When Ring Shopping for Your Girlfriend, Be Prepared for Total Disaster

Kagura lay on the couch and tried to inflate her belly so it would look like Tae's, big and round and ready to burst, but no matter how hard she tried she could not successfully imitate her friend. She knew her abdomen could get that big, she had seen so herself whenever she ate kilo after kilo of rice, yet this time she wanted to see it get bigger with a baby instead of food. Inspired, she took the pillow from behind her head and stuffed it under her shirt, hoping that this would be a more satisfactory representation and sighed when she saw the result; it was somewhat round though lumpier than she had hoped. Her loyal companion Sadaharu came up to where she was laying and sniffed the pillow under her shirt, she distinctly heard him whine.

"What's wrong, Sadaharu?" she asked sweetly as she scratched under his large chin. "You don't want a little brother or sister?"

Sadaharu gave a slight bark in response and nuzzled against Kagura as best he could, making the young Yato laugh.

"I guess you just want it to be you, me, Gin, and Shinpachi," she said sitting up and taking the pillow out from under her shirt. "You know, Sadaharu, change isn't a bad thing; it can actually be quite fun! Look at all that's happened to us since we met, you can't tell me that some of those adventures weren't fun."

The giant dog tilted his head and stuck out his tongue panting, apparently agreeing with Kagura's assessment.

"See, I knew you had fun," said Kagura as she stood up and headed towards the kitchen. "Come on, Gin will be home soon and he'll probably be hungry from whatever he was doing all day, though playing Pachinko and hanging out with MADAO is hardly a way to build up an apatite. Right, Sadaharu?"

The massive dog barked as he followed her into the kitchen.

"You can't be serious, Gintoki!" exclaimed Hasegawa as he walked beside Gintoki towards a store neither of them thought possible to enter. "It'll be the end of life as you know it! You can't be yourself anymore, you have to be something different and so out of character for you!"

Gintoki brushed off his friend's comments with little care. "Hasegawa, aren't you the one always trying to get your wife back?"

Hasegawa nodded, rubbing the back of his neck.

"Then you have no right telling me that what I'm doing is crazy," said Gintoki as he pulled out his wallet and started counting the bills inside. "I have just enough for a nice ring for Kagura, and then I can put a deposit down this month on possibly purchasing Granny's apartment from her."

"See! That right there is what I'm talking about!" shouted the MADAO as Gintoki put his wallet back in his pocket. "You're starting to sound responsible, Gintoki, which is so very unlike your character. If you marry Kagura you'll turn into one of those guys who thinks about nothing except how to make money and keep his family financially secure! You'll change for the worse!"

Gintoki rolled his eyes. "Calm down, MADAO, you're attracting unnecessary attention."

Hasegawa's jaw fell as Gintoki entered the jewelry store. "I'm attracting unnecessary attention!? You're the mop-headed samurai going into a jewelry store in order to purchase an indestructible ring for a Yato girl!"

"Shut up and get in here!" shouted Gintoki from the door and without another word of protest Hasegawa followed him inside.

The jewelry store was massive, much larger and more enticing than either of them had thought and they were instantly lost in the dazzling splendor of the shiny pieces. They jumped from display to display, asking to try on various pieces of jewelry then modeling them in front of every mirror they saw. Several times Gintoki was tempted to purchase something outlandish for himself like a thick gold chain or a jewel encrusted sword handle for his wooden sword, he even thought about getting some silver grill for his teeth. Each time that he pulled out his money for a purchase, however, Hasegawa would smack him upside the head and point at the only counter they had yet to go to: the one with the engagement rings.

"Fine, fine, I'll go look," sighed Gintoki as he put the silver grill back on the display and made his way over to the engagement rings. He looked down and saw an endless sea of jewels and precious metals, all of different configurations and settings; he suddenly became very panicked. "Which one do I pick?!" he asked Hasegawa in a strained whisper. "I had no idea there were so many choices, I thought this would be simple!" He looked back at all of the different rings. "This is like trying to decide between the blue pill and red pill, you don't know if you've made the right decision until it's too late and then you're trapped!"

Hasegawa chuckled as he strode past the frantic Gintoki up the counter. "You're lucky I'm here, I have more experience buying rings than you do, just look at the ring I bought for Hatsu."

