This chapter was edited after posting for clarity. Also, the end was changed.
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White sunlight bled through the curtains. I found a figure illuminated there, sitting on a chair with a bundle in his arms. A lullaby met my ears, sung in a whisper.
"Erik?" I said softly.
His back stiffened, and he turned to me with fear etched into every crevice of his features. "I couldn't help it-"
"No, no, I'm not upset, not in the least... Did you think I would be?"
"I feared you might not be yourself yet... I would have asked your permission had you been awake."
"He's your son, too."
"I did not carry and deliver him, my dear. I have no right to him yet."
I sat up in bed, perplexed by his attitude. "Well... you cared for me while I carried him."
He nodded, though he was perturbed still. "How do you feel, my dear?"
"Like I've been hit by a train." I stretched my arms out behind my head and sighed. "I don't think I'll be getting out of bed today at all... Could you fetch me a soft pillow by any chance? A really soft one, for me to sit on? It feels like I'm on a bed of nails."
"Of course, here."
He returned Gustav to me then left to do so. His brown curls were sticking up in odd places, and I stroked his forehead. It felt like down. How warm with life he was! I had created life, out of my own body. It was a marvelous thing.
Should I feed him now? He had not been very hungry yesterday, but perhaps he would be today. I situated myself and tried to make him latch. He refused and began to cry. I didn't know whether this was from me forcing him to suckle or if he was frustrated by hunger. Either way, he could not seem to figure out what he wanted.
Erik entered with my pillow and tried to keep from watching me struggle, but for some reason, I didn't mind him watching me feed Gustav. I didn't mind it at all.
"You look pained, my dear," he said once Gustav had latched on properly.
"It's not exactly comfortable," I replied. "I thought the pain would be done by now, but I'm still sore all over, and this hurts, too."
"Why does it hurt?"
"I don't know. It feels like he's draining me."
"That does not explain why-"
"You think I know why I am in pain when I should not be?" I demanded sharply, beginning to tremble with tears. "D-do you think something's wrong-?"
"Oh, no, no, shh, I can consult someone, of course. Perhaps it takes time for the milk to flow properly is all."
"And my stomach hurts horribly, too. All of me aches... Oh, at least he's done now. The midwife told me to press down to help the milk flow, but I can't possibly."
"I will find her tomorrow and ask about it," he said to comfort me. "No one will be available today, but tomorrow I can find someone, don't worry... Don't cry, though- do you want another bath, my darling? To relax you?"
"That would be nice," I said, quite relieved by the thought.
"Then I will go make one up downstairs. Call me if you need anything-"
"I-I am a bit hungry, too."
"I'll bring something up for you once I get the water on the stove."
"Thank you," I told him, reaching to hold his hand. "You've been so considerate through all of this."
I placed my hand on his face so I could kiss him. It was just a brush against his forehead, but he had a dazed look in his eyes afterward when he went downstairs to prepare my bath. I smiled down at Gustav, who had fallen asleep.
Erik brought up my breakfast presently. He had made me crêpes with berries and cream. I found myself suddenly starving at the sight of them.
"He's so beautiful," Erik whispered, looking down at Gustav, whom he was holding so that I could eat.
"Mmhm," I replied through a mouthful of crêpe. I must have looked a mess; my lips were coated in whipped cream.
"I never thought I would have a child... I would never have risked it if I had the chance, either. That he was spared my fate is even more of a miracle... He looks very much like you."
"His eyes remind me of yours, though."
Erik paled. "They do?"
"Mmhm..."
He searched their contents, brightening. "That's... good, yes?"
"Yes. Your eyes are very expressive."
He looked down at Gustav in curiosity, smiling faintly. I stuffed another crêpe in my mouth.
"His life is going to be so wonderful," he said as he brushed his fingertip over Gustav's forehead. "Having you as a mother and all the comforts of life."
"He will be spoiled, that much is certain."
"I want him spoiled," Erik said sadly. "I don't want him to know any form of pain."
"We can't prevent that-"
"But we can try."
"I- yes. We can try..." I glanced toward the window, then inhaled. "You sound very confident in my abilities as a mother."
"And you are not?"
"Not in the least. I hardly know what I'm doing."
"But you read all those books," he insisted.
"Books give knowledge, not experience, and certainly not confidence."
"Do you need a bit of help, then, my dear, for the first month? I can hire a nursemaid."
"To live here?"
