Chapter Four: Complications

Raelis had a very big problem, and it wasn't the growing fetus in her uterus or the fact that her companions had mutinied and sent her back to Crossroad Keep upon finding out that gaining the Ironfist Clan's aid would involve giant slaying. No, her problem was that her hormones had shifted once more, moving on to an extreme, almost obsessive desire to have sex.

Raelis needed to get laid, and badly.

Bishop also had a very big problem, and it was the growing fetus in the sense that if it wasn't for said fetus, the fetus' grandfather wouldn't be standing before him with an arrow notched and pointed at his forehead.

It was the twelfth day. Not that Bishop understood the significance of that fact, except that for some reason the elf had decided that today was the day to kill him.

"It took you long enough," Bishop said, trying his best to appear as if he didn't care whether or not the elf killed him.

"Don't bluff. I can smell your fear."

I stand by my assertion that this is, in fact, the creepiest elf in the world.

"I am not," Daeghun said.

"What?"

"Nothing."

"Excuse me?"

Both rangers looked over. A young boy approached them, hands up in a gesture of surrender. "Um, I'm traveling with a caravan from Athkatla, and we're lost. Are either of you rangers? You look like rangers to me."

Daeghun lowered the bow, deciding to not kill Bishop. "Aye, lad, we can lead you where you need to go."

"We?" Bishop echoed.

The boy looked thrilled. "Oh, that's great, misters! We're going to Crossroad Keep to deliver a supply of iron, and… and… oh, this is great! Let me go tell my parents!" The boy ran off.

"Ah, and it seems you'll be returning to Crossroad Keep rather you like it or not," Daeghun said thoughtfully, moving to follow the boy.

"I'm not going anywhere! I didn't run-"

"So now you're going to shirk your duty as a ranger as well as a father?"

Double Deadbeat! Karnwyr said cheerfully.

"Fine," Bishop growled, "But don't be surprised if I leave."

"Hi Sand," she said as cheerfully and as innocently as possible. "How are you?"

Sand, who was sitting in the corner of the library with a tome larger than his lap resting on it, regarded her warily. "Aren't you supposed to be bashing things and having drinking contests with the dwarves?"

"The others wouldn't let me stay with them because it involved giant slaying and who knows what else. Plus I can't have alcohol."

"I see." He went back to reading.

Raelis pulled another chair over and sat down next to him.

He ignored her.

She smiled brightly.

He looked at her with a raised eyebrow before looking back at his book.

She continued smiling.

He turned the page.

She continued smiling.

"Yes?" he asked, annoyed. He was trying to read, but it was hard to with that bright, sunny smile continuing to shine at him.

"So Sand," Raelis purred, "how about we make some magic of our own?"

A full minute and a half of silence passed between the two companions; every second Raelis' face grew redder, and after the minute she began sweating nervously.

"That was the worst pickup line I have ever had the painful pleasure of receiving," Sand admitted, closing the book.

The knight captain grimaced. "Hold on, I think I have another one here." She reached into her pocket and pulled out a sheet of paper. "Oh, okay, yes, 'you know, I never minded getting sand in my pants when going to the beach, so' – okay, that's even worse."

"Much worse," Sand agreed, reaching over and snatching the paper from her grasp. He looked it over. "Oh dear."

"Yes, yes, that is a list of people in the order I would have sex with them," she said quickly, reaching out to try and grab the list. The dexterous mage moved out of her way.

"And, more importantly, it has a list of pickup lines," he said aloud, his tone indicating he didn't quite believe what he was reading. "I must say, dear girl, I'm flattered to be at the top, although that might be shame on your behalf I'm feeling. I beat out darling Casavir?"

"Maybe." Raelis had given up trying to grab the list but still looked embarrassed.

"That is something I never expected would happen, although I must point out that 'you must do me for the good and honor of all' is a significantly better pickup line."

"Really?" she asked, looking hopeful. "Until Casavir comes out and says he loves me I'm doing my best to consider him my butler, but if push comes to shove…"

"It's still hideous, but Casavir has made it clear his standards are exceedingly low, so you might have a chance with it."

"And what's that supposed to mean?"

