Disclaimer: I do not own teen titans
-Why is all this happening to me? Where did I turn wrong? Is this punishment? Is it redemption?
This thoughts crept into my mind, filling it like a plague, contradicting one another, making my insecurities grow daily, my fears skyrocket, and my doubts about humanity, both my own and the species, past from being a part of momentary madness to an acceptable cause to blame all of my misfortunes. Above all I couldn't help but to wonder: What am I?
-Ain't it obvious? You are you shithead, that's all you are and will always be. When will you stop trembling for no good reason and simply LOOK AT YOURSELF!
The man with glasses from before was glaring at me with a look of disgust, looking down on me, he seemed pretty tall, but oh well I was sitting so it was difficult to distinguish distance.
-It's not like I have mirrors hanging around the place, just where the fuck am I supposed to look at myself dumbass?
-So you still don't get it, well it's not like I expected much of you in this weakling state.
-Well, it's hard to judge a person's strength when they're chained up.
-I wasn't talking about such worthless stuff like how much your muscles can carry, or how long you can run before fainting, I'm talking about mental strength. After all even if you have the strongest of bodies, or the more resistant is meaningless if you don't have what takes to use it, or if you fall from a simple insult, a being with such characteristics won't survive, no matter how resistant, the body it serves no purpose without a mind as strong, or stronger.
-And why do I need to be strong? Isn't escaping the only thing I need?
-It's no wonder you're still here. Listen, strength is not a commodity you can simply throw away, whenever you feel like it, nor some sort of price to the hard workers, is need born for survival, humans tend to forget it's true meaning, but you don't have a choice.
-Why should I believe it?
-Because strength is what you have always seek, from that day, you've always been thinking about it, if you only had been strong you could have saved them, if you had understood what they were doing, so many things you could had avoided, only by having it.
-You don't mean…
I didn't finish stating my thoughts when darkness shifted, appearing in the day my whole life changed. I was five back then, thanks to my father running an experimental serum on me I was able to survive sakuita, in exchange my skin turned green, my ears pointy, as well as my fangs, my parents didn't seem to mind though, to me nothing had changed, just a kid living in the middle of the jungle with his parents, that was not the case.
It didn't take much time before I found out the serum did a lot more than just turning me green, the powers were difficult to control, whenever I shifted something that wasn't me tried to took over me, something wild, it wasn't until some months later I found out the burden this powers meant. The day was normal, I ate with my parents, played with them, I was happy and I didn't know it was the last day I'd feel the way I was feeling, laugh like I was laughing, it was the day my parents died.
The moment they parted with me for ever was been replayed in front of me over and over, by the side the moments I spent in my uncles care, when Jillian left, when Terra turned to stone, when I thought Raven was gone forever in the end of the world, when I saw her go away to the arms of another, forever out of reach, they were the moments in which I failed, when I was unable to do anything.
-And exactly why couldn't you do anything shithead?
-There was nothing I could have done, it was...meant to be that way.
-I don't think so. You simply were to weak to do anything, not your body, just your mind, because you chose to be that way.
-I didn't do that there was nothing I could have done!
-There were a ton of things you could have done! If you had chosen Terra and trusted her when she needed you most you would had saved her, from her and Slade, if she had seen your trust and love for her you two could have beaten him, but no you were to worried about your friends, you didn't trust them either, you thought they would've lost without you, hell take me you never trusted yourself that is the reason behind your weakness, you're so afraid of yourself to do anything!
-Lies! I'm a hero I'm strong enough to protect the innocent!
-Are you? Tell of one time when you actually beat a villain by yourself.
-Well there's punk rocket and Adonis.
-Well you didn't actually beat punk rocket just let him self destroy, as for Adonis yes you actually beat him, and you know why?
-'Cause I'm strong off course.
-Yes, and no. You certainly are strong, but that was not all, for the very first time you unleashed the power you posses instead of simply reprising it and failing. Don't suppress it it's yours a part of you, and as such you must accept it, it's like Starfire once told Redstar "the greater the struggle against your power the more it resists embrace what you have" wasn't it. If you had done that we wouldn't be here.
-How can you be so sure?!
-Everything that made this possible is because you were weak. If you had save your parent's back then you wouldn't be a hero and ended like you are, if you hadn't put up with Galtry you would had found a family to take care of you, if you had told Mento what you felt about his way of treating you, the doom patrol would've become a true family and you wouldn't had known the titans, if you had been strong and supported Terra you could've live happy and forgotten about Raven, if you had been able to speak your feelings for Raven she wouldn't be with fish breath and you would be by her side or somewhere so not here.
-There was nothing to do! My parent's died because I couldn't do anything!
-Damm right! It's your fault, and it's worse because you could've saved them if you turned into a whale to move them shore or something, you could've disobeyed them and stay with them to the end, exactly why do you think you didn't? 'Cause you were afraid of your power and you were afraid of dead. If that's what fear does then get rid of it, all of it.
-I...I'm weak?
-Yes you are, you are weak by choice, and if you can chose weakness then you can also chose to be strong! You have to be strong! If you are then you can make up your past mistakes! Stop dwelling in the past, look forward and live!
