Help. I just got a tumblr and I am navigating it about as well as a beached whale.

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I blinked up in the darkness. Tomorrow was Christmas Eve. I had spent the past two weeks finishing my piece as Erik's present, as well as a warm scarf for him. It was white, soft wool. I was quite proud of it.

My baby had been restless lately. When he moved, it felt like little wings fluttering inside me. Since the baby was, to Erik and my knowledge, due on Christmas, it made sense that he had become eager to come into the world.

I was not so eager, especially after my false contractions two days ago. Though I wanted the baby here, I didn't want to endure the pain of pushing it out of me. The first contraction I had felt sent me into hysterics. The blood had drained from Erik's face, but he had calmed me, soothed me with logic. As this was my first child, the birth would likely be long and arduous, so he had no need to get someone until we were certain. Should I actually be giving birth, he would get me chloroform before leaving, just a bit to calm me. He already had found a few midwives, all of which he would find when the time came. I would be perfectly safe alone for that time. He told me I would be. His words had calmed me for the time, but more so once I realized my body had deceived me, and I still had a little while before I became a mother.

As I lay in bed, considering all this, I began to cry. My body trembled with fear. I didn't want to give birth. The pain from the false contractions would be nothing compared to what was to come. Erik had gone on and on about how he would give me proper doses of chloroform, but I knew there would still be pain. A lot of pain. And it was all for a baby I had not even wanted. It was good now that I loved it, but I wished... oh, I wished I hadn't spent a single night in Raoul's arms now! Especially since I could have left here, I could have been free, but with the baby... with the baby, I had to stay. If I left, I would have to leave it with someone for most of the day in order to provide for us both. Here, if Erik continued behaving as he was now, I would always be with my child, never having to leave him or her for any reason.

I had considered returning to Raoul after I had given birth, but I couldn't fathom it. He would insist we were married then and there, when I no longer desired a part of his heart or to live the life of a victomtesse. Perhaps I could explain to him, but then he might insist on buying an apartment for me and supporting my child and I. Then I would be indebted to him, though, and if I was to leave here, it was for absolute freedom. No debts, no arrangements, I wanted to make my own decisions. There was no good one for me now, though. It felt like it was either me or the baby.

How wrong it was for me to wish this, but... I wished it had never existed! That only made me cry harder. I loved my baby, I would love him or her, but I wished I could go back and change what I had done. My own act of freedom had chained me down.

Why did it all have to be such a mess? Life was such a miserable mess. Even Christmas would now be full of dread, as what if the baby came when it was due?

"Christine?" Erik called into my room, pushing open the door just wide enough to permit his head. "Are you all right, my love?"

I continued crying weakly into myself, shaking my head in reply.

"What is it?" he asked. "Tomorrow is Christmas Eve, why do you cry?"

I reached for him for comfort, and he let me entwine myself about his middle. He patted my head.

"Are you afraid of the birth?" he asked. "How soon it is?"

I nodded. "I'm not s-strong enough. I can't do it, I can't-"

"You are more capable than most, I assure you."

"Erik, I tell you, I can't-"

"Christine," he said firmly, grabbing my shoulders, "I don't want to hear any more of this. I will get you a good midwife, and provide chloroform for you when you require it. Most women have to do without the latter, and they have succeeded, so so will you."

"Will the chloroform... really dull the pain?"

"Yes. It is used for surgeries, my dear, and many women use it now while giving birth. I will be sure you get adequate doses."

I sniffled, "W-will the midwives... let you in, though?"

"I told them I had medical expertise, and insisted that I would be there to give you it. But I am not permitted in the room after the birth. They insisted on that, that the mother should be alone with the baby for some time. They even told me I should get someone to care for you while I worked, as you needed to be alone with the baby for as many days as possible, and you would not be able to resume household duties for some time. But, evidently that does not apply to us, and I will be caring for you." A pained expression came over his features, and he ran his thumb along my jaw. "It's not going to be so terrible. I'll be sure it isn't for you... And, even if it is, you'll have a lovely little baby to care for afterwards. That will take away any memory of pain."