Gintoki smirked wickedly. "I would, if she wore it."

"That's not funny!" shouted Hasegawa angrily, though it had very little effect on Gintoki, who just rolled his eyes and sighed. "Okay, now back to the task at hand," he said, once he had composed himself, and he looked back in the case. "Kagura's got pretty thin fingers, so that eliminates anything with a big stone."

"Not to mention she could use it as a weapon and rip someone's face off," mumbled Gintoki fondly as he looked in at the rings. There were several that caught his eye, though he was not sure any of them were right for Kagura. "Should I pick a silver or gold colored band?" That seemed like a safe and reasonable question.

Hasegawa looked at the options again. "Gold, Kagura's skin tone is more suited towards that color, though I'm not sure of its durability. It might snap when she clenches her fist."

"Are there any stronger metals than just gold?" asked Gintoki as he looked at the rings, this time not feeling as overwhelmed as before. "You know, made of stronger stuff than most building beams?"

"There's always tungsten," suggested Hasegawa, pointing at a thick-banded ring. "They say almost nothing can break that metal."

"Whoever they are obviously haven't met Kagura," mumbled Gintoki as he considered the different tungsten rings, they were not as pretty as the platinum or gold rings but he did not want to get her something she liked only to have it smash into dust when she played with Sadaharu. Then one caught his eye. "I like that one," he announced, pointing at a tungsten band with gold edging and a pattern of light blue swirls going around it.

Hasegawa looked at the ring Gintoki was pointing at proudly and nodded. "That's a very good ring, Gintoki, I think Kagura will like it."

Gintoki smiled broadly as he hailed a passing sale's clerk whom took the ring out of the display and put it in a black velvet box. He purchased the ring, pleased to find that it was cheaper than he had anticipated, and then proceeded to leave the store with Hasegawa a huge grin on his face as he thought about proposing to Kagura.

"Thanks for coming with me, Hasegawa," said Gintoki as they turned down the street he lived on. "I was hoping to have Shinpachi come with me, but from what Tae told me, he had a nervous breakdown when he learned about that idol of his being pregnant. She's going to send him to a mental hospital until he recovers."

"Anytime, Gintoki," said Hasegawa before taking a sip of the drink Gintoki bought him. "You know, I feel a little bad for Shinpachi, he's always been the levelheaded one around here and now he's gone completely insane."

"It was bound to happen," said Gintoki casually as he pulled the ring out again to look at it. "Being the Straight Man has to be stressful, so it was only a matter of time before he cracked. By the way, Hasegawa, how do you know so much about rings?"

Hasegawa grinned as he recalled sweet memories of his estranged wife, Hatsu. "Hatsu liked going to look at jewelry often," explained Hasegawa. "I'd be dragged along with her and she'd tell me all about how to choose a ring or how to know if a jewel was actually real; after a while I could repeat and understand her lessons."

Gintoki laughed loudly, it was too ridiculous. "If that's true then maybe you should work in a jewelry shop like that one we were just in, put those stupid lessons to use."

Hasegawa was about to respond when Gintoki put an arm out and stopped him from walking any further, and then he pulled out his bokuto and threw it in a random direction though it looked aimed. There was a moment of silence before a distinct thud could be heard over the sounds of the busy streets and they started running in the direction of the sound. When they arrived they saw a lavender-haired woman lying on her back, red glasses knocked right off her face and Gintoki's bokuto beside her head.

"I knew it," huffed Gintoki as he picked up his bokuto and shook his head. "Stupid woman, she should know by now."

The woman at his feet began to stir and when she looked up and saw Gintoki standing above her, she smiled broadly before jumping to her feet and wrapping her arms possessively around his neck. "Gintoki!" she cried as he tried to pry her off of him. "I thought that was you, I'm so glad we bumped into each other!"

"What are you talking about?" demanded Gintoki as he attempted to use his bokuto to break her hold on his neck. "You were stalking me, so you knew exactly where I was! This was no coincidence, woman!"

Sarutobi paid no attention and held him even tighter. "I'm so happy to see you," she said, pressing her body against his. "It's been so long since we last spoke, does this mean that you're no longer interested in that red-haired Yato slut?"

