I was off the window and in the Titan's mouth in seconds. Perhaps that's why it didn't seem real when the jaws snapped shut behind me.

I was squished to the roof of the beast's mouth by its tongue. My whole body was swiftly becoming damp with saliva as the muscles around me contracted, preparing to swallow. I was still screaming. My mind was buzzing, my eyes darting around so quickly that everything I saw was a blur. Asi's face flashed before my eyes. What would he do on his own? Would Erwin look after him? Would he be sent to the Underground? Would he be a project like me?

The throat of the Titan widened as the tongue moved me backwards, liquid pooling around me. I couldn't let this be the end. As my resolve kicked in, so did my instincts.

The Titan's tongue pushed me backwards and down the throat. I closed my mouth and eyes as the wave of saliva rushed over me. Thrusting out my blades, I dug them into the wall of the Titan's throat. I could feel the Titan choke, the muscles of its throat pulsing all around me. Pulling one blade from the wall, I angled it diagonally, beginning to hack away at the flesh. Blood washed over me as I worked, forcing me to shut my eyes again. It was slow work, and with my lungs screaming their protests at the lack of oxygen, I was getting more and more desperate with each second.

After what felt like hours, my blade poked through to the outside. Hope blooming in my chest, I sawed faster, eventually dropping my blade all together and forcing my face against the hole in order to breathe again. I gulped in huge breaths and then started to shove myself out of the Titan's neck.

First, my head.

Then, my shoulders.

Next, my torso, my hips.

And, finally, my legs.

The orange light of the sunset was a welcome sight as I dropped from the Titan's falling body. I fell at the same pace as it did, landing on its belly as we both hit the gravel. The wind blew roughly and I shivered, my vision losing focus. Blood dripped from my hair and landed on the monster's skin where it evaporated. I didn't dare blink. My adrenaline was wearing off. I was trembling. I turned my head to find Erwin standing above the severed nape. His eyes were horrified and bewildered. He was staring at me.

I looked around. Green capes encircled me.

They were all staring at me.

But, why...

I raised my shaking hands into my line of sight. They were still coated in Titan blood, steam erupting all around them. My heart nearly stopped. I had...did I? Was I eaten?

A small sob escaped my lips as terror overcame me. Tears made tracks down the blood on my face. My sobs intensified into wails, and wails into screams.

And there I sat.

On my fifteenth birthday.

Covered in Titan blood, surrounded by onlookers as I completely fell apart.

—T—

The ride back to headquarters was grim. The mission had been a success, but we all knew the rewards were far from worth the loss. I gazed painfully at the line of bodies laid out on the wagon before me. My horse had been killed. Those without horses were to tend to the dead on our journey to the walls.

It wasn't an easy job. But it was necessary.

I didn't know many of these people, however I recognized two of the bodies as those of a married couple I'd seen around the mess hall. The Arlerts? If I remembered correctly, they had a seven year old son. A boy who would now be an orphan.

My eyes fluttered down to focus on my folded hands. We'd been travelling for a good three hours in complete darkness, and everyone was on edge. Movement after dark was strictly against protocol, but the Commander had overruled the soldiers' protests and given the order to move forward to Wall Maria. Our wagons were filled with the wounded, our trailers stacked so high that the corpses of the dead were in danger of toppling over. I swallowed thickly and rubbed my hands together for warmth. I didn't like moving around with so little visibility, but I knew Erwin was right. We couldn't afford another night out in the open.

I wanted to go home. I wanted to see Asi. I wanted to take a shower and wash away the stickiness of the blood I was dowsed in not three hours ago. It had evaporated by now. But I could still feel it.

I chose to tend to the lanterns to distract myself. They were running low on oil; they wouldn't last more than another hour or so. Luckily, just as that thought crossed my mind, the head of the formation called back that the Wall was in sight. Relief rippled through the Scouts, but we stayed on edge. There was no telling what could happen even right outside the gates.

As we grew closer, the bustling of the Garrison soldiers became audible as they moved to open the gate for us. Torches now lit our path, allowing us to see their faces. Mostly, they looked annoyed, irritated at being out at the Wall so late. The gate scraped and screeched as they pulled it open. I could hear the soldiers around me sighing in relief, some beginning to cry quietly. This had been the first expedition for a lot of us. And a lot of us didn't live to see the second.

Riding on the streets of Shiganshina was crushing, and I found myself silently thanking Erwin for making the call he did. If we had waited to return in the morning, we'd be facing the people of this town. We were all gravely silent as it was. Together with the glares of the disapproving, our losses just might've consumed us.

Today was a success, but I had a feeling that there was no way to "win" in the Survey Corps.

—T—

The shower head whizzed as I turned the knob to start the water. The bathrooms were empty by now, as it was nearly two hours past curfew, leaving me to have the little hot water left over after it was distributed to the entire legion. Everybody had seemed eager to wash the evidence of today down the drain.

