Note: Thanks to Jade Sabre for all of the amazing reviews, plus pointing out that Sand was referring to himself referring to himself in the wrong person XD (he said he was speaking in third-person, whereas he was speaking in second-person.) Danke :)
Chapter Five: Different Sides
Sand was silently amazing himself at his ability to walk to his alchemy workbench without shaking or passing out or doing some sort of very embarrassing action. Despite the fact that his brain was unable to focus on a single idea, his body at least looked presentable.
Finally the storm of thoughts running through his head managed to congeal into one basic idea – he needed to calm down. Now.
I can make a potion to calm myself, he thought, excited by the new train of thought, or perhaps I can find a sleeping spell and somehow half it, or –
In his distracted state he bumped into Ammon Jerro, who was making his way to go visit his demonic hell circle in the basement. The warlock's mug of something spilled all over the front of Sand's robe, assaulting the mage's superior sense of smell with –
"And where are you going, mage? The library is across the keep and your easy-bake potion oven is in the basement, the stairs to which you just passed. I'd suggest you go to the latter place and make me some more tea or it will be your soul-"
"Tea!" Sand exclaimed. He turned and walked off in the other direction.
Ammon, who rarely concerned himself with the activities of his "companions", couldn't help but wonder what in the hells was wrong with the elf.
"Wrong way!" Sand declared, walking back through the room and past Ammon.
Maybe he accidentally read a Scroll of Stupidity?
"Still the wrong way!" Sand re-declared, finally finding the doors down to the basement.
Ammon stared at Sand thoughtfully as the elf finally made it downstairs. "That elf needs to get laid," he commented before going downstairs himself.
Little did Ammon know it was the exact opposite problem.
Sand prided himself in the fact that he didn't fall down the stairs (he only stumbled a little bit). But the images racing through his mind of being sniped by arrows, being smote (both holily and unholily), having sex and drinking tea were suddenly and violently replaced by the very real vision of Qara, freshly returned from dragon and giant slaying, bent over his (his! hishishishishishishishishishishishis!) alchemy workbench, creating something that smelled disturbingly like peat moss, tangerines, vinegar, moldy cheese, violets, and swamp water. The sorceress in question had yet to notice Sand's presence as she continued simmering the strange concoction.
"If that's poison for me, I guarantee you I won't be drinking it. It smells worse than Khelgar after eating whatever in the hells Elanee makes for us when it's her turn to cook."
Qara was clearly startled in that she lost control of the fire and ignited her sleeve. "Damn it Sand!" she squealed in a way that made the mage's as-sensitive-as-his-nose ears hurt, "Didn't they teach you manners at whatever cantrip school you went to?" She concentrated on her arm and put out the fire.
Sand wasn't quite in the right mindset for sarcastic quips, so all he was able to come up with was, "Excuse me, you're using my workbench! They most certainly didn't teach you any manners waiting tables at the Sunken Flagon!"
"I didn't wait tables there, I cleaned them up! It's a bar, not a restaurant!"
The two mortal foes stared at each other. All right, she has a point, Sand admitted to himself, but to be fair, you just had (admittedly great) sex with a woman pregnant with a sociopath's child, you're not exactly on your A-game. Let's just… ask her again. Wait, are you - am I thinking in second person?
"Um, hello?" Qara asked.
Oh sweet, merciful Mystra, dear Corellon and anyone else who happens to listening, I'm starting to think in second person! A look of sheer horror plastered itself on his face.
"Aaaaaaaaaaaand he's finally lost it." With a nod of acceptance, Qara returned to the workbench. "Took long enough."
This can't be happening! I'm much too young to be going insane! I only just turned 500!
"And the last ingredient is sugar," Qara said sweetly, sprinkling the sugar on top of the beaker. "And I'm done! Say, Sand, do you know where Raelis is?"
That brought Sand back to reality. He did, after all, know exactly where Raelis was. She was asleep… in Sand's bed… and naked. Very naked. And satisfied! the male in Sand chimed in.
"She is… she is… well, I don't know where she is, but I can tell you where she is not! She is not in my room!"
Qara and Sand stared at each other again.
"What are you making?" Sand asked quickly.
