5.

.oOo.

~ The Prussian and the Pea ~

.oOo.

Once upon a time, there lived a princess named Elizaveta.

Now, although the common belief about princesses is that they are fair, pristine, and ladylike, Elizaveta was… well, Elizaveta was different.

As in, stubbornly-defensive-black-belt-in-karate-frying-pan-wielding different.

Because of this demeanor, it was inevitable that the princess had somewhat of a hard time finding a proper suitor. Despite the constant urging of her parents and the efforts to set her up with princes far and wide, nothing seemed to work; the girl just didn't fancy anyone. Elizaveta was certain she'd seen over a hundred different young men from all walks of the world, and she had turned down every single one.

"Too serious," she had said of the stoic and athletically-built German prince.

"Too disgustingly perverted," she'd said of the one from France.

(But, then again, he was French. Really, what bloody else can you expect from those no-good tossers?)

"Too… weird," she'd raised an eyebrow at the Austrian prince, who, in her opinion, had a severely unhealthy attachment to his musical instrument.

For all she cared, he'd be better off marrying the piano than her.

Nevertheless, you get the idea; it was clear that Elizaveta had no interest whatsoever in all of the princes who had come to court her. Each meeting with another possible suitor ended the exact same way:

She would eventually decide she'd had enough of the lad, and then proceed to hit him with her frying pan as she chased him out of her room.

One day, it was called to her attention that yet another new suitor had arrived in an attempt to court her. Of course, the princess thought nothing of this, knowing in the back of her mind that this meeting was going to go just the same as all the others.

She was polishing her frying pan (a princess must keep up her appearances, after all) when the young lad was let into the room.

One look at him told her he was different from all the rest; while all of Elizaveta's previous suitors had at least maintained a fairly normal appearance, this one had albino-looking skin, shockingly silvery-white hair, and bright red eyes that gleamed with a look she couldn't quite decipher.

And, as for manners: it didn't look like the man even had any. After all, he'd burst into the room without a care in the world, strolling in as if he'd owned the place and plunking himself down in a chair across from her as he crossed one leg over the other and stretched out his arms.

Elizaveta raised an eyebrow, sizing the man up as she twirled her frying pan in her hand.

"And… you are?" she inquired.

"The awesome Prince Gilbert Beilschmidt from the awesome land of Prussia, and I've been looking for an awesome girl to call my wife," the lad remarked with a proud grin, eyes flicking to the frying pan for a brief second before his gaze returned to the princess. "Oi, what's with the metal pan-thing, Princess?"

"None of your concern," the princess stately remarked. "Wait, er – Gilbo, was it? – where did you say you were from again?"

"My name is Gilbert, you un-awesome chick, not Gilbo! And I'm from Prussia!" the man eagerly nodded. "Perhaps you've heard of it? Oh, wait, how could you not? After all, it is too awesome for its awesomeness to not be recognised!"

"...Is that even a country?" Elizaveta asked.

The lad's expression changed instantly.

"What do you mean, 'is that even a country'?" he stood up passionately, placing a hand to his chest in feigned insult. "Of course it is! I should know, I am the prince of it, after all!"

At this point, her suitors were usually long gone, but, for whatever reason, this one was still here. She didn't exactly know why, but there was just something about this prince that seemed… intriguing.

Well, she supposed she could have kicked him out considering his over-usage of the word "awesome" – good grief, that was bloody annoying – but the princess was nothing if she wasn't just, and she decided to give the prat one more chance nonetheless.

"I don't believe you," Elizaveta said, deciding to push the prince in an effort to test the lad's value. "You know, for a prince, you don't seem very honest."

"What?" Gilbert's eyebrows flew up in defence. "Oh, come on, Princess! The Awesome Me is the most honest person in the entire world. Seriously, ask me anything! Go!"

"Well, actually," Elizaveta said, formulating a plan in her head. "I have something else in mind. But, you know, it's getting rather late, and I don't know about you, but I'm bloody knackered. I suppose the best thing to do would be to discuss it tomorrow."

She rose from her seat, frying pan still in hand, and looked the prince in the eyes, sending him the smallest smile.

"For the time being, would you be interested in staying the night?" she asked.

The man grinned at her.

"Sure! I knew you wouldn't be able to resist the charm of the Awesome Me."

Elizaveta rolled her eyes as she tried to ignore Gilbert's comment, instead choosing to take him by the hand and leading him out of her room.

