A/N I feel I should not I completed this FOREVER ago but it wouldn't let me upload. I would like to apologize in advance for the total shit you are about to read. So basically I said the next chapter would be a comic relief ending, but it's really just Ham and Eliza's sex lives. NO EXPLICIT DESCRIPTIONS IT'S ALL JUST THE BEFORE AND AFTER SEX NOT DURING. Not even close to historically accurate. Trigger Warning: Build up to hate sex and build up to sex. See you all in hell, enjoy!

Epilogue (sorta)

The Federalist Papers

"Eliiizzzzaaaa, I'm hoommeee."

"I can see that… why are you tipsy?" She comes a little closer. "And you reek of sex, Alex, how do you do these things while working?"

"Well you know how me and Madison were writing together tonight." Eliza nods. "Well we decided to take a little break… and then we got tipsy… and then we fucked a little." He at least had the decency to look sheepish. "And by a little I mean a lot."

"Dam it Alex, teach me your getting laid ways." He smiles and winks at her.

"Secret of the trade my dear, secret of the trade."

(A/N It gets better…)

Room Where It Happens

"Look Hamilton, we both know Madison and I aren't going pass this bill, so why are we even here?" Hamilton leaned back in his seat and studied Jefferson for a minute before smirking.

"What if I fucked you both?" Jefferson choked on his wine mid-sip and Madison just looks faintly amused.

"That's insane- we would never-" Jefferson sputters.

"Well actually…"

"You considering this Madison?!"

"He's considering doing it again." Hamilton pipes up slyly.

"Madison what-" But said person cuts him off.

"So you fuck us, we give you the votes. What are we gonna tell the people you did."

"Wait a minute, I never-" But he's cut off again.

"You want the capital?" He thinks for a moment.

"Ya, that works. Wanna do this over the desk, or actually take this to a room."

"How about a room, spice it up a bit." Both men nod and stand up, heading towards the stairs.

"Wait a minute, what about me?" Hamilton and Madison look at eachother, then back to Jefferson.

"Well you're welcome to join us."

"That's not what I-" But they're already gone.

"God help me." The Virginian sighs as he gets up to go join the other two.

Pre-Reynold Pamphlet

"Eliza?"

"Yes Alex?" Her smile is bright and she has a dopey look on her face as she answers.

"Did you… did you get laid?" He asks in shock.

"Yes." A pause.

"Fucking finally!" They both laugh. "So who was it?" Eliza blushes a bit.

"Our neighbor, Maria Reynold."

"Aww she a beauty." Then he smirks. "Would you be willing to share."

"Ha!" She giggles and slaps my arm and I tackle her in a hug.

"Do you have another 'hangout' scheduled?"

"Yes…"

"That my girl! Get her tiger!"

Post Reynolds Pamphlet

"So how long do I have to 'be mad at you' before I can fuck Maria again?"

"Depends, who do you miss more?" Hamilton asks teasingly.

"Her." She replies flatly without hesitation.

"Fine, be that way." He fakes huffs then laughs. "About a month."

"Uggggg, but I'm sexually frustrated though!"

"Sucks to be you doesn't it."

"Hey you're the one who cheated on me! You have to be nice to me now." Hamilton just laughs and starts to walk away.

"What if I see her secretly!" She calls after him.

"You mean like how you were before you got caught and I had to cover for you!" He says pointedly over his shoulder.

"Touche Hamilton, touche." She mutter ones he's out of sight. Faintly she hears him snort in the next room.

Schuyler Defeated

"Burr! What the hell are you doing at my house?"

"Are you mad at me Alexander?' He says lowly instead of answering, approaching Hamilton like a predator stalking his prey. Hamilton's breath hitches.

"Depends, what are you going to to about it Aaron?" He asks challengingly, catching on. Burr places his hands on either side of Hamilton's head, trapping him.

"Depends. Is your wife home?"

"No." Burr dips down and whisper into his ear.

"Then I think you know exactly what's going to happen here Alexander." He shivers at the use of his Christian name.

"Do your worst Burr."

(A/N I think this might be my favorite)

Hamilton's Last Words (to Angelica)

"Angelica…"

"Shhh, save your strength Alex"

"No you-" he coughs. "You have to hear this."

"Alex, what is it?"

"I'm sorry."

"Sorry for wha-"

"I'm sorry you're the only friend I never fucked." (dies)

"Wait what? Alex? Alex!"

"Angelica, I thinks he's dead…Can we just tell people we don't know his exact last words because he talked so much instead of telling them the truth?"

"Yeah, yeah of course." She replies in daze. "...Even Burr got some?"

"Even Burr."

"Well fuck." A pause.

"Actually, I believe it's 'well no fuck'"

Holy shit, this was fun. I hope y'all enjoyed reading the details of our two fav's sex lives. (Goes to a corner and just dies because of how terrible the ending is.) My favorite part of this is how some of these are super unrealistically possible. (For example no one know what Ham's last words were or what went down in the room where it happened.) See you in my next fic! Bye.