"Really, where did all your pride vanish to?"
That voice…where have I heard her before?
"I know when you're awake, Akinoyo; you cannot feign anything in my presence."
Well, there went any chances of being able to just continue sleeping.
I opened my heavy eyes; light-reflecting water the first image they set on. It was all around me—had I fallen asleep in a puddle? Wait a minute. After I wiped my eyes, I sat up with recognition smacking me in the face—this was that weird dream I had the other day.
Something wasn't right though.
It was dark in that dream, and all I saw was the darkness aside from the murky water beneath me. Now, that thick darkness was lifted; replaced by the lighter night sky, and flooded from the faint moonlight cast down on the water.
The water I sat in stretched out as far as my eyes could see, and sharp boulders peeked out from beneath the water. Chunks of wood floated throughout the water; swollen and rotting with bark deteriorating off them. This place was so bizarre; it wasn't like I was in an ocean, yet it wasn't like I was in a lake either. It moreover reminded me of a flooded land more than all else.
"This is the result of your negligence," the female broke my venturing mind.
I turned around to see no one. Just what was this voice? Where was this woman, and why the Hell did I keep dreaming of her?
"You've become such a selfish child."
The voice was definitely coming from the direction I faced, but I still couldn't see anything. No human or creature; just the still water before me.
"I suppose I should be thankful to him,"
The water a few feet in front of me rippled; the circles expanding before colliding with another ripple that emerged closer to me—footsteps?
"However, it does not excuse what you have done."
The steps came closer, and I stepped back in defense.
"Just how do you plan to remedy this situation? By sitting idly by and waiting for him to put in the work for you? You're pathetic."
"You know, it's even more pathetic when you're dishing out insults and can't even show yourself to me. You're over there pointing fingers at me from behind an invisible cloak like a fucking coward. I don't know what this place is, but it's impossible that I'm the one that caused this. Shit, it was probably you who destroyed this place; when you point fingers, there are three pointing right back at you—so you know. Quit trying to pawn the blame off on me, and quit it with your fucking attitude!"
Okay, maybe spouting off to an invisible entity wasn't one of my brightest ideas.
The water rippled quickly, and a gust of wind rushed at me as the water rose and circulated around where she was 'standing' in an angered fury.
"You're the one who refuses to open your eyes to the truth! Don't you understand that it's you who can't see me? Do you have any idea how frustrating and insulting that is to me? " She shouted.
There was anger—definitely anger—but another level of emotion to her words. Hurt?
"This is how you reciprocate the gratitude I've shown you?"
The entity inched closer, and I took another step back. What was she talking about? 'Gratitude?' What has she done other than call me names and display hatred toward me?
The water circulating around her dropped instantly; an eerie silence stiffening me straighter than a board.
"You don't deserve that which you have received," she said softly—more to herself than to me.
In that moment—even though I couldn't see anything—I felt a pressured, sharp gaze on me; my skin tingling with the psychological intensity.
"Leave."
I dropped down instantly into the water.
-x-x-
The sound of the shouji door sliding open scared me awake—I jolted up to face a paused Hitsugaya at the entrance.
"It's okay—it's me." He said softly—I exhaled some of the panic when his voice finally registered.
As I looked around the room like a mouse caught between a wall and a cat, he approached slowly and sat next to me on the bed I was tucked into.
"You passed out on our way here. Matsumoto just brought over your yukata for you," he handed me the garment before continuing. "She said she'd be over first thing when you're awake to apologize, but since it's late, it can wait until tomorrow."
I set the attire on my lap; resting my lightly trembling hands over it as I looked down at them.
"She doesn't have anything to be sorry about,"
"Kiteyama," His hand set over mine; the touch added to the already blazing emotions inside me. "I know that you're tired, and I know that you're still in shock, but I need you to tell me what happened."
I took a deep breath; closing my eyes in an effort to nullify the remnant of the massive headache from earlier. I knew that he needed to know everything, but there was a part of me that didn't want to tell him. I didn't want to tell him about her; I didn't want to explain the mess he'd uncovered under my corset—I just wanted to pretend that nothing happened, and to have that hand of his pull me into him. But, of course, life doesn't work that way.
"We went drinking, and both got pretty wasted. We were having a good time, and everything was fine, until I…" I grit my teeth—here it goes.
"I needed a smoke, so I left her to go do that. I caught sight of someone, and tried to follow them out. Since I have trouble walking while intoxicated, I lost her. I ended up in that alley you found me in, and that guy came out of nowhere. I didn't even see him coming; before I knew it he had me against the wall." I paused to take a deep breath. "He-He said that he's been waiting for the opportune moment to catch me alone—that he had been waiting for me. I tried to get away, but I was too incapacitated to do much about it."
He squeezed my hand; a small, sympathizing action that honestly meant more than anything to me.