I nodded. He dabbed at my eyes with a handkerchief as I exhaled shakily.

"We have Christmas to look forward to first," he offered. "I've already ordered a goose for us, and one of those log cakes people have... You can worry about the birth after Christmas. Promise me you will wait."

"I'll try," I replied. "Hopefully it's late, and it won't come till after."

He kissed the top of my head. "Hopefully..."

I continued to cling to him, steadying my breathing.

"Thank you for comforting me," I told him.

"It's my greatest pleasure in life."

"I have no doubt..."

He was silent for a moment, then asked, "Will you leave, after it is born?"

"I don't know..."

"You don't know?" he asked, quite enraptured.

"It will just depend."

"On?"

"The child. I will do what is best for my child."

"I didn't say you could marry the vicomte, though," he insisted, failing to sound gentle. "You will still be my wife under the law. You wouldn't commit bigamy, would you? Nor be divorced."

"Erik," I sighed, "would you cease forcing me into things? Especially ones I don't need to be forced into... I don't love Raoul anymore. I've said this again and again. I don't want to live the life he wanted for me. There's no choice for me save staying with you or going out on my own, likely while staying with the Girys for some time. But this child, in my mind, is neither his nor yours. It is mine alone. If you can take care of me and my child better than I think I can do on my own, then I will stay. But only if that."

"Then you will stay," he told me, brightening. "I have already given you everything you need to care for it. I've never seen such a lovely nursery in all my life. You wouldn't take it away from that, would you?"

"I don't know... please don't ask me again. I will tell you when I make my decision so that you can try and convince me otherwise."

"You will stay," he said firmly. "I know you will choose to. You wouldn't want to raise your child in the city, would you? Or let it to be without its mother for some time during the day-?"

"Erik, please!" I said, tears welling up painfully in my eyes. "I don't want to think about it now. It upsets me."

He was silent for a moment, then he nodded. "Yes, it must... No more about it until after Christmas, then you can decide... Now go to sleep. You need to be well rested."

He turned to leave.

"Wait," I asked. "W-would you lie down with me for a minute or two? So long as you don't accidentally fall asleep?"

He hesitated, staring at the place beside me with hunger in his eyes. Then he shook his head, turning away.

"It wouldn't be wise," he told me.

His eyes had clouded over. He shut the door behind himself as he left.

...

The following morning, I woke up at ten o'clock. Erik was happy that I had slept in, and made me toast with lingonberry jam. It had become my habit to eat three or four slices in the morning, and I never grew tired of them. The baby had interesting tastes and stayed true to them.

"What shall we do?" Erik asked me.

"Well, traditionally we would go to church," I explained, "then have dinner and stay up most the night opening presents and being with those we love, but, as we are not in the same situation, we'll have to change it a little. I assumed we would do that jigsaw puzzle you bought, maybe play some chess, things like that, until tonight, when we would have dinner together before opening gifts, and perhaps singing carols. That sounds like fun, doesn't it?"

"Why wouldn't it?"

"Exactly. Oh, I wish you had experienced a Christmas in your childhood, though," I sighed. "That's why I get so excited today. Even though I was poor most of my life, I remember it all so fond-"

My eyes widened in fright, and my heart plummeted. I stepped back from where I stood to reveal a clear puddle. I stared at it for a moment, stupefied, before the pains started, slowly and steadily, and I clutched my stomach.

"It's real," I whispered, my heart beating wildly. "It's real... Oh, Erik, help me!"

"Upstairs, come with me," he said, as calmly as he could manage. He wrapped an arm about me.

I was already crying. "I'm sorry, I'm sorry-"

"What for? Calm yourself-"

"Oh, it wasn't supposed to be like this!" I moaned in pain as he helped me onto my bed. "A-and on Christmas Eve-"

"How bad are the pains?" he asked.

"Not... h-horrible, but bad."

"Let me get you settled, then I'll leave. There's no hurry with this. It should be some time before the baby comes..." He propped me up on pillows. "Are you comfortable?"