His voice grew soft and then it stopped then he disappeared, the tortures continued and some experiment's I'm not sure what they did to me, all I can say is a great restlessness grew in me, my senses were now mixed up, they connived nothing but confusion, it didn't matter much to me, after the visits of my demons, I understood I needed strength to escape and break my chains, I understood that was what my instincts pushed me to do, yet I also understood I had none waiting for me, caring for me, someone who wouldn't forget me like Terra did, there was no meaning to keep on living, no force to keep me on my feet, it was but meaningless.
-So you're just going to let everything end like that? An empty end? Was your life with so little importance to keep it?
-It is of no importance, I've lost everything, most likely never had anything real since my parent's dead, why would it matter.
-Because it matters to you, isn't that enough?
-Of course it's not, I have no one to lean on, not a single person to share my life with. Just how am I supposed to carry on?
-If it is like that why don't you look for someone to share things with? Why don't you make a place where you belong? On second thought, you already have one.
-I have a place to return?
-Well of course or did you forget so easily those days of work?
It was a peaceful afternoon, the sunset rays came through the windows dying the scenery in the orange light, the only costumers were a couple of ghoul mothers drinking a cup of coffee while their children played in the terrace, it was a perfect place for hide and seek, lots of tall plants and some trees placed in the stone floor, the children's laugh filled the store.
While I cleaned the day's cups, the manager made coffee for all of the staff and after finishing our duties we sat in the tables and drank the bitter-sweet beverage, the workers of the coffee shop could all make a good coffee, but the managers was… special, it was strange but if I had to define it I would say it had soul. The manager sited beside me, and we started talking.
-Manager I can not express how grateful I am for what you've done for me, I still can't help but to wonder, why do you help me so much? It's my believe working for you, is not enough to repay what I own, after all you even pay me. Why do you do it?
-Do you know the meaning of this coffee shop's name?
-I'm not really sure.
-Well, is the Icelandic word for hope. Can you guess why?
-Because it's what outcasts like us need most?
-Well, yes but it's not the only thing. Look at those children, they understand perfectly well the world they live in, still they laugh, have fun, and they are not afraid of whatever comes next. Why do you think they're that way?
-Because they haven't seen enough horrible things to truly understand what happens in this world.
-No, many of them only have they're mothers left, some even saw how an investigator killed one of their parent's, but they still hope and have fun, because they have a place to return, a place to call home, someone to care for, a reason to keep living with all they got.
-So...what does that have to do with the shop?
-What I want to build is a place like that for all those who have lost so much the can no longer find a reason to struggle for they're lives, I want to make this place where every one can feel they have a place to return, where all of the customers can act like a family to each other, and lean to others in times of need, you help me to make such place possible, I believe it's more than enough.
I couldn't help a smile, when remembering that day, now it seem so far, just as if it had been but a pleasant dream, I did not believe it though, all was to perfect, like tailor made, if this days had taught me something was to be in an eternal disbelieve.
-You have a place to return, go back to it and find, it's yours to take.
-How do I even know Kurosaki told the truth? He could've been lying all along to make join some wired cult where all those monsters gather, why would I ever fit in there?
-It saddens me how little trust you have for people, just why do you have to remain on guard all the time?
-WHY WOULDN'T I?! All my life I trusted all along, and everyone rejects me! They mock me! Think less of me for my looks! Just why would I trust humans?! They ruined my life!
-And why does that make you unable to trust a ghoul? They aren't human, and for the most part they have been rejected by humans as much as you, even more, after all even if no one cared about you, your safety was by far better than theirs. When a ghoul is born, his survival is uncertain, there are many ghouls who raise they're children, life is so harsh they abandon them normally or even eat them, even if their parent's take care of them, there's no guarantee they'll remain alive long enough for the young ones to be able to stand up on their own. So stop being all depress over nothing and look ahead! What are you waiting? You want someone to comfort you and say poor boy, oh! Poor boy how you've suffered, or something? Wake up, your no longer a child, be an adult and face what life has given you.
-Well, life is a bitch and has given me a pile of crap! Jus what am I supposed to look forward to?!
-Were your parents a load of shit? Were the moments you felt at ease with the doom patrol just a lie? Were all the games you and Cyborg invented just a way to mask everything?
-No they weren't!
-Then what were they?
-The best moments of my life, but they were all based in a lie!
-I know, so what? It's the human way, they are a most volatile existence, for them contradicting their words with actions is a common practice, in one second they betray their best friend for a pice of paper with monetary value, they are that way and so are you, even in contradicting feelings can coexist with in them.
-And what about ghouls you're telling me they're different?
-I never said that, they are capable of the same things humans do, but they're also instinct driven so most of the time they show how they truly feel about one another, they don't have what you would call moral, so they just say what they think, no hard feelings.
-So you expect to convince me with that?
-No, all I'm trying is to show you, humans you included tend to have many sides to them, and you must learn to coexist with all of it at once, you must accept everything you are, even if you are scared of it, even if you think is bad, you can't find all of the answers in on part of yourself, you tried to do that and look where you ended, all I wish is no matter what don't forget kindness, and above all that you care at least a little about others, for not caring at all is the same as not knowing love.
Once again left alone, nothing but my thoughts, the CCG men continued coming to my cell, as time went by my focus on them grew distant, no longer carrying for what they did to my, only sitting and thinking about all the things that were said to me. The torture still hurt lots, but I was able to holding it in by imagining what sort of torment I could make the pair of men undergo, I began to find a wired pleasure in the pain inflicted on me.