Kylo ripped the gloves from his trembling hands and knotted his fingers in his hair to prevent him from causing damage to the transport. He paced through the ship, swearing repeatedly in an attempt to calm himself down.
It was near impossible to think of anything besides Rey and how her body had felt in his hands.
He took a slow and shuddering breath. She had initiated contact with him again. This was not what he expected at all. What in the galaxy could have caused her to do such a thing? When he pushed into her mind after she had ran into the maintenance passageway he felt a similar desire emanating from her as he felt from some of his female subordinates. Though her desire didn't revolt him—it excited him. And that is what scared him the most.
Both Luke and Snoke lectured against attachment. It was a severe faux pas for a jedi, it was Darth Vader's downfall. It was a useless distraction from his carefully measured practice. He had denied himself of his budding arousal more times than he could count. The female padawans at Luke's temple had caught his eye during his youth, and the First Order had plenty of female officers that weren't horrible to look at. Any time he caught his mind wandering, he threw himself into training or he unceremoniously wrecked a wall with his saber—anything to eliminate the truth that lay just below the surface.
He was just a man.
And now, in the transport, he felt the physical reminder of his attachment painfully betraying him in his trousers.
He had successfully managed to ignore his attraction to her until this night. As long as he kept his distance, they could share a dutiful and efficient partnership. But the force would not be so kind.
Kylo sat down on a cot in the transport bunk area with his head in his hands, trying to will away his yearning. The exchange didn't seem real in retrospect. He looked down at his hands, free from their leather casings. His palms were sweating. His palms rarely ever sweat. Perhaps he just dreamt it.
He remembered watching Rey climb down the eroding wall of the Ravager earlier that day. She had a lifetime to practice these movements. She made scavenging look like a graceful dance that he had paid to watch. He couldn't look away.
Another rush of desire slapped him in the face. No, it definitely wasn't a dream. For that moment, she wanted him like he wanted her.
He had forced himself to walk away from her. He wanted to consume her. His body reacted before his mind could catch up. He came to Jakku to try and convince her with rationale, to gain a small and significant advantage in their ongoing back and forth. Did this push them forwards or backwards? Maybe he had failed the mission, maybe he hadn't. Maybe he should just march right back to her so they could finish their conversation.
He shuddered at that thought. Then promptly cursed himself for thinking such brash things. It still didn't prevent his mind from wandering back to the feel of the supple skin on her torso, warm and soft on his fingertips. When he found the curve of her waist something thick and primal birthed inside of him. He wanted to grip her there, and lift her body up to meet his height so he could drink her in deeper. That was precisely the moment he drew back, he felt her fear reflected in his own.
It was a mistake.
Kylo's hands tightened into white knuckled fists in his lap. This would all be gone by tomorrow. She had said it herself. The contact in the Ravager was a mistake. She would wake up tomorrow morning and come to this conclusion. Her fear would turn to loathing, like it had all those times in the past. How could she ever want him in this way long term? It was too late for him to experience pleasure like this— especially with her.
But the force, the force had purred between them during their intimacy.
At once Kylo sprang up from the cot and hurled himself towards the nearest wall of the transport and punched it repeatedly. When blood started to drain from his knuckles he ignited his saber and swiftly slashed scars into the dents he had made as though he was trying to erase them. Fresh pain radiated from his hand as he slumped back down onto the cot exhausted and relieved to feel something certain amidst all the emotional upheaval. He had begun to punch walls for this reason, the pain was a constant and familiar feeling that helped him ignore everything else.
Suddenly exhausted Kylo fell back onto the cot. Just before surrendering to sleep he decided that tomorrow he would leave Jakku, and forget about what happened between them on the disgustingly sweltering planet.
Rey awoke with a start and was met with a dull ache that spread all through her body. She looked around to find herself flat on her back in the maintenance tunnel of the Ravager. Her confusion ebbed away quickly as the events of the previous night returned to her. She sat up abruptly, groaning as her tight muscles pulsed unpleasantly. The dim light of the morning streamed into the passageway, looking nearly identical to how it did when he was next to her hours before.
Muttering expletives under her breath, Rey stood up and entered into the daylight. When she reached out with the force she felt him on Jakku a short distance away. Most likely in the transport. It felt like something had balled itself up inside of her chest and restricted her breathing. She wanted to vomit.