My fall from the Eight-Meter today had landed me in the infirmary with two broken and one bruised rib. I'd been in there all day.

I pulled the rest of my uniform off, having already disposed of my torn and soiled jacket upon arrival to HQ. My clothes dropped unceremoniously into a heap beside the shower stall I would be occupying. I pulled the band from my black hair, letting it fall out of its loose ponytail and down my back. I turned to look at my reflection.

I wasn't so surprised at my appearance, but it didn't do any favors for my mood. My usually tanned skin was pale and pasty, thinly stretched across easily countable ribs. My physique had improved marginally since my recruitment, as now a noticeable ripple of muscle accented my unhealthily thin frame. I'd always been small for my age, most likely from years of malnutrition, but the ability to stand tall was a trait I prided myself on. In the cold, white light of the bathrooms, though, I was slumped in on myself in defeat, counting the purple and green bruises that splotched my filth coated skin. A morbid smirk twisted my bloodied lips. I looked like a corpse.

I pushed back the curtain and stepped under the spray. After a couple hours without use, the water was warm again, which was greatly appreciated by my aching muscles. I closed my eyes and pushed my black hair back off of my face. Slowly, as not to make any noise to disturb the tenants, I slid down the far wall of the shower and into a sitting position. My arms and legs were still sticky from the Titan's saliva. My eyes burned and I clamped my hands over my mouth to muffle my sobs. I had been allowed to return from the infirmary long before curfew. But, I waited for everyone to retire. They didn't need to see me cry twice in one day.

Or twice in one life, for that matter.

"Okay, kid, let's take a break," Fran panted, sheathing her blades. "I hear they're serving desert today for yesterday's success. We aught'a get down there before Hanji takes our share." She joked, clapping a hand onto my shoulder.

I shot her a smile, although it didn't quite reach my eyes. Her cheery expression melted into one of sympathy. The mess hall was somewhere I was hesitant occupy at that moment. If breakfast had set a precedent of any kind, all that would greet me were whispers and stares because of my stunt beyond the walls.

Unexpectedly, Fran reached out and pulled me into her chest. My head was wedged under her chin and against her collarbone, which dug uncomfortably into my forehead. She was a terrible hugger, I noted, but a small, fond smile breached my lips as I hugged her back. In the short time I'd been here, Fran had become the mother I'd missed out on. She was warm and caring, but also strong and dependable. I was thankful.

I pulled back, glancing around the training grounds to see if anyone had witnessed our display. I was relieved to find the grounds empty. Fran ruffled my hair, stepping back with her hands on her hips. "So," She smiled. "Let's go get that pie." She commanded fondly and turned to head to the mess hall.

I hesitated in following her, looking down at the blades in my grip. "Um, actually!" I called after her. She looked back with raised eyebrows. "I think I'm gonna stay out for a bit." I gestured to the practice cutouts with my blades. She looked surprised and then, to my awe, turned and saluted me, pride blasting from her sparkling smile.

I grinned to myself as she turned and strutted inside. Shifting to face the lines of practice dummies, I readied my blades. I was doing this. And, I was going to get it right this time. The swords still felt awkward in my grip as I raised them into position.

Memories of Levi flashed in my mind. When he'd fought off that titan yesterday, he'd held them...like this. I flipped a blade backwards. The way he held them fit his fighting style. With one blade backwards, his spinning affected his swords to be one long and continuous slice.

I flipped the backwards blade back into its correct position. The proper way to hold them went along with the way we'd been taught to kill a Titan. You kept both sharp ends on the outside of your blades so that, when you attacked the nape horizontally, you could make a substantial overhead slice in the flesh.

...Wait.

My eyes widened as it hit me. That's why my slices weren't right! My attacks were always underhanded! So, if I was slicing from my chest outwards, I needed my bladed ends on the inside, right?

To test my theory, I sheathed my blades and released the handles off of them. Then, flipping the handles upside down, I reattached them to my blades, pulling them out backwards. I held them out to look at them. The swords were blunt on the outer edges and sharp on the inner. I readied them into fighting position and grinned. They had the same weight and all, yet they somehow felt much more comfortable.

I fired off my gear, swishing into the air and onto a practice trail. Dark clouds were building above the tall trees, alerting me to oncoming rain. I smirked. If Mother Nature wanted a race she had one. I'd beat her goddamn rain.

The fake titans were all in place already, allowing me plenty of notice in my approach. I raised my blades to be parallel with my sides, striking out last minute to dig them through the leather practice nape. This time, I felt it. My weapons slid deeply through the material, which took a little more muscle to pull off, and exited with a satisfying swish.

I didn't need to look back. I'd figured it out.

Our next expedition wasn't scheduled yet, but, this time, there was no way I'd rely on my comrads.

With a new fire in my eyes, I launched off the tree and down the remainder of the course. It was a vow I would eventually have to break, but, at that moment, it gave me the assurance I needed.