Kylo Ren gritted his teeth and withdrew his fist from the wall of his chambers. He had dented the metal of the wall. Again. He regretted letting her in, he gave into a moment of weakness, an inkling of pride he felt. He shouldn't have felt the need to explain himself to her, he didn't need to defend his decisions to anyone.
Yet he had revealed his memories to prove to her that he was human. It was similar to the lapse in judgement he had in the interrogation room when he removed his mask to meet her gaze face to face. He couldn't stand the look she had given him multiple times before, and then again during their third connection. She regarded him as a monster, a creature devoid of human sentiment. She spoke to him from a higher moral ground.
"I know everything I need to know about you."
Of course she wasn't the first to treat him like that, as he had shown her in his memories. When he made himself into Kylo Ren he aimed to become the creature who lived in the minds of his family and his colleagues. They had tried so hard to lead him from the dark, but in the end their control only fueled his transformation.
So why did he want her to know that part of him was still human? He had worked too hard to fulfill the role he constructed for himself only to throw it away in response to her accusations.
No. Kylo Ren did not want her to know his humanness, Ben Solo did.
Another fit of rage washed over him and he slammed his fist into the wall again. He could not let her win. She was unraveling him, piece by piece. Kylo Ren was the only identity he knew that offered him any promise. The idea of returning to Ben Solo would surely bring greater misery, rejection, shame, and failure.
He pulled his fist away from the wall again and removed the glove covering it. Little pools of blood had clotted up at his knuckles.
After joining the First Order he had convinced himself that he wanted to be alone more than anything. He had his whole life behind him, during which he had done nothing but disappoint whoever he interacted with. His parents expected more than he could ever give them. His grandfather's legacy and his uncle's legacy had weighed him down, he had done everything he could to try and fit the mold. No matter how much he read, how long he practiced with his lightsaber, or how long he meditated, he couldn't extract a single word of encouragement.
Snoke had been the first to offer him a significant amount of praise. He craved the attention and also feared it. He had no doubt that Snoke lived in darkness. He represented everything his family had preached against, yet, he remained the only one who looked at him with pride. The only one who spoke to him with any honesty. Ben was more than willing to be seduced if it meant a sliver of emotional support.
But he continually disappointed Snoke all the same. He seemed to live on the end of both extremes, he had too much darkness in him to return to the light, and too much light in him to fully embrace the dark.
This imbalance is ultimately what disappointed her. He could never fully become one or the other. But neither could she. She harbored darkness. Surely she could see the error of the two party system. Kylo wondered if she could sense both sides at war within her.
Earlier in the throne room, his memories overwhelmed him and he broke off the connection early. He did not want to face her after reliving so much pain. He felt ashamed of his vulnerability and fury at his willingness to open himself to her.
I want to be alone.
Kylo forced himself to the ground on his knees to avoid slamming his fist into the chamber wall again. He could lie to himself all he wanted. It wouldn't change the fact that he couldn't stand his loneliness and that he found solidarity in his relationship with her. He remembered the look in her eyes that arose again and again as she experienced each memory through his perspective. Understanding.
Rey hoisted herself onto the main floor of the Falcon, feeling satisfied yet another repair. As she began to put the floor panel back in place she felt a warmth approaching her from behind. She heard a pair of doors whoosh open behind her and the warmth seemed to envelop her as Leia emerged. Rey felt drawn to Leia from the beginning, the embrace they shared on D'Qar formed an unmistakeable bond between them. Rey always knew where she was in the ship, the force signaled Leia's presence with a comforting heat.
As Rey turned to greet her Kylo's force memory flashed through her mind. The sides of her cheeks seemed to burn from Leia's touch and she couldn't bear the thought of Leia leaving her sight again.
Leia smiled warmly at her, "Rey." She cocked her head, noticing Ray's shift in demeanor. "Is something wrong?"
"No no, of course not! I just got caught off guard is all."
Rey's attempts to sound casual failed miserably, and her laugh sounded more like she had choked on a gulp of green milk. Leia eyed her suspiciously, but did not press her.
"Rey, I came to find you because I need us to speak privately. I have a favor to ask of you."
Leia gestured with her head back behind them towards the Falcon's rear cargo hold and Rey nodded in response.
