CHAPTER 7.
~present
The wind wept against the flimsy metal and banged against the hard mountain side. Olivia rarely fussed but today she was grabbing on to Andrea for dear life. Her toddler hands held tightly to the cheap sweater Andrea had on, and she buried her fair face on the crook of Andrea's arms.
"Shhh, it's okay darling. Todo esta bien" she murmured the blonde child.
"Mommy, miedo, tengo miedo" the little girl called her mommy. Olivia was too young to explain, and the circumstances were not the best. She would let her call her mother until she was older. Perhaps two more years. When she turns five, she'll understand a little better. She spoke to Olivia in both English and Spanish, who knows where they would end up.
The wind blew with fury all night, but the morning alike always proved to be full on sunshine and birds singing to the aurora.
Andrea got up with dawn break, like she always did. She would dress Olivia and they would strut to the market to find food. Andrea would help the vendors carry cases, watch their carts or cut fruits most mornings, in turn they would give her little scraps of food, or clothes. During the spring she'd collect flowers and sell them to the patrons. She mostly saved that money and they used it during winter when the cold was so harsh that the market would sometimes not open and they would have to walk miles down to buy some food from the town. She didn't like going into town a ragged little outpost, miles away from Puebla. The locals were nosy and Andrea feels like everyone is watching. Although no one knew her here, they were far north from the Hacienda and far south from the city that the chances of finding someone she knew were slim. She didn't want to find anyone who might compromise her safety. The war had quieted in the last two years, the cartels had killed each other off in some instances and in others made truces, perhaps because the presidency of Manzanar was about to end and they didn't know what would come next. The quieting of the war had come on the heels of impeachment and arraignment of the US president. The party had restructured, aided with troops from France and Russia. The UN had supported invasion though it never got to that. Andrea had spoken to her mother a few months ago. She hadn't revealed a single thing, and her mother was just glad she was alive. Richard had been among some of the missing in Chicago, that was almost 4 years ago, her mother had lost hope. Everyone else was safe she had told her. She had asked if she was coming home. Andrea had said that she would eventually.
Talking to her mother gave her hope, she wasn't so alone. Peace was being signed under the new President and hopefully she would be able to return home. She thought of Miranda every day. Sometimes it was pure rage that kept her going. With her moth-eaten clothes and her boots that seemed to be losing more of their sole all the time. Rage that made her get by with scraps of food and old bread. Rage that kept her from not breaking down when she found spiders and insects crawling on her bed. Other times she missed Miranda terribly, she missed the way the older woman just understood her, she missed her piercing blue eyes, her sarcasm, the way she would hold her when the world was falling apart, in the darkest of times.
She missed the promises they had made to each other. Mirada had said she was afraid that the young lawyer would leave, and it was her who left. At the first sign of distress, she left.
Andrea had only ever felt heartbreak for Miranda, but it was soft and pensive. Before Chicago they had never really been in a relationship. This heartbreak was desolate, hopeless, it was tissue and blood piercing inside her chest. It was blood overflowing into blue lungs and suffocating her, it was all the demons that haunted her before. She had taken to cutting like she used to when she was young. The first year out in the Nevada, the cold, the despair led to a few episodes. It helped relieve the stress, but she stopped it. It wasn't a healthy habit it she planned to get out of this shit hole and raise Olivia.
This morning with the warmth of the sun, she dug through her suitcase to find something to put inside her boots, something to not let the moisture in. She found an old velour wrap on the inside pocket. How had she never seen it before? As she unwrapped the item something tumbled out and clattered on the floor. Andrea looked down, dumfounded. The bracelet Miranda had bought her, the eight diamonds and 4 karats over silver. The second item was the pendant she had bought for Miranda but never actually gave her. The 84 numeric pendant she had made specially for her. It all seemed like a lifetime ago, not a few years. She could sell the pieces they would bring in good money, enough to get them a small apartment somewhere. She opts to sell only the bracelet, for some unknown reason she keeps the pendant wrapped up in her pocket. She's right, it gives her enough to find a white washed apartment on the bottom of the Nevada. It has only one room only one tiny window and a stove. It is a thousand times better than the tin roof and the insets crawling. She can buy food at the store now, and she enjoys seeing Olivia play with a doll she manages to buy. Olivia is oblivious to the poverty around her, the fear instilled in everyone's face and Andrea assumes this is what innocence must be like. Here she can get radio new and buy the paper. She reads that a peace agreement has been reached in the US and troops are seizing the illegal government property, the hope is the new president of Mexico will ally himself with the UN and that he will return seized property to its owners too. It wasn't just homes but whole companies were 'absorbed' by the government just like PeMex the petroleum giant was back in the 30's.