"A-as much as I can be... Oh, Erik, I'm frightened!"

"It's fine, it's fine," he pleaded, patting my head, as if that would help. "But... I'm going to get the midwife now-"

"The chloroform-"

"You should be fine. I'll give it to you when I come back, I promise. I'm concerned that you may be moving along too quickly. Try not to push yet, if your body feels like it. I'll be back quickly."

He rushed out the door. I called after him, but my only reply was the front door shutting. I cried and cried until my eyes ran dry, and then I found myself talking to my child, like a madwoman, in a soft voice between my moans. The pains were getting worse, that much I knew. I whispered prayers as my fists grew tighter into the bedsheets.

The front door opened. I called for Erik with a broken voice, and heard him coming up the stairs. There was only him, though. Why was there only him?

"Two aren't at home," he said, visibly shaken and panicked. His face was white as his mask. "I'll have to go fetch the other... How are your pains?"

"I want the chloroform," I pleaded, moaning again.

He hastened to retrieve it, and when he returned, he tilted my head and placed it over my nose and mouth. I had hardly inhaled the sweet scent once when he withdrew it. The world was splotched with ink. I felt him raising my skirts to look beneath- or perhaps I saw it- and at that point, I did not care.

He said something to me, then ran back out the door. I blinked tiredly as the chloroform wore off, and the contractions increased in both frequency and pain. Erik must have gone to get another midwife.

I heard the front door open again. I called his name, and was greeted with a woman's voice. My body relaxed in relief before tensing as the pains continued.

A woman entered the room, perhaps forty years old, and she was wearing a red dress with fine embroidery on the edges and a brooch set with a white gem on her breast. Who was she, then? Midwives wouldn't wear such things for a birth.

"Hello, I'm here to stay with you until your husband finds a midwife," she said. "I've had five children myself, so don't fret. Is this your first?"

I nodded, moaning with a fresh pain.

"I didn't have the luxury of chloroform, though," she said, and I realized she must be trying to calm me with conversation. "My husband didn't allow it."

"Why not?" I whimpered.

"Thought it might hurt the child. Nonsense, in my opinion, but I had already delivered two without and I didn't see much reason to debate with him. I wouldn't want the children to see us disagreeing, either. They need to know what a good, healthy marriage looks like."

"When will my husband be here?" I asked.

"Won't be another ten minutes, I think... Do you want to hold my hand at all, my dear?"

"I might break it."

She laughed politely, "Yes, I know the feeling... It's very important to stay calm, for the child's sake. It's enough excitement for him already without the mother making a fuss... Do you have a nursery ready? It helped me to see my child's things as I gave birth. I had a cradle at the foot of my bed with two little blue socks in it."

"Through the door," I said. "The... l-left one."

She opened it. "Oh, how convenient is that? Can you see it through the doorway?"

"The wallpaper," I replied, moaning again.

"What lovely wallpaper, too, like sunshine. The baby will love that... It's good you are starting in the morning, as you may be done before it gets dark."

"M-may?" I trembled out.

"It took an entire day for my first... but you already had it spill?"

"Y-yes."

"Then I would expect it to be born this day. Christmas Eve, no less, how wonderful is that? What are you hoping for? Boy or girl?"

"E-either."

"What are the names you have in mind?"

"G-Gustav, and..." I winced, "Katrina."

"Lovely, lovely, rather... northern, yes? Scandinavian, perhaps?"

"I-I am..."

"Oh... now, are you religious?"

"Yes... i-in a way."

"Oh, or, since it is Christmas, let's sing some carols. Those will help calm you."

I nodded, and followed along in between my moans. It had never felt so unnatural to sing in all my life, but it calmed my heart tremendously. She ceased for a time after the third song to listen to me, then exhaled in surprise as we finished.

"You sing better giving birth than I ever have in my life," she said.

"I was... taught."

"By a governess, perhaps?"

"My father. He played... he played... the violin. My husband... plays, too."

