1. Thank you for reviewing/reading :) As long as I make you chuckle this is all worth writing!
2. Sorry that this is kinda short and took a little longer to get up. School seems to think that now is the best time to have tests/projects/etc., and plus I've been getting sick. Not conducive for writing.
3. I also have no idea where this is going anymore, including who Raelis is going to end up with. I wrote this entire story to get Bishop caught in a squirrel cage. That being said, if you have any ideas, feel free to share them.
4. Enjoy!
Chapter Seven: The Truth
Raelis stared up, her arms crossed across her chest.
Bishop looked everywhere else except at her.
They had been doing as such for a good hour, neither of them speaking. The crowd that had gathered to see the priestess' wrath delivered upon her wayward ex-lover was disappointed and soon dissipated.
Finally Raelis spoke. "Well, it seems I owe Elanee an apology," she admitted, turning to leave.
"Wait, what the hell is that supposed to mean?" Bishop demanded after her, struggling against the cage.
"And Grobnar a thank-you," she continued.
"Aren't you going to let me out?"
"Nope."
Mere minutes after Raelis went into the fort Grobnar sprinted out, his short legs moving incredibly fast. "IT WORKED IT WORKED IT WORKED IT WORKED IT WORKED!" the gnome exclaimed, coming to rest underneath the cage and beginning to spin in circles. "The Betrayer Ranger Danger Traitor... no, wait, the Ranger Betrayer Traitor Danger... er... ... ..." He stopped spinning and began rubbing his chin thoughtfully. "Or was it the Betrayer Traitor Ranger Danger? That sounds right... ish. And there was a number involved, I think, or was it a hieroglyph?"
"Let me out of this damn thing," Bishop growled.
"But why would I do that?" Grobnar asked, looking genuinely perplexed. "I mean, it only works so long as you are physically in the cage, right? So why would I let you out?"
"Because when you let me out I'm going to throw you in here and make you a gnome pincushion!"
Grobnar frowned. "You know, Sir Bishop, I don't think you should be so rude, considering all the trouble I went through to make this ranger trap."
"It's a squirrel trap, number one, and number two, I'm the ranger you caught!"
"Semaaaaaantics!" the bard sang before skipping away, singing, "Semantics, pedantics, all over crazy aaaantics! Watch what you say, or you'll get chased away, by a couple of wily waaaaaaaaaantics!"
"What the hell does that mean?" Bishop questioned, wondering why he was questioning it in the first place.
Karnwyr, as he had done numerous times, walked over, started to make his chortling noise that was clearly a laugh, and then walked away to go find something to do. Bishop was under the impression the wolf was hanging out with his new friend Daeghun, although since Karnwyr refused to do anything but laugh at him, he could only guess.
Minutes later, Khelgar showed up and started laughing hysterically, laughing so hard he doubled over and started rolling on the ground, ignoring Bishop's threats to stop. Eventually the happy dwarf started running out of oxygen so much that he passed out.
"Karma," Bishop growled, thoroughly ready to kill anyone he possibly could. The cage was too small for him to effectively move in, as least to get his bow into a fireable position, but he was pretty sure he could get to his dagger...
"Karma indeed. How would you put this? A lamb, slaughter, something like that," Casavir said, looking up at him.
Bishop practically recoiled. "I can smell the alcohol from here," Bishop marveled, "Are you-"
"No," Casavir responded, his voice dripping with a sarcasm that seemed odd coming from him, "I'm to-totally sober. Sober as sober is long. Or the day. Or something."
"You sound like the gnome."
"Now that is an interesting theory!" the paladin proclaimed, "Is Grobnar just plain crazy or just plain drunk? Unlike me, being not crazy or drunk? Or maybe just a little crazy. And maybe," he whispered conspiratorially, "just a little drunk. But shhhhhhhh, don't tell anyone."
"So you've finally cracked," Bishop marveled, too caught off-guard to really start the smarm.