"Oh, this?" She held up her beaker. "It's kind of a long story, but when I burned down the boys' locker room I had to do twenty hours of community service at one of the nearby temples, and I had to work with a pregnant woman, and this is what she made for herself for her cravings! She said it was the only thing that made her feel better."
"That… that sin against my nasal cavities?" Sand finally remembered he could cover his nose.
"Geez Sand, it's not for you!" Qara snapped, passing him and walking up the stairs. "Fine, I'll find her myself. Raelis will appreciate this, even if her baby is half demon!"
"Wait," Sand said aloud, more to himself than to her, "Did you do something nice… for someone else?"
Qara, who was halfway up the stairs, looked back over her shoulder. "Don't tell anyone else, okay?" she said with a wink; a wink that made Sand feel like he had been punched in the face. She kept walking upstairs.
Get laid for the first time in a hundred years and the world feels like a new place, Sand admitted to himself, before going to fix up his alchemy lab and make himself (and Ammon Jerro) some tea.
"Knight Captain!"
Raelis groggily opened the eye that wasn't pressed against the pillow, and then instantly closed it.
Kana stood over her with a disdainful look. She pulled the pillow away and threw it behind her. "It's nearly time for lunch, Knight Captain, and I'm afraid that no matter your nightly activities I cannot allow you to shirk your duty anymore!"
Raelis grabbed the sheet and threw it over her head. Her mind was busily trying to figure out where she was, what she had been doing last night…
Or who…Oh, yeah.
"The Graycloaks have come back from their latest mission," Kana recited as if Raelis was not naked in a room that wasn't hers (how did she even find me? Raelis had to wonder), "which I will have to debrief you on. Also, apparently you have twenty more long-lost uncles, fifteen long-lost brothers, and at least twelve long-lost sisters."
"That's less than usual," Raelis admitted, wrapping the sheet around her body and trying her best to act as blasé as Kana was. She spotted her robes, which had been neatly piled on a chair. "Any of them named Duncan?"
Kana looked surprised. "Actually, yes, one of the uncles was. He kept calling me 'lass' as well. Sound familiar?"
"Hmm. Either Jerro wasn't lying to me or this is the weirdest coincidence of my life… See if you can find him, and if you do tell him I'll meet him for lunch."
The caravan shipment wasn't a particularly large one, as it was manned only by a family of laborers who, as per their clothes, weren't all that wealthy. There was a man, his wife, and their three children all under the age of 15, and then there was their dwarven supervisor. The dwarven superior in question was dressed immaculately, as if all of the money went to him
"This isn't suspicious at all," Daeghun said sarcastically, fingering the shafts in his quiver to take a count. The two rangers were walking ahead of the caravan, leading it back to Crossroad Keep. Bishop decided to ignore the fact that he was effectively backtracking.
"Not at all," Bishop agreed, also sarcastically.
It was obvious to the two rangers that this family was slaves and the dwarf – who, despite an otherwise excellent disguise had a particular dusty smell associated with the Underdark and thus was a deurgar – was the slave master. Which left the two pondering this turn of events.
Bishop didn't give a shit one way or another if they killed the dwarf and freed the slaves. From his enthusiasm on the subject, Daeghun didn't care much either. Rather, Daeghun seemed to think that they should free the slaves, but he didn't really want to. Obligation.
Which made Bishop see an opportunity. The beautiful thing about obligation without passion is that it can be easily thwarted.
"You know, you don't really have to be here," Bishop said as the two continued walking, "Raelis doesn't seem to care one way or another if I'm there or not. You're only here out of duty to her, and if she doesn't care…" Bishop was a little surprised to acknowledge that they had been together for two weeks and this was the first real conversation they'd had.
Daeghun snorted. "Aye, Raelis is much too forgiving; a trait she inherited from her mother. But make no mistake; even if you and she hadn't had a liaison and you had simply betrayed the group and left, I would still hunt you down, both out of duty and out of pleasure."
"I don't think you feel pleasure."
"Really? Watching your eyes widen in terror and seeing you scramble to flee my wrath has been very pleasurable." The elf sighed. "And if nothing else, I would rather be out in the wild hunting prey than confined in a keep and forced to endure the humans' inane court system. That the prey happens to have impregnated by daughter and run away simply adds makes the process that much more enjoyable. Now then, we are ten days away from Crossroad Keep, and as such in ten days if you do not enter the keep and take up your role as the father to my grandchild, I will kill you. And," here Daeghun looked at him, "I will enjoy it."
