As soon as I wake up I know todays the day. My Catnips coming home, after a month of wishing and praying, this day has finally arrived, and if it weren't for the fact that's she's not returning alone it may have been the happiest day of my life. However for once I decide not to dwell on the negatives and just enjoy the fact that soon I'll be able to have her in my arms – provided she'll let me.
I'm practically giddy as I come down the stairs just in time to see my family before I go to the fetch Prim and Mrs Everdeen.
"I think this is the happiest I've ever seen you Gale," my mother says as I kiss the top of the forehead before spinning Posy round in the air.
"Too right," Rory joins in. "You can be a right moody grouch most of the time, but last night all I could hear was oh Katniss, yes Catnip… oohhhh," He laughs whilst my mother promptly cuffs him round the ear, normally I would say something back but right now I'm too happy to care. I'm about to say that I'm off when Posy's confused voice blurts out.
"Why would that make Gale happy Rory, he doesn't say ohhhhhh Katniss to her?"
"Yeah but he'd like to…" I hear him mutter and as I walk out the door I can hear my mother setting up another punishment already.
The journey from my house to the Everdeen's is one I have travelled many times over the last few years and I suddenly realise that this is the last time I will be walking it, as soon as Katniss steps off that Platform they will be moving straight into their new house in the victors village, even though I know they deserve the house more than anyone it still saddens me that we won't be living as close to each other as before.
Prim bursts out of the front door and runs straight into me as soon as I reach the house, her excitement at seeing her sister again is contagious and I'm soon wearing the biggest smile I've ever worn on my face. Mrs Everdeen joins us and we start making our way to the square.
Prim looks up to me and says. "Can you believe it Gale, she's coming home! I'm so excited, are you excited," Mrs Everdeen smiles at me and I laugh while I answer yes, we don't speak after that, all far too lost in our happiness. When I look at Prim all I can remember is how I saw a completely different version not even a week and a half ago, the memory springs to mind easily.
I don't know why I agreed to this, sitting with Prim and Mrs Everdeen is unbearable if I'm going to have to watch this. Doesn't Katniss realise that that I'm watching, that I'm waiting for her to come back to me? She's supposed to be out there trying to win, not kissing damn Peeta Mellark in a cave.
"I don't have a lot of competition in here," the way he looks at her with those puppy dog eyes makes me want to throw up, but then Katniss says something that makes me feel even worse.
"You don't have any competition, anywhere," she says it so convincingly that even I almost fall for it, but then I think, I know Katniss , she can't lie about anything let alone convince a whole nation. Could it be real? Every caress, kiss, sweet, kind word, could she really be in love with bread boy? My emotions get the better of me as she once again kisses him with the passion she has never, ever bestowed on me and I storm out, my balled fists slamming the door behind me, I'm oblivious to everything around me and I all I can think is that if I get to the woods everything will be okay. My head is far from rational at the moment and I think that if anyone were to come up to me at this moment, I would not be responsible for my actions.
"GALE!" I ignore the first call and speed up my pace, I have no idea who it is, and their voice sounds unfamiliar to me.
"GALE!" The voice is louder this time and I can feel the furiousness behind it, I slow down and allow them to catch up to me more out of curiosity than anything else.
Footsteps come to a halt behind me and I slowly turn around. "WHA…" I start to yell back before my open mouth freezes staring in shock at the red in the face person of fury standing in front of me.
All I can think is that I have never, not once seen Primrose Everdeen angry.
"What do you think you're doing?" her voice is now eerily calm but I can still feel the furious tremors behind it, the little girl who only yesterday was crying herself to sleep suddenly doesn't seem so little anymore, and I find myself ridiculously scared.
I sigh. "I can't watch it Prim, her, being with him, I can't do it," I hang my head in shame, Katniss is the one who could die at any minute and I'm the one who can't watch.
"It's not REAL, you're supposed to know Katniss better than anyone, how can you not realise that? She's doing what she has too, she's surviving!" Prim jabs me in the stomach at each word, but I can hear her tone softening. I drop to my knees so I'm at eye level with her.
"Katniss isn't that great of an actress Prim," I say.
"Well maybe she is!" her exasperation is back. "And even if she isn't, does that mean that you don't want her to come home? That you don't love her anymore? That you turn your back on her?"
My hands go up in surrender. "Okay, you're right, I shouldn't have walked out, I'm sorry."
I straighten up and she takes my hand to lead me back to the house, her features completely softened out now.
"Good." She says. "But you'll see Gale, Katniss loves you, you'll see,"
I can only hope she's right.
I thought it had already hit me but the full force of what today means only comes to life in my eyes once we reach the square, the district is a-buzz with the news that after 25 years of silence we finally have not one but two victors coming home, not to mention the fact that we will be receiving numerous food parcel days for everyone throughout the year. People are laughing and chatting amongst themselves and I decide that this is the happiest I have ever seen the district, however no one is happier than me, as we push through the crowd to stand directly in front of the justice building doors, where my Catnip will be appearing in just under 10 minutes.
