It's a Big Deal!

Chapter 18-

There are times called sadness and desperation of getting what you are really wanting. It's just that you want it and Kai Hiwatari was the one who was in the same scenario currently- Wanting ardently for his wife to get well and return back. He could no longer see her moaning daily in pain, surviving on those mere glucose bottles, becoming paler and weaker as days were passing. He could no longer see his daughter crying silently in locked room, washrooms and pretending like she's alright; knowing how much she was hurt, and that hurt him even more.

She wouldn't come to her house either. What could he say? That she should come back and stay alone without her mother. At least in Tyson's home, she would be distracted and stay a bit out of stress because there was Sylvia, Salima and of course Tyson. He would spend his day at Tyson's if ever Hilary was fine and they needed rest. Under very normal circumstances and normally, the three males would spend their day at hospital. Kai would return to his home and Tyson to his.

He wasn't scared of darkness but the nights contained that darkness that was so empty and harsh. He was alone

He was alone

And once again…

And that was driving him lonelier from inside. His solitude was growing and he was becoming weaker from inside. There were things that were breaking him. There were nights we would be awaken suddenly missing Hilary and Lavinia.

Feeling scared to be lonely, he would wake up and switch on the lights and open the balcony doors to see the still outside.

He would wander in his own mansion taking the torch from his phone. There were moments when he would be scared by his own shadow ambling in the dead quiet auric environment. He would hear his own sounds of steps echoing. The hall was all silent, all empty except the furniture that was there. It was as if he could hear his own sound of breathing in and out. There were so many rooms on the side of the mansion that he rarely even saw or walked to. He explored all of them

Is this a place that I call home
To find what I've become
Walk along the path unknown
We live, we love, we lie

Deep in the dark I don't need the light
There's a ghost inside me
It all belongs to the other side
We live, we love, we lie

He could revive all his memories staring from where he was a kid. There was one room which was allotted for his studies, other in which he was only supposed to memorize all those books or essays given by his grandfather. Another- in which can read any books he wanted during his free time. Even those books were separately brought and put; he had no freedom of buying of his choice. There were other rooms which were locked. They belonged to his cousins so that they could stay there whenever they happened to visit. They were still locked. He suddenly remembered everything. He was walking through the same corridor in which Akira accustomed to walk and read her favorite books usually in dawn and afternoon. Remembering her brought his extreme despondency at whim. He could picture her- wearing short sleeved black top and denims, putting her big black framed glasses and reading book, so lost in it. There were time he would blow softly over her ear to tease her and scare the daylights out of her. She would get furious and start running over him but that would all stop as soon they would acknowledge Voltaire anywhere around. The quietude would return back.

Daichi and Kane would always pester him. Kane was so caring oh his sister, Akira. He wonders how they are staying in hostel now. He smiled in sadness as he remembered them. Grabbing the keys from his pockets, he was going to do something that was not allowed- he unlocked her room and walked inside.

Her room was just the same like it was. All clean- proper and arranged. There was baby pink and blue shaded comfort on her bed with two pillows very close to each other. Her room must have been swept and mopped just before it was locked. Her cabinets were opposite to her bed. There were stick notes on the doors of it, mentioning about all the works she has to do. He touched the handle of her cabinet but it was locked. He chuckled mentally. There was a small table beside her bed containing small bed lamp on it and her phone. He immediately noticed that her phone was not with her when she died at the last moment sitting on the couch in the hall in front of his eyes. He shuddered remembering her weakness and her face. He picked it and opened it. Seeing the pin code screen, he gave up and placed it back. His gaze landed on her study table behind her cabinets. There were few books on it, a laptop and few papers lying in folder. He opened and guess what? Those were the same papers that he had worked upon on her disease. He had printed them for his use and research but they got misplaced and here they were. In a small pencil stand, he found a pair of keys. Curiosity getting better of him, he took them and unlocked her desk. His gaze widened as he found her diary lying right in front of him. He took it and sat on her bed.

He was still thinking if he should read it or not. She was the only girl he thought deep inside his mind when he was young that he would marry if there was no other option not to marry. He liked her but he was so busy with himself and other thoughts. There was no time for infatuation or romance prior to his marriage.

His fingers slowly glided over the cover as he turned it and saw the first page. The first page was colored in striped fashion containing only grey and pink. "My Diary" – it was written in her calligraphic handwriting with black sketch pen.

