Four
When we are done, sweaty, broken and bleeding, sitting in the healer's office, she speaks again. "You know I didn't mean it. I know you love him." Evangeline's fat lip hindering her speech.
"I know," clasping my bloody knuckled hands in my lap, wincing as I adjust in my seat. I'm pretty sure my hip is bruised. "Seriously though, why are you so worried about it?"
She sighs resting her elbows on her knees. "I just…" She trails off. "I just remember how he was after the whole alliance thing and…" She leans back in the chair, "I don't know, I just know he must be dying inside." Her dark eyes meet mine, "I know you are."
I look down at my hands again. "I feel like I'm missing a limb or a tooth." I don't know why I tell her this but I continue, "I keep feeling the empty space and I'm not sure how to fill it."
"Then why don't you read the letters?" She asks again.
"Why are you so obsessed with them?" I retort, "Do you want to read them?" I ask rhetorically.
"No," Evangeline sneers at me, "Because I think it's stupid. I know he's miserable and I can see you're miserable and there's literally nothing stopping you two from being together. So, what is the problem?" She's almost seething, her cheeks almost bone-white as her face flushes with annoyance.
"In case you've forgotten, I killed his brother." I respond through clenched teeth.
"Oh, I remember," She says dangerously as she leans forward in her chair. "I also remember that his brother imprisoned you for months and was inches away from killing you himself."
"It's not that simple and you know that!" I growl and the lights flicker. I take a deep breath and lean back in my chair trying to control myself.
"I know it's not," Evangeline's tone is decidedly calmer than the one before, still she pushes on. "And that's why I know that if anyone can handle it, it's you." She huffs sitting back in her chair, crossing her arms over her chest. "It's incredible to me how blatantly ignorant you can be." At my incredulous look she goes on, her voice almost a whisper, "Haven't you realized how strong you are yet? How much you can handle?" She asks the question so genuinely I think it may be a sincere question. "Everything you've endured? I'm not sure even I could get through that in one piece."
I look down at my hands still caked with her blood and mine, not able to hold her gaze. The answer is simple and it comes to me quickly. No, I haven't and I'm broken.
"Don't forget lightening girl, I was there when you were at your worst." She whispers in the cold white room. "I remember the fire you still had when you were wasting away. It's still there, it hasn't gone anywhere."
All I can think is, I'm not that girl anymore. She died in White Fire palace.