"For a month, yes. No longer than that, though. I want you to raise him. I want him to have a proper mother- not a nanny or a nursemaid- but the same woman who bore him. To kiss him, and hold him..."
"Does it matter what I want?" I inquired, becoming anxious from his expectations.
"Of course it does, my dear, more than ever now. What do you want?"
"I didn't mean it like that, exactly, I only meant that I want my wants to be considered as well. In the future... Not over Gustav's, of course, but considered."
"I consider your wants, don't I?" he asked, sounding a little hurt.
"Erik," I fidgeted with the skirt of my nightgown, "do you so easily forget that this marriage is based on nothing I want?"
"You wanted the baby."
"No, Erik, I did not want the baby," I sighed, suddenly flushed with indignation. "How can you say that? I wanted to be home with my friends and my life... I love Gustav and he has made me very happy, but I never wanted a baby. I never wanted to be your wife. Everything will turn out all right for me, that I know, but I ask that you do not forget about how this all started. I wanted no part in any of it."
Erik tapped his thigh nervously, then he asked, "You want to go home?"
"If it were possible."
"I can make anything possible, my dear. I am a magician, after all..." He continued tapping, deep in thought. Then he ceased. "I have everything I have ever wanted, after all, and it is only fair that you have the same. If he will not give you that, then... When you are well enough, we shall go to Paris and you can see everyone you know, everyone. Then will you finally have what you want as well."
"But how could we do that? They all think I've been taken away against my will."
"You will have to lie," he stared simply, "but you already did so well before that you'll have no trouble with it. Tell them... you forgot which train to board, and then lost your memories again. In Bordeaux you met a man who assisted you and you fell in love with. You married him before your memories came back, and they only truly did in your last few months with child. You determined to go and explain your absence once you were well enough after the birth. That story will convince most."
"But the vicomte will never believe it."
"You need only cry and he will believe anything that comes from your lips."
"But how am I supposed to explain having a baby so soon, though? They will know how old he is. I have a reputation."
"You were alone in the world and desperate," he continued, "so you married the first man who was kind to you. They will suspect, of course, that the baby was created outside of marriage, but as you had it within marriage, it is not so unacceptable, especially for a woman such as yourself. Plenty of couples marry simply because the woman is with child. No one will bat an eye."
"And you promise all of this?"
He hesitated a moment, then he glanced at Gustav and his mind was made. "I do. And you can be my wife openly then, not hiding in this place, however lovely it may be."
I shook my head in disbelief. "Why did you never use this plan before? I have been away from home for almost a year now. I have friends there, people I love, and I told you I missed them, I told you, I cried-"
"Do you want the truth?" he asked tiredly.
"What truth? And yes, I do."
"I did not love you then."
I blinked, stupefied. "What do you mean?"
His jaw clenched. "I did not. Love you... It is not something I wish to remember, my dear Christine, but I did not love you as I do now. I couldn't possibly. I have never been loved. That was my folly, that I expected to be capable of it by simply reading books, observing, and feeling deeply what I felt. I loved you then, of course, but it is not what I feel now. Now I would endure anything for your happiness, even if I had to return to being trapped behind a cage and having coins thrown between the bars... And that is not a lie, my dear. Why, if I could go back..."
He glanced to the doorway absentmindedly.
"I ought to go see to your bath, my dear," he said.
The rest of the day passed quietly after that. Perhaps Erik hoped I might forget his words, but they weighed heavily on my mind, though I was too tired to think deeply about them. I slept most of the afternoon, and all Gustav wanted to do was sleep, too, just beside me on the bed. Erik held him when I did not, and when I inquired as to why he was more enthusiastic about it now than last night, he replied that he never wanted Gustav to be set down, not if it could be helped. I agreed to that, though it frightened me a bit. What if he thought I had to be entirely devoted to Gustav and not at all to myself? What if he kept me from ever having time alone, even? The harsh childhood he had known would not be his son's, that he was determined about, but I feared perhaps it would be at the cost of my freedom.
Christmas dinner was wonderful, though, and distracted me from worrying. He was an excellent cook- far better than I. The ravenous hunger from the prior day had not dissipated, and I filled plate after plate, only saving room for a slice of sponge cake after, then another, and one more for good measure.
He played only a single carol on the piano before I fell asleep. He brought me up to bed and set Gustav beside me. I was still so exhausted that even though I woke in the night to Gustav crying, I didn't remember it the next day. Erik had heard him crying and come into the room to be sure I wasn't too tired to be careful with him. I was grateful for that.
