an: thanks again for all the reviews! Much appreciated/loved. so here we go again folks. nearing the end now.
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Improbable
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It had probably all been a dream.
Cal was quite certain of it, as his mind reluctantly dragged itself back into consciousness.
"...I didn't realise..."
"...what are we going to do?"
The voices were hushed but very familiar, as if they expected anything too loud might break something fragile. There were other noises too, but they weren't nearly so important.
Cal opened his eyes.
He must still have been dreaming, because Rose was looking at him with softer eyes. Like she could actually stand him.
"He's waking," she said. Relieved.
Yes, he was definitely dreaming.
It was disorienting either way, and he rubbed an aching head and thought he might be sick. Pushing an unknown hand away from his chest, he turned onto his side and coughed up the horrible sting of seawater.
"Better?" said Jack's voice.
Cal looked round, too confused to be very humiliated.
Jack was crouched next to him, anxiety flashing in his eyes. Both his hands curled tightly around Cal's, like he might never let go again.
Surely it was a dream, then.
"Cal?" Jack spoke again, more concern edging his voice. "Are you alright?"
Cal coughed up some more water.
"...I feel rotten."
Jack laughed, though it was uneven.
"Well. I don't like to be the bearer of bad news, but the ship is still sinking, and we're still on it," then he let go of Cal's hands rather too quickly, and gestured to Rose. "Rose found us. She's safe."
"Oh," Cal struggled upright. He rubbed his head again and flinched, remembering everything else. "I was hoping perhaps it was all just an awful dream..."
"Unfortunately not," said Rose.
She was still looking at him in that unnatural way, like she might be seeing him for the very first time. Or something odd like that.
Even odder, her hand moved carefully around his back, and then she and Jack were helping him up, back onto his feet.
Combating another nauseous wave, the reality of the situation returned to him rapidly. Water was pouring through the dining room, and there were the echoed shouts and cries of people from somewhere above them.
"Quick, up the stairs," Jack said, gesturing to the grand staircase.
It was already flooding water, and the trek up it was laborious at best.
Jack led the way (of course he would) and Rose hung at Cal's side. Her hand never quite on his arm, but alarmingly close.
"Rose-" Cal started.
"Not now, Cal," she said, keeping her gaze ahead. "Please."
"...alright."
He didn't know what he would have said to her, anyway. Nothing would have been appropriate. It was obvious, why she hadn't got on a lifeboat yet, and why she was here.
Cal didn't need to hear her say aloud that she loved Jack.
The very idea of it made his chest tighten and his throat close up, but only because it was more complicated now.
And Cal didn't think he'd mind Rose falling for anyone else.
Another wave of dizziness assaulted him, and he halted and clung to the banister to recover himself for a moment.
"Does it hurt?" Rose asked.
She stopped near to him, her stare not cold, but entirely neutral.
Cal smiled vaguely.
"Yes. If it makes you happy, it does."
It was petty, but it granted him a small scrap of satisfaction, just seeing her expression twist into anything else, besides nothing at all.
She looked upset though, and it wasn't so satisfying as he'd expected it to be.
"I don't want to see you hurt, Cal," she said. "Despite what you might think."
Cal took another step, and the dizziness began to subside.
"I feel the same," he said, and noticed her wavering hand.
She opted not to touch his arm though.
"Perhaps we should have talked more," she said instead.
It was only a moment's pause between them, but Cal wondered if Rose was almost regretful. It might have been wishful thinking though. She'd turned away before he could properly tell.
"Come on," Jack called. "We've got to move quickly now."
At the top of the staircase was a bizarre mix between the reigns of chaos and calm.
Some gentlemen were seated with their brandy in the most dignified of conversation, whilst others were running out onto the decking, calling for help.
Cal swallowed hard, and then felt the hand, tightly grasping his wrist. He looked down, recognising it as Jack's.
"We need to get Rose to a lifeboat, Cal."
Cal nodded automatically.
"Yes. Of course."
8
8
On the deck the crowd were becoming riotous, and officers orders were mostly in vain, drowned out by the mounting panic.
Cal and Jack flanked Rose, escorting her through the mania as smoothly as was possible.
"I won't leave without you, Jack," Rose said.
They reached one of the last barely organised groups, where people were still being ordered forward by the rule of women and children first.
"Don't make this difficult, Rose," Jack said. "You have to get on a lifeboat. Now."
The gap closed between the two of them, as he set his hands on her shoulders.
Cal looked out to the sea.
The near-distant display of released lifeboats and all their presumably safe passengers was a small comfort, and a kind of deja-vu. Maybe that was what made it comforting. Then Cal realised that anything was more preferable to looking at Jack and Rose in that moment.