"Right before he was going to take me, he asked where I was hiding something. When I told him I didn't know, he started searching me for it. I tried to break away, but he ended up getting the better of me by bashing the back of my head with his knife. After he did that, I…don't really know how to explain what happened. My head felt like it was exploding, and some invisible force pushed him off me. I don't know what it was, but it felt like the life was being sucked out of me—all I could do was scream. Shortly after, you arrived on the scene."
I peeked up at him; seeing that his eyes were now fixated on our hands atop my lap as he listened intently to my explanation. Telling it to him made me internally re-live the whole scene; tears were already set in motion and it took everything for me to hold them back. I'd fallen so low so fast; two weeks ago I would've gotten it and moved on, but now that someone was here to listen, it was like all of my defenses disappeared. Not only was this whole situation driving me insane, but this frustration at my own weakness only added fuel to the fire. Just how much of a weakling was I?
"What happened when you followed him?" I squeaked out.
He looked up to meet my watery gaze, and I quickly looked away in embarrassment. "I chased him down, and when I finally was able to take shot, he disappeared." He paused briefly; more than likely contemplating me expression. "I'm sorry to make you go through it again; I should've waited until the morning—I'm sorry."
As much as I didn't want to, I took my hand out of his and straightened my clothing nervously. "I-It's fine; it's better that you know the situation immediately in case of anything. That guy could be outside the window right now and we would've had no idea."
In saying it, the fear of being watched sent new shivers up my spine—another paranoia to add to my already long list. My eyes shifted to the window to check—nothing but dim moonlight illuminating the sheer curtains.
"It would be pretty bold to try to break in here; I don't sense anyone lingering about at the moment. You're safe here, Kiteyama; you don't have to worry about anything while you're in our company—I promise. Matsumoto and I promised to protect you; if you're with us then we can make sure that no harm comes to you."
"Hitsugaya, I'm sorry I've caused more trouble for you." I blurted out. "Please don't be angry at Rangiku; she's been really good to me, and is more than capable of protecting me. I-I'm the one that wandered off; what happened tonight is no one's fault but mine." I bowed my head to him—a gesture I wasn't used to doing in earnest. "I'm sorry."
"Don't be, it's okay. I'm not mad at her—I understand that things happen. Although I completely disapprove of her taking you out to drink, I understand that it wasn't her negligence that caused this to happen."
I sat back up; refusing to make eye contact. I was relieved that he wasn't mad at her, but I knew that I was the one who fucked up, and he should be mad at me for pulling such a rookie move like that.
"What's done is done, and we can only move forward all the wiser from it," he turned his body toward mine, and I stiffened from the undivided attention. "However, I do need to know about this 'someone' you attempted to follow. Who is it, and why couldn't it wait until another time?"
That gaze of his was on me, and I knew that I didn't have any choice in the matter. I'd have to tell him about her whether I liked it or not.
"Her name is Nankai Miyuki. S-She was someone who I knew that died as few years ago. I only caught a glimpse of her, but by the time everything processed and I came to the realization, she was already out the door. I-I just wanted to see her."
Looking up at him, I realized just how selfish what I did was. He's done so much for me, and I repaid him by putting myself in harm's way. I regret what my behavior's caused, but I don't regret why I did it. I couldn't let the opportunity slip by me; even with what happened, she was still such a significant person to me.
"Nankai Miyuki," he repeated. "She must've been important for you to leave Matsumoto like that." He looked back at me and I broke eye contact.
"S-She is." I clarified hesitantly.
"She was one of the patrons?"
"No, she was delivering something. I didn't see what it was, but the host seemed happy to receive it."
"I see."
"How did you find me?" I quickly subject-changed.
The memo was received; he played along with me even though I could tell he had more questions. "It was getting late, and I hadn't heard back from Matsumoto. I was tracing her reiatsu when I felt yours blaze from elsewhere."
"Mine? What do you mean? I thought you couldn't sense me?" I questioned.
"While you were confined by that bracelet I couldn't, but as soon as you emerged I was able to sense you immediately. Your reiatsu erupted when you first emerged, then dwindled down to barely even an output. I've been able to sense that it's been recuperating for the past few days little by little, but it's still weak even now. The thing about reiatsu is that it can react with emotion; with what was happening to you earlier, I'm not surprised it spiked out of control. It felt different however—I knew it was you immediately, but it was far different from your normal reiatsu." He explained.
Well that made sense, but I didn't understand why it felt different to him. Wouldn't it always feel the same but in different levels of intensity?
"Does it always come out in a nose bleed and feel like you're being ripped apart?"
"What do you mean?"
"Well, aside from him striking the back of my head with the hilt of his knife, my head and body felt like it was being ripped apart. The same thing happened when I got out of the gigai, but this time when it came out, I felt like my skin was being peeled off and my soul was leaving my body."