"You see darling there may be hope" she smiles at the little girl sitting cross legged on the floor. "I promise I'm getting you out of here, I promised your mother I'd keep you safe and I will do that even if I have to sell my soul"
She has seen a picture of Miranda in the paper, next to a few politicians. It mentioned her as a famous editor, Andrea had crumpled the paper, then she straightened it and saved it next to the pendant. She could try and make a run for the states, call her mother and tell her to meet her there. Perhaps it was too soon, she'd wait until the dust had settled. It was too early to see if the peace treaty would hold. California and a few western states had said they would fight for their independence. It was a statement with no back up, but Andrea did not want to walk into another war.
She'd wait a few months after all the apartment was better to wait in than the Nevada she had lived on for two years. When she first arrived there after days of walking, and hiding. Tear stained, hungry and still in shock she had slept under a tree. She had hugged Olivia to shelter her from the cold, she did not know how to survive on the street, she never had to learn. She was blinded by the anger and disappointment she felt against Miranda. How could she just send her off, clothes and a child? Give her a few shallow instructions on how to get to a far mountain where the government would not intervene. Despite her anger Andrea had chosen to believe in Miranda and follow those instructions, she had chosen to leave Natalie dead on the ground and flee.
Two months into the peace treaty Andrea went down to the market.
"someone was looking for you" an old vendor wrapped in bright sweaters and the smell of cigar told her.
"For me?" she asked afraid that someone wanted to rob her, or take Olive away from her.
"I didn't say anything" he continued "but be careful."
'Who was it?" she asks
"An elegant, older lady," he answers, "she seemed powerful. We all knew she wasn't from here. She had eyes the color of the ocean and hair the color of the sky right after the dawn breaks. Silver and white."
Her heart sinks and her stomach flutters. Miranda.
"Thank you," she says and scurries off. She feeds Olivia that night. She's scared that Miranda would want something else from her. She had nothing to offer. More than anything she's afraid her heart would break the resolve she's made, that her strength would fail her and all she will want more than anything is to hold her.
She decides to leave, pack up their few belonging and leave. She will call her mother tomorrow and by the time she gets to the border hopefully her mother can scavenger up a plan to bring her home. She'd have to tell he mother about Olivia. She doesn't get the time to explain, Miranda finds her before the night is over.
"It's you again" Andrea spits leaving the door open to the tiny apartment.
"You didn't go where I told you" she says
"I didn't know I had to obey the person who betrayed me."
"Andrea, I had no choice! I had to do it, I could not let us both be wandering around Mexico. I had to make sure my daughters were safe! I hoped you would understand"
"I don't. I don't understand Miranda. There is always a fucking choice! You left, when I needed you the most! You have a knack for doing that. Betraying people, forgetting people, reappearing when you've thought it over and it's convenient." She looks down at Miranda's hand she still has the ring.
"Momma" little Olivia coos and a smile spreads across Miranda's face.
"Wow, she is so big and beautiful."
Andrea nods, "she is."
"You don't have to forgive me Andrea, I would not expect you to. Though I would like it. I just had to find you, and give you back your home. The new government will issue back the seized properties to the owners. There will be foreign troops for a while still but I was given your homes first."
She sets a file and a set of keys on the wood crate that serves as table. She looks tired and older. Like two years have aged her significantly. Her hair is slightly longer, still silver and she's wearing simple slacks and a white sweater. The bottom of her hem is dirty, she's been walking around and her face looks sunburnt.
She gets up giving Olivia a kiss on the forehead. She extends her hand toward Andrea as if to cup her cheek, Andrea flinches and she retracts walking toward the door.
"I'm glad you are safe" she says and puts a hand on the doorknob.
"Miranda?" Andrea asks "are you still with .."
Miranda shakes her head, "I wasn't with him. The governor was killed a few months after and we went separate ways."
"Did you fuck him?" Andrea asks.
Miranda nods ever so slightly. Andrea bites her lips.
"Did you do it while you were with me?"
"Andrea this makes…"
"Did you fuck him, while you were with me?" Andrea repeats louder and angrier.
Miranda nods slightly again.
"Did you get the girls back?" Andrea asks.
For a third time Miranda nods. They are waiting at the hotel.
"Where are you going?"
"Home, I suppose. Soon as soon as the border is officially opened."
"Good luck" Andrea says still sitting down on the flimsy plastic chair, Olivia is now on her lap playing with a loose end of her dress.
