Number 142: To conquer the earth with an army of flying monkeys is not an appropriate career choice.
Hermione groaned and dropped her head on the table with an audible thump. "Harry, you didn't," she pleaded. "Please tell me you didn't." Harry just smirked; trying desperately to look like a certain sexy Slytherin and failing miserably.
Ginny looked between Harry and Hermione in confusion. "What? What did he do?" Seamus and Dean snickered into their breakfast.
Hermione looked up and turned the full power of her glare onto Harry's unrepentant and unapologetic form. "He," she hissed, stabbing her finger viciously into Harry's chest, "stepped way out of line." Harry tried, and failed, to look innocent.
"Nonsense," he replied, calmly taking a sip of his tea. "I merely don't wish to have to fight Voldemort every year, and thought I would send out a letter with a few pointers in it to speed along his demise."
Ginny nodded at Harry, eyeing Hermione warily. "I'm with you so far."
Fluffy hair whipped around as Hermione brought her head off the table. "Oh no," she responded shrilly. "That would have been all well and good had he bothered to take it seriously. Instead, he turned it into a joke and nothing was accomplished except adding fuel to Voldemort's rage!"
Ron blinked at his friends from across the table, unable to speak due to the vast quantity of food in his mouth. "Huh?"
Harry sighed, settling down his tea. "In the Muggle world there is a delightful movie that runs parallels to my life."
"Star Wars?" Colin Creevey piped up hopefully. Dean choked on his bacon.
Harry looked thoughtful but shook his head. "Nope, but that's a good one. The movie I'm referring to is The Wizard of Oz."
Seamus blinked, Dennis Creevey giggled, and the purebloods looked horribly confused. Harry sighed again, rolling his eyes for emphasis. "See, Dorothy gets trapped in a storm and taken from her home to this new place called OZ. Unlike her home, OZ is in color and wonderful and magical. Dorothy kills one of the wicked witches when she's new to the world and innocent." Harry pulled back his fringe and pointed to his scar. "Then the other wicked witch, the first baddies sister, tries to kill Dorothy. Little Dorothy has to kill or be killed, and her friends help her along the way." He picked up his tea again, heaving one of the melodramatic sighs he had mastered during his Emo stage, and delicately took a sip.
Ginny looked slightly unimpressed. "And you feel this runs parallel to your life?"
"Yep," Harry took another sip of tea. "I came from a black and white existence with the Dursley's to the colorful world of hope and promise of Hogwarts. Thanks to Mum I managed to toss Voldemort out of his body when I was young and innocent, once he came back he's been attacking me ever since; much like the Wicked Witch tormented Dorothy during her quest." Ginny and Neville nodded, enthralled. "You got Dumbledore, who, much like the Wizard of Oz, is intent upon controlling my life, and the loyal friends I meet along the way who help me evade Voldemort without dying." Even Parvati looked suitably impressed with this synopsis.
"Cor, mate," Ron breathed, staring at his friend wide eyed. "It is like you. Well," he blushed, "except your name is Harry not Dorothy, and you're not a girl."
"POTTER!" The Gryffindor table looked over as one to see a red faced Draco Malfoy stomping towards them clutching a wrinkled bit of parchment. "Do you have any idea what THIS is?" He thrust the paper in Harry's face.
"It's a bit of parchment," Neville volunteered helpfully; shrinking under the weight of Draco's wrathful gaze.
"Erm… Potter?" Heads swiveled yet again as Vincent Crabbe and Gregory Goyle stepped over to the Gryffindor table. Lavender Brown led out an undignified squeak and rushed down to the other end of the table. "Well, see, Da wrote us this morning about your letter. You know, the one you sent him?" Harry nodded encouragingly. "Right," Goyle nodded. "Well, see, he thinks you're a little confused. He doesn't own any flying monkeys."
"Ah," Harry said understandingly. "I see where the confusion came from. Please let your Da know that I wasn't accusing him of owning a flying monkey, I was accusing him of being a flying monkey for Voldemort."
"Oh." Goyle and Crabbe nodded once to each other. "Well, thanks for clearing that up. We'll go write him and let him know." Draco groaned; reaching up to massage his temples as his minions wandered away.
