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Number 60: I am no longer allowed to use the words "Pimp Cane" in front of Draco Malfoy

- with reference to Number 44: I will not owl copies of the Evil Overlord List to suspected Death Eaters – Couldn't do it completely, because Harry already bonded with the suspected Death Eaters when he mailed off his Wizard of Oz themed letters, yes? But, I read the list and cackled maniacally, so I had to somehow include it…

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"Err…." Harry looked less than impressed. "I do not doubt you Hermione, I swear. Because I love you. And…fear you, just a bit. But why again do we need to chain ourselves together in front of the school?"

Hermione sighed, handing her clipboard to Crabbe and directing Goyle to pass around the handcuffs before turning back to her friend. "Harry," she began patiently, a slightly fanatical gleam in her eye. "Seamus is right! We need to get more aggressive! You're working on the peace treaty with Voldemort, yes?" Harry nodded warily. "Well, if we crack the whip in this direction as well, then Dumbledore won't know who to pay attention to more! Then, once his attention is divided, we can sneak around him and break his nose."

Dean gave Hermione a slightly startled look. "That wasn't quite the analogy I used…"

Lavender turned and smacked Seamus. "You just had to teach her how to crack a whip, didn't you?"

"Oh yes." Seamus' voice was decidedly breathless. "Yes, I did."

"You gave her a whip?" Neville looked torn between fascination and shock. "I don't really think that's the best idea."

Hermione shrugged dismissively. "Well, I gave it to Draco to borrow for awhile. He said it would help with his negotiations."

Green eyes glazed over slightly. "You gave the whip to Draco?" The Gryffindors scoffed. Harry ignored his friends. "OK, honey, I'll pretend to understand if that's what it takes to keep you happy." Hermione beamed.

Parvati rolled her eyes. "Well I won't." She raised her eyebrows at her friend. "How, exactly, is chaining ourselves to the school going to be productive?"

Lavender wrinkled her nose. "And must we wear that hideous orange jumpsuit?"

Hermione shrugged. "Well, it worked for Amnesty International. But," she conceded thoughtfully, "it would appear less staged it everyone wore what they wanted to wear. Ok, no jumpsuits." Lavender cheered, tossing the ugly orange thing into the air and lighting it on fire.

"Hey Luna?" Everyone turned to see Ginny looking over to the left with a decidedly odd expression on her face. "What are you doing?"

Luna looked up from her booth where she, Pansy, and Daphne were stationed. "Hi guys," she waved happily. Each girl was collecting money as they passed out bundles of pastries and sheets of paper. The booth itself was decorated with a moving picture of the Dark Mark, and sign advertising 'COME TO THE DARK SIDE – WE HAVE COOKIES! Donations required.'

"Come to the dark side," Ron repeated with wide eyes. "Uh, Luna, you're not a Death Eater."

Daphne sighed. "You don't have to be a Death Eater to develop an appreciation for everything not happy and light. Not everyone is born to be one bug fucking ray of sunshine."

"Besides," Luna added brightly. "Delegations from the ministry are going to be at the protest this morning and we want them to feel welcome."

Dean looked at the sign. "Shouldn't it say that donations are welcome?"

"No." Pansy glared at the Hufflepuff in front of her until he shoved the sickle back in his pocket and pulled out a Galleon to donate instead. She smirked as he ran off before turning back to the Gryffindors. "No benefactor will take you seriously if you can't put your money where your mouth is. And with a big movement like this, you need money."

Hermione nodded thoughtfully. "I like the way you think."

Seamus gave Hermione an adoring look. "I love the smell of corruption in the morning."

"I like your idea of handcuffing," Luna happily continued passing out cookies and papers. "But I don't need to borrow yours. Mine have purple feathers on them, which are just so much friendlier, so I'll just use them."

Neville blinked. "You have your own handcuffs?"

Ginny picked up one of the papers and made a strangled sort of noise in the back of her throat. "And what is this?"

Daphne glanced over. "Oh that was Harry's idea."