Bishop couldn't think of a good response to that. Instead, he came up with, "You know, if you tried to convince me to go back in a nice way, maybe I'd be more likely to go back."
"No you wouldn't. You have the moral and nurturing instincts of a rabid hellcat. I know full well the only way to get you to do anything is by threats of violence or other sorts of coercion." The elf sighed again. "The only reason Raelis chose you, I am sure, is to somehow redeem you. It's what I get for allowing her to train under Brother Merring. Now, before we get to Crossroad Keep we will slay the deurgar – something you should find enjoyable. Until then, you will be silent."
"UNCLE DUNCAN!" Raelis squealed, embracing her foster uncle in the inn.
"Lass! How've you been doin'?" Duncan Farlong asked cheerfully, hugging his little niece back.
"Oh, things are crazy!" she said enthusiastically, "We're gathering alliances, Neverwinter's been giving us people to take care of, Sal has his own inn… Craziness!"
The two took a seat. "Aw, where's Sand? I was hoping to insult him a couple of times, but if he's already dead that can't be helped I guess."
"Never fear, I've shown up," Sand said airily, walking into the tavern, "I must say, Duncan, every time I see you you are at least surrounded by alcohol, if not imbibing it. If I cared I might start worrying about your health."
Raelis stared at her newfound lover, aghast. If he's worried about Duncan killing him, why did he show up? She desperately wanted to ask him that aloud.
"I drink so much because I have to associate with you," Duncan replied with a smile.
"So, Uncle Duncan, I have a question for you," Raelis said cheerfully, cutting off a retort from Sand, "Why don't you ever go adventuring anymore?" Sand sat down at the table.
Duncan looked as if he understood what she was getting at. "All right, all right, you got me. The story goes like this. Do you remember when Waterdeep was being attacked by the Underdark, and then Mephistopheles showed up on the surface and started killing everything until he was defeated by some adventurers?"
She nodded. "Yes, the kobold who runs a shop here was a part of that group."
"Right. Well, anyhow, old Mephistopheles showed up a year or two later, getting ready for his vengeance, and I saw it as the perfect opportunity to finally bind the bugger to my will. He was the only one of the Archdevils I hadn't gotten yet, you see," Duncan said this as blasély as if he had been talking about the weather. "So I went down there and set about the task. Now Mephy-Stephy was a strong enough lad that I had to put some effort into it, and while I was distracted Asmodeus, bitter being my servant, took the time to curse me." Here Duncan looked dejected. "Every time I take three steps, the right shoelace on my boot unties. Only one pair of boots, mind, but they were my favorite. I called them my adventuring boots. Never again will there be another pair as comfortable!"
"I… I… Asmodeus… the… ruler of the hells…" Raelis recounted slowly, in awe, "managed to… curse one of your shoes. While you were distracted. Imprisoning another devil."
Duncan nodded sadly. "Aye. Although it's not technically 'imprisoning'; I haven't had to use that spell in a long time. Never since I ran across that marileth that-"
"So you're actually a warlock?" Raelis basically screamed, "Jerro wasn't lying?"
"I told you so," Sand said smarmily.
Duncan's eyes brightened. "Jerro, as in Ammon? I've heard of him! Something of an upstart, an up-and-comer! I was going to have to devour him for keeping Koraboras from me as long as he did, but if he's working with you I guess I can leave him be for now."
"He wants your autograph," Sand pointed out. Raelis finally noticed that Sand was pale, sweating, and trembling slightly.
"Ah, I see," Duncan said, looking at Sand expectantly. "Anything else you want to tell me, Sand?"
"I… I… no…"
"What's going on?" Raelis asked.
Duncan smiled charmingly.
Suddenly Sand exclaimed, like someone taking a breath after holding it for too long, "I'm banging your niece! Every single night!"
Raelis reacted quickly. "Bishop got me pregnant and then left!"
Duncan looked shocked, which quickly was replaced by enraged. He disappeared in a puff of smoke, fire and ash.
Silence fell upon the two remaining sylvan lovers.