"Hmmm… third is Nevalle, no surprise there, but 'we can blindfold you and you can pretend I'm Lord Nasher' is, while perfectly accurate, not likely to actually succeed…" One of Sand's eyebrows shot straight up and he looked at the priestess while slowly reading, "'The Construct is testament to how good with your hands you are, and I like that in a man'? Grobnar is your fourth choice?"

"He's funny?" Raelis said lamely.

"Is that even physically possible?" Sand looked less disgusted and more confused.

"Just… just, okay, it probably will never come to that!"

"Then 'let's see what Ironfist manhood is really like', oh dear..." Sand glanced down the list. " 'I always wondered how that tail fit into the grand scheme of things' – aw, how quaint, you're willing to become a lesbian for this-"

"Did I tell you I'm desperate?"

"I can tell you with certainty that our Mr. Jerro will not go for 'Do you think Mephasm will do a threesome?'"

"Heh… heh… can we stop now, please?"

"And then 'I never noticed how handsome you are until you put on that Greycloak uniform' – well, Bevil certainly ranked far down the list… and then, 'What's your name?' for, and I quote," Sand put up his fingers in little quote marks, "that one Neverwinter Nine dude, you know, the one who came to kill the thieves after we already did. Unquote."

"He was really hot," Raelis admitted.

"Too bad you don't even know his name…"

"It begins with a D, I think."

"And the gith beat out Qara, leaving our little 'come on baby light my fire' firebrand in last place. At least you show some, if very little, taste. And I rather do like 'Know that I would like for us to copulate.'"

"I'm not sure she would get any sexual innuendos."

Sand made a clicking noise with his tongue as he folded up the list. "My dear knight captain, you clearly were not exaggerating when you said you need to, how did humans put it, get laid."

"See! You thought I was joking! I'm desperate, Sand! Even if Bishop hadn't left me because I got pregnant, I would still kill him for leaving me when I'm so very, very, very needy!" she whined.

"As much as I appreciate the gesture, I'm going to have to decline the honor I'm afraid. You see, I have little to no interest in being brutally mauled and utterly annihilated by four very angry, very protective men."

"Awww, c'mon, that's what invisibility spells are for… wait, four men?"

He held up a finger with each person. "The ranger, the paladin, your foster father, and your foster uncle."

"Number one, Bishop gave up any right he had to being possessive when he left me-"

"I'm sure he'll see it that way after turning me into a pincushion."

"Number two, I'll just have to convince Casavir that it's somehow his fault and he'll spend the rest of his life, er, in a state of despondency – okay, maybe it's not the best idea, but still! Everyone has to make sacrifices here, and that's what Casavir's always wanted anyhow!"

"And then in his grief he'll smite me, I'm sure. In any event-"

"Number three, my father is currently missing in action, and he wouldn't even know about this, and number four, really? You're afraid of Uncle Duncan? You do realize you've become something of an archmage over the course of our adventures together, right?"

Sand gave a great sigh. "With all of the information you haven't been told, it's a miracle you can even walk and talk at the same time."

"Huh?" Raelis asked, not expecting that response.

"Come, girl, I think Ammon Jerro can explain this better than I can."

"What do you want?" the warlock asked, standing up from his position wherein he'd been painting blood on the floor in a pattern that Raelis didn't want to know.

"I thought you could best explain to our illustrious knight captain exactly why I have no desire to anger her uncle, Duncan Farlong," Sand said airily.

To Raelis' surprise, Ammon's glowing tattoos stopped glowing. "She's… she's related to him?"

"What's going on?" Raelis asked.

"I'm sorry for everything I've ever said negative about you!" Ammon blurted. "I honestly had no idea you were-"

"Would someone please explain why you're afraid of Uncle Dun-"

Sand reached out and covered Raelis' mouth. "Now now, if you say his name more than three times it's said he'll appear. Hush now, let Ammon explain."

This is too weird, Raelis thought.

"He… your uncle… is… the greatest warlock of our time. No, beyond that, of all time. He's transcended mere warlock status into something greater, something grander," Ammon explained.

"… huh?"