"You know, the girls are 22. The same age at which I met you. They remind me so much of you. Even after all they have seen recently their eyes sparkle when talk about fairness and hope. I see you in them. I hope they turn out like you, and not like me…. They asked about you. I told them the truth. They didn't talk to me for days. I hope once everything is settled you can keep in touch with them. They like you Andrea" she says sadness dripping from every word she had said.
Andrea makes a shrug and Miranda takes that as a cue to leave. Andrea pages through the papers. Tears stream down again. She can go home. She takes Olivia the following day and they take a bus home. To the city, the grand sky scrapers and the Aztec ruins. Her house is the same. Seems like no one lived here, a few windows are broken and a lot of cleaning must be made but she will hire someone for that. She can do that now. She hires Maria to help her clean the house, and Rodrigo her husband to do minor repairs. They change the dark green carpet and roll in beige one, they take the wallpaper off and paint all the walls grey and pearl. They bring in new furniture and make a nursery for Olivia and amidst all of the changes she phones Miranda still at the same hotel and tells her she'd love to have the twins over for dinner.
Miranda was right, they remind her of herself and Natalie. It was like seeing their younger versions. Cassidy works for the Human Rights Coalition. She wants to head over to the headquarters in New York and keep working with them. Caroline wants to become a doctor and do a few years doing humanitarian work before settling in back in Germany.
"won't that break your mother's heart?" she asks
"She's used to being alone," is all Caroline says and Andrea doesn't want to go deeper.
"Will you ever forgive her?" Cassidy asks as they are leaving the house. Rodrigo would drive them back to the hotel.
"I don't know Cass, I have to forgive myself first. What we lived was horrible. I saw my best friend die before my eyes."
"We know, we know it was the same day mom left" Caroline speaks up, "she wants to come see Olivia before we leave in the next month but she wasn't sure if it was something you would agree to"
Andrea hesitates. She remembers that night, Miranda handing the child of to her.
"I don't think that would be a good idea" Andrea murmurs.
"Come on Andy, we know it was mom's fault. We know how much she hurt you, but she just wants to see Olivia."
"Fine, Wednesday for lunch. She can come"
"Thank you" they both mouth and walk off to the car.
Andrea wasn't there when Miranda arrived, it broke the older woman's heart. She deserved it, she deserved that and more. She stayed for about an hour and left. She took the house in, it looked even more splendid than she remembered. In the hallway that led to the studio new photographs had been hung, there were some from Andrea's childhood, a few with Natalie and at the end there were a few that had been taken from their time here in the house. Andrea and Miranda laughing at something someone not visible in the picture now, there was one of them at the ambassador's gala, and one she remembers vividly, Natalie had taken it in the Plaza they are holding hands. It is in that moment she realizes both women will never love anyone else.
Andrea knows it too, when she gets home and can still smell Miranda's perfume. She had spent the day at an architect's office. She's going to rebuilt the hacienda, back to the days she remembers when she used to spend summers there. She wants Olivia to see it, to love the culture. Next to the child's crib is a handwritten note.
"My dear Andrea,
I understand you don't want to see me. That I have broken your heart. I know that you let down your walls for me, that you left your family's beliefs aside, that you gave me your complete trust as I gave you mine.
I was the one that broke it.
Like I always do.
There are no amounts of apologies that can ever undo that night, or all the cold lonely nights you spent after. And more than anything there is no way I can undo the betrayal.
The only thing I know is that we will never love anyone else, for good or for bad. We are soul mates, and we are bound by a promise we made under the stars and sealed with two rings.
Marriages had never meant much to me before you, but during all those times I spent away from you. I wanted solely to marry you and go home.
I hope time will make you forgive me.
With all my love,
Miranda
Andrea reads the letter twice. She knows Miranda is right. She will never love anyone else. She knows that she will love the editor for as long as she lives. Perhaps she's meant to forgive her again, be the savior for the Ice Queen. She hated betrayal. She had felt it first with Henry her first fiancée and she had broken the engagement off. The difference is she didn't love him. No, not the way she loved Miranda.
"Miranda,
I make no promises, but I do have something that belongs to you. Something I was supposed to give you a long time ago. Won't you join me for dinner. Go to the restaurant by the lake in Chapultepec at 7.
A."
She shows up early, the reservation was under Nieto.
"Andrea, you look lovely as always" Miranda says as she sits down.
Andrea has cut her hair, and she has curled it around her face. She always had an affinity for vintage movies and Ingrid Bergman and that is what he hair looks like. Ingrid Bergman in Casa Blanca. Miranda on the other hands looks toned down. She's only wearing an all-black pants and sweater combination and a thin red belt. Her hair is almost at her shoulder, straightened and styled voluminously and there is barely any makeup on her face. She looks tired, sad and tired.