The next page was a shocker as it contained a collage of their pictures, yes; it included Kai as well- kai, Akira, Kane and Daichi. The next page contained her own pictures she took occasionally. She was full dressed in them and looked cute. The next page was the one in which her entries started. Kai read them carefully and thought to skip the part that he felt he wasn't supposed to read. He was curious of her thoughts on him and life especially. The entries weren't continuous. They were written once or twice or rarely thrice in a month. The entries were written from the year they matured up or say, entered puberty. Her entries contained important things that happened and secret coded feelings which was more than half understood by Kai. The thoughts of her infatuation were mentioned from the year before his marriage. He still wasn't sure if the guy was someone he was guessing. There was her classmate she called as 'Derek' in her college and often spoke about him helping her and sharing their lunches and studying together in libraries. She wrote about him with his name very rarely, telling about his quiet nature, sometimes telling he's annoying, stern, Mr. Sourpuss but other times writing that he's sweet and good looking. Entries started when she expressed her extreme agonizing sate when she got that disease and the people who encouraged her and people who broke her. Kai still didn't understand who broke her, because she never used their names. Her last entry was three days before her death. The words were blurred like some liquid dropped on it. But that wasn't the problem. It was just at a few spots. She was mentioning about Kai mostly in that entry. It started from Kai caring of her, researching on the disease. She expressed her frustration of Kane being an uncaring brother and said about how hard she found admitting this truth. A part of her last entry was something like this:

"…What should I say to you? You must think I always complain about the things happening to me or rarely gets excited about the good things that happened to me. You must think that Akira Hiwatari is so selfish and complaining. This might be last entry of me because this disease will kill me soon.

I won't be speaking to you next time so this is a goodbye to you. Thanks so much for being patient and listening to whatever I've said and shared. You won't believe, but I'm crying because you're the last one I'm confiding in. I won't hide anything because I want to be loyal with you, dear book.

Kai is only the one seemed to be worried about me. I found those papers of research in his room today and I took them with me. I don't know why but I want to read them. I shouldn't have written anything bad about him in my previous entries. Just forget them! Kane doesn't care about me. I heard from daichi that he was making fun of me. He doesn't even care if his sister will leave him forever very soon. Voltaire grandpa didn't even express any sadness when he took me from hospital today. It's as if he doesn't care about me. All he cares about is Daichi and Kai.

I never knew my life would end like this- because of a disease that has no cure and couldn't be fought with. I dreamt of going abroad and studying. I dreamt of becoming the best Engineer I can. I worked hard after mom passed away and took care of Kane but it's all not worth now. I should have taken care of myself alone perhaps.

At last, nothing remained.

I've kept you in curiosity all the times about my infatuation that has transformed into love, isn't it? Any guess dear book of who he is? Who could it be?

Hmm, yeah right. I hear you. You're correct. It was always him….Kai. I'm not sure if it was correct to fall for him, but we all know it right? Love is unconditional and limitless.

And I'm here, silly, won't be able to tell him ever. I'm so stupid. I heard Grandpa searching for a girl for him. What can I do? I hope I could get a life for few more days so that at least I could see that lucky girl.

I don't think our talks will ever be read by another person. Kai will never know of what I felt form him, something more than a brother.

Goodbye, thanks for being my closest friend, dear book."

Kai was shocked to every bit reading her feelings about him. There was someone who loved him, loved him so much but he didn't see that. How can he be so blind? And she went away without even telling.

Kai's POV:

I don't know what I'm feeling.

I'm seriously shaking and my eyes are reading those lines again and again. She seriously must have thought that nobody would take the plunge of coming to her room, unlock it, find the keys to read her innermost thoughts and feelings.

It's hard and so stupendous of her to be so brave and console herself alone and hide of the important feelings. I did that too…But they contained loneliness and solitude only with some insecurity. That's it.

So she loved me?

Akira loved me…

She died away without even telling me. *sob*

But there's no use of thinking of her… She took everything along with her leaving behind these painful entries…

How could I have been so blind?

A/N: Thanks so much for all of your reviews! That means a lot! Ezabella! You're my favorite reviewer for this story seriously! Thanks so much to everyone and giving me the courage to write it. Seriously, I thought to abandon this story but inly your hopes of this story to be updates pushed me to write. Uff.