"Rose, get on the lifeboat," Jack said again.
"No, I can't just leave you here to die."
"He won't," Cal said, far more sharply than he'd intended. "He won't die, I promise."
Both Jack and Rose turned and stared at him, and Cal cleared his throat, pretending their surprise didn't matter to him.
"Jack and myself will find another boat, Rose. I can have it arranged."
"How can you do that?" Rose demanded.
Cal smiled weakly.
"How else do you think? Money talks, my dear."
Rose scowled.
"How noble. Can you solve nothing at all without your money, Cal?"
"I didn't know you'd be so critical of my methods of protection," Cal's smile became brittle. "Considering the circumstances."
Jack clutched his shoulder. "Rose is scared, that's all."
"I'm not scared, Jack. Why can't either of you two just listen to me?"
Jack wiped a hand through his hair, and made a sound of exasperation. Cal turned away from the both of them.
He wasn't so angry as he supposed he should be.
If Rose wanted to defy him now, he had no reason to object to it. Maybe if would even have been disappointing if she'd been compliant about it. Her obvious dislike for him had always been reliable, if nothing else.
It was about the only thing that had remained an absolute constant in whatever constituted for their 'relationship'.
But of course.
The idea rocked him abruptly, like a bolt to his chest.
He gripped Rose's arm.
"Rose-"
"Cal, I don't want your-"
"I have a proposition," he interrupted.
He had to speak quickly, in case he lost his nerve.
"If you board the lifeboat now, we need not marry. And you need never see me again."
Rose stared at him.
"...what?"
There was a small instance of conflict on her face, and it was interesting because Cal had never known her to consider anything he said with much weight before. Now she was looking at him as though he might be an animal, undecided if he was dangerous or not.
"What if I don't get on the lifeboat?"
"Then I'm afraid we must be married. Assuming we don't perish first," Cal smiled. "I'm sure I can imagine which option is the most appealing to you, Rose."
It could have been amusing, and not madness, in any other situation. If he could work anything at all to his advantage, perhaps it would be her actual loathing for him. And it was easy to put on an air of confidence when it came to matters of business. Treating this as one; a mere business transaction, might have made it seem like his life wasn't actually falling into shambles. He could kid himself.
Besides that, he could feel Jack's eyes, burning intently on him.
"Cal..." Jack said. "We should tell-"
"This is preposterous," someone else said, from behind them.
They all whirled around, to see Ruth.
She was staring between them all with an ashen and horrified face.
"Have you gone completely mad, Cal? Or are you drunk?" her laugh was full of nerves, and then she looked at Rose with urgency. "Is he?"
"I'm sure I don't know,"
"Well, the entire thing is ridiculous," Ruth ushered Rose toward her. "There is a lifeboat waiting for us at this very moment, Rose. And you shall get on it, and we'll hear no more of this nonsense. Shall we, Mr. Hockley?"
She looked at Cal and then at Jack, with the unspoken impression of what she already knew. Her face scrunched up into unsubtle disgust.
Cal just smirked at her, and turned back to Rose.
"What do you say, Rose? Will you take up my offer?"
Rose seemed to hesitate, though.
"I need to know that Jack is safe. And this doesn't assure that."
Cal was not dissuaded. He had one more thing, almost literally up his sleeve.
He dug deep into his pocket, fingers curling round the heavy weight of the diamond with a detached sense of relief.
He pulled it quickly out, and offered it to Rose.
"You and your mother might consider this an extra incentive, if you like. And I'm sure a great relief from your family name's ruin."
Ruth's eyes became large, a pink blush creeping on her cheeks.
"Mr. Hockley, how can you suggest-"
"Shut up, mother," Rose said. She wasn't shouting, but it was defiant enough.
Her eyes were trained on Cal, glittering that sort of interest that he couldn't get used to. As if she suddenly had a thousand questions, and it was a damn shame, considering how many wasted hours they'd spent in pained silence together.
"I can't, Cal," she said, slowly. "Even if you...if you keep to your word, and I don't marry you, it means nothing."
Then her gaze turned to Jack, and Cal gritted his teeth, knowing that actually, nothing else mattered to her.
He realised he had no more cards to play but the truth of it...
The crowd around them was transforming into a terrible commotion that made it difficult to stay in one place. Patience had devolved into pushes and shoves and tears, and time wasn't going to wait for them anymore.
Jack suddenly cut between Rose and Ruth, like he might do something noble and try to resolve the situation.
Ruth turned on him though, grabbing his shirt and shaking him violently backwards into the crowd.
