DISCLAIMER: In the beginning there was fiction, and the creators of fiction saw their fans and knew that their creation was good, to ensure that their fans were eternally loyal the creators demanded that no fan-inspired stories were created, but the fans could not help themselves and thus was born: FANFICTION!

WARNING: Well – if something offends you let me know so I can put a warning up here!

A/N: So Orochimaru doesn't really try to get Madara because I don't think he knows the guy exists but for the purposes of this story, he does :3

Orochimaru – October 27th

Once upon a time in a far away land there lived a man named Orochimaru. He was tall and handsome, but he had an evil heart. All manner of people were drawn to his charisma and his charm, but his black heart always longed for more.

He wanted a sharingan user to call his own.

Not the sharingan itself; that was never his true goal – that was merely a popular misconception – no, he wanted an Uchiha. Because Uchiha's were pretty, and the man knew that he would look yet more handsome with an Uchiha by his side.

So he teased and he flirted and he attempted to have the oldest of the three remaining Uchihas by his side, but Uchiha Madara was too strong and not nearly pretty enough to fall for his charms.

So he teased and he flirted and he attempted to have the middlest of the three remaining Uchihas by his side, but Uchiha Itachi was too strong and too pretty to fall for his charms.

Orochimaru thought and he thought about what to do. He enlisted the help of all the not-so-pretty people in his thrall who, though not very pretty, were very very clever; and these people came up with an idea: try to capture Uchiha Sasuke.

Now Orochimaru thought this to be a wonderful plan , so he put on his favourite disguise and travelled to Konoha where the youngest Uchiha was currently taking up residence. And Orochimaru flirted and he teased and still he could not lure Uchiha Sasuke to him – though the boy was not strong enough or old enough to understand his full potential, and so Orochimaru sulked. He hid and he sulked and he sulked some more until one day he had a wonderful idea.

"I know what to do" he said to himself "I shall administer the Love Hickey of Doom!"

And that was exactly what he did.

The Love Hickey of Doom was a slow working but potent weapon from which none but the most impressive could escape. Now Orochimaru was aware that Sasuke might one day become one of the "most impressive" and this worried him, but all the same the youngest remaining Uchiha was unaware of his power and thus was Orochimaru's plan safe . . . for now.

But still the days wore on and Sasuke was nowhere to be seen – at least not in the vicinity of Otogakure – and so Orochimaru sent out his prettiest and most powerful victim to retrieve his Sasuke-kun.

Kimimaro's strength and prettiness was known throughout the lands, and it was not long before he had returned to Orochimaru with the precious Sasuke. The youngest Uchiha was locked inside a sturdy barrel with odd writing all over it and which was tied with a purple bow. Orochimaru could no longer restrain himself; he ripped the bow off of the barrel and opened the lid with his teeth.

He was not disappointed.

There was his Sasuke with an adorably bemused look on his face and the cutest little bow around his neck.

He was the happiest snake-sannin the whole wide world and he wanted everyone to know it . . .

"Kyaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa!"

And they did. No one was in any doubt that an Uchiha was the best present Orochimaru could have received.

OWARI!