Hitsugaya cocked a brow. "That isn't normally how it feels; yes it can be draining for it to be heightened like that, but I've never heard of anyone having that reaction."
"Leave it to me to be the oddity." I scoffed.
"What happened when it erupted?" he asked.
"Well, aside from the headache and nosebleed, it swirled around me violently, and blocked an attack from the man. I couldn't see anything or really focus, but when the man attacked, the impact made more of it pump out of me to the point of almost passing out. It was weird—it was like it had a mind of its own almost. All I was doing was screaming and coughing from choking on the blood from my nosebleed."
He took a moment to assess what I said, and I felt like even more of a freak with the silence. Was I really that different from other Shinigami?
"Kiteyama, have you made any contact with your zanpakutou?"
Now it was my turn to cock a brow. "What do you mean?"
"I mean, have you talked to it at all?"
"Not that I know of. Is that usually something that's supposed to happen?"
"Yes; zanpakutou are extensions of our own souls. They can appear as a separate entity and even manifest themselves, but ultimately they are a part of us. To achieve Shikai and Bankai—released forms of zanpakutou—it is crucial to communicate, and work with your zanpakutou."
"I see." The thought of a somewhat separate entity inside me kind of freaked me out, but at the same time, was I really that surprised?
The dream I had earlier came to mind. It was so surreal each time, and the voice of that invisible woman was so eloquent and enticing even with the superiority tinge that I couldn't forget it even if I wanted to. "Do they have the ability to appear in dreams?"
"They do. Most of the time, the first interactions are either through dreams, or during a moment of conflict. It varies for each person since everyone's different, but ultimately they make contact by simply speaking out to you when they deem you worthy enough." He explained.
Everything made sense to me in that moment. The attack, the dream—that woman was my zanpakutou. Remembering both interactions and her anger toward me now panged my heart with guilt. I don't know how I did what she's accusing me of, but ultimately I knew that I owed her an apology regardless of my own recollection of my action.
"I take it back then; I have made contact with my zanpakutou. I thought it was just a weird dream and that maybe the voice I heard was the first phase of paranoid schizophrenia, but now that you explained that—it was definitely her." I rested my forehead in my palm. " I heard her voice before that invisible force erupted earlier—it must've been her behind it. I don't know how I did it, but she's really pissed off at me—yet another complication to hinder my progress. She said that she 'should be thankful to him,' though, which I assume must mean you since you're the only 'him' that's ever done anything for me. At least she likes one of us."
"Whatever it is that happened, communication will help. Reach out to her; try to make amends with her—she is part of yourself after all." The suggestion was the right one, but it didn't make me feel any less intimidated by her.
"I guess you're right,"
The sheathed blade was set atop the dresser; the hilt facing my direction. If I were to take a guess, the hilt was her head staring straight at me—I looked away in my own cowardice.
"I folded your corset and set it beside your zanpakutou and hair piece,"
My stomach didn't sink from the thought of interacting with a sharp piece of metal anymore; Hitsugaya's comment now made me shrink under the pressure of what he saw.
"T-Thanks,"
The stuttering can fucking stop now—thanks.
"You're welcome,"
Kami, he was gonna ask questions. Could I really delve into this with him? I didn't want to talk about it to anyone ever again, but could I really say no to him now that he's seen them? Maybe I was overreacting—maybe it wasn't so terrible to look at from an outsider's perspective. Maybe only to me was it the most absolutely sickening thing in the universe—maybe it was because of the memory that went hand-in-hand with it that I just couldn't handle. Either way, I reflexively brought the yukata up to my stomach to provide even thicker coverage—my hands clenching the fabric in an effort to stop shaking.
"Here; let me have a look at those wounds," he moved closer to me, and I evaded eye contact at all costs.
Oh Kami, he wanted to look at them? Why would he want to do such a thing? Was the first glance at the freakshow not enough? The shaking from my hands trailed up my arms and to the rest of my body. I shook my head, and clutched the fabric my blank focused eyes stared at.
"T-That's okay; I-I'm fine,"
His fingertips brushing gently against my forehead broke me out of my intense concentration. I tried to keep calm and collected as much as I could, but the touch made my heart race and my breathing stutter.
"Not those ones,"
I rose my head to glance up at him; his fingertips moving my loose hair out of my face upon the rise. He let the corner of his lips rise briefly to set me at ease, and the gesture sent the panic of having to once again face my own demons away.
He guided my hair to rest behind my ear, and gently swayed me into turning my head to him so he could get a closer look at the cut on my forehead. As I stared at his analyzing facial expression, the memory of him saving me from suffocation earlier played in my mind like an unwanted computer pop-up. His fingers moved my rebellious layered bangs away from my forehead again, and I struggled to keep an unfazed façade from the never-ending replay going on in my head.
