Disclaimer: Anything familiar belongs to JE.

Warning: Adult language, adult situations

Entries Correspond to Chapter 3 of "I Should Have Known Better"

May 4, 2014

Dear Diary,

On Friday I confirmed my pregnancy with my ob/gym, Dr. Mitchell. When I arrived home, I prepared dinner for Joe and I. After dinner; I told Joe I was pregnant, due in December. I thought I saw a flash of annoyance and anger, but then he was excited. He picked me up and spun me around. He kissed me deeply. Then, he carried me up to our bedroom where we had sex all night long. When we woke up yesterday morning, he suggested that we had to Newark to get married today. This way, when we told our families that we were expecting, we could circumvent all the bitching and moaning that they will do because we weren't married. He said Mooch's cousin was a priest and could do the ceremony.

I had gotten an annulment after my divorce from Dickie, so I was able to get married church again. I called Mary Lou and asked her to go to lunch. Once I picked her up, I told her that Joe and I were eloping and wanted her and Mooch to stand for us. We quickly went to Macy's to get dresses, then met Joe to go to Newark. The priest was nice, and the ceremony was simple. However, because this was MY wedding, all Hell had to break loose.

Right at the end of the ceremony, when we were getting ready to leave, another family walked in for baptism. Little did we know that it was Ranger's sister's son who was getting baptized and that Ranger was the Godfather. When I heard him say 'Babe,' I almost collapsed. There was so much pain in his voice, in that one word. I had to put on my happy face, even though I was miserable. Then to see Julie, mi Cielito, with her father, so confused as to what was happening. She knew I loved her father, we e-mailed and talked frequently. She knew, or at least guessed, that her father loved me. She was certain we were going to be a family. Now, I was not only breaking my heart and her father's heart, but also hers. We spoke for a few minutes before leaving to get back to Trenton in time to go to dinner with our families.

Now, I have to go into work tomorrow and announce to my brother's that Joe and I eloped and that I'm pregnant. I think Ranger already figured that out. I have also decided that tomorrow is that day to tell Ranger about our child. He needs to know how badly I fucked up.

Stephanie

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May 5, 2014

Dear Diary,

Today was a day from Hell. I could tell my brothers were disappointed that I married Joe, though they were excited to hear that I was pregnant. Then I decided to tell Ranger about our baby. When I finished telling him, he held me in his arms, reassuring me that I was not at fault; telling me that he still loved me. I don't know when I fell asleep, but I did, and he did as well. When Tank woke us up, I was disappointed. I didn't want to leave Ranger's arms, but I had to leave. Joe had some big, important dinner to go to, so I had to get ready.

I arrived home and took a shower. I was planning on wearing my hair curly, but then Joe made his comment about looking proper, so out came my straightener. Now, he wants me to straighten my hair permanently. The dinner went well. I really liked Captain Malone, Agent Whitman, and their wives. However, Joe was annoyed at me because they wanted to talk about my bounty hunting exploits and Ranger. I couldn't help but get excited while talking about Ranger. I tried to curtail my excitement a little bit, but I don't think I succeeded.

When we got home, Joe tied me up. I sort of enjoyed it. I don't trust Joe. He made it good for me and didn't do anything I didn't want so that I may try it again, but I'm not sure. I think he was trying to punish me for talking about Ranger. I mean, he passed a few comments about me being an embarrassment to him. He also commented that I might be getting a gift certificate for a boob job for my birthday. Really, Joe? A gift for him on my birthday for something I don't even want. I'm happy with what I got, well, maybe I would like bigger tits, but I'm not about to let a plastic surgeon give them to me.

He finally fell asleep, so I was able to sneak away to write down my thoughts. Carlos, I miss you. I miss the feel of your arms around me. When I go to sleep at night, I dream about you and me, how we made love all day and all night, how you complete me. I love you, Carlos.

Stephanie