecting the worst. What he found was the ghost-like shell of his friend kneeling on the floor with her head buried in arms that were crossed over the toilet seat. She was moaning incoherently into her sleeves, a horrible keening sound that tore at his heart. He put his hands on her shoulders but she was immovable, so he opted for crouching next to her and rubbing slow circles on her back instead. Since she'd been discharged from the hospital several weeks before, she'd retreated back to her room and said nothing more to him. He'd continued to try and draw her out, to get to the bottom of the sudden and extreme decline she'd gone through but no answers were forthcoming. It was baffling, everything had seemed just fine in her life until...one day it just wasn't. She'd even stopped going to DSM rehearsals, dropped out of the group altogether. Any time he mentioned her coming back she'd have a severe panic attack and end up curled tightly into a ball on her bed, her face tucked into her knees as she rocked and gasped, shuddering with adrenaline, fear and tears.
He frowned to himself as he made soothing nonsense sounds, still rubbing softly at her back. What should he do? What could he do? Without any clue as to why this was happening…
His eyes fell on the pregnancy test lying on the bathroom floor. The blood drained from his own face and it felt as though ice had washed suddenly right through him all the way to his feet. His hands fell away from her as he reached out slowly to pick it up and look carefully at it. He didn't need to be a genius to at least figure that much out. He cleared his throat carefully.
"Sabie..." The tone in his voice this time made her look up long enough to catch sight of his expression. He held up the test where she could also see it. "I think it's time you told me what's been going on."
*END FLASHBACK*
Deafening silence filled the room as Sabine paused for breath. She'd been talking continuously in a soft voice for the last hour, tears cascading over her cheeks at points but never wavering from her intention. Beca was sitting in stunned silence, one hand covering her mouth in shock and anguish while her cheeks were shining and wet with the tears she'd shed herself. She swallowed thickly.
"Sabine-" Her voice was cracked and she cleared her throat to continue. "What..." But she didn't know what she wanted to ask or say first. She shrugged and gazed helplessly at the blonde before her. She wanted nothing more than to comfort her, to draw her into her arms and fill her with so much love that she would never feel pain or fear again. The German, however, shook her head slowly.
"It is still only half of the story liebling." She sighed and straightened herself once more. "A lot changed within me that day, the day I learned I was carrying my son. Despite everything, I vowed I would keep him and try to love him enough to erase the stain of his conception." She winced as more painful memories surfaced. "It may seem strange that I'd want to keep a child from such circumstances, but...I hadn't ever considered having children before then. I was a career-driven lesbian with no time for a relationship, never mind all of the fuss that came with having a child as well. The beauty to being gay as I'm sure you know, Beca, is no unwanted pregnancies." She gave a short, bitter laugh as she looked at the brunette and shrugged. "But being faced with such a situation, I found a new side to myself forming, one that was full of sentimentality and hope. Hope that the tiny life I was partly responsible for would help me to become something better, something new and strong again. I discounted Andrei from it all and focussed on my part in it – I was the one growing him, nurturing him, forming every tiny little habit and characteristic he would have for the rest of his life. And truly, in that moment I found the strength I needed to live. I believed, briefly, that I could have a shot at being a good person." Her head hung then, chin leaning on her chest as she drew in a shaky breath.
"Of course Pieter dragged the truth out of me that day on the bathroom floor. Eventually I told him what had happened. He was my best friend, I knew in that moment that I could turn to him for support. He was so angry..." She closed her eyes tightly as she remembered the roar of pure rage that had torn itself from Pieter's chest when she told him. Absolute white-hot fury burned in his eyes and he'd clenched his fists tightly, desperate to pummel the so-called man that had broken his Sabine, the woman he saw as his little sister and doted on as such. She'd cringed away from him in fear when she saw his anger rise, and he'd immediately returned to comforting her to try and bring her back to him. "He promised me he'd protect me, that he'd help me though everything. But passion is a terrible thing at times Beca. He was a man with a strong love of all that is honest and just in the world, he couldn't let something like that go unpunished I suppose. And so, in his own way, he tried to fix things."
