I felt warm. A weird, yet comfortable feeling around me that seemed foreign, but familiar.
In this state between sleeping and waking, my mind drifted to peaceful imagery of a forest just before daybreak. It was cold, yet the blanket around me and the cup in my hands kept the cool atmosphere at bay as I watched the sun peek over the horizon to light the land. The blanket around me moved, and I shuddered at the cold air that contacted the back of my bare neck. I took hold of the fleeing cover to realize it wasn't a cover at all.
I looked back to see those hues I held above everything stare into me; a smile spreading on my lips at the discovery that it had been him all along keeping me warm. I slid myself to turn fully to him, setting the hot drink that left my skin warm to the side, and placed my heated hands along his crook of his neck and smooth jawline. I took his lips for my own; the gentle touch against my own warming my insides in a way that I knew only he could ever accomplish. Every second of it was like a dream; the way my heart fluttered, the way I couldn't get enough of him—I never wanted it to stop.
He took my hair in his hand; moving it forward to cover my bare collarbone in an effort to keep the cold at bay. From my collarbone, his fingers trailed my neck and up to my roots; taking a delicate hold at the base of my head to pull me into him—a gesture that made those butterflies flutter within me as if they'd stumbled upon a vast field of flowers. He deepened his gentle kiss; making my fingers tremble from the thumping heartbeat his action brought me.
In that moment, I realized that I wanted it all. Every inch of him savored in my memory banks to reference for the rest of my days, his old scars and mine to be smoothed out from one another's touch, the beat in our chests to unify in rhythm—that's what I wanted.
He pulled back from the kiss; caressing my lips with his as we both took a moment to catch ourselves.
"And your new scars?" he asked.
My eyebrows furrowed in confusion, almost making me lose the euphoric upturn of my lips. He continued before I could respond.
"Who would've known a flower like you could have such vicious thorns,"
I tried to pull back, but was frozen in place. My eyes were closed, and the fact that I couldn't open them scared me to my core. He pulled back, the hand that made me so comfortable leaving the base of my head to trail down to the center of my chest—the tip of it pointed and pressing against my chest.
"Open your eyes." A female voice commanded.
My eyes opened to see Koizumi Fumiko; bloodied all over her lips and down her neck, with a gaping hole in her chest. My panicked heartbeat intensified as I felt her wet blood linger on my lips, and when my eyes zeroed in on the torn flesh and pulsating insides of the scarlet hole of her chest.
She traced a circle on my chest to mirror the hole on hers; dragging her nail to penetrate my skin in a harsh slice as she drew.
"Can I really be someone you can forget?" She licked the blood on her lips. "How much longer can you avoid the truth?"
-x-x-
I startled awake; breaking through the warm containment to catch my breath.
"Akinoyo, I'm here," Toushirou cooed as he sat up urgently next to me.
I panted as I tried to assess the situation; looking around the room frantically for the zombified version of Koizumi Fumiko that was here to consume me entirely after licking her lips to emphasize her appetite. I knew that the thoughts rushing through my head were completely irrational and unjustified, but the emotions that stirred from that terrifying nightmare had me completely frazzled. Thoughts of the fact that our previous shape-shifting enemy could do something like that to me was another thought that came roaring back to life and added more weight atop my weakened mind—I was crumbling. I'd dealt with some pretty fucked up things in the past—but this was on another level of absolutely fucked.
His hand over my back brought me back from the storm clouds in my mind, and I snapped my head to him in unintentional response. He reached up to my cheek—the warmth of his hand making my intake falter from the overwhelming fear in the back of my mind that it wasn't him. But, would a fake Toushirou really be laying with me in bed? Or even worse…was this another nightmare?
"You're safe with me in my home—you're okay,"
I didn't realize I was crying until he wiped a tear from just beneath my eye; that small gesture making me just want to give in and trust in every word. I placed my hand atop his on my cheek; pressing the tips of my fingers in between his thumb and forefinger as I looked away from him.
"I killed her," I let slip just above a whisper. "I killed another one—I did it again; I-I—"
He pulled me forward to him; my head resting against the crook of his neck. That heartbeat—I could feel it just beneath my jaw; the soothing sound that made me just want to forget everything else. But how could I? After what I'd done—I didn't deserve that comfort.
"You did it to save Nankai and yourself; you had to, Akinoyo,"
"Did I?" I combatted. "D-Did I really have to take her life?"
