I'm sorry. I don't know quite what else to say.
Snow wants to see me. I think I'm going to throw up.
"Wh…What?" Is all I can stutter out, my voice is riddled with dread. Peeta's face looks blank and it just proves to me that he's been completely clueless about what we've been doing; he's obviously just far too good of an actor.
Haymitch sighs. "He says he wants to congratulate you personally before you go back to district 12," he sounds as normal as ever but I know what his eyes are saying, I'm basically already dead.
"Right… Okay," Peeta seems to have accepted this explanation. "Well let's go see him then," he says.
"No Peeta, you're coming with me," Effie finally speaks after being completely silent since this confession came out, a first for her I'm sure. "President Snow has requested to seeing both of you separately, Katniss will go first and then you will be after,"
I feel sick again. There's got be a reason to why Snow wants to see us by ourselves and it cannot be good. Peeta says okay and then Effie escorts him back to the rooms whilst I'm practically forced to walk up to the room President Snow has allocated for our little 'meeting'.
"Haymitch…" I nearly whine as we make our way there. "You said we should be alright,"
"Well sweetheart what the hell do I know? Besides we don't actually know what he wants, for all we know he could really want to congratulate you," His obvious lie is so palpable that in any other circumstance it would be funny and suddenly I'm extremely angry.
"Yeah well I doubt he's going to suggest we send each other Christmas cards every year, now is he, and I may be new but I'm pretty sure this isn't standard procedure," I snap.
I can see the door now and automatically slow my pace, but Haymitch grabs hold of my arm and pulls me forward.
"Look sweetheart, you're going to be fine. Just know that Snow's no bluffer so whatever he says, he means it. I'm serious Katniss don't try and play any games with him, he has no boundaries and he's going to do whatever it takes," Haymitch's use of my real name startles me and I'm going to question what he means by doing whatever it takes when a gruff voice interrupts us.
"You can go in," the deep voice booms right in front of me and then I'm pushed through the frame into what seems like some sort of office. The door slams shut behind me.
The room is surprisingly small for the Capitol and I realise that there are no windows, Snow stands with his back facing me on one side of a wooden black desk, on the other side is a single chair obviously meant for me. If this is supposed to scare me I'm ashamed to say that it does. I try to swallow the lump in my throat.
"Please sit, Miss Everdeen," he gestures to the chair without even turning and then he proceeds to walk up and down the room as he speaks.
"Do you know why I asked you here today?" his question sends a pit of despair straight through me.
"Ermm…" I'm not entirely sure I should be answering this question but the President seems to except one as he stops pacing and stands right in front of me, staring. Waiting.
"I would warn you," he says. "I don't take kindly to liars, but you seem like the kind of girl who would know such a little thing like that. Tell me Miss Everdeen, are you a liar?" his tone of voice is scarily calm and it's as though he's just making small talk, maybe this is small talk, to him.
"I don't think so," it seems like the safest answer possible.
The corners of his mouth start to twitch upwards into a smile, or perhaps a smirk before they quickly snag back down again. The pencil I didn't know he was holding twists viciously into the wooden desk and I can't help imagining it as a knife.
"You don't think so," he adds a gruff laugh to the end of his sentence. "So if I ask you some questions you are prepared to tell me the truth, is that correct?
I remember what Haymitch said about not playing any games and nod once.
"Yes," As soon as I've said it I feel like I've made the wrong decision.
"Tell me then, what was the real reason behind your decision to have yourself and Mr Mellark swallow the poison berries in the arena?" I know I have to be careful but I'm pretty sure he already knows the answer so telling the truth can't exactly change anything now.
"I wanted us both to survive," I say, because that is the truth, when I pulled out those berries I wasn't thinking about how rebellious it would seem. I just wanted right then for me and Peeta to survive, so maybe it wasn't because I was in love with him, but I couldn't let him die either.