Beca shifted slightly, easing muscles that had become stiff from sitting on the floor at Sabine's feet for so long. Her drink was long-since gone and she placed her empty glass on the bedside table, to break up the stiffness of her posture and fill the small silence left by Sabine. After a second, the other woman continued.
"Eventually I fell asleep from sheer exhaustion and he put me to bed, then it would seem he went to seek out Andrei. I hadn't spoken to him after he...attacked me. So of course he knew nothing, and my absence from DSM was a source of gossip for the others but there was no information to be gained from it – I'd spoken to no one and Pieter hadn't told them about the suicide attempt. Despite everything, he worked hard to keep my dignity intact. That much I'll always be grateful for. I guess he managed to find Andrei in the end though, because the next time I was alone in our apartment he turned up at the door." She shuddered then, wrapping her arms around herself as though she could shield herself physically from the memories. Beca rose and went to sit tentatively next to Sabine, waiting for the other woman to move to give her a sense of what action to take next. The blonde turned and leaned into Beca, so she wrapped an arm around her and began to rub her arm softly to try and offer some sort of support. After a long moment, Sabine drew back.
"Andrei demanded that I abort the baby. He wanted no lasting evidence of the attack and he feared I could go to the authorities once the baby was born and convict him with a DNA test. I told him whatever I needed to, to get him to leave me alone and in one piece, and thankfully he didn't touch me again. But he threatened to kill me if I didn't get rid of my child. My child Beca. He wanted him dead. I was angry once he'd left, angry at Andrei for thinking he still owned my body in any way, but also at Pieter for doing that to me. I felt he'd had no right to go behind my back, and so we had a blazing row when he got back. I refused to speak to him for days, but eventually I came around. I still refused to abort my baby, and instead I set up my maternity appointments, spoke to a mental health midwife and with Pieter's help I got all the support I could possibly need or want, to prepare for life as a parent. For a few short months it was actually somewhat pleasant. I hid in a little bubble of denial, focussing only on the feeling of my son growing and gaining strength inside of me. Every day I sang to him-"
"Lullaby..." Beca interrupted in a hushed voice.
"Ja." Nodded Sabine. "I remember he used to enjoy me singing to him. It would wake him up and he would stretch and wiggle, I could feel his little body softly curling into mine..." Her eyes became unfocussed as she was momentarily lost in brief times of bliss. Beca watched as the emotions crossed her face and an image flickered unbidden into her mind. An image of Sabine sitting in a rocking chair, a beam of sunlight creating a halo from her golden hair as she rocked slowly back and forth and stroked the soft curve of a baby-swollen belly, her voice singing that haunting melody that she would know even in her sleep. Her breath caught in her throat at the beautiful image, fresh tears stinging her eyes. She felt a pang of jealousy then, that she hadn't been in Sabine's life to witness such a time, the realisation that she may never get to see it, in her own house as her wife and mother to a child they'd had conceived in love instead of darkness.
Sabine looked at her curiously, but she just shook her head and indicated that the musician should continue. Thoughts like that couldn't be shared – certainly not at a time like this, if ever. The other woman began to speak again.
"And then one day, I made a mistake." The statement was simple enough but Beca sensed there was a much deeper meaning to it. "I'd finally gained enough confidence to leave the apartment on my own and in daylight. For months I'd been creeping around, having Pieter drive me places I needed to get to or only travelling at odd times. I didn't want to risk Andrei finding me and discovering the truth about keeping my baby. But one day I was overconfident, and wanted to get some things for his nursery. So I took a walk through the town to look in the baby shops. The sun was shining, I was finally feeling healthy, I felt positive and full of joy at what my future was bringing me." She gave a bitter little smile. "I should've known better." Beca, sensed another horrible twist coming in Sabine's story. "Of course, the one day I chose to go and live my life, Andrei managed to spot me. And obviously there was no mistaking the fact that I was still pregnant. I didn't see him coming, I was too distracted. He grabbed my arm as I looked in a shop window and managed to drag me away without making a scene." Memories flashed rapidly before Sabine's eyes and she began to tremble against Beca. "I'd hoped never to see that look in his eyes again after the first time, but there it was – the intent to kill me if he needed to. And honestly, I think that's what he intended that day." Beca ground her teeth together and made an animalistic noise deep in her throat, surprising Sabine. She looked to the smaller woman, eyebrows raised, but continued. "Well...I won't go into detail. But he beat me and left me for dead in that alley. I'm sure he thought I was, but he was wrong..."