"What just happened here?" Ginny looked horrendously confused and on the verge of laughter.
"Harry," Hermione sighed, "sent Voldemort a letter explaining to him that trying to conquer the world with an army of flying monkeys is not an appropriate career choice. Then," her voice rose to an angry shriek, "then he charmed the parchment to spray out a blast of water while the sound of a woman shrieking 'I'm melting, I'm melting, curse you!' plays in the background." Seamus and Dean stared at Hermione for five solid seconds before howling with laughter.
"I thought that was rather clever," Harry grinned. "Took me forever to charm the damn parchment."
"And why, Potter," Draco said tiredly, sinking into the seat next to him at the table. "Why did you charm the parchment for my father as well?" The Creevey brothers instantly slapped a hand over their mouths to repress their snickers. They had met Lucius Malfoy in Diagon Alley once. It had been… memorable.
Reaching up to rub soothing circles on the blonds' back, Harry kept his voice low and non-threatening. "Well, see, I was sending the letters to Voldemort and all his little sycophants and got confused when I realized I didn't know who all his lame braided lackeys were. So I rubbed the parchment against my scar and told the owls to deliver the parchments to anyone they felt had residual dark magic on them." He paused, thoughtful. "In hindsight, it was an awful lot of owls who left.' He shook his head, ignoring Neville's quiet chuckle. "Since I didn't know who all was getting letters, I charmed all the parchments to blast out a shot of water and shriek." He patted Draco's head. "They all had two messages in them. The first for Voldemort, then a second message that appeared accusing his Death Eaters of being nothing more than glorified flying monkeys." He grinned at Draco. "So you see? It wasn't a personal insult against your father. I just wanted to make sure Voldemort wasn't left out."
Hermione snorted. "He very thoughtfully included a copy of the DVD with each letter."
"Blimey Harry," Dean looked shocked. "That had to be expensive and time consuming."
Harry shrugged. "Not really. You buy blank DVD's in bulk and charm the original to copy over. Took a day to learn the spell and two days to learn the other spell and send out the results."
Draco continued to rub at his temples. "Father was less than pleased." He tossed his letter in Harry's general direction. "I am supposed to make your life miserable to make up for the tremendous insult you have bestowed upon my family."
"Really?" Harry looked pleased, idly examining the letter. He idly began massaging Draco's shoulders. "Well, you've done a bang up job at that for the last six years or so. Just have a bit of tea," he pushed his cup in front of the Slytherin. Draco picked it up and took a sip automatically. "And after your tea, well, just write him back that you made me cry or something."
"I have made your life miserable, haven't I?" Draco looked imminently cheered by this knowledge. Standing up, he calmly took Harry's cup of tea and dumped it in the Gryffindor's lap. Harry shouted angrily, shooting to his feet and lifting his shirt to reveal already reddened flesh on his stomach. Draco eyed him impassively. "And now I can tell father I redeemed his honor. Pity there weren't any tears. Next time Potter, don't get confused." With that he turned and stalked away from the table.
Ron blinked, looking between Draco's departing back, to Harry's grinning face, to where Harry had been sitting rubbing Draco's back. He turned to Hermione, asking almost pleadingly, "What just happened here?"
"Harry wasn't able to reach the Emerald City," Seamus called out cheerfully.
"No horse of a different color for him," Dennis snickered.
Dean eyed Ron speculatively. "Would that make you the Cowardly Lion?"
"Maybe Todo," Colin offered cheekily.
"Hermione would definitely be the Wizard of Oz," Dennis added; eyeing Hermione reverently. Hermione preened.
"No," Harry sighed, watching a dripping Snape stalk towards the Gryffindor table. "Somehow I don't think even Hermione can save me by hitting me over the head while I chant, "There's no place like home. There's no place like home. There's…" He trailed off, hitting the floor with a thump, as Hermione whacked him over the head with her golden plate.
Snape stood next to Harry's prone form before turning to Hermione. She smiled sweetly at the professor. "He obviously didn't think his plan through." She glared at her best friend. "Perhaps next time he'll run his ideas by me first, or learn to cover them up better."
"Five points to Gryffindor." Snape nodded curtly and departed.