Number 13: Starting a betting pool on the fate of this year's Defense Against the Dark Arts teacher is tasteless and tacky, not a clever money-making concept.

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"Well, first year he was possessed by Voldemort."

Katie Bell shook her head. "Nope, sorry Harry but that's not good enough. Even before we knew he was possessed, Oliver and I spent a great deal of time bitching about how completely inept he was. Besides, Voldemort is supposed to be one of the greatest freaky people of all time, and if that was the best he could do…" she shrugged.

"Who?" Colin asked, leaning closer to hear over the commotion of the Great Hall.

"Professor Quirrell," Harry answered distractedly, taking a sip of his tea. "Well, that doesn't really matter, I guess. So the man was an idiot. That in no way dictates intentional possession."

"Point," Katie conceded, stuffing the last bite of her toast in her mouth. She stood up from the table, tossing down two Knuts as she gathered up her bag. "I still say student inflicted head trauma."

Dennis Creevey nodded as he wrote her prediction down into a Muggle notebook. "Got it."

"But how would he get student inflicted head trauma?" Seamus asked curiously.

Katie gave him a disparaging look as she tossed her hair over her shoulder. "Woe to the stupid people who underestimate athletically inclined girls." She winked, waving cheerfully as she walked out of the hall.

Dean looked impressed as he watched her retreating form. "I think we've been overlooking Katie all these years."

"What happened second year, again?" Lavender asked thoughtfully.

Ron spoke up proudly. "Tried to use my wand and it backfired on him. Obliviated himself, then I knocked him out with a rock."

"And third year dear Mr. Lupin had that furry problem that got him in trouble." Luna sighed in remembrance.

"Well, to be fair,' Neville spoke up, "he did forget to take his Wolfsbane and nearly killed Harry, Ron, Hermione, and Snape."

Luna waved her hand dismissively. "Details."

"And fourth year there was the escaped murderer from Azkaban, right?" Parvati appeared to be taking notes.

Harry nodded. "Escaped, loyal to Voldemort, killed his father, and managed to Polyjuice into Mad Eye." Harry shrugged. "Funny thing is, he would have gotten away with it too if he hadn't tried to kill me and forgotten to take his potion." He waggled his finger at his class mates. "Remember: the Devil's in the details."

Seamus shook his head. "You would think fathers would learn not to torment their children! I mean, seriously, Inego Montoya avenged his father, good old Darth Vader had his comeuppance, and in ancient mythology Cronus hacked off his fathers bits for having him locked up." He paused, a horrified look gracing his face. "Harry… you don't think you're the secret love child of Lily and Voldemort, do you?"

"Spitting image of my father, mate."

Lavender started laughing. "You look far too relieved Seamus. Put a hold on your imagination!" She looked around the table. "Where were we?"

Ginny made a disgusted face. "And last year there was Umbridge-the-Toad-Faced-bitch."

Parvati bit her lip. "And she… I forget."

Neville grinned. "Hermione tricked her into the Forbidden Forest while we distracted the Inquisitorial Squad, and she was carted off by the Centaurs." He sighed happily. "I've always liked Centaurs."

Hermione entered the Great Hall just then, flanked, as per usual, by Crabbe and Goyle. They scanned the area around her seat, clenched their muscles intimidating, and finally allowed her to sit. Hermione patted them fondly before shooing them over to the Slytherin table. She smiled brightly at her friends. "Morning!"

Ginny eyed the retreating bodyguards. "Don't you think you're letting them get just a bit out of control?"

"Nonsense." Hermione casually buttered a slice of toast. "They're just preventing me from being stabbed in the back by corrupt figures in the political hierarchy."

Colin blinked. "Hermione, you know I'm your biggest fan and all, but don't you think you're getting just a bit paranoid?"

"Paranoia is keeping me alive."

Luna casually reached over and dipped her croissant in Harry's tea. "Perhaps protection has nothing to do with it anymore. It's common knowledge that protectees end up falling for their protectors."

"Whitney Houston did fall for Kevin Costner in The Bodyguard," Lavender gave Hermione a wide eyed look of shock.