All I wanted was to just not recognize that it even happened, but it was too late for that. All the self-loathe I already had just doubled with this event. I thought that I'd finally started to make progress from the last chapter, but here I was—taking my second dosage to grow ever closer to insanity. My reaction when I'd realized she was dead—I smiled?
I smiled.
It was funny to me; my actions didn't seem at all like protective measures for my life and Miyuki's in that moment anymore—it was downright like a child frying an ant with a magnifying glass the more I really thought about it. She referred to herself as a Kami, yet here I was playing the part—screw the technicality of the profession the two of us were once a part of. I had no right to take her life. I could've taken out her legs, or aimed for a place that would've done miniscule damage, but enough to take her out—but what did I do?
My ramblings in these brief seconds were costly; as they kept multiplying in extremities, I could feel myself going back to that place I'd gone to when Miyuki died—the place that I dipped into twice within a month.
"You did, Akinoyo—you had a choice to make, and not enough time to take anything into consideration. You made the best decision with the cards dealt to you, and there is no shame in that."
He took the strands of my hair in my face and shifted them behind me as he spoke. By the way he spoke, it was almost as if he knew he was treading in dangerous waters; he was making sure that his point was getting across, but that it didn't seem like it was completely dismissing my feelings.
"She would have taken Nankai's life, and utilized you to take everyone else's; you made a decision that benefited every person in existence—including me, Akinoyo."
My face scrunched at his words, and I rose my hand up to take away some of the tears on my chin. I knew that, but it just felt so wrong.
"Thank you, Akinoyo," he whispered to me. "Not just for saving me, but for saving yourself. You mean so much to me; the thought of losing you," he placed a soft kiss atop my head, as I let his words seep into my soul. "Is too much for me to bear,"
Kami it was like a hundred-year-old damn breaking. I took hold of his shirt with a vice grip and just let it out. He held me tightly; cradling me like the fetal-positioned child I'd become. I hated this. I hated how emotionally destroyed I'd become over this past month of fucking Hell. But what made it all better was the person holding me in his arms. I hadn't cried this hard in such a long time, but the fact that he was here to feel my pain, and help me make it go away was completely on a level that I'd never even thought possible. I'd avoided this for so long, but the truth was that I needed him. I didn't want to do it, but I had no choice if I wanted to stay somewhat sane—those years of numbness and the blockade of actual fucks to give were ones I never wanted to experience again. While it destroyed my pride of getting myself out of it, I couldn't care less about it anymore. I needed help. And with someone that actually gave a shit about me, maybe he could help me begin to tunnel out of this absolute fucking madness. But still, my guilt triumphed over all.
"I'm so sorry, Toushirou; I d-don't mean to be like this—I'm just," I paused to collect myself. "getting so close to just blocking everything out again that I'm s-scared,"
Kami, all pride was gone. I hope you're proud of yourself.
His arm around me went to my bicep, and in a comforting gesture slid down to my forearm to the palm of my hand. My fingers curled as his fingers spread against my palm; the light tickle of the touch somehow encouraging me to calm to down. He intertwined his fingers with mine, and rose our hands up in front of me so it was in the center of my vision.
"This is why I'm here—to hold your handthrough the thicket. I empathize with what you're feeling—I've been in your shoes. It's a hard feeling to cope with, but it is something you can cope with, and eventually dismiss. There isn't a need to apologize, Akinoyo,"
He took my hand and kissed the back of it before resting it back down at my lap.
"If I am yours, and you are mine, then I will be here when you need me; when you're scared, when you're sad, even when you're angry—I'm here. This is what we agreed upon, isn't it?"
I guess so—didn't mean I didn't feel terrible about it.
I nodded my head lightly, gripping his hand still in mine, and trying to level myself.
"May I tell you something?"
I nodded again.
"What you're doing right now, is something that even I have trouble with—you're letting yourself feel. Instead of blocking it out, you're letting yourself work through your emotions—you're finding the courage to keep moving through it rather than avoiding it altogether."
He took some of the tears from my cheeks, before continuing with the words I already knew I'd hold dearly for the rest of my days.
"You don't think you're progressing, but you are; while these past weeks have been brutal—you're surviving. I know you hate tears, but this is all a part of growth. You will be past all of this one day, and when you look back, it will be nothing but a memory."
I had so many argumentative thoughts about it, but deep down—he was right. While I clutched to the bad and fueled my heart with loathsome thoughts to make it worse—was my way of thinking really right? Toushirou had been through situations like this before; with the way regret tainted some of his words, it almost seemed foolish not to adhere to what he was saying.
