Author's Note:

As Jade Sabre astutely observed, this story's kinda like the love child of one of my more ridiculous works but has a much more serious subject matter. And it kinda gets a lot more complicated later on. That being said, please don't hate me for that :) Enjoy! And feel free to review :)

Chapter Two: How to Catch a Ranger 101

Raelis' second night sleeping alone was significantly worse than the first night.

The first night had been sleepless, true, but she used the time to convince herself that she was in a perfect position to take care of a baby by herself; after all, she had an entire keep full of prospective babysitters, none of whom would teach her baby to become a bounty hunter (barring the slightly shady arms dealer, but she doubted she would ever need to use him as a babysitter to begin with; if she did, it probably meant the rest of the keep had been burned down by the dragons Deekin was certain were coming (she also made a mental note that Deekin would never be an acceptable babysitter, no matter how good his intentions were)). And even if Bishop never came back, between Bishop's genes and Daeghun's presence her baby still had a better-than-average chance of being a good ranger. In fact, that first night she had managed to convince herself that it was better for everyone involved that Bishop had left.

The second night she had spent bawling while Ammon Jerro, of all people, rubbed her hair. It reminded the half-sun-elf of the fact that, at one point, the warlock had been married with children. But by the time she woke up he was gone, and she knew better than to go thank him.

She eventually got up, got dressed, performed her ritualistic prayers, and went to go about her captainly duties. As a priestess of the Morninglord, being alert and functional at dawn was an absolute must, but it was days like this she lamented that her prayers had to be done at daybreak. Even worse, she had never acquired a taste for coffee.

"Good morning Captain!" Kana greeted her solemnly, bowing as she did every morning. "Our Graycloaks have returned victorious from routing the bandit troupe, and Master Veedle has completed the temple, as you commanded. However, Lady Katriona has reported to me that there is a disturbance in the courtyard that might require your attention."

Raelis nodded her assent to go find out, not able to talk around her yawn. Her sleep had been restful thanks to Ammon's comfort, but she hadn't gotten enough of it to really make her feel rejuvenated. As such, when she entered the courtyard she was pretty sure she was dreaming.

A gigantic metal cage was hanging in the center of the courtyard, drawing the attention of most of her Graycloaks. The rest of them were watching Grobnar as he danced around in joy. Elanee viewed the cage with a look of satisfaction. It all struck Raelis as some kind of old, obscure ritual, and that all they needed now was a human sacrifice.

Grobnar bounded over to her. "Oh, Miss Raelis, I am so very, very glad you've finally woken up and I can show you what I made! We'll get Sir Bishop back in no time, don't you worry!" The gnome grabbed her hand and dragged her to the gigantic metal cage. "Miss Elanee has even helped with the specifics!"

"Oh Grobnar," Raelis said fondly, rubbing the gnome's head after they had stopped walking. "I can't believe you found out just yesterday about Bishop and you already made… this… … thing. So what in Lathander's name is it?"

Grobnar only looked too proud to explain. "It's simple, really! First I gathered together some chain links from some traveling Night Masks…"

"Pickles… pickles… pickles…" Casavir muttered, scanning the shelves for some. This was the fourth store he'd visited. It wasn't going well.

"… then I welded together the sides of the cube using the breath of a wyvern that I've been raising in secret – I named him Fluffenstuffs, then… … … …"

Bishop had waited until the other ranger had fallen asleep before running away from "their" campsite. He had debated leaving Karnwyr behind, but in the end the wolf was trailing behind him as the two left the camp.

An hour into their retreat, Bishop relaxed against a tree, sliding down it. Karnwyr moved between his legs, placing his head underneath Bishop's hand.

"What makes you think I'm going to scratch your ears, mutt? You'll have to actually provide a lookout if you want ear rubs."

Karnwyr pressed his left ear into Bishop's hand. Deadbeat Master will have to give ear rubs if he wants lookout.

"It's not going to work that way, pup. Quit calling me 'deadbeat.'"

When Master leaves pupped mate, then master deadbeat.

Bishop's omnipresent scowl deepened as he finally took the time to think about it all.

He was going to be a father. It was something that he had never before considered happening, as the only women he'd ever been with were, at least, quite skilled in making sure such a thing never happened. How could contraceptives have slipped his mind?