Gintoki snapped and kicked her squarely in the stomach, which sent her flying backwards into a pile of wicker baskets. "Do NOT call Kagura a slut!" he shouted as he readjusted his yukata.

The lavender-haired ninja still did know when to quit, she quickly recovered from his attack and lunged at his feet as he walked away, causing him to fall and the ring box to come tumbling out of his pocket. Sarutobi saw it fall out and scrambled to get it before he did, opening it to see what it contained.

"You bought me a ring!" she exclaimed, promptly slipping the ring on her finger though it was much too small for her fingers. "It's beautiful, though I would have preferred something a little more kinky, like a cl—"

Gintoki clamped a hand over her mouth. "Do you want us to get banned?" he asked and she shook her head. "Then do not complete that sentence, for the love of all that is holy, don't!"

She nodded and he released his hand, though her eyes were hazed over with lust at this point, she loved it when Gintoki yelled and treated her roughly.

"Now hand over the ring," he said, holding out his hand, expecting her to comply with his request. "I'm giving it to Kagura tonight and I don't want you tagging along."

"I can't," said Sarutobi, she was desperately trying to pull it off her finger but it was stuck. "The damn thing's stuck! Figures though, that you'd buy a cheap ring for a cheap woman."

"That ring cost me more than you think, woman!" shouted Gintoki and he took hold of the ring and started pulling, finding that she was not lying about it being stuck on her finger. "Hasegawa!" he called to his friend whom was standing around looking dazed. "Find something oily or soapy and bring it here! My stalker got Kagura's ring stuck on her finger."

Hasegawa laughed at the absurdity of the statement as he ran off to fulfill his friend's request, returning a short while later with a small bowl of cooking oil from one of the nearby restaurants. He came back just in time, because he distinctly heard Gintoki muttering something about cutting Sarutobi's finger off.

"Here's the oil!" he said as he came back to them. "No need to resort to that kind of violence, besides it takes a lot of cleaning to get blood off of a ring like that."

Gintoki gratefully took the oil and poured some of it on Sarutobi's finger, ignoring the pleasured sounds that came from the ninja. He handed the bowl back to Hasegawa and with a sharp tug, freed the ring from his stalker's finger, to his immense relief and Sarutobi's great disappointment.

"Does this mean that you're going to marry Kagura?" asked Sarutobi as she watched Gintoki clean the ring with the corner of his sleeve before putting it back in the box.

"It does," he replied with a bright smile. "By this time tomorrow, Kagura will be my fiancée and we'll be planning a feast for a wedding!"

Sarutobi knew this was her last chance to keep Gintoki for herself, her last chance to prevent him from making what she thought was a terrible mistake, so she did the only logical thing: she kicked the ring box in Gintoki's hand and sent it sailing. The three of them watched as the ring box was shot well out of sight and before she could claim Gintoki, he ran off in the general direction he had seen the box travel.

"Nothing's ever easy, is it?" he asked himself as he climbed up the side of a building towards its roof, he and Hasegawa had managed somehow to guess the right direction of the ring and saw just in time it land on this roof. He glanced down and tried not to cry out in fear, he was not ordinarily afraid of heights but today it seemed to have gotten the better of him and he clung desperately to the drainpipe he was climbing up. "This is for Kagura," he told himself. "You have to do this or you just lost most of your money."

With new resolve he skillfully climbed the pipe and ended up on the roof only to come face to face with Katsura.

"Hello Gintoki," said Katsura pleasantly, his faithful companion Elizabeth standing beside him with a sign that read, 'Hello.'

"Hi Zura," said Gintoki as he scanned the rooftop. "Have you seen a black box around here?"

"It's not Zura, it's Katsura," said Katsura with a slight frown. "And does this black box have velvet covering its outer shell?"

Gintoki looked up and almost tackled Katsura, though he settled for just putting him in a headlock. "You have it, you bastard!" he accused, ignoring Elizabeth's sign waving in his peripheral vision. "Give it back! I need it."

"Only if you let go of me," managed Katsura and Gintoki readily complied, eager to have Kagura's ring back. Katsura reached into the folds of his kimono and pulled out the box, with Gintoki swiftly taking it from his hand. "What's in the box that's so important to you?"