"The cut itself isn't too deep; this should help it not ache as much," His palm hovered over the cut on my forehead and a faint chartreuse glow from his kidou caught the top of my periphery. "I can't save you from the bump that's sure to develop however—you're going to have to wait that one out."
"Y-Yeah—no problem," I managed to mutter.
His eyes met mine at my reply, and I quickly looked away in embarrassment. Why was it only a big deal to me about what he and I did earlier? He didn't seem fazed at all. Well then again it isn't like it was an actual kiss or anything; it was a basic life-saving procedure. Why was I making a bigger deal than it actually was? Speaking of which, though…
"Thanks…for earlier, Hitsugaya." I could still feel his eyes on me, and so I continued. "I've never had a panic attack that badly before; I honestly thought that would be the end of me rather than that guy. It's embarrassing and all-around frustrating—I'm sorry you had to do that,"
The thumb from his other hand traced over my cheek where the knife penetrated, and I prayed to Kami that my cheeks weren't warm from the blush that was surely tinting the tops of my cheeks.
"You shouldn't be sorry for something that isn't your fault; had I gotten there earlier, you wouldn't have gone through that to begin with. Had I kept my promise, none of this would've happened tonight."
I felt so incredibly stupid. This whole time I thought he was showing irritability here and there due to my actions, but in reality, he was actually upset at himself. He was blaming himself for what happened to me?
The hand over my forehead set down on his lap, and the other hand at the cut began to heal my swollen cheek. I mustered the courage to look up at him as the glow reflected in his already teal-spectrum eyes.
"Hitsugaya, you did keep your promise; I'm the one that should be sorry more than anything for doing something so stupid." Without realizing it, I'd reached up and set my hand on his forearm as I spoke.
"Please don't think this is all your fault—it's not. You've been so good to me," I squeezed his arm as my own guilt surfaced with my words. "I-I don't deserve your kindness. These past few days—I didn't deserve them. I didn't deserve you and Rangiku treating me like a person, bending over backwards for me, sacrificing your own safety for someone like me. This kindness that you more than anyone have shown me is completely unnecessary; what would people think of you if they found out you kept a whore in your company? Your reputation as a Taichou suffers so tremendously every time you show me care. Hitsugaya, I don't—"
"Kiteyama," he turned my face gently so I had to make eye contact. "Stop telling yourself that you don't deserve it—you do deserve it. You're not an object to be set on the shelf until the need for you arises; you're a person with thoughts, opinions, and emotions—treating you as something that doesn't require interaction is out of the question."
His hand left my cheek, and travelled to the back of my head. He gently traced two fingers along my scalp, and when he saw me wince, he began the kidou at that spot.
"Whatever I do is my business and no one else's—I long ago stopped caring about the opinions others have of me. You don't shame me because of an occupation that you were forced into; don't set yourself to a lower standard because of it—it isn't your fault. And certainly don't use it as an excuse to distance yourself from others; I know you're used to being alone, but it isn't healthy for you—or anyone for that matter,"
Kami, if you could just do me a solid and help me keep my emotions in check, I'd really appreciate it. A couple tears sneaked out over the rim of my eyelids, and in an effort to suck it up, I tried to take the subject off myself.
"Y-You make it sound like you would know firsthand,"
He looked away from me, and as soon as he did I felt completely regretful that I even muttered the statement. I was such an unintelligent worm. Rangiku had said that he was the lone-wolf type, but that didn't mean that he was that way by choice—shit.
"You're right—I also know what it's like. And because of that, know that my statement isn't just empty advice stemming from weak sympathy. It isn't something just for you to work on—it's something I myself need to work on as well,"
His other hand rose to my cheek, and wiped away the escaped tear with his thumb. "If you'd allow me, we can work on it together,"
The blush and heart palpitations were too real—freaking Kami.
"What do you think?" he asked.
There was a small, yet meaningful smile playing on his lips, and I knew instantly that he was trying to help chase away my pessimistic thoughts—that look of his said that much without him having to formulate it into words. Those hues of his that looked into mine sent calming waves my way, and I threw no caution to the wind in allowing them to wash over me. I let a small smile rise on my own lips, and let out a small giggle from nerves—my go-to fallback for any foreign or irritating emotion.
"Sounds like a hard time for you—do you even realize just how much of an asshole I am? I don't think you know what you're getting into, Hitsugaya,"
"Toushirou."
I cocked a brow.
"Call me Toushirou when it's just us," he felt the back of my head with two of his fingers as my brain scrambled from the familiarity allowance he bestowed upon me.
"I know full well what I'm getting into, and I think I can handle anything you're brave enough to throw my way," he pressed his fingers over the bump on my head, and when I didn't wince, he withdrew his hand.
"Akinoyo then, Toushirou," I let myself smirk, wiping my remnant tears. "I accept your challenge,"