"GALE, PRIM!" I turn my head to the left to see Posy racing towards us, my mother and the boys in tow.
"Hey Posy," Prim bends down to greet my little sister. "Excited to see Katniss?" Posy's head bobs up and down, a gigantic smile gracing her face. Looking at Rory and Vick's faces I see that their faces also, mirror Posy's and my mother stands next to me just as the clock strikes, its time.
"Are you alright?" She whispers to me. I give her a strange look. "Of course I am ma, she made it! Why wouldn't I be?"
She gives me a smile but I can see something hidden behind her eyes, although the crowd erupts in cheers before I have a chance to pursue her.
The deafening screams I hear directed towards the opening doors are quickly silenced when we see that its only Effie coming out on to the stage, but they soon pick up again once she announces that our first parcel day will be happening tomorrow.
"And now, without further ado I announce the victors of the 74th Hunger Games Katniss Everdeen and Peeta Mellark!"
The doors open and they both step out, instantly my heart rate speeds up but it drops when I see her hands interlocked tightly with his, and I'm unsure whether it's for the show or not. One thing I do know is that the smile on her face is fake, and I notice how Haymitch seems to be propelling her forward from behind, it's all plastered on until she sees Prim in the crowd and then its Peeta who has to pull her back. She doesn't look at me.
Whilst the Mayors speech drones on I try to catch her eye and spite of jumping up and down, nothing seems to work, her eyes stays locked on Prim, joy dancing all over her face. There is nothing I want to do more than hold her and only when Peeta commands her attention by kissing her cheek does the mask seem to fall back into place. However she disillusions this when she turns in order to give her 'boyfriend' a real kiss, I try to swallow my anger and prevent it from showing in my cheeks, turning my head away in pain. She must really love him.
I feel a tug at my elbow and look down to see Prim shaking her head at me, I know what she's trying to convey, that it's not real but I don't know whether I can believe that right now. I give her what I hope is an encouraging smile but the look she gives me in return proves otherwise, her concern for me is overshadowed though when she realises that Katniss is coming down the stage steps and she runs to greet her, Mrs Everdeen follows and I go to step forward to eager to at least hug Katniss but my mother holds me back.
"Let them have a minute Gale," she says, and even though I so badly want to be with them I know it's the right thing to do, Catnip will come to me, I know she will.
Watching all three of them brings a tear to my mother's eye and I nearly join her when I see the smile on Katniss face. Prim has practically jumped on top of her and their mother holds them close. Everybody lets them have their bubble for a few minutes when I see Haymitch, who is standing close by say something to Katniss. She nods and takes her mother and Prim by the hand walking towards where we stand. I feel nervous now, she's a victor what does she need me for? She has enough money to feed herself for 100s of years; she doesn't need to go hunting now. She's about two steps away from being in front of me now and I start to open my arms, desperately wanting to cling to her. A chance I don't get. She escorts her family straight past us and through the crowd without so much as a glance in our direction, my mouth hangs open in shock and Prim is the only one who looks back.
The crowd disperses with their departure and my mother has to literally push me out of my standing spot.
"Gale, come on," she says. I'm unresponsive but somehow my feet start to move forward, without permission from my brain. Its focus is on one thing only; she walked past me. My best friend just marched straight past as if I was mere speck of dust, unworthy of her attention.
My family don't speak as we make our journey home, and my mind feels numb. It is only Posy who breaks our silence as she clamours for my attention down below, once I've picked her up in a somewhat robotic manner does she ask the question I dread.
"Why didn't Kat come see us Gale?" her wide eyes look upon me to satisfy her with an answer I don't have.
"I don't know Pose," I audibly sigh. Why didn't she? We're not family no, but as good as, I at least have thought she'd want to know if I kept our promise.
"Katniss has had a rough couple of weeks Posy, she needs to be with her family right now, and she'll come see us," my mother loos directly at me. "When she's ready,"
I cling onto her optimism with all my strength.
I've been home for 8 weeks now. Though I'm not home, not really, victor's village is far from being a home for me. My home will always be where my father lived, and technically I still own it allowing me to visit there as often as I please. I don't often go there though, mostly through fear that the bugs I have found in this house will transfer over there should Snow find out (although I'm pretty sure it's probably already infested) and the unspoken rule that my family will be forced back there, should the worst happen to me, has tainted its existence of slight. It seems that only I am concerned by our move as Prim and my mother are both equally ecstatic with our new living arrangements, each of them ran round the house jumping with joy when we first walked through the door after being led through crowds I didn't expect for my homecoming.