"All of this is your fault! You've ruined everything..."
Jack did not resist or argue, because he was decent like that, but Cal could feel his own hands twitching in anger, and he could never be so decent as Jack, even if he tried.
He struck through the crowd to bring Ruth back, and she rounded on him, her iced eyes becoming fire, and her hands scratching for the diamond.
"Give it to me, then! If Rose won't take a fool's offer, then I shall..."
She wrenched the diamond out of Cal's hand, before Jack was pulling her away again, and then they were both swallowed up by the crowd.
Cal felt Rose at his side, her hand clinging to his arm, perhaps to keep her own balance, as bodies jostled them together and voices became angrier all around them. Cal hardly had time to acknowledge it all, before a gunshot rang out, puncturing the air like an audible dagger.
There was a scream, and distantly he recognised it as Rose.
The crowd parted with murmured sounds.
Jack fell to the ground.
8
8
The air around them stilled momentarily into silence. Cal didn't really notice it, though.
He knelt down to Jack with his heart in his mouth. He was almost too afraid to speak because of it.
"...Jack?"
If he was dead, it might have made things simpler. But Cal wasn't sure he'd be able to cope with that. He couldn't even consider it.
Then Jack opened his eyes.
Cal's heart began to slow again, and he remembered to breathe again too.
"...are you alright?" he said, unable to keep the shake out of his voice. "I thought...I thought you were..."
Jack sat up. He looked faintly disoriented, more bewildered.
"Yeah..." he glanced down, where a small patch of red was slowly blooming on the arm of his shirt. "...what about the diamond? Ruth was-"
Cal looked at the wound in alarm.
"Jack..."
His hands trembled, hovering for the sleeve but never touching it. He didn't know what else to do.
Jack started to laugh at him, and winced a bit.
"Cal. I'm alright. I promise," he slowly rolled his sleeve up. "Looks way worse than it is."
The wound looked nasty, but it didn't look deep. It seemed like it'd just grazed past him. Jack was a lucky bastard.
If not for the shake in his voice, Cal would have told him so.
"I...I know," he said instead.
An attempted air of carelessness must have failed quite badly, because Jack's laughter subsided, falling into a soft smile. And then his hand was even softer on Cal's arm.
"Hey, I told you. I'm fine."
Cal nodded again.
"I know, I know..."
Around them, quiet had reverted back to panic, and Jack and Cal were all but forgotten on the ground, just surrounded by the blur of people.
It wouldn't have mattered if anyone was watching them, anyway.
"Cal, what about the dia-"
Cal reeled forwards, and wrapped his arms the rest of the way around Jack. The simplicity of the action, and then how it felt, was such a stunning relief that he might have sobbed.
How embarrassing it should have been.
"Hey..." Jack trailed off.
Then his arms reached round too, completing the embrace.
It was almost too much, but Cal didn't care for once. He didn't care about the press against his ribs, or the way Jack's hand curved on his head and made it sting, or the way the crowd parted. And Rose and Ruth were just standing there, watching them like statues.
Rose was watching them.
Her features were highlighted by the sudden explosion of flares, lighting up the sky. But she didn't look cold or furious or stunned or anything else that Cal might have expected. Not like Ruth, and the distraught sweep of her body, as she walked away from all of them.
Cal and Jack stood up together, and Cal tilted his head away from them.
"Rose..." said Jack.
"Don't," she raised a hand.
Though the decking was an orchestra of noise, the quiet between the three of them became almost tangible, and Cal's breath hung in his mouth.
Some tortured moment, in which time seemed to have caught up with him and reminded him of small annoyances; like consequences, and the idea that he might have done the very thing he'd resented Rose for.
To fall for somebody, so quickly and so hard, and without any sensible reason at all.
He should have known better, and it was a pity that Jack was so charming.
"I wish you had just told me," Rose said, into their silence.
Cal blinked, shocked by the blunt admission of her words. She didn't stumble over them, she could have been talking about anything at all.
Then her mouth turned up. The shine that touched her eyes was upsetting, though.
"I see Jack is important to both of us then, Cal."
"I-I didn't plan for this..."
As if he could reasonably justify any of it. He wanted to laugh at his own desperation, even as he spoke. Pathetic.
Rose laughed instead, saving him the job.
"Oh, you never 'plan' for these things, Cal. They just happen," she paused, and her face became wry when she looked at Jack again. "Obviously."
Jack was earnest as usual, like he might have been taking the burden of both Cal and Rose's distress all at once. He was selfless even when he was the subject of accusation, and it was fitting. Rose probably knew as well as Cal; it wasn't Jack's fault, he'd just helped speed up the inevitable.
