Disclaimer: I do not own Teen Titans or Tokyo Ghoul.
To be weak
The sound of a single drop of water was heard in the room,the darkness had become something normal to me, at times it was soothing and my sole companion, at times the canvas of my scared mind haunting me with ideas of the next season of torture the pains to come, simply unbearable in that pit where light never dared to touch, in my mind at all times I screamed "Someone save me!" and in the end the darkness answered.
-Ask and you will get. Being a while right?
-You… were always here?
-When will ya stop with the stupid questions? 'm a part of ya that has materialized for yer need of company, it obvious 've being here all the time, and since ya didn't wish to see me, ya didn't until now. As your instinct I can tell this whole mess could be arranged easily but ya won't like what comes with it, after all what ties ya here ain't those chains of yours, it's the fucking moral code you follow.
-And who are you to tell anything. I've seen my instincts and I can tell you are not them, if anything you seem like my dark side trigon pulled out of me all those years ago.
-Well won't deny it, ya are half correct after all, but I can tell ya I am your instinct, just not the one yer thinking of.
-As if I'd buy that crap, your my dark side one of the minions of evil, if you think your sweet way of putting it is going o make me join you then you are mistaken, I'm an ally of justice!
-And does that justice of yours, likes to punish the innocent and lets the guilty ones to roam free as long as they pay up? Or just locks them in a low security place where they will run away from easily? The same justice that let's a selected few get so rich and powerful that thousands of lives could be safe with it, while they waste so much it last just enough for ten? Or one that allows child abuse because of an irresponsible guardian? If that is justice the certainly I don't want to have anything to do with it.
-That's a lie! That's no justice and I don't follow it!
-Really then why do you still hold on to the Logan state and all of the money that it holds instead of using it for something that actually helps people, why do you follow the country who has climbed to the top by using the war and the misery of all others to get resources, or put up with the model of live the city imposes, and undoubtedly will make all the resources and slowly kills this planet, from where I stand it looks like you support it whole heartily.
-That's…
-No matter how much you deny it you know it is the truth. And this are your thoughts and yours only, even if you repress them it's always in the back of your mind and it never leaves you, since it's you. Since the thoughts you pour into your dark side overlapped with those of your new born ghoul instinct they unified into a single entity that is who I am, embrace all you left behind only a complete being can scape this prison, you have the strength to do that, but no motive.
-I'm guessing you can't get free if I don't let you. Serves you right.
-I can take over your body any time, 'm just doing this out of survival instinct. A complete existence is the only way to survive in this world, pure instinct won't cut it. Well that's it for today.
-Where are you going? Answer me?
But silence was the only response I had, no strength left, a left over, nameless scum, a former human in a dark room, a body so torn it was hard to tell what shape I had. It did not matter my destiny had been branded to my soul the moment I was born, no point in making excuses, just waiting to the end, it was for the best.
The door opened once more my body stiffened at the sound of the creaking door. The men in trench coat entered grinning madly it was the end of my spare time and the beginning of community service as they call it, but in truth it was they play time and I was their best toy.
-Morning my student. Today's class is anatomy.
The pair of investigators took a pair of chairs and started mentioning names, with each name a new bone of my body was taken out, their voices were not heard by me because of my cries, they took out all of my bones several times, forcing the food down my throat every time they took all of them, the pain was unbearable as always, I did not understand a thing for several hours, and then they stopped all of a sudden and one of them spoke.
-Time for a surprise quiz.
Then they blindfolded me and broke one of my leg bones and asked
-What's this guy's name?
-Fe...femur?
They took out an other and said.
-This is the femur, and this…
Said he as he took out the now regrown bone
-...is a Tibia. That's a wrong answer. What do we have in the punishment list?
His partner took out a bone of my back and spoke aloud.
-Third thoracic vertebrae
The session kept going, with every bone I got wrong the bone I said, the bone they asked about, and a third random bone would be taken out, I tried saying names of other things yet when I did all of my bones were taken out and a kanji was branded with red hot steel into a random part of my body, I tried my best to remember and get the names right, it was no use, for I had no concentration under the pressure.
The names I said at random did little to help me, silence was no option either when I did one of my lungs was pierced by a blunt object they left there for some time, it was impossible to die by that level of damage, but breathing became real painful, then they put a liquid into it and every breath I took was like breathing fire that got in my lung and slowly burned it.
The time began to fade, it no longer held meaning to me, whether I slept when it was night or day, how many hours of torture I was given, it was not important, the voice in my head did not answered for a while, and then when the room was in peace and darkness it came, not the same, yet to me it did not matter as long as I had some "company" in this occasion she came to me.
-Morning, well it's night though. How's your uncle?
-What... are you...talking...about?
-Don't go playing the fool with me, it's tiresome. I'm talking about good old Galtry, your uncle, your guardian, your...TORTURER.