"And how did you know," he carries on. "That the game makers would allow your little charade to succeed? That they wouldn't have just let you both die then and there?" The venom in his voice tells me that is what he wishes to have happened.
"I didn't," I say quickly. "I just figured that having two victors can't have been as bad as having none," When I look up Snow seems satisfied and then I realise what has just happened, I basically just confirmed for him that I didn't produce those berries out of love. I mentally slap myself for being so stupid.
"So," he says, the glee still evident in his eyes. "I think it's safe to assume that you are not and were not in love with Mr Mellark during the course of the games, were you?" His voice rises with every word spoken.
"No," I stare him straight in the eye to show him that I am not afraid of him, and that I will not let him break me.
"Ah," his voice level is back to normal now but there's a certain chill to it that makes me feel uneasy. "That's were your wrong. You Miss Everdeen will forever be in love with Mr Mellark, and in the future you are to be married, maybe have a few children to really cement your love for one another. You will also not let him be aware of your indifference towards him, or anyone else for that matter,"
"And if I don't?"
He chuckles and I'm once again reminded of how this must just seem like another game to him. "I am told you have a younger sister, don't you? What was her name again? Primrose I think, yes that was it. It would be an awful shame if she wasn't around to share in the celebrations of your victory, wouldn't it." His snake like eyes narrow into slits as he sees me understand what he means. I don't speak and he carries on. "And then there's that handsome friend of yours to think about, wouldn't want anyone to get the wrong idea would we?" And then just like that I'm watching Gale kiss me, over and over again his face coming down onto mine. I gulp, he can't have Gale, and I won't let him. "You will not see him or speak to him, if you so much as look at him I will have him killed," I can tell that he's not bluffing.
I try and block any of the weakness I am feeling from surfacing because how am I supposed to do that, I can't ignore Gale, the one person with whom I can truly be myself. Gale is my best friend, my confidant and hunting partner, how am I supposed to cut him out of my life. That's when I realise that there is one place where I will not leave me and him as nothing and perhaps it is the best place overall. The woods.
"And don't think you'll be running of to your precious woods to see him either," his smile is menacing to me and I can't quite contain my shock.
"You knew," it sounds more like a question than a statement.
"You didn't think it was chance that lead to you being here now did you? I mean one slip being picked out of thousands, how unlikely was that?" I wish I could kill the evil laugh that comes out of him and then another realisation dawns on me.
"So what's the point of me staying away from Gale anyway, you're just going to kill him anyway aren't you? I mean you already know about the woods, isn't that enough?" I question knowing there must be a reason; I'm not even going to be able to warn Gale about the woods because there's obviously nothing Snow doesn't see.
"I'm going to allow that he continues to hunt in the woods as it makes great entertainment for me and the few people who are aware of your, risk taking. In fact you will even be allowed to visit them as well, but I will be watching you Miss Everdeen," When he says this I realise what he's just done to me, he's taken away the one place where I am free because now I know that he saw everything and that I was never, ever really free at all.
"I also believe that Mr Hawthorne has had his just deserves for disobeying the Capitol, I am nothing if not a fair man Miss Everdeen, every punishment should be equal to the crime," he finishes.
"What just deserves? What have you done to him?" My voice rises and I can feel myself tensing.
"It is not what I have done but what you have done Miss Everdeen," Snow says. I'm thinking about what he means when another image appears in front of me. I recognise the room I'm looking at instantly as the living area of my house, I know that Prim and my mother are there but I can't tear my eyes away from Gales face, he looks sadder than I've ever seen him before and I know without asking that I'm the reason. The image on the screen shifts to what they are watching and it freezes on the picture of me and Peeta kissing inside the cave.
"Why is this so important to you?" I ask. "Me and Peeta being together, why is this lie so important?"