"I have no idea what you're talking about!" Casavir said authoritatively. "I certainly do not. What I do know is that you are caught in a gigantic squirrel trap because you went for the bait, which was squirrel bait."
"I was hungry!" Bishop hotly defended himself.
"And that, Sir," he said even more sarcastically than before, "Bishop, is why I will always be better than you. No matter who would rather be with you than me." He suddenly started laughing. Bishop was beginning to actually be freaked. "Which, I think, will no longer be the case. Woo! I'm starting to think coherently. Where's Khelgar? Oh." He poked the stirring dwarf with his foot. "Damn. I think I need another drinking buddy. Oh, where did Grobnar go?" Casavir wandered off.
Bishop started fighting the cage. "GET ME OUT OF HERE! THIS IS THE CRAZIEST CAGE EVER; IT CLEARLY BENDS REALITY! LET ME OUUUUUT!"
"Look at him freak out!" Sand said cheerfully. He and Qara had walked over to the cage next.
"Normally I'd offer to set him on fire, but this way's so much funnier!" she agreed, "He's going to lose it!"
"Especially since he's out of squirrel bait," Sand continued.
"I was HUNGRY! When I get out of here, everyone, everyone in this keep is going to die!" Bishop growled.
"Aww, look at him making threats!" Sand cooed.
"He's so cute!" Qara agreed.
"Like a squirrel!" they finished together.
Laughing together, the two foes walked off to the keep.
Bishop started looking for some sort of interdimensional vortex around the cage that would be bending reality in such a horrible, terrible way. He was placated when Neeshka walked by, glanced furtively around, and reached through the bars to steal Bishop's dagger from the hilt on his boot.
"Hey! I need that to kill people!"
"You should have two big front teeth that you can use to gnaw on people, right? Besides, you don't use daggers anyway!" she protested, looking through Khelgar's pockets. "Hmm... oh, that's right, he doesn't have any money. Maybe... oo! That hammer's so shiny!" She grabbed the dwarf's omnipresent hammer. She tugged back violently, but the hammer didn't budge. "Huh! Well, that's something!"
Elanee walked over, holding something in her arms. "If you had been paying attention, Neeshka, only someone wearing the gauntlets and the belt can hold the hammer. And here, she's hungry," Elanee lifted her arms up and a particularly small squirrel jumped into the cage between the bars.
"Thereisn'tanyleft," Bishop mumbled quickly as Neeshka started taking off Khelgar's belt. The squirrel started climbing him, settling in his hair.
"What was that, Bishop?" Elanee asked sweetly; too sweetly, as her tone betrayed that she had understood him.
"There isn't any left!" he said through gritted teeth.
"Why not? Why is all the squirrel bait gone?" she asked, still too sweetly.
"Because I ate it all! Gods I hate you people!"
She giggled. Meanwhile, Neeshka started fixing up the gauntlets on her own arms.
"Would you and Suzette like some more?" Elanee asked.
The squirrel looked down at Bishop and squeaked. "Yes," Bishop begrudgingly translated.
"Then you'll have to," suddenly her visage changed, her voice grew low and her eyes turned red, "lead me to the Circle of the Mere, lest I feed you to the squirrel, do you understand me?"
"Yes ma'am!" Neeshka and Bishop squeaked in unison, even though she'd only been talking to Bishop. Even Suzette the squirrel looked frightened.
Still chuckling merrily, Qara and Sand entered Crossroad Keep. They both walked through the chamber, taking a left. Their merry chuckling started to waver. They both turned right, going down the stairs. Both realizing where the other was heading, they both broke into a mad dash down the stairs before getting to the hotly-contested alchemy workbench.
"I win!" Qara crooned, practically throwing herself on the surface.
"You have longer legs! That's cheating!" Sand protested.
Qara stuck out her tongue.
"And it's my workbench! Mine! MIIIIIIIIIINE!" In an uncharacteristic display of rage, the mage began jumping up and down in frustration.
"Raelis wants me to make her some more pregnancy stuff! And until you learn to make it yourself-"
"There's nothing to it! It's just a bunch of random ingredients thrown together!"
