"Well, I know I should be moving on
But I feel like I'm already gone
Now if somebody'd hold me, save me from
This broken record that's playing in my heart"
-Hollywood Undead, Broken Record
Luna had just finished her breakfast when her mom called out, barely audible over the chaos of the Loud house on a Monday morning.
"Have any of you seen Luan?" Rita tried desperately to be heard, mostly in vain.
"I'll get her ma!"
Luna deposited her plate and silverware in the sink then jogged up the stairs to her and Luan's room. The door was already open so she just walked in. When she saw Luan it was clear that something was out of the ordinary. Luan was one of those people who spread out and moved around when she slept, and yet here she was, lying deathly still in the fetal position with her blanket bunched around her face and covering everything lower. Luna approached slowly and gently shook Luan's shoulder.
"You 'aight, luv?" She asked when her younger sister stirred, "It's getting late and we've gotta get to school."
Luan groaned and shifted so that she was laying on her back and finally opened her eyes. Luna noted that she was in her daywear and could only guess she had never changed into her pajamas since it didn't seem like Luan had gotten up that morning.
"You look fucking awful, dude." Luna said, first making sure none of the younger Louds were within earshot.
Luan grumbled what Luna could only interpret as a sarcastic 'thanks.' She tried to sit up, her elbows buckling a few times before she could push and hold herself up. Luna could only watch as her usually energetic sister struggled to swing her legs over the side of the bed and stand. After a few attempts she merely pushed Luan back down gently.
"Maaybe you should stay home today sis. You're worrying me."
"Yea…" Luan spoke at last.
"Do you want me to stay with you? Nothin' much going on at school today so I won't miss anything." Luna silently hoped Luan would say yes.
Luan hoped for the same thing.
"No, I'll probably just be sleeping anyway." She answered.
Luna still looked worried but nonetheless gave Luan a warm smile. She asked Luan to lie down again, which she did happily, and tucked her little sister in. Luna gave her a kiss on the forehead and headed out the door.
"Feel better sis,"
Luan wanted to tell her to come back, not to leave her alone in the house with her thoughts for the whole day, but Luna was already down the stairs before she could get any words out. Besides, her head was pounding and she didn't think that she'd be able to stand long.
Luan sighed, staring at the wall and listening to the fading sounds of her siblings as they left the house. Her mind went fuzzy as sleep once again consumed her world.
The Loud siblings filed into the old van. Luna buckled her seatbelt and put her headphones over her ears. It was strange, she'd been to concerts ten times as loud as the noise level in the van and been fine, yet often needed something to muffle the sounds of her sisters and brother in the morning.
She shuffled her songs and the familiar beginning of Metallica's Nothing Else Matters reached her ears. As the music played her thoughts shifted to Luan. The comedian was almost always energetic and wore a smile, mornings included even if it was less so. For something to make her act like she did when Luna tried to wake her, it had to be bad. Luna thought back, had Luan really been herself lately?
She realized it had been a long time since Luan had hopped out of bed early enough for her to see. Other then that she'd been her usual self.
No
'The Chortle Portal'
Luan never let her sibling's annoyed reactions or anyone's insults get her down, but that time…
'She did…'
Luna pinched the bridge of her nose, wondering what else she forgot, what she missed, what she paid no mind to.
'It's probably just a passing thing, everyone gets like that sometimes, right? Just stress from school and everything.'
Luna talked to herself in her head, convincing herself Luan would be fine and deciding to be extra supportive, at least until the grey clouds cleared and there were sunny skies ahead.
Luan woke up many times, never getting up or getting a good enough rest to feel better. When she opened her eyes and saw that the clock read 2:46 PM she gave up trying to sleep. She stared into space for an hour and decided to look at the clock again.
Just in time to see the number change to 2:47.
Luan dug her palms into her eyes and let out a groan. She looked up at the bottom of Luna's bed then decided to check the time again.
2:47…
Fuck.
Luan rose like a zombie, complete with sound effects, and stumbled out of her bed, forcing herself to stand. Everything felt strange, like she wasn't in her own body. In the process of going down the stairs she almost fell a few times but pushed to get to the bottom without breaking a bone. When she succeeded she wasn't sure what to do and leaned against the wall, trying to think. Maybe she could eat a little something?
Both her mind and body protested at the thought.
She thought of the other things that the kitchen held, one thing in particular becoming increasingly alluring the more she thought about it.
'No'
'No no nonono."
'NO!'
She realized that she was already halfway there, her body moving on it's own accord. Luan pulled back, she didn't want to do what being there alone would inevitably lead to.
'Well…'
'Maybe…'
It took every ounce of self control she had to make her way to the couch and sit. She grasped the remote tightly and stared at the blank screen of the television.
'Do it.'
'Dooooo iiit…'
Luan was tired of her thoughts.
'You'll feel better.'
The same thing over and over again.
'Listen to yourself."
She desperately tried to push the negative thoughts away.
'You'll be okay...'
There we go.
'If you just do what you know you want to.'
Fuck.
'You're pathetic.'
"I do have a good point there." Luan whispered to herself.
She looked around for a clock and the emptiness in her torso was accompanied by the weight of dread as she realized the one that used to be in the room had been broken a few weeks ago. She'd have to go to the kitchen.
Luan got to her feet shakily, she'd just have to control herself. She walked into the kitchen, plotting a clear path to a point where she'd be able to read the time.
And stopped at the silverware drawer.
'Don't do it.'
'Do it.'
'Don't."
'Do it, do it, do it.'
She opened the drawer slowly, only thinking about all the other alternatives to coming in the kitchen that a side of her one track mind suppressed.
Luan opened the drawer and her eyes fell on a freshly sharpened fillet knife.
'Maybe this is for the best.'
She moved a shaking hand forward and grasped the black handle.
'Maybe this will help.'
She thought back to all the harm she's caused people, her own family included. Especially on April first.
'Maybe this is what I deserve.'
Luan brought the blade closer to her body, taking shaky breaths as she felt the cold metal touch the delicate skin of her forearm.
She prepared to apply pressure and in one quick motion-
The front door jimmied.
Luan's eyes opened wide and she shoved the knife back into the drawer and closed it. She wiped the alarm off her face just as the door creaked open and let a stampede of kids through. Only Lisa went upstairs to do her homework while the rest did their daily job of keeping the Loud house loud.
An explosion rang out.
'And there goes Lisa, doing her part.'
Luan was just about to head to her room when Luna materialized in the doorway of the kitchen.
"Hey sis, I know you gotta keep it calm today but you up for just chillin' with me in our room for a bit?"
Luan cocked her head a bit, none of her siblings usually wanted to spend time alone with her and be trapped with her jokes.
Or as Luan liked to say, stuck in a pungeon.
Nevertheless she agreed to which Luna smiled and made devil horns.
"Rockin'! Can't wait for the night with you, lil sis!"
Luan smiled as she followed Luna upstairs, trying to push the memory of what she almost did not ten minutes ago aside and let herself enjoy the rest of the day to the fullest.
If only it were that simple.
i had a whole big authors note planned out including what i was trying to convey this chapter but im not really feelin it so basically I was going to wait to upload this until after i had at least half of chapter 3 done but i havent had the time or energy to write or do much of anything really and figured id post this now it might be a while before chapter 3 or any other works are posted though anyway thanks for reading, take care dudes