The sheer lack of space the Falcon had did not provide any room for privacy. Leia had been forced on more than one occasion to have her confidential meetings in the tight quarters of the rear cargo hold which now held all of the cargo from both holds on the Falcon due to the front cargo hold's new use as the women's quarters. Rey and Leia squeezed themselves into a narrow opening between two weapon cases and faced one another. The space between the cases was the size of a small closet, with just enough room for two people to comfortably stand.
"Now before I ask you this Rey you must know that I will not be offended if you have no interest in this task. What I ask may make you feel uncomfortable and you have every right to deny me."
Rey watched her intensely, waiting.
"The Resistance has lost all of it's ships and its weaponry, you know that. The Falcon alone will not be enough to combat the First Order, although I know Han would have something to say about that." Leia gave a small smile. "Luke coming to face The First Order by himself and succeeding has reignited some hope in our allies. Some of them are currently building a new fleet of ships for us in secret, pretending that the ships are for their own militaries. But that will take some time. The First Order has spies everywhere that one can obtain ships and parts. They are monitoring Canto Bight and all the other popularized trade routes. They're also going to the effort of visiting each planet with a sizable military to look for resistance sympathizers."
Rey stiffened slightly. She knew where this was headed. Leia noticed her inhibition immediately and decided to get to the point.
"Rey, I'm sure you have heard of the Battle of Jakku."
Rey nodded, "Of course. Only stories."
"That battle was the Galactic Empire's last stand against the New Republic. Two of their most powerful star destroyers, the Ravager and the Indicator, still remain on Jakku. From what information Finn has given us, the star destroyers that the First Order build today are not very different from the specs used during the Empire. Obviously now the ships are significantly larger and have higher tech—"
"You want me to scavenge parts from those ships."
Leia pursed her lips together before answering, "Yes."
Rey stared at her in disbelief, "Scavengers have been looting those ships long before I was born! I have taken things from those ships to sell at the outpost. There couldn't possibly be any parts left that could be of any use to us!"
Leia shook her head, "I hear you Rey, but I sincerely doubt there is nothing left. The Galactic Empire had excellent builders. They could predict where the ship would take the most damage and incorporated backup parts hidden deep within the mechanisms. Their star destroyers have enough parts for two, even three ships. Why do you think it is so difficult to destroy one?"
Rey looked at her feet, saying nothing. The cargo hold suddenly had a chill to it.
"Like I said Rey, you can say no. I completely understand why." Leia hesitated, seeming to consider her words carefully, "I only ask you because I know you would be the most qualified for this job. If you can retrieve some major parts from those ships, our allies can come get them from Jakku without arousing too much suspicion and our fleet will come together much faster."
Rey understood. Leia's plan sounded completely logical, too logical. The First Order would never suspect anything of Jakku. It was a wasteland. No military, no trading, no main city. She hated how much sense it made.
"If I leave then what will you do? Keep circling space like we have been? What if the First Order finds the Falcon? One shot and you will be obliterated!" Rey felt desperate then for a reason, any reason to stay. "If I am gone while that happens I won't be able to forgive myself. We need to try and find a base. There has to be a floating rock with no inhabitants or an island where we can get our bearings." And where I know I can return to you.
Leia shook her head again, "It is too dangerous for us settle into a base right now. I've got a couple locations in mind but I don't want us to settle down without any defenses. We would be sitting porgs there. Once the ships are complete we will send our most inconspicuous soldiers out to retrieve some of the ships over an extended period of time. Even though these planets claim to be allies of the resistance, there is still room for betrayal. We can't let anyone know where our base will be until the time is right."
Leia offered a small smile and brought her hands to Rey's shoulders, squeezing them tightly. "We need to be very patient. We have suffered so many losses, we need to lay low for now. I hate asking you to do this, but if you accept it, you must know that it will help us move forward so much faster."
Rey felt her throat tighten. She knew she couldn't refuse.
"I will go."
Relief spread over Leia's face, "Thank you Rey."
Rey felt numb. After she had agreed to return to Jakku, she barely heard anything else that came from Leia's lips. She would stay on Jakku for two weeks amidst the two star destroyers and she scavenge what she could. If she found anything of importance she was to report it to Leia immediately and then an ally would come to pick it up.
It is only two weeks. Only two weeks. Only two weeks.
No matter how many times Rey repeated this to herself, she could not calm down. The idea of returning to Jakku alone, even though it was for a resistance mission, frightened her greatly. She couldn't stand the thought of watching the Falcon fly away, just as her younger self watched what she presumed to be her parents, fly away to never return.