"I'm sorry," said Jack, heartfelt in a way that could never have found Cal's voice.
Rose didn't seem to mind.
"I can see mother will be perfectly miserable about it."
"Rose-"
"But that is quite usual for her."
Then her smile raised up some more, like it might genuinely have pleased her to think about it.
She looked at Cal again, and her laugh was soft but not embittered.
"At least now I know that you'll try to keep Jack safe."
She was so matter of fact about it. And despite every ingrained practise, every lesson of decorum that had been drilled into him, and so taught him not to appreciate a woman so brazen, in this instant Cal realised how valuable it really was.
8
She walked to the lifeboats with only one backward glance, and Cal knew that it was for Jack alone.
Cal couldn't regret the loss of her. She had never been his to begin with, and they both knew it. Perhaps that was what made it less painful; it was some sort of escape for the both of them.
It was hard to get to grips with, though. Cal hardly knew that he'd needed any sort of escape in the first place.
Then he felt fingers brushing his own, and he remembered.
Jack smiled carefully at him.
"Are you alright?"
"Am I alright?" Cal scoffed. "I'm not the one who got shot at."
"You know what I mean."
"Not particularly," Cal considered. "Alright, I mean."
"Me neither," Jack was still smiling, though.
Cal sighed heavily, massaging the back of his tendered head with a groan.
"Well. At least now she's' free of a marriage she doesn't want', in your own brutal words, Dawson."
Jack turned properly to face him.
"Aren't you free, too?"
Another flare of fireworks lit up his face in that moment, accentuating all of the little things that Cal had already memorised about him. He needn't have even looked at him to know them. How easy it was.
Cal felt himself smile, albeit weakly.
"I don't know what I am anymore, Dawson. I do know that it's all your fault, though."
Jack's fingers were light, curving slowly around Cal's.
"Must be that bump on your head. It's done something to you."
"That's your fault too, Dawson, by the way."
"Heh. I am sorry."
They both watched, as Rose's lifeboat lowered down into the waters. She didn't look at either of them, gaze steadfastly ahead, on the stretch of black ocean. As if she was imagining another place entirely.
Cal could understand it.
"It was the right thing to do," Jack said. "You couldn't have lied to her, it isn't fair."
Cal looked at him. Ideally, he wouldn't have disputed it, and pretended he was decent like that. But Jack was too good at making him honest.
"I could have lied, Jack. It would have been easy."
"So you could both just continue being unhappy together? That doesn't sound very easy to me."
Cal blinked away, because Jack was right, as usual.
He watched the clear shapes of the other lifeboats, drifting away from the ship. There was that deja-vu feeling again, and then he remembered. He'd dreamt about it, or some interpretation of it, only a few hours ago.
Rose's boat was following the rest of them now, and she'd be safe.
Cal curled his hand, full of tension, around the rail of the ship.
"I keep thinking this is all a dream. Or a nightmare. It keeps changing like that."
"I prefer to think it's real," Jack said, with no hesitation at all.
"Even when we might die?"
"Yes."
In a motion that was decided more or less for them, the crowd began to ripple like the ocean itself, and Cal and Jack were jarred and pushed along the decking, away from the last boarding lifeboat.
Ruth was getting into it, the diamond still clutched tight in her hand. Near to her, a father was saying goodbye to his daughter, and Cal knew that she wasn't going to see him again.
He turned quickly to Jack, and tried to smile.
"I don't know if I can keep you safe anymore, Jack."
"I don't expect you to."
Jack placed his hands on Cal's shoulders, squeezing them a bit.
"But we still have every chance. So we can't give up, right?"
It was strange, how much optimism Jack might inspire.
Cal wasn't very optimistic at the best of times, but now here they were, trapped aboard a sinking ship, and when he looked at Jack it was like they might still have a chance. No matter how improbable it actually was.
Jack was too good at that, making things seem possible.
Cal sneered faintly.
"Stop trying to inject some honest to goodness positivity into me, Dawson. I think I'll soon be sick on the wretched stuff."
Jack grinned at him.
Then, as the last explosion of white light dazzled the sky, and the crowded deck brought them roughly back to the present, he took Cal's hand.
"Stay with me now."
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an: Rose's reaction am very blah about. But yeah I've written myself into an unforgiving corner here. Pretty sure next chapter is gonna be the last though :) and I wish I hadn't done this 'Im' word theme (kill me). Please review if you can, and tell me what you might like to see in the conclusion! I'm open-minded (and frankly stuck) about it!~