"I apologize," Sand said softly, color returning to his features, "He was somehow compelling me to tell…"
"I figured," Raelis said, still in shock. "And we've only had sex once. Are you saying…"
"I'm saying if you're saying…"
"Then I guess I'm saying. But, um, for that, you have to tell Ammon we never got him an autograph."
"There you are!" Qara exclaimed, coming into the tavern and wielding a beaker. "I-"
"Hey now, no outside food or drinks in here!" Sal reprimanded her.
"Oh, stuff it before I burn this place down, Sal!"
The bartender looked flustered as he started cleaning some more dishes that were notably already spotless.
"I made you this!" Qara exclaimed, holding out the beaker.
Raelis covered her nose, and Sand threw himself backwards. "What is that?" she asked, mortified.
"It's for your pregnancy cravings! Try it!"
Raelis held the beaker, debating whether or not to drink the concoction. On the one hand, she and Qara hadn't had the best relationship – although she had never been outright mean to the sorceress, her preference for Sand's sarcasm threw the young girl off; by trusting Qara's judgment on this, she could begin repairing broken fences. On the other hand, a sniff of the potion up-close cleared her sinuses. She was pretty sure drinks weren't supposed to do that.
She pressed the beaker to her lips, her eyes squeezed shut as if she hoped it would make her not be able to taste it. A few sips of the potion made her gag and burst into a coughing fit.
"I can not believe you sampled that!" Sand proclaimed, backing up.
Qara's pleased expression did not change.
"It's terrible!" Raelis admitted, sipping it again. "It's… I can't identify a single ingredient in this!" She sipped it again. "I… I…"
Qara's pleased expression grew more pleased. "If you need more, I'll be at my new alchemy station."
"That's my alchemy station!" Sand protested.
"Unless you can make more of this," Raelis said, looking disgusted as she continued drinking, "this amazingly horrible and crave-tastic whatever-it-is, then you have to share the station."
"Buuuuuut!"
"Kheeeelgar Kheeeelgar give me your answer do!" a drunk voice sang out.
"I'm half craaaaazy, all for the love of you!" another drunk voice sang out.
"It won't be a stylish marriage,"
"I can't afford a carriage,"
"But you'd look sweet upon the seat of a bicycle built for two!" the two drunkards finished, stumbling into the bar.
No one would have been surprised if it had been Khelgar and Neeshka, as the two of them had bonded as drinking buddies (although Neeshka rarely allowed herself to get so drunk). They wouldn't have even been surprised if it had been Khelgar and Grobnar, as the gnome's resistance to peer pressure was exceedingly low and Khelger enjoyed cajoling people into drinking with him. But it wasn't.
"Sweet Lathander Casavir!" Raelis exclaimed, jumping up and running over to the clearly intoxicated paladin. He and Khelgar were supporting each other, which was impressive considering the blood alcohol content and the respective heights of both men. "Are you okay? Did someone die? Did you Fall? What's wrong?"
"Nothing!" the paladin proclaimed. "Absolutely nothing! I am certainly… not… feeling horrifically guilty and depressed!"
"Aye! No guilt from this paladin!" Khelgar proclaimed, patting him on the back. Before Raelis could ask what Casavir was actually guilty and depressed about, the pat on the back knocked Casavir to the floor and he subsequently hit his head and lost consciousness.
"Khelgar?" Raelis asked. "What-"
"Now that looks like a good idea!" Khelgar proclaimed, looking at Casavir's unconscious form. He grabbed his mug of ale and started chugging again. After finishing it off, he, too passed out.
"Damn, at the rate he's going he's going to be an alcoholic!" Neeshka, who'd followed the two in, commented about Casavir.
"This isn't the first time he's gotten so drunk?" Raelis asked, looking concerned.
Get laid for the first time in a hundred years and the world feels like a new place, Sand admitted to himself again.
While pondering yet again how he was going to get out of actually going into Crossroad Keep once they finally got there, Bishop was startled out of his reverie by a loud crack, a Latin-chanting choir, and the scents of fire and brimstone.
Daeghun sighed impatiently, rolling his eyes. "I have this under control, Duncan!"
Duncan smiled brightly, completely offsetting the way he'd arrived. "Daeghun!"'
Oh hells, Bishop thought.
"Hells is right," Duncan said sweetly.