Miyuki had alleviated some of the pain by providing distractions and emotional comfort—Toushirou provided the tools necessary for a solution on top of providing that same emotional comfort. What if I trusted his words, and let myself react in accord? Would it truly result in that satisfactory self-reliance and composure I'd falsified for years on end? My pessimism couldn't be stopped.
"And if I can't?" I whispered.
"You may stumble," he squeezed my hand, "but I won't let you fall."
With a choked sob, I cleaned up my face, and tried to get my breathing back to normal. My heart couldn't process what he'd just told me—it beat sporadically through the metaphoric squeeze his words caused.
"Right now, let yourself feel, and we will discuss the situation later; it's good that you're letting this out now rather than holding it in. Tread lightly, and take respite when you need it—just keep moving forward. You will succeed, Akinoyo—you just have to trust in yourself."
Tread lightly, and take respite—with him holding my hand, the pace through the thicket didn't seem all that bad.
"Toushirou," I whispered. "Do you even understand how much your words mean to me?" I paused to sniffle and stifle a sob. "You make me feel like a person; like I matter, and everything that I've done including all the miniscule efforts I've made are worth something. And I love to hear your words, and I love everything that you're doing, but I just…"
My pessimism.
"D-Don't think that I'm worthy of it—of you…"
It was quick.
So soft, and with so much meaning that my heart ached tremendously.
His lips parted from mine and he kept them just hovering—that fractional distance too enticing for me to hold myself back for very long.
"You are, Akinoyo—you just aren't allowing yourself to see it," he whispered.
I hadn't realized it, but his kiss cemented the fact that I was parched; starved from the type of physical contact drenched in emotion that I needed. The tension was too much for me to handle—I'd strayed from it the past weak due to my own self-loathing, but right now, I…
"Toushirou, can we…take that respite together?" I whispered. "Right now—just for a little while?"
He took hold of my chin between his thumb and forefinger—the gentle grip of encouragement decimating the barrier that held me back to a mere flick to crumble.
"I wouldn't have it any other way,"
My lips pressed back against his without even a second passing after his statement. I pulled the fabric I already clung to, and pulled him toward me with such a strength from desperation that I couldn't even begin to fathom just how built up I'd been this whole time. He let me take the reigns of our encounter, and with vigor I assumed command as my heart dictated.
I knew we were both wounded, and I knew to be careful, but I could care less about my own pain-radiating injury—the internal injury was far worse than the external, and I needed to begin healing that gaping hole within me before I could heal anything else.
At the rate I was going, he could sense what I was about to do. As I moved him to lean back against the wall with a pillow behind him for comfort, he took hold of my waist underneath the wound on my side; telling me by the movement that whatever it was I planned on doing, he was going to help me so it would be less strain.
As I turned my body to fully face his, I set my hand on the opposite side of him to support myself for the action I was about to ensue. As my leg shifted in effort to turn my lower half around, he slid his hands down my hips, and over my butt to take hold of my thighs; helping me to mount on top of him like I wanted. We were both fully clothed, but it didn't matter to me—at that moment I just wanted that closeness; the heat of him as I leaned myself against him as we kissed, and his hands trekking along me wherever he pleased.
I took hold of both sides of his face; nibbling his lips and kissing atop those spots to soothe the love-bites that fueled my lustful necessities. His hands were at my hips; fingers ghosting along my sides to cause more flutters of encouragement within me. He was restraining himself, and letting me make the moves; the actions I make would be what he would follow—wherever I wanted to go, he would reciprocate it tenfold. The very next action of mine proving the theory accurate.
I rocked my hips against him; that hardened region of his I grazed against me making my oxygen intake unsteady, and lips quiver. In retaliation, his hands gripped my bottom, pulling me forward into him again to repeat the same motion that summoned elation. His grip was strong, and I knew with it that he was indeed holding himself back; his fingers began to inch around my thighs to meet with the region he wanted most, but he promptly dismissed himself from the area entirely so as not to give in and take control like he wanted—an effort to let me have my way, albeit partially. His hands slid up my sides instead; gently over the wound and to my ribcage; fingers climbing them like a ladder to the fleshy portion he planned to overtake for my pleasure. As I took hold of his earlobe between my fingers to activate the untouched nerve endings, he finally crept to the center of my yukuta just beneath my bosom. He separated the cloth containing me slowly, and slipped his hand beneath the folds to uncover the bra-less breasts that hid beneath them.