"Come with me," she said to the man. "I'll show you where you'll be sleeping for the night."

The princess led the prince down a series of long, winding halls, until at last they came upon a single door at the end of a corridor. Elizaveta pushed open the door, revealing a perfectly normal little guest room with a very tall ceiling.

...Well, at least it would have been perfectly normal had it not been for the giant bed pushed neatly into the corner.

Gilbert's eyes widened once he'd caught sight of it, his mouth slightly gaped open. He turned his head upward – he had to in order to look at the thing in its entirety – as he took in the fact that there appeared to be a good twenty mattresses stacked one on top of the other.

The prince turned to the princess, an odd look on his face.

"What?" Elizaveta said innocently. "We like to treat our guests with splendour."

Apparently this answer seemed to be enough for the prince, as he grinned in response.

"And why would you not?" he questioned. "After all, the Awesome Me deserves only the best treatment!"

And, as Gilbert turned his back to her, continuing to observe his new sleeping quarters, Elizaveta decided it was time to put her plan into action. She reached into the pocket of her dress, pulled out a single pea – don't ask where she got it from; princesses have their ways, you know – and quickly slipped it under the bottom mattress.

"Right," she said to the prince once the pea had been put into place. "Good night, Gilbo."

Elizaveta walked out of the room and closed the door behind her, promptly ignoring the loud "It's Gilbert!" that immediately emanated from within. She smiled as she made her way to her own quarters, content with the knowledge that the deed had been done.

However, what the princess didn't expect was that Gilbert had caught a flash of movement out of the corner of his eye, and he had seen Elizaveta slip the pea underneath the mattresses.

The prince smirked. He'd heard this story before, and he knew that the princess was trying to test if he were honestly a real prince by seeing whether or not he'd feel the pea under the mattress. All he'd have to do when morning came was claim that, yes, he very much had felt something poking him in the back – and then the princess would be his!

The night came and went, and before he knew it Gilbert was being called down for breakfast the next morning.

"So," Elizaveta asked when she saw the prince stroll through the door. "Sleep well last night?"

Gilbert's expression immediately turned sour, as he did his best to put on an irritable appearance.

"Actually, no, I didn't sleep well at all," he said to her, deliberately sounding as miserable as possible. "No matter which way I turned, there was always something poking me in the back! It hurt the entire night! It was so un-awesome."

"Oh?" the princess asked. "Is that so?"

"Yeah!" Gilbert replied. "You sure there wasn't anything under my mattress? Nothing… small and round, maybe? And, oh, I don't know, the size of a pea?"

Elizaveta stood up then in surprise, regarding the prince with an unreadable expression.

"Oh, sweet merciful heavens," she said, "I-I can't believe it. As a matter of fact, there was a pea under your mattresses. How did you know?"

"I told you, woman," the prince said. "I felt it! It was poking me in the back all night long!"

The princess only stared at him in awe.

Gilbert inwardly smirked then, as he knew victory was his. He'd won her over! The princess was going to be his! Oh, he could just see it now: life inside the castle was going to be so lovely, and he'd get to do whatever he'd want to do, and he'd have servants to bring him beer all of the time, and, and – it was just going to be so smashing!

Really, it's too bad his sweet reverie was interrupted when his face suddenly collided with something hard and metal, causing him to fall to the floor.

Rubbing his cheek in shock, he looked up to see the princess holding her severely-dented frying pan (seriously, how many times had she used the thing?) and wearing an extremely terrifying glare on her face.

Despite the fact that her intimidation made him shudder, the prince couldn't deny one thing: he was severely ticked off.

"Oi!" the little bugger snapped at Elizaveta, looking past the fierce glare. "What was that for?"

"That was for lying, you insufferable prick," the princess snapped right back. "You're no honest prince! I know you saw the pea under your mattresses, you dolt, and I know you didn't actually feel anything poking you in the back, because it's bloody well impossible to feel a single bloody pea under twenty bloody mattresses; after all, the little tosser of a vegetable would get crushed under so much weight, and it's not even that big of a thing to make the slightest dent or impression in a mattress! Blast all, it doesn't even make any sense! I mean, for the love of the Queen, how the hell can someone feel a single pea through twenty mattresses? They bloody well can't, that's how! And any little git who dares claim that they are "fair" or whatever other rubbish they spew out of their putrid mouths can go and piss off, since everyone knows that that's damn near impossible!"

And then the princess chased the prince out of the room as she happily continued her life in solitude.

The End.