"It's your lie Miss Everdeen; I'm just helping you execute it correctly. You're the one who's convinced this entire nation that you were so madly in love with a boy that you were more prepared to kill yourself rather than to live without him, not me. And if you don't execute this lie properly the consequences could be dire for everyone, not just your own family,"
I then hang my head in shame, but not for Snow, I don't really care what he thinks and I loathe him for having the power to control everything. I hang my head in shame for the lies that I've let everyone one in my world believe, for the sponsors, the other tributes, the districts, my family and for Gale. That one hurts the most because Gale and I have never lied to each other before and I've broken that. I then think of myself and Peeta because we've been lying to everyone including ourselves.
I hear the door open behind me and I know I'm being dismissed. One more question comes to my mind as I stand to leave.
"Will you be telling Peeta all this too?"
"Why would I tell Mr Mellark about any of this? That would ruin everything," he says.
"But surely Peeta needs to know about the dangers of us not being able to pull of our lie,"
"Your lie Miss Everdeen, remember that," he doesn't offer me anymore than that and I'm left confused by his words.
The guard practically shoves me out the door and I almost fall into Haymitch. He says nothing and I'm left to follow him all the way back to our train car, Peeta is absent when we arrive and I keep thinking about what Snow said to me – my lie – what does that even mean? I wasn't the one thought up the love angle in the first place.
Once Haymitch has swallowed his second drink in under two minutes he finally opens his mouth.
"Well? What did he say?" he asks, but I know Haymitch already knows, he probably always has.
"What's the point of telling you something you already know?" I give him a glare that he answers with a gruff laugh.
"Your right there sweetheart," the ways he's waving his drink around makes me realise that this is not his second drink of the day, far from it in fact, and I just stare at him as he continues to speak.
"So he told you he knew it was an act right? Said he would kill your family if you failed to comply to his demands." It comes off like more of a statement than a question but I answer anyway.
"He wants us married, kids, grandkids the whole lot, I can't do that Haymitch!" I know he can see the panic in my eyes.
"You will if you want to see that sister of yours ever again, and I know about your friend, meaning Snow does too,"
I try not to choke as I tell him of the video Snow showed me of Gale kissing me and how he knows about the woods, Haymitch just rolls his eyes when I tell him of how I am never allowed to speak to Gale again obviously not caring about this detail so much.
"I won the games…" His laughing cuts me off and I'm so angry I could scream. "What's so funny?" I demand.
"You," he says sill failing to hold in his guffaws before turning completely and deadly serious.
"You don't win the games Katniss, the games win you!"
I open my mouth to say something and somehow a completely different question comes out. "There was one thing Snow kept saying that I didn't understand though; he kept going on about it being my lie and when I asked him whether he would be telling Peeta the same that's all he said again, surely if this pretence is so important then Peeta needs to be informed of what is expected as well?"
"Aw, come on sweetheart surely you're not that oblivious," my puzzled face obviously confirms I am. "Do I have to spell it out for you? The boy's in love with you, for real! And he believes the feelings mutual, honestly," he mutters. "It's like spoon feeding a baby,"
"Oh," it's all I can think to say. Peeta's in love with me? He wasn't just acting like I was, no wonder I thought he was acting so well in the interview, he was speaking the truth. I feel terrible; I thought we were on the same page and now it's seems like I've been stringing Peeta along. My emotions battle out in my head but one wins out overall. I'm angry.
"WHAT!"I exclaim. "You mean all this time he hasn't been acting and he thinks I haven't either?" Haymitch doesn't get a chance to answer as the subject of our conversation suddenly walks through the automatic doors of our train's dining room, our escort in pursuit.
"Well, that was rude, I was expected just to wait outside, not even offered a cup of tea or anything!" Effie's capitol accent sounds funny when paired with anything else other than over-enthusiastic giddiness.
I can't look at Peeta and I shift my gaze down instead half listening while Haymitch teases Effie with some story of how he was offered biscuits, after a few huffs everyone goes quiet and I finally look up only to see Peeta staring straight at me, the biggest smile ever gracing his face.
"Let's go home then, shall we," he says.
I can't quite meet his eyes.
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