"Kagura's engagement ring," said Gintoki without really thinking and he looked to see Katsura standing with his mouth hanging open and Elizabeth holding a sign that read, 'What?! Really?!'

Once Katsura recovered from the initial shock, he smiled brightly and embraced Gintoki, much to the silver-haired samurai's chagrin. "This is wonderful news, Gintoki!" said Katsura at last. "You and Leader have finally decided that you're better off together than apart, I'm so happy. She is your equal in every way, and I can't think of a more wonderful bride for you, my friend."

Gintoki was now very uncomfortable with his friend's display of affection. "Uh, Zura, could you please let go and stop saying stuff like that?" he asked, pushing on Katsura's chest, but like Sarutobi, he did not release Gintoki.

Katsura finally released Gintoki though he was still smiling. "It's not Zura, it's Katsura," he said, crossing his arms. "And I am only offering my sincerest congratulations about your upcoming wedding, Gintoki. Knowing that you have found someone who makes you happy is enough to make your friends content as well, it means you're starting to grow up, even if it's just a little bit."

"You know something," said Gintoki as he put the ring box back in his yukata. "I don't feel like kicking your ass for that comment, Zura."

"It's not Zura, it's Katsura," said Katsura before letting out a loud laugh, and Gintoki joined in. Elizabeth moved in for a group hug, but accidentally knocked both of them over, causing the ring box to escape Gintoki and tumble through the air. The three of them watched as the box landed on one of its corners, popped open and let the ring go rolling down the busy street.

"Get that ring!" shouted Gintoki as he scrambled to get out from under Elizabeth and nearly fell off of the roof in the process.

Kagura sighed heavily as she put the strawberry milk carton back in the refrigerator, Gintoki was late coming home and she was fed up with waiting for his lazy ass. "Fine, if he doesn't want any dinner, then I'll eat it myself," she declared, and she walked over to the table prepared to devour the meal she had prepared when she heard a loud commotion outside. Quickly she put down the bowl of meat and ran outside, wondering what was going on and why they decided to interrupt her dinner.

From her position on the balcony she saw Katsura, Elizabeth, Hasegawa, Kyuubei, Sarutobi, Kondo, Hijikata, Sogo, and Gintoki trampling over each other down the street apparently in some great struggle to get something she could not see. The chase was leading them straight for Otose's snack house, and would probably wreck into it; so Kagura leapt from the balcony and landed on something hard. For a moment she thought she had landed on Gintoki's fingers, seeing as how they were just a hair away from the toe of her boot, but the object under her foot felt circular. Carefully she lifted her foot, not exactly sure what she should be expecting, and saw a ring pressed hard in the dirt.

"Kagura!" exclaimed Gintoki as he climbed up from the ground just as she went down to pick up the ring. He nervously rubbed the back of his neck and tried to come up with some possible explanation without giving away his plan, but it was too late for that now.

Kagura came back up with the ring resting in the palm of her hand, a curious look on her face when she saw Gintoki's guilty and nervous expression. "Gintoki, what's this?" She looked from the ring to him and then back.

Gintoki was nervous, unsure of what to say which was very out of character for him. "Well, uh, you see, Kagura . . . it's, umm," he was stammering now, a sign of a guilty conscience. 'Stop stammering you idiot and tell her!' his mind screamed at him and he knew what had to be done. He took the ring from her hand, which happened to be the left one, and slipped the ring on her finger all while hoping that the words would somehow magically form once he did.

"Gin, are you . . .?" started Kagura though she was not completely sure she should finish that sentence. Instead she looked up at him in utter disbelief only to find him looking at her with the most tender expression she had ever seen on his face, and she knew he was serious.

"Now that we know it can take the strength of a Yato," he said with a nervous laugh. "Kagura, will you accept this ring and agree to be my wife?"

Kagura glanced around at all of the people watching them, people she knew cared about her and Gintoki, and whom had been by their side through many great trials. None of them compared to Gintoki, and she was sure they never would, for he was her samurai and the only man she could ever love. With a smile, she gave him her answer. "Yes, Gintoki!" she practically shouted and everyone cheered as Gintoki took her in his arms and spun her around before kissing her passionately on the lips.