Ron read over Ginny's shoulder. "One of my advisors will be an average five-year-old child. Any flaws in my plan that he is able to spot will be corrected before implementation." He paused confused. "Harry, what is this?"

Lavender plucked the list from Ginny's hand and skimmed it. "I will hire a talented fashion designer to create original uniforms for my Legions of Terror, as opposed to some cheap knock-offs that make them look like Nazi storm troopers, Roman foot soldiers, or savage Mongol hordes. All were eventually defeated and I want my troops to have a more positive mind-set." She shrugged, looking thoughtful. "That's actually a good idea. I mean, Death Eater robes and masks are soooo ugly and uncomfortable looking. What self respecting woman would want to kill people while decked out like that?"

Neville coughed something that sounded suspiciously like "Bellatrix" before grabbing his own copy. "I will maintain a realistic assessment of my strengths and weaknesses. Even though this takes some of the fun out of the job, at least I will never utter the line "No, this cannot be! I AM INVINCIBLE!!" (After that, death is usually instantaneous.)" He looked up. "Harry?"

Harry looked sheepish. "Well, see, I was in… the library…studying…with Draco, and he got mad because I was talking about his father's pimp cane."

Pansy burst out laughing. "You called Lucius Malfoy's staff a 'pimp cane?'"

"Well, it is," Harry said defensively. "I mean, seriously, have you seen the way he swaggers when he carries it? And the way he caresses it while talking?" He shuddered. "You can't get more 'pimp cane' than that."

"Potter," a dark voice drawled behind him. Harry winced, turning with a sheepish expression to look at the irate blond walking towards him. "What did I tell you about uttering the words 'pimp cane' in correlation with my father?"

"He wasn't trying to be insulting," Luna interrupted, thrusting a cookie into Draco's mouth. "He was simply explaining the origins of his Evil Overlord List."

"Evil Overlord List," Dean repeated incredulously. He started laughing. "This is how you plan to defeat Voldemort? By telling him all the things he did wrong?" Harry flushed. Dean laughed harder. "If I learn that a callow youth has begun a quest to destroy me, I will slay him while he is still a callow youth instead of waiting for him to mature." He passed the list to Hermione. "Well, we all know how that one turned out, don't we?"

Parvati giggled helplessly. "I will not use any plan in which the final step is horribly complicated, e.g. "Align the 12 Stones of Power on the sacred altar then activate the medallion at the moment of total eclipse." Instead it will be more along the lines of "Push the button."

Ron looked confused. "How did you get from Malfoy's pimp cane to this?"

Draco growled. "It is not a pimp cane! It is a representation of his power!"

Even Daphne gave him an odd look for that. Dean looked like he was choking. "Pimp canes are traditionally used to beat women when they don't bring home enough money from sex. No wonder Draco was insulted, Harry. You basically said that Lucius pimps his wife out for sex!"

"No," Neville shook his head contemplatively. "Narcissa's too hot to be used like that." He flushed at the incredulous looks. "Well, she is."

Terry Boot, wandering over to the table, happened to overhear that last statements. "Well," he thoughtfully munched on a biscuit. "That would explain how the Malfoy family always seems to keep their wealth and social standing no matter what."

Draco whipped out his wand and pointed it at the Ravenclaw. "Liften Separatis Crotchum." Terry blanched, made a gurgling noise, and staggered away towards the school.

"Now that was just a bit unnecessary," Hermione remarked critically.

"You want to repeat that?" Draco gave her a dangerous look.

Hermione arched an eyebrow. "You want to give me my whip back?" Draco backed down. Hermione looked smug. "Thought so." She clapped her hands together, raising her voice to attract the attention of the masses. "Places everyone!"

Dean and Seamus both took a copy of the list with them, spelling it to remain on the ground before them as they snapped their handcuffs into place and joined the ever growing human slinky. "I will not employ devious schemes that involve the hero's party getting into my inner sanctum before the trap is sprung."

Draco sulked. "Thanks Potter. Now everyone things my father is a whore."

Harry patted Draco's arm comfortingly. "Well, he is just a bit feminine; carrying around that pimp ca… staff. Carrying around that staff, and all." Draco glowered at the ground, muttering obscenities under his breath. "But up until I was fifteen I feared him as a devious representation of pure evil."