He took hold of them delicately; the warmth from his palms so invigorating that I just about had to disconnect the kiss to stifle myself—but I didn't. I remained strong and in control, but reveled in the feeling that he caused. I slipped in my tongue; ready move to the next square on the chessboard to capture my King. While one hand of mine maneuvered behind his head to take hold of his roots, the other slicked down his chest and toward his obi; the tease I was desperate to return the favor with the only thing I wanted before the checkmate.
My fingers slipped beneath his yukata, and crept toward the region that would give him the most pleasure. He didn't squirm, but I could feel in just the way his lips moved against mine that I was trekking a dangerous path; one that would call for him to take the reigns from me and finish off the rest of journey. But I still went on with it anyway; tracing with two fingers the toned V-line from his left hip in a firm press to emphasize just how much I wanted him. His right hand left my breast to take hold of the back of my neck, and with a seductively firm grip of my hair, he broke the kiss; pulling me back just enough to nibble at the tender skin beneath my jawline as I caught my breath.
My hand proceeded; taking hold of him to finally begin my comeback. The cool intake of air caressed the moist skin of my neck where he inhaled; my action causing the reaction I wanted so that the two of us were finally on equal grounds.
As the two of us proceeded, my mind became overwhelmed with emotions that I hadn't thought possible; I was so entranced by him in not just a sexual way that it was almost unbelievable. Never before had I felt so deeply about someone to the point where all I wanted was to be close to them. Even with Miyuki I hadn't felt this way. The fact that she was truly a fading ghost of my past didn't bother me in the least like it had before—I was actually becoming grateful that she was fading; all I wanted now was him. I wanted him to be my everything—I wanted to have a reliance to him, but a healthy one that contributed to rebuilding my self-esteem and my own reliance on myself. The way that he was always here for me was what I wanted to become strong enough to provide to him—to chase his ghosts and atrocities away to make him feel just as important as he'd made me feel. Maybe I was moving a bit fast, but Kami, I hadn't felt this good in the history of ever.
Quick brushes against my skin with his lips made my stomach hollow and a deep breath to fill my lungs in hope of filling it. He'd been going easy on me, and so for his retaliation, his hands left their places to take position at my hips as his lips trailed down my chest. He carefully grazed my skin to make both hands meet at the base of my spine; one following the bone upward while the other travelled downward to take hold of the naturally cushioned region that rested against his thighs. He pressed my back in toward him; causing my chest to protrude forward at him; his soft lips and teeth claiming the valley between my twin mountains as his own.
With my free hand, I traced from his shoulder down toward the hand on my back; calling forth the limb to surrender to my will. He complied, and brought his hand to rest against mine; I took hold of it and moved it to my cheek for a brief moment. After a quick, revitalizing breath of comfort from his palm against my cheek, I moved his forefinger to my lips; brushing them against his rough skin with heated breath in a motion that hopefully had his mind drifting elsewhere. Feeling his breathing change just an increment told me that my effort was not in vain—his elation began to finally reach the point of full resonation with mine as I wanted.
He brought his legs up slightly to pull me closer and cradle me to him; my hand motion on him increasing from his actions that it seemed like the both of us were at a point where we couldn't resist it much longer—as the firm squeeze he made on me below told me.
"You're sure you want to do this?" he whispered before sucking at the tip of the right breast; his fingers beginning to press against my cheekbone in a small form of restraint.
The fact that he was sweet enough to ask me that made me smile; it was the first time a male had ever cared enough to make sure that this was what I wanted—not just what he wanted. I nodded softly due to the light-headedness this entire interaction caused, then collected myself to kiss the top of his snowy-haired head.
"Please," I whispered, sifting my fingers through his hair.
He halted his progress at my breasts, and took hold of me to pull me down to his lips gently; pressing his lips against mine in a long, heart-thumping kiss.
"Promise me you won't over-do it," he pleaded.
I was ecstatic that he was going to let me have my way, but more touched by the fact that he didn't want me hurt any more than I already was from over-exertion.
I pressed my lips against his, and put both hands at the base of his neck before taking a deep breath to prepare for what was coming.
"I promise,"
He took one last peck on our matching, smiling lips—one that implied gratitude of my comply to his request—then removed both of his hands from me to address the situation below.
With a removal of the garment between us, and a firm grab to my thighs to lift me…
Intoxication was finally mine.
A slow, cautious placement atop him putting my worried mind finally to rest.
-x-x-x-x-
If anything happens, look me up on AO3 for the rest of the Fic.
Much love,
-Vi