Maybe… maybe you wanted them to slip your mind.

Bishop's entire body shuddered in response to that. "I don't want kids!" he said aloud. "Hells, I don't even like kids. I never wanted kids, not even with her! I can't be a father." He started rubbing Karnwyr's ears distractedly.

Master raised me, yes?

"Hells, I don't even like you half the time."

Deadbeat.

"Like right now."

Deadbeat jerk.

" and then I connected the hinges using the entrails of one of Mr. Jerro's demons... … …"

Raelis vaguely wondered how she hadn't fallen asleep yet. Or maybe she had?

Casavir triumphantly held up a jar of pickles. And then he noticed the fact that there were at least six different types of pickles. And he scowled.

"… so the wire was the hardest part because I had to steal it from the druids in the mere, which I can assure you was no easy task! … … …"

Bishop was about to retort when an arrow scraped the top of his head, hitting the tree.

Daeghun was sitting perched in a nearby tree, another arrow aimed at him. "I was wondering when you would notice I was here. I got impatient."

He's bluffing! He has to be! Run! Run!

Bishop took off into the forest.

Daeghun gave a great sigh and placed the arrow back in his quiver. He calmly got out of the tree and started walking.

"and after that Miss Elanee set the bait, and so now you have this wonderful ranger trap, which I've decided to call the Betrayer Traitor Ranger Danger 3000!"

Raelis rubbed her eyes to try to wake herself back up. "Um…" She looked at the trap a little closer. "Is the bait peanut butter?"

"And birdseed," Elanee added.

The priestess stared at her two companions before finally managing, "He's not a squirrel!"

"What?" Grobnar asked.

"This is a really big squirrel trap!" she continued, pointing at it. "My father taught me to make one when I was still living in West Harbor!"

Grobnar rubbed his chin and looked at it with his head tilted sideways. "I don't see it," he confessed, "But what I do see is that it really should be called the Betrayer Traitor Ranger Danger 3000 and a half because-"

Raelis ignored him in favor of giving Elanee a shake of her head. "And of all the things in the world to use as bait, you actually used squirrel bait. I expect these things from Grobnar, but from you?"

"Well I'm sorry, but all the whores and money are with the Circle of the Mere!" Elanee snapped back in a rare display of anger before storming off.

"And I'm the pregnant one," the priestess muttered to herself.

"The Circle of the Mere has whores and money?" Grobnar asked.

Raelis looked down at him. "I think she was being sarcastic, Grobnar."

"Oh. What does that mean?"

Raelis sighed.

It finally occurred to him - after his heart was pounding so hard that he was almost certain a heart attack was the next step - that maybe, just maybe, Bishop could fight back. His bow had never left his back, and the bow itself was magically enchanted to never run out of arrows (the best birthday present he had ever received, he had to admit, and it was made sweeter by the fact that Raelis had sweetened the deal that night). So Bishop pulled the bow off his back, twisted the top half of his body and shot a magical arrow behind him blindly, hoping to get lucky or at least figure out where Daeghun was.

No such luck on both counts. The arrow harmlessly went into the distance, striking a tree. Return fire whizzed past his ear.

He stopped abruptly and hid behind a particularly large oak, arrow drawn and ready to fire. He tuned his ears to listen for the telltale sounds of his attacker – the sounds of his breathing, his stepping, the pull of a bow string… nothing. He heard nothing. Bishop scowled and ventured a look around the tree, and nearly lost his ear for the effort.

"I hope you realize I'm missing on purpose," the voice of his stalker sailed through the air. "You can't be a father to my grandchild as a corpse, but continue to test my patience and the paladin will be a suitable replacement."

Oh, hells no, Casavir isn't playing daddy to my kid! Wait, I can't complain, I … left… For some reason he felt his blood run cold, and he wasn't sure what part of it bothered him…

Bishop fired off another shot and started running again.

Casavir bought a jar of each type of pickle (why the need for so many kinds, he had no idea) and started his walk back from Port Llast to Crossroad Keep.

Bishop finally came to rest by collapsing. Karnwyr, who was equally exhausted, lied down next to him with a whine.

Daeghun Farlong stood over the pair and made a tsking noise with his tongue. "I wondered when you would get here."

No… way…

Bishop mercifully passed out.