"I can't say this dinner was expected,"
Andrea smirks, "this few last years have been unexpected."
Miranda gives a dry chuckle and nods.
"I have something for you," Andrea says as she puts a neat white box in the middle of the table.
"I thought that was figurative speech" Miranda murmurs and carefully grabs the box.
"I was going to give it to you once I got to New York to spend that month there, remember?" Andrea asks.
"How could I forget,"
"I bought it that same day the bombs hit LA" she pauses.
"It's beautiful, Andrea" Miranda whispers her breath caught as she admires the pendants hanging from the silver chain.
"Are you sure you want me to have it? It meant something so vastly different then," she stops herself and looks up.
"I am sure Miranda, I once told you we were meant for something grand, remember?"
Again, the silver haired editor nods.
The wine arrives, the appetizers and the entrees. Andrea has ordered sole again, Miranda has ordered steak and asparagus.
"This dinner seems like that same dinner we had remember? I said that it was our last dinner, you said it wouldn't be."
Andrea smiles and sips her wine.
"I wish you would say the same now" Miranda casts a look up at her diner companion and quickly looks down, 'but I guess you won't."
"I am having the Hacienda redone, we're starting this Thursday. We're installing modern feeders and water access for horse stables. I want Olivia to learn to ride, and I'm repainting everything of course. We're doing some insulation, I can't believe how cold it got there!"
"Wow, that's fantastic"
Andrea looks up and smiles, "you're accent."
Miranda laughs.
"Anyway, we're going to plant tulips and roses and make it an organic flower farm. With time of course, the region needs to rebuild. It is still not free of corruption but it is better than it was before," the brunette smiles, "I was wondering if you wanted to come. We're having a ground- breaking ceremony."
"I would like to. Can I bring the girls?" Miranda asks.
"Of course," she answers.
They talk about many things that night. Mostly politics and the house rebuilding and going back to work. The following Thursday Miranda shows up at the Hacienda with her daughters in tow. She hands Andrea a think velvet box. Inside the box is an emerald necklace. It isn't ostentatious, it is a sole emerald wrapped in uneven gold wire and hanging from a thin gold chain.
"I didn't forget," she leans in and whispers, "happy birthday Andrea."
Andrea hurries to wipe the rampart tears that were coming down.
"Do you want to do the champagne toast after the shovel digging?" Caroline asks
Andrea nods still trying to dry the tears and walks off to give directions.
The small ceremony runs deep into the night, "you shouldn't drive home this late"
"I don't want to impose" Miranda says.
"You would never, you're still my fiancée I think, right?" Andrea jokes and Miranda laughs.
"I believe so, neither of us has officially said otherwise." They both look down to their rings and smile.
"then you'll be family for tonight"
Miranda nods, "I'll sleep downstairs."
"I … okay" Andrea doubts herself and shows the girls the rooms. Another guest, someone she works with in the Human Rights Coalition has also stayed the night and everyone else lives nearby or had left earlier.
When everyone is asleep, Andrea knocks and opens the door. Miranda is sitting on the edge of the bed staring at the window.
"I brought you more blankets, it gets very chilly this time of year," she whispers.
"thank you" Miranda husks and twirls around to face Andrea, "do you hate me?"
"I could never hate you Miranda, I was angry and broken. But hate? I could never feel hate for you. I will love you till the end of my days, despite my family, despite you."
Miranda chuckles dryly, "would you still marry me if I asked?"
Andrea nods and feels the older woman take her hand. They stay like that for a long time. Then someone moves closer, neither remembers who, it simply was done. For they had always been a continuation of the other, since that frosty morning at Elias Clarke. Miranda has desperately wanted to get to know that unfashionable girl, and Andrea had from the first moment read Miranda's thoughts. It was as if they knew each other from before, in some other life past. They were meant to always be lovers, over and over and over. In a thousand worlds, in a thousand eras they would find each other. They would always find each other.
It wasn't public, they got married in the back garden of Andrea's city house. Only the twins, Nigel and the judge were present. Olivia was the flower girl. They didn't need anything else and Miranda postponed her return to the states until Andrea finished remodeling the country house.