"Please tell me you are not involved in a love triangle with Thing 1 and Thing 2."

Hermione gave Ginny a reproachful look. "Of course I'm not!" Seamus sagged with relief. "And they're really not that bad," she continued, much to everyone's horror. "Crabbe has a wicked sense of humor, and Goyle is very creative in the ways that he hurts people. They're diamonds in the rough, if you will."

Dennis closed his eyes. "Someone, quick, change the subject to something less traumatic. Like the Taliban, or famine."

Hannah Abbott walked over to the Gryffindor table just then and smiled cheerfully at the assembled shell shocked students. "Hiya! Just talked to Katie and agreed on a plan of action… err, I mean, I agree with her bet." She tossed two Knuts down on the table and smiled again. "Put me down for student inflicted head trauma as well."

"Got it!" Dennis sagged with relief over the topic change as he added her bet to the books.

"Blood thirsty and enthusiastic," Seamus nodded approvingly as he watched the Hufflepuff walk away.

"What is she talking about?" Hermione asked suspiciously.

Justin Finch-Fletchy smiled nervously at Harry as he approached the table. He tentatively placed a sickle down on the table. "I say he falls asleep and wakes up dead one day." He shrugged, backing away slowly. "Happened to Binns."

"Are you…"

Romilda Vane slapped a Galleon onto the table. "I say he chokes on a bag of doctored chocolates." She smiled at Harry, her cloak crinkling ominously.

Su Li rushed over and tossed down five Knuts. "I say he gets put under the Imperius curse and tries to kill Harry, but gets thwarted and winds up in St. Mungo's."

Ginny nodded approvingly. "Mentioning a diabolical scheme to kill Harry. Always a safe bet." Su smiled proudly.

"Wait a minute," Hermione held up her hand commandingly, frowning. "Are you seriously betting on the fate…"

"Let me see if I have this straight," Parvati interrupted. She consulted her notes. "In the last five years, two teachers have actively tried to kill you, and three have tried to hurt you. The ones that tried to kill you wound up dead and kissed by a Dementor, so basically dead. The ones who merely tried to hurt you wound up obliviated, a trusted friend, and continues to be employed by the ministry?"

Harry thought about it for a minute, opening his mouth automatically as Luna shoved a Greek olive under his nose. "Yep, that's about right."

"Now wait just a damn minute…"

"Right," Parvati nodded to herself before reaching into her bag and pulling out three sickles and a Knut. "He reviews your track record, decides to do absolutely nothing, and spends the rest of his life in a small religious cult in Mozambique."

Harry sighed wistfully. "That'll be the day."

Hermione stood up, slapping her hands on the table to get everyone's attention. "Making money by attempting to determine the fate of this years Defense Against The Dark Arts instructor is tacky and tasteless!"

"No it's not," Dean argued. "It's an easy way to make some quick cash and, umm..."

"Promote school unity," Neville piped in helpfully.

"How can you possibly justify this behavior?"

Ron eyed the sausage sitting on his plate contemplatively. "Aren't there more interesting things we could be talking about?"

Harry followed Ron's gaze and grinned. He slapped a galleon of his own down onto the table. "I bet Draco and his Slytherins get tired of the teachers ineptitude and take him out in a way no one can trace back to them since they will have iron clad alibis!"

Ginny narrowed her eyes. "All right little Miss High And Mighty, what's this years teacher's name?"

"It's Professor, umm, professor… well, that's not the point!"

"Of course it's not." Ginny smiled smugly. "You can't remember his name, but you want to defend his honor?"

"Fine." Hermione smiled sweetly as she reached into her bag and withdrew a galleon. "I bet he decides to write a tell all book on his experience working in such a morally bankrupt location. That way everyone will know his name!" She stood up in a huff. "And I will help him research it!"

Dean watched Crabbe and Goyle put down their utensils and follow her out of the Great Hall. "Hate to say it, mate, but you may have to fight for your girlie after all." Seamus sighed, got up, and trudged dispiritedly out of the room.