I didn't want to believe Jace.
I didn't want to learn that I'd been lied to over and over again in my pathetic excuse for a life. That once again, I'd been tricked. But there was still the matter that Jace had done the first few things.
"Even if that's true," I kept my voice steady so as not to let him hear how shocked I was. "Why did you push me in the first place?"
Jace closed his eyes and didn't open them as he responded. "I was trying to protect you. The-,"
He didn't finish. "Bull," I snapped. Like I'd fall for that. Again.
"Let me finish," he snapped right back. "I knew the demons were there and I knew you couldn't see them. The exits were blocked and there was no getting out. I knew Valentine was dangerous and hunting his daughter but I had no idea…not until detention that one day. So I hated myself for it, but I brought you to the roof. Because it was the only way."
I rolled my eyes, but when he didn't say more, I questioned him further. "So why not tell the truth? Why not just push me? Why all the hate?"
"One, you would not have believed me. Not if I didn't have the time to explain it properly. Two, I had to say those things to keep you away from me. Valentine tracked you to my house. I knew instantly that he would track me for ages after that. Even if I didn't know you were Valentine's daughter, I wanted to keep you away from me. All I could give you was danger. I'll admit I may have taken it too far."
"Too far?" Appalled, I dared a step toward him. "You could have stopped with just the words. I probably would have thrown myself off the roof, in a less harmful way. You could have stopped with the pushing, but you wrote a letter-,"
Jace bared his teeth and growled, "I did not do that."
"I don't care!" The sun was starting to come up and we would be found soon, so I didn't bother to keep my voice low. "You could have stopped with that. Instead, you came back. I was so close, Jace. So close to being okay. So close to finally forgetting the things I felt before that night. And then you decided to just—show up! And you could have even tried to keep your distance, to give me space. If any of what you're saying is true, you would have actually cared about me-,"
"I didn't stay away because I couldn't! I could not stay away from you," Jace was panting, his eyes flashed. But once the words were out of his mouth, he broke eye contact and lurched backward a few steps, as if repulsed by his own speech. "I'm sorry, I didn't mean to…to say it…that way…"
"How did you mean to say it," Not a question, but a command. By fingers were so tightly clenched I might have punctured my skin, but I savored the pain. Anything was good, as opposed to the tightness of betrayal, of crime, of shock.
"You'll want to sit down for this."
0.o.O.o.0
Jace P.O.V.
To tell the truth, I didn't really want to tell her at all. It would only cause her severe pain; the kind he couldn't watch her experience. But he knew, deep down, he'd have to tell her someday. He just hadn't thought it would come so soon.
"I fell in love with you immediately. How old were we? Nine? Well I watched you for a few days. I watched the bullies as they teased you, constantly biting down on my own unfounded rage. I watched you bite them right back. Even when you left with bruises, you made sure at least one of those stupid hellions left with one of their own.
"I don't exactly remember why I was so renowned, but I was thankful for it when it made them stop hurting you. And you went through so many different boys and I felt sorry for them because I knew they couldn't handle you and your fire. At least, I felt sorry for them until they broke your heart. Sometimes, you didn't even realize. But every lost one took a chunk out of your precious heart, even if you had broken up with them.
"So one day I just snapped because I wanted you for myself, so badly. I was so positive I wouldn't hurt you, that I wouldn't let anyone hurt you. I was a Shadowhunter, I could fight off any threat. But I never considered that threat would be just as talented and twice as brutal as I was, with just as much of a desire for you.
"That party was such a bad idea. I knew it would draw so much bad attention. But I didn't want to go without you. By that time, I had gotten so caught up in you that I didn't want to go anywhere alone. I was so scared of leaving you behind. I was gonna tell you that night, how much I loved you. I would do it near the end of the night, when I knew nothing would happen.
"I thought we were in the clear around 11:45, and I was heading in your direction when everything went to hell. I knew at that moment I would never be able to love you again. I'd have to stop feeling that way for you. That's part of the reason I said all of those horrible things, after I realized you were too damn stubborn to go easily. I figured if I hated myself enough, I would believe I didn't deserve you. I didn't deserve your love. I don't.
"The unimaginable horror when I saw you fall…I couldn't even catch my breath. I double checked to make sure you were passed out beforehand, but I did make sure none of your injuries were fatal. I was the one who called Magnus to make sure you were fully informed of everything that went on that night. Somehow, he knew about the rest. I knew it would never make up for the horrible things that I did, but I thought it might help to ward off the nightmares."
It hadn't, though I doubted it many any difference to her. I felt as if I hadn't slept in years.
Clary stayed silent, and I hovered, eyes glued to the ground, anxiously awaiting her answer. Minutes passed, and when I finally looked up (to ensure she was still there and still breathing) she opened her mouth to speak. Something in her eyes made my heartbeat speed up immediately.
But she never got the chance to answer me. Seconds later, the door to the roof slammed open and the two of us were no longer trapped together.