*FLASHBACK*
Sabine groaned and groggily lifted her head from the cold cobbles, her ears ringing and pain tearing through her. She's heard Andrei's rapid footsteps as he ran from the scene he'd caused, so she knew he thought she was already dead. She briefly wondered if maybe she was. She pushed herself up slowly, gasping harshly as pain ripped through her abdomen. One hand flew to a wall next to her as she doubled over in pain, crying out harshly. Warmth was flooding her thighs and when she tentatively lifted her long shirt out of the way, she saw bright red blood starting to blossom on her jeans. She howled in distress, knowing then that Andrei had irrevocably damaged her unborn son. Footsteps again sounded in her ears and she threw her hands up in front of herself, sobbing wildly, fearing more pain.
"No, please, no more! He's dying, oh god he's dying!" And she vomited then, her vision swimming violently. Soft hands gripped her forearms and a stranger's voice spoke to her, urgently asking her name and brief details of her pregnancy, which they echoed to another voice next to them. From what Sabine could tell, she'd made enough noise to attract attention and this was in fact someone trying to help her and not Andrei returning to silence her. She couldn't focus on anything else as another wave of pain tore through her, leaving her breathless and on her hands and knees. She had no idea what was happening any more and in that moment she prayed for death.
Sabine stared down into the incubator she was leaning on, taking in the tiny form within, covered in wires and tubes that were feeding him, breathing for him and keeping him alive. He was absolutely perfect and without even thinking about it she began to sing his lullaby to him, hoping he would be able to hear his mama. A tear escaped her eye and splashed onto her son's artificial womb. She was being eaten alive inside, knowing that she should still be carrying him, that she'd failed him when he needed her the most. Her empty belly ached to have him still growing inside where he belonged instead of struggling on his own in the cruel outside world. She sniffed and wiped her eyes, sighing heavily.
A white coat slipped into the edge of her vision and Sabine startled, snapping her head up to take in a full view of her intruder. It was the consultant who'd been charged with her care, and she allowed herself to relax ever so slightly.
"Ms Engel?" He asked cautiously. She only nodded in response, staring warily at him. "How are you today?" He asked. She scoffed at the stupidity of his question and he acknowledged its insensitivity. "I know," he conceded, "it's a silly question, but we have to ask." He paused, shuffling the papers on his clipboard unnecessarily, trying to settle in the uncomfortable situation. He tentatively made eye contact with her. "I realise now probably isn't a good time, but we need to talk about...well, about you."
Sabine couldn't stop her eyebrows from raising in surprise at that. "What do you mean, 'about me'?" She asked. "There's nothing to say or know, he is what's important now." She indicated her tiny son in his incubator.
"I accept that you feel that way Ms Engel, but unfortunately we cannot let this lie." He glanced at her battered face, one eye black and swollen, cuts everywhere, lips purple and split in several places and he knew from the photos in her file that she was covered in heavy black bruises all over her body, particularly her abdomen. Several of the marks were distinct shoe prints where she'd been savagely kicked. He and many of his staff had been horrified at the state of her and marvelled that she was still alive, much less her baby son. Despite the state of her face, her chin was raised in proud defiance and he could see the queen beneath the injuries. Humbled, he continued. "The police would like to take a statement from you."
Her breath caught in her throat. "I don't want to talk to them." she stated curtly. She had no time to worry about anything else, and she feared that involving the authorities would definitely end in her body being found several months from now in a shallow grave in the woods somewhere. Her consultant frowned at her.
"I would urge you to consider it at least Ms Engel. They can deal with whoever did this to you, they have evidence, they just need your statement to go with it and they can convict."