I guess it should have been obvious to me that the whole district would turn up for mine and Peeta's arrival, for the first time in 24 years no one's died, well from our district. But stepping of that platform to the deafening screams still seemed unreal, to me district 12 has always been gloomy and quiet, and though terrible, unjustified things happen here I always liked it like that, quiet. Once I'd seen Prim in the masses the only thing keeping me from jumping off the stage right then and there was the vice like grip Peeta had on my hand, we'd hardly spoken on the journey home, both of us far too caught up in the happiness of our return. He told me that Snow had congratulated him and welcomed him into the victor family with a true smile gracing his face, obliviousness shining right through. The pressure of his hand reminded me of Snow's words 'execute your lie properly' and a kiss on the cheek wouldn't cut it; a full kiss ensued with the crowd going wild. My heart sank though when my eyes fell directly onto Gale, I hadn't looked at him yet though I was desperate to see him. He wasn't even looking at me.
Gale. I haven't spoken to him since I've been back, and I'm again plagued by Snows threats, I can't even warn him about the woods, something that I hate Snow even more for, my own place of solace and sanity taken from me. I know Gale must be hurt that I haven't acknowledged him in anyway, but it's been painful for me too, without even thinking about the kiss we didn't even talk about he's still my best friend and I missed him terribly during the games, it's for his own good though, I can't let Snow kill him. I've only seen him twice, once whilst I was saying my hellos in the hob, I ran as far as I could before I turned round and started talking and then again when I was looking out Madge's window, he was walking, his head low.
Even If Gale and I were talking I doubt he'd think it was me, I don't even recognise myself anymore, the old Katniss is gone and really I feel useless. Since hunting is no longer a necessity and I found out about the cameras I haven't even visited the woods or the seam, though I miss both terribly. My days are spent aimlessly wandering around town or visiting Madge, who is now I suppose my only friend, unless you count Peeta but considering he thinks were actually an 'item' and that I'm supposed to be keeping up the pretence I can only class our relationship as fake. Of course I care for Peeta but in a non-romantic way, parading our relationship around town is creating a parallel me and on the inside I'm screaming, I can do it though – to save my loved ones I must.
Another mind numbing day waits for me today although of a slight different nature as I await the arrival of Effie who as she put on the phone 'is not happy that I have not chosen my victor talent and now will have to come down and do it for me!'
First however I make my way over to Haymitch's who I have made a habit of visiting every morning, mostly to check that he's not dead but I would be lying if I didn't say that I found ease with him, as funny as it sounds, he is after all the only one who knows what is really going on.
As usual his drunken slumber has made its way to the floor, head surrounded in vomit. My irritation flares, because I actually have something to talk to him about today, obviously he has other plans. The cold contents are already sloshed over him and he's wildly screaming, flailing arms and legs at me before I can gauge a reaction, and he knocks me over in his frantic frenzy.
"Haymitch," I complain, the look he gives me is unsympathetic and he just laughs when he sees where I landed. His vomit of course.
"Let's call it karma and be done with it sweetheart," he says, already halfway through the bottle he snatched from the cabinet only a few seconds ago.
"Fine," I grumble, if it wasn't for the conversation I want to have with him, there's no way I'd be letting it go.
"I need to talk to you about something," I say, deciding to just start with the reason I'm here anyway.
"Go on then," he says motioning with his fingers to just say it, whilst tripping over himself as he reaches for another bottle.
"Let's go for a walk while we talk," my eyes dart around the room and he seems to understand what I'm saying, he'd told me about the bugs in the victor houses a few weeks ago, not that I was surprised, Snow'd basically told me about them anyway. Haymitch knows what I'm saying though; let's go somewhere where no one's listening.
He nods and then we're out walking through the gates of Victor's Village a few seconds later, he stumbles twice before turning onto a path I've since walked many times, towards town.
"Let's have it then, sweetheart," he voice is impatient.
"I want to go into the woods," I say, blunt and to the point.
Haymitch is quiet for a second before he actually laughs in my face.
"You've only been out of the arena for five minutes and you're already asking to die again," he chuckles to himself.
"It's not a death wish, Haymitch. Snow didn't forbid me from the woods, and I want to see Gale, I need to explain to him,"
"You do that and he's as good as dead. Besides seems like you're minds made up sweetheart, what you telling me for?"
"You can get a message to him, I need there to be no cameras, Snows not going to get to watch, please Haymitch, there's a place I haven't been to for years and its far, there can't be cameras there, all you have to do is tell him to go to our spot, I'll leave directions,"
"Fine. How do you even know he'll turn up, s'not exactly like you've been exuding friendliness now is it," he sighs. And it's true, Gale probably won't show up, and if he doesn't it's nothing less than I deserve, but I have to at least try, hope that he does and see.
"I'll get the message to him, but I'm warning you Katniss," His use of my actual name startles me. "I'm not going to be able to help you out of this one, if you start this, you're going to have to finish it yourself."
It's a fact I'm all too aware of, and yet I'm still helpless to know how I'm going to succeed.