"Certainly you've questioned why Bishop would, rather than kill him, hang around his bar after being blackmailed by him. Certainly you've also questioned why everyone in the city of Neverwinter knows and loves the Sunken Flagon. Certainly you've also questioned why, when the githyanki attacked, he was not injured no matter how often they struck him. Certainly you've also questioned why it is that Qara accepted being forced into servitude by him instead of just ignoring him or trying to set him on fire, as is her wont. And certainly you've also questioned why Duncan was once an adventurer and the only one of his group who survived," Sand supplied.

"I… I never… But a warlock?" She was too shocked to even point out that Sand hadn't been there when the Sunken Flagon had been sacked by githyanki or when Qara had joined the group (however, judging from Duncan's penchant for talking, he probably received this information second-hand anyhow).

"When I die," Ammon explained, "my soul will be divided and tortured by the numerous demons and devils I bound and imprisoned. When the devils and demons die, usually at his hands, their souls will be divided and tortured by Duncan Farlong."

"… you… you have to be… joking?"

"Seeing as his name has been said three times, he'll probably be here soon enough and he can explain it to you," Sand said airily, standing up to leave.

"But wait! Why are you allowed to insult him?" Raelis demanded.

Sand didn't turn around, but his back went rigid. "We… have a deal. I give him my ale purgative, he does not… destroy me. Over time, he grew to appreciate my particular brand of sarcasm and deigned to not devour my soul as such."

Raelis shook her head and stood up to follow him. "I need to digest this; this is still way too weird…"

"Raelis!" Ammon called out as she left, addressing her by her first name for the first time since the two met. Both Raelis and Sand turned to look to see what he had to say. "If… when he comes… I wouldn't dare to ask for a meeting, but… … … can you get me his autograph? Please?"

And I thought that a drunk Grobnar would be the weirdest thing I would ever have to endure. I was wrong. Not by a lot, though. "Sure, Ammon. I'll be happy to get you his autograph."

"Thank you. He's my hero!"

"So… anyhow… back to our original topic…" Raelis gave a great sigh as the two left Jerro's Hell Room. "I'll be honest with you Sand – the entire time I was thinking to myself, 'you know, it's not technically incest because you two haven't know each other that long and you're not related by blood, so maybe'… … yeah."

"Ah, I don't suppose the knowledge that your uncle is effectively the ruler of all that is evil in the planes would deplete your libido?" Sand asked with a raised eyebrow.

"Well, you know, if it's really him you're worried about, he'll definitely consider you a step up from Bishop… We can be really sneaky about all this and keep it a secret and no one will ever find out! And, regarding Duncan, I can just let him know about Bishop right before he's going to kill you to distract him. You'll be perfectly safe!"

Abruptly, Sand pressed her up against the wall and cut her off with a kiss.

"OH DEAR THAT IS A BIG BIG BIG BIG BIG DRAGON!" Grobnar squealed, pointing emphatically at the red dragon in question.

"Oo, money!" Neeshka also squealed, bypassing the giants and the dragon to go plundering.

"Charge!" Casavir roared, holding aloft his sword and charging.

"For Ironfist!" Khelgar also roared, following suit. A moment later, "Oh gods I need healing! GITH ARE YOU CASTING BLESS AGAIN?"

"Know that I know the most effective use of my power," Zhjaeve said, finishing her casting of bless. In her defense, once Khelgar died she did resurrect him… and then cast bless on him.

Qara laughed maniacally as she started flinging magical spells at everyone in her path, including her companions.

Elanee crossed her arms and went to go sit in the corner. "My apologies," she said aloud, sounding not at all apologetic, "but it just so happens that all of my spells are with the Circle of the Mere."

Raelis was draped over Sand's chest, drawing little circles on the mage with her finger. "I really needed that," she murmured, kissing his collarbone.

Despite himself, it sent delicious shivers down his spine. I suppose I needed it too, he thought, strangely unable to say the words aloud.

"I suppose it would be tacky to ask Casavir to bring me some ice-cream, huh? Oh wait, he's gone giant-slaying. Care to get me some ice-cream?"

Dear sweet sadistic Mystra, what have I gotten myself into? Sand thought.