Tales from the Castle - a Sofia the First fanfic
Chapter 14: The Lesson
Note: this chapter takes place when Sofia and her friends at Royal Prep are children.
Miss Flora's class
It was afternoon at Royal Prep, and Sofia and some of her royal friends were in Miss Flora's class.
"Children" Miss Flora announced. "If you'll take your seats, we'll get class started".
Sofia and the rest of the class took their seats, as Miss Flora started class.
"As all of you know, one of our most important ideals here at Royal Prep is rule over others as you'd have them rule over you" Miss Flora started. "Today, I thought we'd cover one aspect of dealing with people - saying a mean thing and disguising it as a joke".
At that point, the class was all attention.
"Some people like to tease at your expense and then play the innocent victim when you protest" Miss Flora said to the class. "Teasing and snide comments are forms of mishandled anger. Taking pot shots and making fun of someone instead of addressing the issue directly is a form of passive aggressive anger. Their so-called humor, followed by hey, can't you just take a joke?, or I was just teasing, or you are too sensitive, is a tactic designed to put another person in their place or keep them off balance in the name of humor. Instead of taking responsibility for the crude comment, they try to turn the wrongdoing back on you by protesting that what they said is just a joke. They minimize the emotional damage they have done by justifying that you are just unusually sensitive or don't have a sense of humor".
The class realized that what Miss Flora was saying was very serious.
"Saying a mean thing and then excusing it with just joking, what is wrong with you? is known as underhanded sniper behavior" Miss Flora continued. "People who say such mean things are good actors who can pretend to be friends, but get their own need for control met at your expense. Unable to be upfront about their angry feelings, they displace them using misguided humor".
"Jokes are defined as being funny both to the teller and the audience. Otherwise they are just lame attempts to make the insensitive person feel good while you feel bad" Miss Flora added.
Miss Flora stopped for a moment, then continued. "Teasing and joking in a family or relationship should be mutually designed for the fun and comfort of all, and not for the satisfaction of the one who wants to feel good about their ability to put others down. Teasing someone about things they find hurtful is a form of entitlement for the person telling the joke - I get to say something that makes me feel good and I don't care what effect it has on you. This is the defense mechanism of the person telling the joke in order to avoid taking responsibility for one's own hurtful actions".
The class was paying careful attention to what Miss Flora was saying.
"Putting others down and then laughing is immature behavior" Miss Flora continued. "Individuals with low-self-esteem who have high verbal skills, quick thinking, and the willingness to say mean things can get a high when they come up with a joke and the group laughs. They end up using emotional manipulation of others to make themselves feel good".
"I once knew of someone who thought he had a good sense of humor and laughed at his own spiteful jokes while indicating that others should also laugh" Miss Flora started up again. "He would occasionally lower his voice and murmur his negative remarks so that the other person would ask, what did you say?. His murmuring, instead of speaking in a normal voice, gave him the chance to repeat his negative remarks twice! On observing closely, I noticed his comments poked fun at others and never himself. His critical nature wasn't at the abusive level, but across time it eroded other people's self-esteem being the continual brunt of the joke. Although he could be charming, he didn't keep friends very long".
"You don't have to put up with cruel jokes" Miss Flora pointed out. "If you find yourself being the target of too many cruel jokes, ask yourself why you have allowed this form of abuse. It's usually ignorance of what to do about it, non-assertiveness and fear of confrontation or fear of rejection. People who are targeted usually have a hidden belief that they deserve it".
"Perhaps the answer to the can't take a joke accusation is that's not a joke and it's not funny to anyone except someone who is insensitive to others" Miss Flora suggested. "If others who are around stand up and support the person who is being made fun of, the bully will back down. Bullies love an audience and take laughter or silence for approval of what they are doing. Having others call them on their mean behavior is an effective approach to discouraging it".
"Thank you, children, for indulging me while I talked about this important subject" Miss Flora finished.
It had been a short, but important, lesson that gave Sofia and the other students a lot to think about.
Author's note
Help stop cruelty to others in the form of mean teasing by passing the link to this chapter on to family, friends and others who might be interested.