"Tell that to Raelis!"
Sand clenched his fists. "So much for you 'doing something nice for someone else.' This was your plan, wasn't it? To take my workbench from me?" Despite himself, he could feel his magical energies beginning to swirl around him, out of control.
"You wanna fight about it?" Qara asked, standing up straight.
Sand didn't answer, his voice ringing out in an oft-used enchantment for Meteor Swarm. Qara, who had yet to "learn" such high-level spells herself, wisely ran from the room.
Sand calmed down somewhat. "Now then," he said as if he had not just planned on blowing up the entire building over a workbench, "I do believe I know the perfect ward to place on this." He set to work.
"So Elanee, Bishop, Neeshka and Khelgar have gone to the Circle of the Mere," a now-sober Casavir recounted to his allies much later that day, "and the rest of us have to attempt an alliance with the lizardfolk. That being said, Ms. Raelis cannot come with us. For her own safety, of course. She has made it very clear she wants to come, so someone needs to stay behind and distract her."
Sand raised his hand. "Due to my general disdain for and lack of interest in lizardfolk, I'm sure I'll find something to distract her with. My alchemy experiments, perhaps. She's always good as a test subject."
"You actually have to make sure she doesn't realize we've left without her," Casavir said sternly. "And do not use her as a test subject. She is pregnant, after all."
"Yes, yes, I'll do my best," Sand said, smirking knowingly.
"All right, now we need to figure out who's actually coming," Casavir continued, obviously in control of this situation.
Qara raised her hand.
"Yes, Qara?"
"Will I get to set things on fire?' she asked.
"Most likely."
"All right, then I'm in."
Ammon looked glum. "I don't want to come along. It's a pointless waste of time," he said gruffly.
Casavir ignored him. "Anyone else besides Qara have something to say? Ammon, Zhjaeve, Grobnar?"
Grobnar raised his hand so high he stood up. "Can we go look for the Wendersnaven afterwards, ppppplllllleeeeeeeaaaaaaassssseeeeeeeeeeeee?"
"You'll have to ask Ms. Raelis that question. So not directly afterwards, as she can't know that we're doing this until afterwards."
"Okay!" the gnome said happily.
Zhjaeve raised her hand.
"Yes, Zhjaeve?"
"Know that I consider all allies against the King of Shadows to be of use, so I shall accompany you to the best of my ability."
"Thank you."
Silence.
"I refuse to raise my hand," Ammon established.
"No one else has anything to say? All right, by default Ammon is coming along. So we'll be leaving as soon as possible."
"Grrrrrrrr!"
"Oh, cheer up Ammony!" Duncan said cheerfully over his shoulder, causing everyone in the room to jump, "It won't be so bad! Although 'Ammony' isn't a very good nickname. I'll work on it." The Dark Lord of the Hells left, looking thoughtful. "Spot?"
"When did he..." Qara began.
"I like Ammony more than Spot," Ammon grumbled.
"Know that both suit you," Zhjaeve said smarmily.
Daeghun settled comfortably on a log. Karnwyr walked over and put his head under his hand. Daeghun started scratching his ears.
"Did Bishop just leave again?" Daeghun asked, sounding almost disinterested.
A little. Is you going to stalk him? That'd be f unny.
"Not worth the effort."
But if he doesn't come back, you kill him, yes? That'd be funny.
"I like you," Daeghun established, resuming a more rigorous ear-rub.
I likes you too. Karnwyr's tail started wagging.
Raelis showed up in the courtyard with a suitcase.
"I'm ready to go find the lizards!" she said cheerfully.
Silence. A cricket chirped.
"Um, guys?" Her eyes started watering.
Sand sighed, having finally found her, and grabbed her arms to drag her back into the keep.
"I wanted to go!" she whined, looking thoroughly depressed.
The elf sighed. "Yes, yes, I'm sure. I'll find something better for you to do."
She looked interested. "Oh really?"
He couldn't help but grin.
The two ran back into the keep.