The pile of parts glared at her from where she left them the day before, and next to it, her satchel and staff. She had forgotten to take the parts to the drop off point yesterday because of a certain distraction that she was trying really hard not to think about. Shame hit her at the sight. She had one job while she was here and she had completely neglected it last night. She hastily gathered her belongings and lifted the parts easily with the force.
The Resistance would return for her today. The thought should have elated her, but she wasn't sure how she could face any of her friends after what she had done. With Kylo still on Jakku, she had no idea what he would do at the sight of the Falcon. There was no way to warn her fellow rebels of the potential danger, a severe botch in the plan that Leia wouldn't usually overlook. She trudged to the AT-AT numbly. Whatever feelings she had beneath her conscious mind, she wasn't ready to face them. She swallowed forcefully, trying to dispel the torrent of sentiment that brewed inside of her.
As if on cue, she felt the bond open and he was there in front of her. He was clearly occupied with something, because his back was turned and he was bent over. His cowl draped over his shoulders and she felt his apprehension. He knew she stood behind him.
"You're leaving."
He stiffened at the sound of her voice.
He said nothing for a few moments, continuing to tinker with whatever he was working on. Then he stood up, Rey saw him rubbing his thumbs into the palms of his hands. "I'm done chasing after you," he said. He turned to face her with excruciating slowness. The tightness in his jaw slackened visibly when he met her eyes.
She could only stare at him. Was he really not going to address what had happened between them? Her traitorous body had already started to react at the sight of him. She felt lighter, calmer. Somehow all the guilt just lifted away.
It took her several tries, but she finally found her voice. "I don't believe you."
He leaned towards her, his eyes softening and his voice a low whisper, "Rey, I don't want to leave you here."
Her heart lurched at his sudden change in demeanor. She felt the pull towards him again, and used every ounce of control she had left to deny it.
"The Resistance will come back for me. I am not abandoned here."
He sighed.
"I will wait for you to come to me," he said gently. He leaned back up to his full height and he turned around again to continue with what he was working on.
She bristled with anger, or was it fervor? She hated herself.
"You might be waiting a long time!"
He twisted around to look at her, his form had started to fade as their connection began to fizzle out. The faintest smile graced his lips. "I can be patient."
"Rey!"
Rey found herself buried in the embrace of multiple people. Poe, Finn, then Rose. She responded weakly, not yet ready to have a warm body against her any time soon.
"Long time no see, huh?" Poe grinned at her and despite whatever she was feeling she had to smile back at him. He had an infectious smile.
Rose took her by the shoulders and stared at her warmly. "Rey, we missed you so much, the day to day seemed so different without you."
Behind Rose, Finn nodded. "We couldn't believe you had been sent here." He looked down at the sand grimly, "I fought to get you back here sooner. The thought of you being back here alone—" Finn gestured languidly at the barren landscape surrounding them, "I couldn't stand it Rey."
The Falcon had arrived on Jakku exactly two weeks after Rey had been dropped off. Leia had kept her promise. Her reservations about Finn and Rose still lingered within her, but she couldn't help but feel overjoyed at the sight of her friends.
Blinking away the wetness in her eyes she motioned behind her with a tilt of her head towards the ship parts, "When then lets load these onboard so we can get out of here."
They loaded the ship quickly, cracking jokes as they worked. Rey laughed for the first time in what felt like ages. The arching hallways of the Falcon seemed to embrace her as well, she took a moment to lay a hand on the interior of the ship, appreciating the reality of it in her fingers.
A low roar behind her broke her from her trance and she rushed to the cockpit to find the source. Chewie roared triumphantly at her and patted the co-pilots chair.
Rey took a final look at Jakku before assuming her duties. It was her second time leaving the planet, and she felt ready. She knew her parents were gone, she no longer had to scavenge for a way of life, she was no longer alone. She had a community of people who knew her, and wanted her. It would do her no good to linger on her memories here. She resolved then and there, that she would finally let go of Jakku. Let the past die. She closed her eyes and shook her head, trying to dispel him from her mind. She had to move forward, whatever that meant.
"Before I start this meeting, I would like to extend a warm welcome back to our very own Rey." Leia reached out an arm in Rey's direction and the Resistance cheered merrily. Rey flushed at the praise. Poe clapped a hand on her back and Finn let out a loud whooping noise.