...
Two days later, the woman who had comforted me during the birth knocked on our door. She was holding a present done in white paper with a bright red bow on top.
"Good afternoon," Erik told her as I peeked out over the sofa.
"Yes, good afternoon, monsieur. How was your Christmas?"
He gestured to me, and she laughed, "Oh, how silly I am! Yes, it was wonderful, wasn't it? No Christmas will best it, I'm sure." She glanced down at the present as if seeing it for the first time. "I-I brought this to congratulate you and wish you a merry Christmas... Might I come in, monsieur, or is it a bad time?"
He gestured inside. She came over to me excitedly, setting the present down. She acted much younger than she appeared.
"Oh, he is beautiful," she crooned. "How happy you both must be. They all say boys look like potatoes as babies, but he is such a pretty little thing. Oh, I miss my own babies. Savor this time, my dear, he will be grown before you can blink."
"I know," I told her, smiling. "Thank you for everything you did for me-"
"Oh, you were the easiest new mother I've ever seen. Some faint, you know, or panic until they can hardly breathe, like me my first time, what a mess I was. But no, not you. I only had to talk about nonsense and you kept quite calm... My, how lovely he is, though. Is he keeping you up late yet?"
"I'm too tired to notice. I sleep a lot."
"Good. Whenever you can, my dear, do sleep..." She glanced down at Gustav in my arms, then extended hers. "Would you permit me to-?"
"Certainly," I replied, flustered by her compliments on Gustav and myself.
"What a doll," she sighed, staring down at him with her features aglow. "You ought to watch out for him, my dear, he will use his beauty to his advantage eventually..."
She talked for an hour, with little moments where she would ask me questions, and I would reply, and she would continue talking. It was welcome for a tired brain to hear such kind words from a woman who understood. I even managed to pose a few questions about Gustav that she was only too happy to answer.
I only had her company for an hour, though. When she left I felt hollow inside. I had forgotten what it was to have a friend- a true friend- and I had a sudden, desperate need for one, preferably her. She seemed to like me.
After she left, I asked Erik how he knew her.
"She brought flowers to my doorstep when I was first arranging the house," he explained absentmindedly, as he was organizing papers. "She had heard, somehow, that I was married and wanted to welcome us. I informed her I was only engaged, but she insisted I take them anyway, as they would make a good centerpiece for the dining room table. Then she tried to make conversation for a whole hour before I got rid of her... but I needed someone to stay with you, and she was only too eager to help a new mother. She has many children of her own, and her husband is never home, so she gets lonely."
"You learned all that after an hour trying to get rid of her?"
"She talks far more than a woman- a person- should."
"Well..." I swallowed. "Erik, I want to be friends with her. Good friends."
He paled. "I... I don't think you would like her very much once you spoke with her longer. She talks too much."
"I enjoy that-"
"And she hardly has any time on her hands, what with all her children-"
"How old are they?"
"The youngest is two, I believe, and the oldest is sixteen. She has five. No time at all-"
"How old is she?"
"Around thirty, so much older than you. I doubt you would get along well-"
"Erik, I want a friend," I pleaded. "You told me you would do anything to make me happy... Well, I want a friend."
"You wouldn't like her."
"Let me decide that. Don't you want me to learn from a woman who has raised that many children, anyway? And you said she was lonely before."
"She has all her children with her-"
"Not the ones in school. And I can help her-"
"She has a nursemaid-"
"Erik, you promised!" I said tearfully. "Y-you're a liar, still? You would deprive me of a friend?"
I began to sob, quite overwhelmed by being denied, once again, something I sorely wanted and that ought to be my right. He rushed to comfort me.
"Of course you can have a friend," he insisted. "Don't cry, I didn't mean you couldn't have a friend, simply that you might want a different one."
"Why do you lie so much?" I sniffled.
"I didn't lie, my dear, not once today, not today. And if it will make you happy, you can call on her the moment you feel well enough."
He dabbed at my tears with a handkerchief. I inhaled shakily, quite stunned.
"I have a friend?" I whispered, once I had collected myself.
"If you like her..."
"I do... Thank you... Thank you. I ought to thank her as well, though." I sniffled again. "Could you get me some flowers when I go see her?"
"If it will make you happy."
"Very happy..." I smiled weakly. "Now I can have two friends."