"I'll ask him to play for you during the birth, to calm you. Music does wonders in my experience... He seems very flustered by the whole of this, as any father would for the birth of his first child, so I have no doubt he would love to help in any way he can."

I nodded in agreement, tears trickling out from the corners of my eyes.

"Do you need a cup of tea?" she asked.

"Yes, p-please," I replied.

Had Erik just grabbed one of our neighbors to come help me? And what wonderful help she was, but how odd for Erik to rely on a stranger...

"I told my sister she should have stayed with our family," she said as she returned with the cup of tea. "Especially since you were due. But she said there were lots of other midwives, and all first time mothers have late births, in her experience. But, here we are."

"Your sister... i-is the midwife?"

"Yes. An excellent one at that. She delivered two of mine, and I wish she could have done the same for you, but I'm sure your husband will find someone just as suitable. Young as you are, it should be a simple birth."

The front door opened just then. Erik came running up the stairs to my room.

"Do you need more?" he asked, breathing heavily.

I exhaled in relief. "Yes, please."

"Monsieur," my helper said, her eyes wide, "shouldn't you wait downstairs?"

"No," he replied simply, placing the cloth over my mouth. "I know how to give chloroform."

"Oh... oh, yes, then I suppose so..."

The midwife entered then, carrying a black case. She was thin, with big blue eyes taking up most of her face. Her chestnut hair was pulled into a loose knot on the top of her head. My helper left then, wishing my good luck, and I almost called her back, but it was Christmas Eve, after all. She ought to be with her family.

"Let's see how far along you are," the midwife said. Her voice was cold, like a doctor's, and her hands were colder as they brushed against my legs. "Slow progress, it looks like. Monsieur, if you would fetch towels and hot water for your wife?"

He left immediately. I colored with embarrassment as the midwife pulled my skirt up over my knees. I suddenly didn't want Erik in the room, but I wanted chloroform more. What did it matter if he saw, anyway?

She was so quiet. It upset my heart, which raced onwards. Erik returned with hot water and towels, and I felt him trying to keep his gaze directed towards my eyes rather than my tangled skirts.

"Do you need more chloroform?" he asked.

"Not yet," I replied.

"Monsieur," the midwife said, "if you would remain outside until you are required, that would be most helpful to me-"

"Please no," I begged. "I want him here."

Erik turned to me in surprise. The midwife glanced at him.

"I'll call him in when-"

"I want him here!" I cried.

"Now don't excite yourself," she said as Erik came to my side. "I suppose we can make an exception, due to your state, and the chloroform use... But please, monsieur, if you would remain out of the way. Men are nothing but trouble during a birth, even doctors..."

"Talk to me," I asked him, reaching for his hand.

He took it, not flinching at my harsh grip. "What about?"

"A-anything... n-no, no, sing."

"Sing? Of course, yes..." He cleared his throat, then started a French lullaby I had never heard before. I smiled weakly before my features contorted again.

This continued for some time. When his voice wore out, he played the violin, despite the midwife complaining that it was "the devil's music." Oh, why couldn't he have gotten a different midwife? Or couldn't the neighbor lady have stayed?

She looked at me every few minutes, and I looked at Erik each time with eyes wide with shame. He maintained eye contact rather than glance at me. I didn't catch him doing so once over the course of those miserable hours.

"Push," she said, "gently, with quick pants."

I whimpered, but did as she said, crying out with it.

"Pants," she reminded me. "It's coming quickly all of a sudden. Light pushes."

"I'm so tired," I pleaded, but I panted and continued willing myself to push. My body felt as if aflame, and embers burned in the base of my stomach.

Erik gave me another dose of chloroform. Relief washed over me, but I tried to continue pushing, as the midwife ordered. I did everything she said. The violin met my ears again, as Erik must have wanted to calm me further. It was Mozart... gentle Mozart...

"I can see the head," the midwife said. "Big pushes now."

I began to cry in relief as I did so. It was almost here, it was almost over. Oh, my body was aflame and exhausted! I had no doubt I would fall asleep immediately after this was over. I could hardly lift my head up to push.