"What do you mean, they have evidence?"
"There were witnesses, the two who found you saw your attacker running away. I really think-"
"I don't care what you think!" Snapped Sabine, causing him to fall silent. She sighed a moment later and pinched the bridge of her nose with her fingers, realising that his words were starting to make sense. "...I'll think about it. Give me today, and I'll know whether I want to give a statement or not." The consultant nodded and went to inform the plain-clothes police that had been surreptitiously stationed outside of the room.
Sabine turned back to her son, the numerous machines in the NICU beeping and whooshing around her as other sick babies fought to live, while worried parents or caring nurses looked on. It was hell on earth for her, not being able to touch him. Her arms ached for the comforting weight of her baby and she missed all of the simple little things she'd daydreamed about – holding him close in a cuddle, sniffing his baby smell in the soft blonde tufts of his hair, inspecting the tiny fingers and toes, a plump little hand resting on her breast as he fed...all of those had been snatched away from her in just a few short minutes of rage and violence.
A fire welled up inside of her then. She focussed on her son's tiny chest as it rose and fell, his sparrow-like ribs stretching the fragile skin, the tell-tale darkness and translucency of prematurity making her heart ache all over again. She clenched her fists as her resolve strengthened and she strode from the room to look for the officers she knew would be nearby.
Tears welled uncontrollably in Sabine's eyes as she held her son for the first and last time, his tiny frame cradled against her bare chest. The NICU nurse beside her put a hand on her shoulder and squeezed gently, her own eyes damp. There was a pause for a few moments and then, finally, Sabine nodded wordlessly. The nurse carefully pulled at the tape on his face, and with an efficiency that surprised Sabine despite the current situation, she swiftly withdrew his breathing and feeding tubes. She backed away then, giving Sabine the time she needed to say goodbye.
She tucked his tiny body higher up, so that their hearts were beating against each other and hoped he would feel comfort at last. With his face free of tape, tubes and masks, she could see his delicate features, destined to be so like her own. Images flashed rapidly through her consciousness, of a sweet one year old blowing out his first birthday candle. A chubby little two year old with white-blonde hair and piercing blue eyes, laughing as he ran on sturdy little legs away from his chasing mama. A stubborn three year old riding his first balance bike. A stoic four year old standing tall in front of his preschool as his proud mama took a picture for posterity. Cold winter evenings spent snuggled up on a couch with hot popcorn and a cosy film together. Day trips everywhere so he could explore and learn about the world around him as his mother guided him gently. All these things she had promised him, and now she felt that she'd failed him. So she held him as tightly as she dared and sang his lullaby to him, as his erratic little breaths became laboured and then eventually he gave a last sigh. She felt the very moment he left her forever, his body stilling with a terrifying finality.
And then she splintered entirely, into a thousand thousand shards of agony. An inhuman scream swelled up in her chest and roared from her, before she descended into wracking sobs, her sorrow overwhelming her entirely. Her hands cradled her dead son to her as she cried out, feeling her heart breaking over and over again, knowing she could never be whole while a part of her was to be taken away so cruelly.
The nurse allowed her as much time as she needed, and when her voice was hoarse and she'd run out of tears, she went then to start the preparations for Sabine's baby boy to be bathed and laid out. Sabine had shed every emotion possible with each tear that had fallen and now was an empty shell, nothing left inside of her to feel or think. She followed the nurse with her little boy still in her arms, not knowing how she would ever be able to let go and hand him over.
*END FLASHBACK*
Beca held a sobbing Sabine against her own chest, stroking her hair and weeping silently. Her heart was breaking for the woman she cradled and she wasn't sure at this point how to fix it.
After a while, Sabine stilled in Beca's arms and then sat up, wiping her palms across her face to get rid of the tear stains she knew would be there. She took a deep, steadying breath.