"Two?"
I nudged him. "You, silly."
"Ah..." The thought had not even struck him. "Do you want to come downstairs now?"
"I ought to try and get dressed, clean myself up a bit. I'm such a mess right now."
"You're beautiful."
"With my emotions, I mean... but thank you." I glanced over at Gustav. "Would you take him down with you?"
"Don't you need help dressing?"
"Well, let me see."
I slid out of bed. My whole lower body was in a dull pain, but I managed to get to my feet just fine. My stomach tightened, causing me to wince for a moment.
"Maybe help getting dressed wouldn't be the worst idea," I told him. "Where is one of my dresses from two months ago? That should do."
"The blue?"
"I think a nice green would be more fitting for the holidays."
"You look best in blue," he stated, "but whatever you want to wear."
"Oh, fine, the blue. Then I can match Gustav's hat."
He went to get the dress out of my closet. "Did you knit it?"
"I did," I said proudly, "and out of the softest yarn you bought for me. Isn't he adorable in it? I read in a book that baby's head has to be kept warm, and also I feel like it protects him a little." I wrapped his little fist about my finger. "He's so fragile..."
Erik retrieved the dress from my closet. I found a rip on the hem that had gone unnoticed until then, but I told him I wouldn't mind sewing it up. He protested, but relented. I had him leave for a moment so I could get in my underthings, then he assisted with the rest, as I found myself still exhausted. My hands quaked with fatigue.
"Are you quite all right?" he asked. "You still seem ill from having the baby."
"I talked to her about it. She told me it's normal, everything I'm feeling."
His eyes grew unfocused with thought.
"Let's go downstairs," I offered. "Maybe do a puzzle together?"
He agreed.
We brought Gustav down in his bassinet. I held him on the sofa, and Erik insisted I remain there to rest. He opened the jigsaw puzzle for me to amuse myself with while he made my breakfast. I didn't even touch the pieces, though, as I was enamored with Gustav again. He attracted my gaze like nothing else. How could something be so beautiful?
I fed him there when he woke, but he wasn't very interested in it, more in yawning and wrinkling his forehead. Erik brought me my breakfast once I had buttoned my dress back up. He ate with me on the sofa, then went to sit at the piano and play for me. I requested a few carols to sing along to, but he had to find the music he had brought in order to accompany me. He could not play them by heart as he could with most things.
"Gustav likes the music," I informed him.
He turned around excitedly. "He does?"
"I think so. He's not crying, so he must like it."
"Oh... I thought you meant he had smiled or something of the sort."
"He only smiles in his sleep... Would you play a bit more? Do you mind it-?"
"Mind playing music? Who do you think I am?"
"Oh, I was just being polite... Just one more carol, though, then we ought to start this puzzle together."
He nodded in agreement. I lied back on the sofa a bit, cradling Gustav in my arm. He was so terribly small. It gave me this overwhelming desire to protect him in any way I could. He had not been in the world an entire day yet and already I was willing to give my life for him, or even the life of another should mine not be enough.
Erik put away his music and set a cushion down by the coffee table so I could sit comfortably. I started sorting the pieces to one of two jigsaw puzzles he had bought. This one had the image of an exotic bird in the center in the midst of a dense forest. I glanced up and found Erik had left the room for some reason. By the time I heard his footsteps returning, I had arranged all the pieces in two neat piles.
He sat down on the other side of the table. We started on the puzzle. He had put together the entire bird before I had completed half the border, and it frustrated me, childishly so, but it did. I found my face suddenly flushed with heat as I squinted at the piece in my hand.
"Are you all right?" Erik asked.
"Fine... but... could you go a little slower, do you think?"
"I can leave the rest for you if you want."
He glanced over at Gustav, still fast asleep.
"Yes, that's fine," I replied. "Do you want to hold him?"
Erik didn't even answer, simply scooped him up from his cradle and went to sit on the sofa behind me. I smiled as I continued the puzzle.
"I'm glad you like holding him so much," I said. "It will be nice to have another pair of arms, I'm sure."
He was silent as I started putting the bird he had connected inside the frame. Then there were the corners around the bird that were a pure shade of green, and these I needed to fill. It was then that I realized how tired I was, as I found a piece I knew fit in a place, but it refused to go. I was perplexed. For a moment, I set it aside, then picked it up again to try anew, and it refused no matter which way I turned.