-Well in jail. Where else? Smartass!
-Your are such a rude boy, that's not how you treat a lady.
-I see no lady from here, just a monster drooling over my guts.
-But they're such good guts. Well back to the matter. You truly think he is still there?
-Your point?
-He's already escaped once, what stops him from doing it again, not to mention the possibility of taking the Garfield state, since you've been in a dead state, legally. When he get's his hand on that money, I wonder what he'll do?
-It does not matter he can not touch me in here.
-Oh! Dear did I ever said he would hurt you?
-What do you mean?
-To the whole world you've been dead, on paper at least for the last year at least, who knows maybe longer. Did you truly think someone still cares about you? Who knows maybe they didn't care to begin with.
-That's a lie!
-Is it? Name one time when the Titans were worried about you?
-Well when Te..Terra left.(naming the cursed person hurt a lot more than I remembered, just like having the ribs crack near my organs leaving few air to breath).
-If they were worried why didn't they tried to help you bear the pain? Or encourage you to keep going? Or at least show you a little sing that they cared? If I'm not mistaken you even tried to take your life, until you found comfort in our dear friend the razor.
-What are you talking about?( I tried to feign ignorance). There was nothing they could do to help me,…surely…Robin told them to give space t...to...heal, like he did with raven.
-Yes he did say that, it did not stop you from going and knock in her door, or Cyborg, from passing by to make sure things were right. In the end you helped her out of darkness, where was she when you needed the same I wonder?
-Sh...She was busy surely.
-No the whole week you were in darkness, there were no crime alerts, no big criminals to catch, they all left in fear of Slade. I'll tell you where she was, in her room doing her best to block any negative emotions coming from you and convincing herself, you were just fine. If any one had showed they cared even a little, that night wouldn't had happened in the first place.
The space began to shift into my room a certain night, four years ago. It had been a month since Terra's petrification, as always I wore my mask in front of the team all the time, they all thought I was fine, and things had gone back to normal, they weren't though, been the compulsive liar of the team it was not really hard to make them think I was fine, yet in the inside I was dying, more like I wanted to die, it was harder to put the mask each time, to find reasons to smile, pranks to make, reasons to keep on living. The reasons for those ideas are not something I remember, all I know is how hurt I was back then, and the fact I don't want to do something so foolish once again, I did my best to bury those days in the past, yet it came haunting me once again.
I was sitting in a corner of the room, holding an object that shined with the rooms dim light, the object sank in my arm, and I could notice a small smile of pleasure in my fourteen year old self, it was a sad sight but deep down i felt fulfilled with the scene before me, what I felt was not happy on itself, plainly fulfilling, just like saving someone's life, just as if my past self did the right thing. His voice was heard, it was not something I thought mine, yet looking back it seamed so… me.
-It's my fault, it's all my fault, the people I care about, or care about me, they always end up hurt, if I hadn't been born...It would be better if I died, but that would be to easy, I need to be punished and to keep it up for the rest of my life. This is punishment, this is redemption.
The blade sank once again into my wrist, the same expression in the green boy's face, he was losing blood quickly, a vision of my parents appeared before him, they hugged him, and told some words I could not make, my past self smiled, took the razor his hand did not waver, resolution was present in his actions, noticing what he was about to do I attempted to scream, no sound came from my mouth, and in a fluid motion his left wrist was cut, this time too deep, my vision of the past returned to the darkness I was in at the present, the last thing I saw was his limp body lying in the cold floor while lots of blood flowed out of his body while his hair grew really fast.
-Why did I do that? Do I think so lightly of my life? Didn't I thought of the people that would be sad?
-And exactly how are you sure there were people that would cry your death? More likely are there?
-Well the titans and the doom patrol, obviously.
-Are you sure?
-Why wouldn't I? They're my family, my friends, they'd obviously suffer my dead.
-But I'm asking right now, would anyone cry your dead? For the past year none has known if Beast boy is still alive, or Garfield Mark Logan, for the past year you have been Ryusei Shibasaki, a High school student, outgoing, yet superficial, no bond you have created is long lasting, you left the people who cared about you behind, because you were afraid of rejection. Besides the people you say care about you, do they truly care about you? Or do they care about your mask?
The words struck me thinking back whenever I interacted with someone I always kept a part of myself hidden from them, expecting to be accepted, I restrained me, my instinct, the ideas I deemed as evil, my past, everything painful or scary for so long repressed, I began to wonder, just who am I. I'm so chained by my self restrain I'm not sure what is me and what isn't, but I must find out.
-I wonder. Did any of your "friends" care the same way you do for them? I mean aren't they a little cold compered to all you give them.
-Just your imagination, we are like a family and the bonds we share are strong.
-Is that so? Then why did the beast incident hit them so hard?
-Your point?