A loud snort broke through her thoughts and she rolled over to see Connix deep in slumber on top of her bedroll a few feet away. Rey eyed her with envy and slowly sat up to look at the rest of the sleeping female resistance fighters. It was the middle of the night and despite the exhaustion that weighed on her mind, Rey could not sleep. She would leave tomorrow for Jakku. She would leave her newfound family, only to be completely alone once again.
It is only two weeks.
She sighed and stood up. A walk around the circular hallway of the Falcon would surely calm her down. She walked over to the door of the cargo hold and opened it, slipping out quietly.
She rounded the corner into the communal space in the main hold and took a moment to sit down by the dejarik table. The men's quarters lay just beyond where she sat, a curtain divided the main hold in half to allow some privacy. She looked up and jumped at the sight of the ancient Jedi texts spread across the table top. In her half awake state she hadn't noticed them before sitting down, they seemed to glare back at her. Finn must have been looking through these and forgot to return them to the drawer. Her eyes fell on the one she hoped she wouldn't see.
It looked nearly identical to the copy she saw in Kylo's force memory, the one in front of her the tiniest bit more worn. Her hands rose to pull it closer to her, and the emotions she felt from the last time she watched hands that didn't belong to her reach for the same book threatened to swallow her again.
She thought of Leia walking away from her after their meeting in the rear cargo hold earlier that day. It had felt strangely familiar.
Suddenly, Rey heard a strange set of noises echo around the corner of the hallway beyond the curtain. Her eyes narrowed and she silently rose from the table and crept over to the curtain, sneaking a peek behind. All the men she saw were fast asleep, even Poe who usually was restless had a faint pool of drool collecting on the pillow of his bedroll. She smiled to herself and glanced over to where Finn set up his bedroll to find it empty.
More of the same noises broke Rey away from the men's quarters and directed her gaze down the hallway. She moved along the wall, taking careful and small steps. As she got closer she realized the noises were intakes of breath and muffled sounds. It almost sounded like noises of pain, short and small whimpers and gasps. Rey approached the corner of the hallway and peered around to see Finn facing away from her. Just before she could step out and make a witty remark about staying up so late, she noticed Rose writhing on his opposite side. Finn had pinned Rose's shoulder against the cool metal of the Falcon with one hand, and his other hand had disappeared up her bed shirt. His head was nestled into her neck, kissing the exposed flesh. One of Rose's hands was on his back, her fingers gripped the back of his shirt tightly. Her other hand laid over her own mouth to stifle her own noises of pleasure.
Rey felt rooted to the spot. Her mind screamed at her to run back to the cargo hold, to erase this from her memory and to enter a deep sleep. But her legs refused to move.
Finn's hand moved from underneath Rose's shirt to softly caress her cheek. He lifted his head from her neck and took her lips in his gingerly. Rose embraced him tightly, with her eyes closed. Rey watched as their tongues danced with one another and when they broke apart for a second just to breathe Rose let out a small groan that seemed to provide the fuel to get Rey moving. She backed away as silently as she approached and hurried back to the front cargo hold.
Once back inside the safety of her bed roll, new and strange feelings washed over her. Ever since Rose recovered from her injuries after Crait, her and Finn had grown closer each day. Rey had initially felt fairly happy for the two of them. Rose could offer a companionship to Finn that Rey could not. Rey knew that Finn held romantic feelings for her and it crushed her that she couldn't return them. Finn was her first true friend. She trusted him more than anyone else. She could tell immediately that Rose liked Finn and that gave Rey a sense of relief knowing that some pressure was removed from her and Finn's relationship. But Rey also felt twinges of jealousy at their closeness. Rey's friendship with Finn had not altered, but his attention was suddenly divided, and the selfish part of Rey wanted all of it back.
Now, seeing them together like this intensified her jealousy. Rey felt ashamed that she intruded on their not so private moment. She rolled over to face Connix again. It seemed idiotic to her that she felt as though she had lost Finn, but that was how she felt in that moment. Her first friend could not play that same role forever, of course she knew that. Just beyond Connix she spied Rose's empty bed roll and frowned. She hadn't even made it to Jakku yet, but the loneliness she felt lying amongst her peers transported her back to her makeshift home in the desert with no company but the stars.