Every remaining resistance member was crammed into the main hold to hear Leia's announcements. Rey was jammed in between Finn and Poe, far closer to them then she preferred.
"Her mission to Jakku provided us with some integral parts that sped along the building process for our new fleet of fighters and command ships. Now, thanks to her, we will begin to receive those new ships tomorrow at a temporary base."
All of the members of the Resistance leaned forward at this, their eyes were trained all Leia, drinking in every word.
Leia stood tall with her hands laced behind her back, "We will have a brief stay on Hoth, a planet that was once home to the Rebel Alliance's Echo Base during the stand against the Galactic Empire."
Excited whispers broke out immediately. Leia continued, "We must tread carefully. I have gotten word from our allies that no imminent threat from the First Order is present on Hoth, but I don't expect it to stay that way."
Her eyes narrowed as she looked at each face in turn, "I am calling it a temporary base because we need to keep moving. We will have our fleet delivered to Hoth and once we have everything we will depart to the next location to regroup."
"It is imperative that each of you keep to yourselves. When our allies come to drop off the ships, don't offer any more information than you have to. For security measures I will be informing all of you where our next location is right before we leave. It is too early to trust anyone else that isn't present in this room."
Rey winced. Next to her Nien Nunb nodded his head thoughtfully.
"In addition to that, I am happy to announce is our rekindled alliance with the Wookies." Leia gestured to a very sheepish looking Chewbacca who stood by her. "We have Chewie to thank for the negotiations."
Cheering and clapping erupted around the room. With a raise of her hand the celebrations quieted at once. Leia grinned out at her troops, "I share in your excitement. Our alliance with them is definitely a victory. For now, we must stay focused. We will arrive on Hoth tomorrow. May the force be with us."
Leia gave a curt nod then stepped over to Chewie and began to speak with him in a hushed tone. The rest of the Resistance broke apart to their stations, chattering eagerly.
Rey made her way to the cockpit as swiftly as she could without drawing unnecessary attention to herself. She had managed to avoid most of the Resistance since she arrived back on the Falcon, a pretty impressive feat considering the lack of space. She had only returned for a day, but already the confined space of the Falcon felt constricting to her. Any question concerning Jakku she politely dodged without arousing suspicion and no conversation lasted longer than five minutes. She had nearly made it to the cockpit when she heard her name spoken by the last person she wanted to see.
"Rey."
Rey reluctantly turned to face Leia's knowing eyes. She gulped. They shared the same shade of deep ebony as his.
"Come with me."
Leia began to walk towards the rear cargo hold and Rey followed her like a dog with its tail between its legs. Once they both squeezed inside something inside of Rey broke. Everything she had tried to ignore swarmed every sense she had. She collapsed in Leia's arms and let herself fully lament.
Leia held her close and rubbed slow circles into her back. She didn't ask any questions or demand any explanation. She didn't have to. Rey clutched onto her sleeves and buried her face into the shoulder of Leia's jacket and vacillated between screaming and weeping, both of which were muffled by the thick walls of the cargo hold.
When her sobs had reduced to a soft intake of breath Leia pushed her back to look into her eyes.
"Rey. You will never go back there. I should have never sent you away."
Leia shook her head softly, "Something that happened there changed you Rey. I can feel it. You don't have to tell me anything in detail, you don't owe me anything of the sort. You don't have to answer what I'm about to ask."
Rey felt her bottom lip quivering in anticipation, her heart started to pound faster.
"Did you see my son?"
Rey stared into her dark brown gaze. The color comforted her, it made her feel an other worldly calm.
"Yes." She whispered.
Something that looked like a mix of relief and concern crossed Leia's features. She seemed to be bracing herself for what she would ask next.
"Is there hope?"
She looked pained, desperate, and above all else: hopeful.
Rey answered with what she knew was true.
"Yes."
Author's note:
Hello! I wanted to say hi to all of you who have followed and favorited and reviewed this story. I am so grateful to all of you, thank you so much. It has been years since I have written and your encouragement means everything to me. Each chapter feels like a huge emotional rollercoaster for me to write, so as a result it sometimes takes me a long time to get the words out. I'm much more invested in a character driven plot than an action driven plot, thus patience is required to read this. Action will definitely come in time. I am so appreciative of your support. Thank you so much for taking the time to read.