Deidara – April 3rd
Once upon a time in the Akatsuki base, Deidara was preparing for his birthday. His best Akatsuki cloak was all laid out, his Sasori-danna had gone off to find bodies for his puppets all day and somewhere in the maze that was the Akatsuki hideout, Tobi was baking.
Just another moment closer to death the just-turned 19 year old thought to himself cheerfully.
All was seemingly well, but this was soon to change, for as "wonderfully" as the day began, Leader was about to make it so much worse with the decision that he would send the birthday blonde on a gruelling mission to his home village – with only Tobi for company.
"Tobi is a good boy, a good boy, a good boy
Tobi is a good boy, all day long" sang the childish Akatsuki member as the pair set out on their mission.
Deidara groaned. He hated missions and he hated Tobi.
Another mission closer to hanging myself. There was that cheerful little voice again
"Tobi? Un"
"Yes senpai?"
"If you do not remain silent for the rest of this mission then when we return to the Akatsuki base, I will blow you to tiny pieces and give you to Hidan for one of his rituals, are we clear? un"
"Sure senpai, I'll be as quiet as Itachi-san!" Tobi replied brightly, but shuddered underneath his mask.
Deidara resisted a jab at Itachi, knowing that if he broke the silence that had so far lasted for a record time of five seconds, he would never again know the meaning of the word.
Ten minutes later however . . .
"Deidara senpai?"
"No. un"
"Senpai?" no answer "seeenpaaaiii?" still no signs of life "I'm tired senpai. Iwagakure's a long way away"
"Tobi? Shut up! Un"
"Right senpai, I am now in a permanent state of shutting-up-ness."
"Good, un"
"But senpai –"
"FOR THE LOVE OF WHATEVER THE HELL YOU BELIEVE IN! SHUT UP, LEAVE ME ALONE AND STOP BEING SO DAMNED PERKY!"
"You're mean senpai" Tobi let out a little sniffle and added, in an unknown moment of genius, "I know you're upset because it's your birthday and you have to work, but –"
"Damn straight it's my birthday!" Deidara exclaimed suddenly "Let's go get drunk"
"Huh? But senpai –"
"Shut up, un. Just let me go get drunk and forget how much closer I am to death, like a normal shinobi"
"Uh . . . Sure, senpai" Tobi conceded and the pair began to search for a bar that would not overreach the low standards of Kakuzu's assigned budget.
One bottle of sake and several shots of some lethal bottom-of-the-barrel tequila later, Deidara was very, very drunk.
"I mean, why can't I? un"
"Uh . . . why can't you what senpai?"
"Why can't I . . . . . why can't . . . . why . . ?" There was yet another silence. This time it was due to the fact that Deidara had fallen into a drunken slumber.
Looking around quickly, to check no one was watching, Tobi picked up the empty sake bottle off the floor where it had fallen, and rapped his partner round the head with it.
"I'm awake!" the blonde yelled, sitting bolt upright "uh, where were we? Un."
"You were telling me how much you love me" Tobi lied
"Oh yeah – hey no! TOBI . . . ah forget it, un"
Silence descended.
"Say senpai?"
"What? un"
"Why do you look like a girl?"
Deidara was so surprised he spat tequila all over his partner. Fortunately for Tobi his orange mask protected him from this little outburst.
"I don't look like a girl! Un" there was a long pause "do I?"
"Yup!" Tobi continued happily "I always thought you were, but then I asked Sasori-san why he was having sex with a girl when he liked boys and he said it was because you were a boy really. And then I asked him why he was having sex with you anyway and he said it was because you had a huuuge package"
Deidara was choking quite badly now, clutching at his neck and coughing all over the place in his surprise at Tobi's bluntness and idiocy.
When he finally re-surfaced and drew breath enough to move, the blonde bomber grabbed Tobi by the neck of his cloak and prepared himself to beat the boy to a bloody pulp.
"Umm . . . Deidara senpai?" Tobi squeaked quickly before the beating could commence.
"What? un" Deidara hissed back
"What's a package?" It was at this moment that Tobi found himself released from the grasp of his very drunk and very angry team-mate while said team-mate bashed his head repeatedly against a wall.
"We're leaving, un" Deidara has stopped his head-bashing as quickly as he had started it, turning back to the table to pick up his cloak and hat. "and you're paying, un"
"eh!? But senpai!"
"It's my birthday" was his only reply "I shouldn't have to pay to destroy my body on my birthday" I should be able to forget how close I am to death for free he added in his head.
The mission was a failure.
Deidara was hung over (or possibly still a little drunk) and as Tobi had been instructed to avoid fighting at all costs – this was really only staff training for him – the blonde had received a severe beating.
It was only after Tobi had dragged a comatose Deidara back to the hideout three days later that his senpai awoke. The blonde had been diagnosed with severe head injuries, stomach poisoning and the re-opening of an old wound. Tobi stopped by the hospital in which Deidara had been dumped so graciously by the Akatsuki and was there when the "artist" finally awoke.
"Deidara senpai!" he called happily
"Tobi, still as perky as ever, un." came the grumbled reply
"oh, is that a bad thing? Zetsu-san told Tobi to be a good boy so Tobi is trying his hardest, but –"
"No" He was cut of harshly "It's good. Stay that way for as long as possible and don't think about death, but die with a smile on your face, un" I thought that was it for me, that death had finally come for me "So that at least one of us will know what it's like to be satisfied, un" he continued out loud.
"Um, sempai? Happy Birthday, sorry it's late . . ."
Deidara turned his bandaged head to the window, and smiled while Tobi couldn't see. Die with a smile on your face. That means you too Deidara . . . . . .
END!!
Sorry I'm not quite sure how that turned semi serious! ;;