-Let's start with your best bud Cy. Always by your side, yet leaves you on your own when you go to your holy crusade to make Raven open up to the others. And in the whole beast incident he had little hesitation to hit you with everything, even when Robin was working for Slade all of you went easy on him, and I don't think the same happened with you, such a great buddy along with bird boy he was ready to put you in jail.
-That's a lie! They helped me, they didn't know the truth, they did the right thing.
-Then why did bird boy suggest taking you to jail, after seeing a knocked out raven with no true evidence, that it had been you. Quite the hypocrite, after all he did commit crimes, like steeling, and even attacked you, but when fearless leader does something he is forgiven, instead a little misunderstanding and you end up behind bar, if it hadn't been for the beast…. What would had happened I wonder?
-That wasn't his choice! Slade was going to kill us.
-Then he built the Red X suit under Slade's orders. Right? We both know it wasn't like that, and the fact is Robin did steel some chips and ended up helping Slade, in the end didn't he?
Silence was all I could give as an answer, it was true after all, no one blamed Robin for steeling, lying, or attacking us, but when it came to me, our leader decided I was bad and the rest followed, was I of so little importance? Doubt grew in my heart, still I answered.
-It's not like that they were just doing their jobs, it's not like they could hold back against my beast form, I'm quite a lot more dangerous than an armed human like Robin.
-Did I ever said I was speaking only about what happened after your transformation? I don't think so. I was speaking about how they reacted to your attitude change. I mean raven snapped at you all the time back then, insults were the least of your worries of what she would do to you, and not a single one of your friends cared, all they ever though was "he was looking for trouble and got it, he should now better not to mess with Raven" And the only time you payed her with the same coin and responded rudely before her "kindness" they all turned against you and sided with her.
Can't help to wonder, but exactly what position do you hold in the Titans? Some sort of dog waiting for orders, banned from any possibility of rebellion or the master will deliver punishment. Let's set it straight you were nothing but a pet to them, well is not like all the fault fell at them, since you were the one to start acting like one, out of sheer fear.
-Th...the...'re not like that. (my voice was a mere whisper)
-Well I think they are, even the cheerful and caring Star, to her you were in the less important part of her list of known people, I mean she chose Robin and Raven before you, and since defending you was against those two she closed her mouth and watched you get punished for a crime in existent thanks to your efforts.
And lastly Raven, the forbidden flower who won your heart at first sight, to think you were such a romantic to believe in such stuff, but you never had a place in her heart, you never got to the B list, because you weren't a possibility.
-What d…o...y...ou mean by B list?
-Well, the B list of her possible lovers, she had to make one to forget her big crush on bird boy, so she went to the second choice, while you hid on darkness in complete fright of seen the same thing again.
-A...and...ju...just what am I afraid of?
-It's not like you don't remember, your afraid those you care about will leave if they see your monstrous side, after all you are still hung up upon the fact that Jillian was not able to accept you when she saw all you could do. Or Terra who preferred to pick a villain over you to be her confident, after all this time do you really think she ever cared about you? Those eyes simply scream monster, you are afraid to be considered a monster so you act servile, you want to be respected as human, while you throw away pride and self respect, there's no way anyone will see you as an equal. Well with your new appearance it's given anyone sees you as human. Isn't that the reason behind your petition to Mento about the appearance change?
Raven's voice echoed in my head "You are green, have ears and fangs and you worry about the shirt" doubt grew even more, noticing how much of a lie my whole life, not just during my time as hero, also while I acted all human in Tokyo, not only lying to the people around me, but to myself as well never accepting what I truly am, always in fear of been found out.
Aoki's voice faded and I was left alone, what she said held true, yet not all of it, sure after Jillian it became harder to find possible trusting in others easily, but deep down I knew there was more to it than that, like the idea had been branded into my very existence, the fact I yearned to be human while knowing how impossible it was, there was likely some reason behind it. In the end sleep took me, that night I had a dream about past.
My parents were holding my hands taking me somewhere I could not see, somehow the light intensified while my steps got nearer to an entrance, then light covered everything blinding me, when my eyes were able to see once again, my parents were gone, instead in front of me stood my uncle, his eyes conveyed a lot of anger, then he spoke. "Did I gave permission for doggy to leave his cage?" I couldn't answer then he started beating me, all I was able to do was to curl into a ball, his loud voice ringing in my ears "Your nothing but a freak, you little green shit, you think you got rights? You think you can do whatever you please? NO! You can't you belong to me you won't do anything if I don't command you, your nothing but a green monster I feed out of the goodness of my heart, you are my property do what I say, you don't have the right to decide if you live or die, that's my job understand you are an animal, so wag your tail at your owner and be happy he let's you live!
The dream faded to let me see the light of my door opened and my pair of torturers with their normal smirk waiting for another chance to crush me.
AN: Well guys see you all next week, special thanks to Karlos1234ify for his review.