Draco brightened noticeably. "Really?"

"Really."

Hermione stood up and address the gathered students, her stance confident as flashbulbs went off from the media. "The educational system at Hogwarts is antiquated and weak. The standards are not up to par with such notable schools as Beaubaxtons and Durmstrang. In both of those schools, ghosts are prohibited from teaching, and standardized testing is conducted to ensure proper growth and development is taking place. Hogwarts needs to change with the times or fall to the underlings! We shall not rest until all students are granted the education they deserve!" Dramatically, she stepped into place in line, snapping the handcuffs around her wrists and tossing her head back proudly.

Dean eyed her thoughtfully. "I think we should chip in and get Hermione a pimp cane for Christmas."

Seamus drooled slightly. "If she's half as good with the cane as she is with the whip…"

Susan and her Hufflepuffs once again linked arms and began singing. They went through We Shall Overcome, Times They Are A Changin', Dust In The Wind, This Little Light Of Mine, and finally burst into a lively rendition of George Michael's Freedom.

Draco sighed. "Ok. I came, I allowed myself to be handcuffed, I'm done now. How much longer must I remain amongst these infidels?"

Harry sighed. "At least an hour, then we can magic our escape. We're being supportive of Hermione's needs."

"Pansy didn't have to be chained up like an animal." Draco pouted.

"Yes, well, she's manning the booth." Harry looked over to where Pansy was using her wand to magic a money sack out of someone's robe and deposit it in their donation bin. "She has a savvy business sense." He leaned over and kissed Draco's pouting lips. "If you want," he offered, "we can get you a pimp cane…errs, a staff. We can get you a staff for Christmas."

Neville snorted. "Oh yes, I can just see that staff being used in a G-rated format."

Ron looked confused. "What else would you use a staff for? And what's a pimp? Is Draco a pimp?"

"A junior one," Lavender agreed. "He's still in training."

"How did the subject of Lucius' pimp cane even come up in the peace treaty discussion, anyway?" Parvati ignored Draco's furious growl.

"He's the go-between between Voldemort and I," Harry clarified. "Before I can get to the crazy bastard to talk to him, we have to agree on who gets what weapons, minions, and odds in their favor during the discussion. Plus, we have to sign a blood oath that we won't try to kill each other, or send our sycophants to kill the other, until at least an hour after negotiations are concluded."

Dean chuckled again. "And Lucius brought his pimp cane to the meetings with him? Nice."

"Is that where this one came from?" Seamus read off from the list. "I will not set myself up as a god. That perilous position is reserved for my trusted lieutenant."

Harry snorted. "Yes, well, Malfoy's have unusually high opinions of themselves." Draco narrowed his eyes warningly. "With good reason," he hastily amended.

Draco glared at Harry. "One more time, Potter. One more time, and I will be unavoidably detained or too tired for the next month at least!" Harry sighed, shoulders drooping.

Parvati gave Draco an unimpressed look. "No one likes a bossy bottom, you know."

"Is that a Muggle insult?" Ron looked curious.

Dumbledore came out onto the school steps with McGonagall and Flitwick just then. He closed his eyes and sighed when he saw the chained and singing students, and the media personnel conducting interviews with ministry officials, concerned parents, and outraged students. Pansy generously offered them cookies; free of charge. "Oh dear," Minerva took a delicate bite of one of the cookies. "What have the children been up to now?" The headmaster had no chance to reply before the media set upon him like vultures.

From off to the side, Lucius Malfoy appeared. He observed the scene with gleaming eyes, stroking his…staff… lovingly. Dean snickered. Harry quietly stood up and released Draco. "Well, we're off for negotiations," he announced brightly. "Cover us."

"Have fun," Seamus offered dryly.

Neville looked down at the list for a minute and then yelled after Harry. "Remember! If I burst into rebel headquarters and find it deserted except for an odd, blinking device, I will not walk up and investigate; I'll run like hell."

"I still don't get it." Ron looked frustrated. "Bottom of what?"