It took longer than anticipated, five long months to make the soil good enough for the flowers she wanted to plant and build the stables. They went to horse shows and bought two purebred stallions. They restructured the main house too, making sure that it was stable enough and building an extra wing for the guests and offices. To kill the time Andrea helped Cass out with the Human Rights Campaigns, it was her way of giving back to the indigenous people who in a way had saved her during those two harsh years. From outside and in her little perfect world that had been granted it looked like the war had been resolved perfectly. Wrapped in a bow and fixed, the truth is that the country was still in shambles. The governmental structures were weak and vulnerable, it had lost millions trying to seize and return property within a short span of time, many investors and companies had pulled out during the height of the violence and the embassies were barely trusting again.
"Have you talked to anyone in the states about practicing law again?" Miranda asked a few weeks after the remodeling had been done. Cass and Caro were talking of departing soon, school and humanitarian work occupying their mind.
"I haven't really," she said tentatively.
"Andrea?"
"Mhh"
"I have to go soon, it's okay if you want to take time off. You can come with us to New York. Cass will love having you there to help, I will love having you there."
Andrea nods absentmindedly running her fingers through Olivia's sleeping figure.
"Yeah, I think time off will be good" she blinks, "when are you leaving?"
"Whenever you want."
They pack everything the following day. She dismisses the help, they cover everything with white sheets and packing boxes just like they found it six years ago. She puts the crucifix back on the corner of the night table. What would Oliva Nieto think of all this? Of the mess she's made with her life? She'd love little Olivia Rose Aster Nieto as she had decided to officially name her. She would take her little hand like she used to do with her. She would be proud of Andrea's strength to face the world, to fight tooth and nail She would love that she was home, but of Miranda? She wouldn't like it. She'd love Miranda, everyone admired Miranda, but she would not agree with their marriage. It would make her sad.
The drive to the airport is as everything in this city long and plagued with traffic. The airport is on the other side of the city. Miranda holds her hand the whole ride, as the drive past the old buildings painted over tenths of times, past the beggars on the streets, the little kids face dirty and eyes in pain. She holds her hand through the long street art walls that cry out for the disappearance of their family members, of their kids. They drive past the tents pitched on the corners of the streets, clothes airing out in lines and smoke of something cooking. They drive past the national flag undulating in by the army base, they drive past Mexico as, "I wish you love," plays soft jazz notes in the background of the scenes.
"I wish you bluebirds in the Spring To give your heart a song to sing," past the palm trees still lining Reforma and the Angel of Independence.
"My breaking heart and I agree That you and I could never be," past the bushes outside the airport gates.
"We're here," the driver announces leaving both women outside the private entrance to International departures. There are journalists and reports that weren't expected. Miranda looks at Andrea, "I didn't know"
"It's okay," Andrea murmurs she pulls in Miranda for a long kiss, breathtaking and agonizing. It was as she wanted in that last -minute kiss, inside a black tinted Cadillac to say everything Miranda already knew.
Miranda smiles at her younger lover, the girls have already climbed the stairs aided by the bodyguards and security. How easy it was to slip back into what her life had been, how natural it came to all of them.
"Caroline! Cassidy! What are you doing here? What do you think of your mothers wedding? Any comments on the pre-liberty involvement with the carterls?"
The twins shake their heads and climb quickly.
Miranda exits next aided again by the security team and the chauffeur who puts the suitcases in the care of the attendant.
"Miranda, Miranda! Miranda! Unas palabras! A few words! How has your stay in Mexico been? Did you run away? How do you feel about the loss of life at Elias? Did you know before? Miranda! A smile! What of your new wife? Have you been with her all this time? Andrea Sachs!" Miranda smiles like she always does, sunglasses on, dark Armani dress coat wrapped firmly around her and beige Narcisso Rodrigues palazzo underneath. She looks like she always does, like a goddess that Venus would be jealous of.
Andrea looks beautiful too but she can't walk behind Miranda. She has gotten out of the car, Miranda is distracted for a moment then she watches it happen. Paris right before her eyes.
The cameras keep flashing, "Miranda! Donde esta Andy! Where is Andrea? Is she coming with you? Can you show us the ring? Will you go back to Elias Clarke? Miranda did you get involve with the mafia?"
"Good-bye, no use leading with our chins / This is where our story ends / Never lovers, ever friends / Good-bye, let our hearts call it a day / But before you walk away" tears pooled in her eyes.
Miranda fakes a smile and turns around seeing Andrea get on the car and leave. Maybe it was never meant to be, but it still hurts like hell.
Amidst all the flashes and clamor she could hear the breaking of her heart.
Yes, Miranda love her more than any other silly person in the world.
Perhaps she's right to walk away, Miranda would hurt her again, that's what she would do and the contents of how the Dragon Lady drove away yet another lover would spill over Page Six. No, she would not try again. She had already tried, she wouldn't force Andrea. She would watch her from afar, love her from afar, let her be.