A wail pierced the air. My body still ached from the earlier pain, but the flames cooled in my stomach.

"There he is," the midwife said, showing her first sign of excitement.

Erik exhaled in relief, leaning against a wall to support himself.

"He," I panted. "He..."

"He's rather early, it seems," she told me as she tied and snipped his cord. "But he should be fine, just little."

"E-early?"

"By a couple weeks, I should think. But he could just be small."

"Is that bad?" I whimpered.

"Oh, no, he should be fine. Had it been a few days earlier, then I might be concerned... But it was good for you, though, it's a nice, easy birth with little babies."

I laughed weakly. If this was an easy birth, what horrors could constitute a difficult one?

She wrapped up the baby in a white blanket and brought him to me. He had brown fuzz on his head, the strands minutely curled, and I thanked God it wasn't blonde. His face was red and wrinkled from crying, but it softened into a darling little pout once he was laid against my breast. I began to tremble with emotion.

"A rather merry Christmas for you," the midwife said.

"Yes," I replied, glowing with joy. "Yes, a merry Christmas."

"Now, the afterbirth should come soon, then I'll give him a bath and be off. If you have any concerns, come let me know... And have you been taught how to feed him?"

"N-not really. I thought he just would know how to."

"If only. You'll have to coax the milk out the first two days, and help him attach. I'll show you after I clean up the afterbirth and give him a bath."

It was much easier to deliver the afterbirth than the baby. When she left to dispose of it, Erik came to my side, staring down at my child.

"He is beautiful enough for you," he told me. "I am glad you won't be distressed now for Christmas."

"I'm so glad," I replied, crying with my happiness. "I've never loved someone so much in all my life..."

He whispered something inaudible, then asked, "Do you want to be alone with it for a week, like the midwife said?"

"I... want to bond with him, yes, but... I-I don't know. I can barely think. I'm starving."

"Why didn't you mention that? What would you like?"

"Something quick... maybe an omelet? Anything sounds good, though."

"I'll be back shortly," he said.

The midwife returned moments after he had left. She had a washbasin in her arms, only half-full, and a towel. I watched her bathe Gustav, but my mind was elsewhere. What had she said about him? Two weeks early? Or had she only said one? Two weeks troubled me. I must have not heard her correctly...

Once she gave him back to me, she instructed me on how to feed him. He was asleep at that point, though, so she told me to fetch her if I couldn't manage it when he woke.

"Be patient, though," she said. "It often takes them a little time to learn... Do you require anything else?"

"I think my husband can tend to me... But I do have a question."

"What is it?"

"How early did you say he was?"

"Between two or three weeks. He could just be small, though, and only a week or so early... Does it matter to you?"

"No, I was only curious... Thank you."

She nodded, smiling gently, then she left. I reverted back to my troubled state of mind, even when Erik returned with my omelet. I ate it too quickly and started hiccuping, which woke Gustav. He didn't cry, though, only stared up at me with the most beautiful eyes I had ever seen, like the reflection of the night sky on a lake.

"Did you hear the midwife?" I asked Erik.

He was preparing a bath for me, and turned to reply, "About what?"

"The-" but I hesitated. Should I tell him my suspicions?

"The what? Are you concerned about something, my dear?"

"Well, yes, but..." He needed to know. It was wrong of me to withhold this from him. "She said he was a couple weeks early."

"Then I'll be sure you're taking extra care with him."

"Erik, I mean... how could we have been wrong by that much? We knew the actual date-"

"What are you trying to say, Christine?" he asked, continuing to prepare my bath. "Try to speak plainly, though I understand if your mind is less keen than it would normally be, after enduring that. You're such a brave woman, you know. I wish I could've provided a different midwife, but you hardly needed more than me to tell you what to do... But what are you trying to say again?"

"Well, that... I think... I think he might be..."

"Might be what?"

I glanced down at Gustav, then back up at Erik. I hardly knew how I felt then about it, about him. Did he even have a right to know?

"I think he's yours," I managed out.

The room went deathly silent.