"I couldn't bury him in the end, I couldn't face the thought of putting him in a dark hole in the ground and having to leave him. So I had him cremated and...well..." She ran her hands through her hair, looking nervous now. Beca made a slight noise to encourage her to go on. "I...keep his urn with me. It will sound so strange, I know. And maybe creepy to anyone who isn't me. But...I feel like he will always need his mama." She suddenly looked very awkward and pulled away from Beca. "I realise that makes me seem-"
But Beca interrupted her with a quiet "Shh." The two woman made eye contact then and Beca set a gentle hand against Sabine's cheek. "It doesn't make you seem like anything more than a mother. A good mother, at that." Sabine briefly rested her forehead against Beca's, eyes closed.
"Thank you." She whispered. They stayed like that for several minutes, until Beca broke the contact.
"What happened to Andrei? Did you put in your statement to the cops?"
Sabine nodded, closing her eyes tiredly. "Yes. I recorded my statement, to be used against him. I couldn't face seeing him again, but they said they could use the video instead. They were right, and he was imprisoned." Beca sat up in surprise.
"They actually managed to put him away?"
"Indeed. I was surprised also, but they took both attacks into consideration, and once the trial for his conviction began, other women came forward to testify. They'd been called in based on victim statements they'd filed in the past. Mine was the most severe though, apparently. Because of Leander, they charged him with attempted murder against me and a full murder charge for him. It was a good judge, that day."
Beca frowned briefly. "Leander?" She questioned. Sabine merely nodded.
"My son's name. I had him christened in the hospital not long after he was delivered, and I chose a name with strength in the hope that it would help him to fight."
Beca made a small noise of recognition and then was silent for a short while. But then something else occurred to her. "What about Pieter?"
Sabine's head rose suddenly and her eyes flashed open. "What do you mean?"
Beca was slowly putting things together in her head and she said to Sabine- "Why did he and the rest of DSM do a memorial video for you and Leander?" There was silence as the blonde stared hard at Beca. "Why does Pieter think you're dead?" She asked in a whisper.
After a moment, Sabine sighed and rubbed her face with her hands. Resting her forehead in them so she could speak, she explained slowly. "Pieter was beside himself after everything with Leander. There was no hiding the attack from him, he was listed as my next of kin so the hospital contacted him immediately. I've never seen that look in Pieter's eyes before and I never wish to see it again, not because of me. So...I didn't tell him about the court case. He found out after seeing the result on the news. When I was discharged from hospital I'd run away, I couldn't face any more, certainly not going back to my old life as though nothing had happened. And I couldn't face Pieter, couldn't bear to see any more pain in his eyes. He'd been sending messages to my phone, but I left them unanswered. And one day he simply sent one saying "I'll miss you forever Sabie, I wish I could have saved you. One day, Andrei will pay for you and Leander." It occurred to me then that he assumed the murder charge brought against Andrei meant me, and that's why I was missing. I can't say I fault his logic, and it gave me the chance for a fresh start. After that I didn't have the heart to tell him the truth. After everything I'd already put him through, it was too much to expect to be forgiven this time."
"But what about your family?" Beca asked incredulously. Sabine just shook her head.
"Pieter was my family." No further explanation was forthcoming, so Beca left it alone then. The two had been sitting for what felt like hours now as Sabine told Beca everything. Now only silence remained, and it frightened Sabine. She drew the bed sheet around herself more tightly and sighed deeply. "I'm sorry for burdening you with all of this Beca. But I feel as though I've been living a lie for so long now...I feel at least a little lighter for talking about it at last." She still didn't look at her lover, but she reached out for a hand that willingly folded itself into her palm. "Thank you for listening." She whispered, closing her eyes.
Beca drew Sabine to herself and pulled her down onto the bed, pulling a heavy blanket over the two of them and wrapping herself tightly around the blonde. She tucked the golden head under her chin and Sabine lay her ear over Beca's heart, listening for the steady, strong thud she craved.
"You did the right thing telling me." Beca said quietly. "And...and I want you to know that I'll always be here for you. You don't have to worry about anything. I think you're afraid I'll think badly of you for some reason over everything you've told me. But I don't." She stroked the soft waves of hair and hugged the other woman closer. "I think you're incredibly brave. The strongest person I've ever met. And I think..." She paused, gulping a little at what she was about to say next.
"I think I love you."