i just had to get it away from me... so done with this chapter. i promise it gets lighter than this, we've almot reached the bottom! more coming soon :)

I walked into her room and noticed two things. One, it was dark, really, really dark and I don't think Alex would have liked to be in a room that dreary. Two, she looked like hell. Her beautiful blonde hair was wet and she was paler than usual. Immediately tears spring to my eyes and I wipe them away violently.

No one else is cognizant in here. You don't have to act anymore.

I get a little closer to Alex, walking cautiously almost, in case I accidentally wake her up.

But you won't you dolt, she's in a coma. Trapped in the recesses of her mind. Incased in conscious thought. Something I've been trying to do for years with yoga and meditation, minus the getting shot of course.

I feel like I should do something so I open the blinds and look outside. Of course, there's no real view so I myself staring at the side of a brownstone.

"Alex I know you can't hear me right now, but I want to tell you before I puss out… I've liked you for, a very long time, and I'm sorry that I haven't told you before this, actually right now is a bad time, jeez I'm terrible at this."

What are you doing? Just finish, it's not like she can hear you or anything. Besides, this is like practice.

"Ah. Ok, pull yourself together. Alex, I'm sorry I never told you but I thought that if you knew about my little crush then you'd spend less time with me. And I didn't want to tell you just to make you think you had to do something. I don't want anything you can't give me, but… ok I'm rambling to a woman in a coma. Just, get better Alex, please. If you die, I don't know what I'll do."

I decide to sit down in the chair beside her bed and take hold of her hand. She's gorgeous in the most understated way, and I can't help but wonder why she doesn't have a boyfriend or something. I mean, we're best friends and we never really talked about our love lives, lots of chat about work and hobbies... but no men.

Or women. My conscience adds as an afterthought. But really that's just wishful thinking on my part.

I sigh and look back at her face. Her eyes are fluttering as if she's trying to open them, the doctor said talk to her to help her come back.

"Alex, honey when we get out of here you aren't leaving my sight until... well until you force me away." I start to chuckle as tears slowly drip down my cheeks. "I can promise you that one. Hell, when I'm not there I'll force a uni to stand guard by your office door. I bet you'd like that though, then Liz couldn't come in without the secret password. We'll have lunch every day and you'll heal fine. Your shoulder may ache when it rains, but that'll be the extent of it. Jesus Alex, please get better. I don't think I can work at SVU without you anymore. A new ADA? I couldn't do it. I'd make her job way too hard. Please Alex... come back to us. I beg you." The tears are freely flowing now but I don't want to let go of you to wipe them away.

I fall asleep with your hand clasped in both of mine and my tears wetting your blanket.