I suddenly began to cry. I rubbed at my eyes in confusion at why I was crying because of a puzzle. How silly I was!
"Christine," Erik said hurriedly. "Is it upsetting you so?"
"I'm just tired," I replied. "I-I think I'm just tired... Oh, won't you help me?"
"Of course, yes... but he just woke, so someone ought to hold him."
"Just set him in his bassinet," I sniffled, trying to shove the piece into place.
"Why can't you hold him?"
"Because I don't want to!"
"Why on earth not? Why are you so upset?"
"Would you just figure out where this piece goes for me?"
He sighed as he set Gustav in his bassinet. "All right. Let me see it... There's no need to cry over this-"
"You think I want to be crying over this?" I demanded, rubbing my arm across my face with anger. I held the piece out to him.
"Where were you trying to put it?"
"I don't know anymore," I replied, planting my forehead on the coffee table. "I don't know."
"Here, here, look!" he told me, gesturing to the puzzle. "It's all fixed. No more crying."
"My stomach hurts..."
"Your stomach hurts? How long has it been hurting?"
"For a while, but not like this... I feel dizzy..."
"Do you need a doctor?"
I kept my head on the cool surface of the coffee table. "No... no, I'm fine..."
"Are you sure? Are you absolutely sure-?"
"Maybe if you were quiet I would be."
He sat back in confusion. Guilt added to my already writhing stomach.
"I need to get a doctor," he said. "Something could have happened with the birth-"
"I just need rest-"
"Do you not understand how serious this is?" he demanded, rising. "You shouldn't be experiencing stomach pains and dizziness days after giving birth! That means something is wrong, so I need to get a doctor now. I'll take Gustav with me."
"Erik, listen to me!" I insisted. "I am fine! The midwife said I would be bleeding and in pain for a few days so this is perfectly normal! Would you listen to me for once in your life and cease acting like you know everything?"
I started sobbing again. He picked up Gustav from his bassinet.
"D-do you want to hold him now?" he asked. "To calm you?"
I looked over at him, my vision blurred with tears. "Maybe I should try to feed him... the midwife said I ought to try a lot... b-but that hurts, t-too..."
"Does everything hurt? I can get you some laudanum."
I nodded. "Yes, I think that might be a good idea. I don't know why I didn't simply ask for that... thank you."
He handed Gustav to me. By the time he returned with a tonic, I had settled, and so had my stomach. I downed the tonic and went to lie down on the sofa with Gustav on my chest. I fell asleep in moments.
A doctor arrived on our doorstep later that day, despite my protests. He examined me, said I was in fair health, then asked Erik a few questions about me. After this, he asked, with skepticism, if I had rested properly after the birth.
"How long ago was it?" he asked. "Two weeks?"
"Three days," Erik replied.
"Excuse me?"
"Three days."
"You let her come downstairs after three days? She ought to be in bed for at least four. Tell me she hasn't left the house, at least."
"Of course not, she's been ill," Erik said irritably. "What does it matter, anyway, if she is in bed all day? She can't stand being cooped up. It's much better for her health if she can come downstairs and walk around a bit."
"Are you a doctor, monsieur? She has to rest for an entire week, if not more-"
"Is my wife ill or not?" he demanded. "I brought you here to help her, not criticize her care!"
"I meant no disrespect, monsieur. I understand you are very concerned about your wife... Nothing seems to be wrong with her. Women are often given to small fits of anger or sadness after a birth, but if she continues having them for weeks on end, then we can consider hysteria. Many have difficulty adjusting after birth, but she seems to be acting normally for the time. The only concern I truly have for her are the stomach pains. It could be an issue with her gallbladder. That can occur after a birth for women. If her pains continue, then you will need to take her in for surgery."
I blanched. "I-I hope that isn't the case."
"It's a very simple procedure, madame," the doctor replied kindly. "The pain hardly ever goes away entirely, but surgery can help remove the stones that have formed, which greatly eases it. Plenty of people have it done every year..." He turned to Erik. "Do you have any more questions, monsieur?"
"No."
"Then I shall be going. Send for me if her pains increase, or if in a few weeks she continues having nervous fits."
He shut his black bag and left. Erik muttered something under his breath about him. I swallowed uneasily.
"Y-you don't think I'll have to have surgery," I asked, "d-do you?"
He turned to me. "I hope not, but it's not so terrible if you do. Trust me... But let me know how you feel. Don't hide anything."
"I won't... I doubt I even could..."