Disclaimer: Anything familiar belongs to JE.

Warning: Adult language, adult situations

Entries Correspond to Chapter 4 of "I Should Have Known Better"

June 26, 2014

Dear Diary,

Today I had my sixteen weeks prenatal appoint with Dr. Mitchell. Joe said that he was going to meet me at her office. When I arrived and didn't see him there, I knew that he wasn't going to show up. I checked my phone to make sure that I didn't miss any messages from him, but alas, he didn't bother to call. I don't know why I'm surprised. I mean, since the night of the dinner, he has become more distant, meaner, and disconnected with me. The sex is horrible, rough and satisfying, at least for me. When I go to the back to meet with the doctor, she tells me that I'm doing great. Well, it seems that I can keep a baby safe.

Ranger asked me to tell him how my appointment went. I considered calling him once I got home, but when I looked at the time, I had to hustle to get dinner ready so it would be on the table at six sharp. When we rode down the elevator together, all I wanted to do was to lean up against him, feel his arms wrapped around me, his scent enveloping me, but I can't give in to those desires. I belong to Joe now; he's my husband.

Joe didn't arrive home at six as I was expecting him. I checked my phone, but no text, no message. At six-fifteen, I was too hungry to wait any longer. If Joe is pissed that I ate without waiting for him, he'll have to deal. I'm sixteen weeks pregnant, and I was fucking hungry. He didn't show up until almost ten. He didn't give me an excuse or reason. I've learned long ago not to call him. The one time I called him when he was late, he was so angry at me.

Flashback

It was the day before Valentine's Day. I just finished dinner at five-forty-five. I'm so proud of myself. The pot roast was cooked to perfection, the carrots were delicious, and the mashed potatoes were smooth. I made my first complete Burg dinner. I look at the clock, noticing that it's six-thirty and he's not home yet. I decide to wait another fifteen minutes before I call him. Then at six forty-five, I decide that I can't wait for Joe anymore. I call his cell phone.

"Hello," Joe says, obviously out of breath.

"Joe! You're okay. Thank goodness. Are you going to be home soon? You're late."

"Damn it, Cupcake. You made me lose my guy. Don't you ever call me? I'll call you if you need to know something." Joe said before hanging up on me.

A half an hour later, he walked in the door. "Why did you call me? I lost the I guy I've spent the last three days looking everywhere for. Then, you called as I was about to apprehend him. Now, I have to explain to the Chief why he's still at large."

"Joe, I was worried. You are never late. I thought something happened to you. You could've called or texted to let me know you were running late. Then I wouldn't have called you."

"Listen, Cupcake; I'm not on set schedule. If I'm home on time, I'm home. If not, I'm not. Just NEVER call me again, unless you're life is in danger. Understand?"

"Why are you so unreasonable?"

Joe was angry. "Get upstairs, now, Cupcake."

"No. You are going to answer my question." I reply, standing firm. He picked me up and carried me to his bedroom. He threw me on the bed before climbing on top of me.

"You do not question me. What do I need to do to make you understand your place, Cupcake?" He pulled my jeans and panties off. Then, he took off my top and bra. He flipped me on my stomach. I saw him reach inside the drawer of his end table, pulling out a dildo. He also pulled out a tube of lube. He put the lube on the dildo, then shoved it in my ass. "Ouch. Stop, Joe, that hurts. Get that out of me."

"No, you need to be punished, you need to learn your place. Now, turn yourself around so you can suck my cock while I fuck your ass."

I had no choice put to comply to his wishes. Once he came, he stopped, but I was sore for two days. I couldn't sit down. I often ask myself why I stayed after that night, why I didn't leave, but the only reason I can give myself is that I felt that I didn't deserve to be happy. My chance at happiness was gone when Ranger never returned. Me not taking care of our baby, that was why I stayed. I felt I deserved this life, and I still feel that way. Ranger is too good of a man for me; he doesn't deserve me.

Now, I have to sit here and wait, wait for Joe to come home or for one of my friends to be at more door, telling me he's been injured or is dead. My dear Carlos, I love, you, please don't leave Trenton. I won't survive without you in my life."

Stephanie

XXXXXXXXXX

June 28, 2014

Dear Diary,

The last day and a half have me on an emotional roller coaster. After Joe finally arrived home on Thursday night, safe and in one piece, he asked me to model my dress for the big fundraiser last night. I hated the dress, but I had to go shopping with Val and my mother. They both loved the dress, so I know it is "Burg," which means Joe will like it. He gave the dress his approval. When I went to change out of it, I decided to surprise my husband and put on a sexy new teddy that I'd purchased with him in mind. I made my way down the stairs, ready to seduce my husband. He took one look at me, then dismissed me in favor of a game. I was crushed and hurt. I went back to our room and changed into my pajamas, his t-shirt, panties, and boxers. I curled into a ball, crying myself to sleep. I kept thinking about how Joe no longer finds me attractive, how our sex life is non-existent except when he has a hard-on. I'm forced to give him blow jobs all the time, but he rarely gives me an orgasm. Since I told him I was pregnant, he's barely kissed me or touched me. When we have sex, it's all wham, bam, thank you, ma'am. No foreplay, no dirty talk, no whispering of sweet nothings. What am I doing? Why I'm I staying with him?

The baby. That's why. Then, the next morning, I told Ranger about my attempt to seduce Joe. What was his response? That I don't have to stay with Joe, that he will help me, that he will take care of me. He apologized to me like this is all his fault. I don't deserve Ranger in my life. I had to leave work early to get my hair done by Mr. Alexander. He straightened my hair for the night. When I told him I wanted a Brazilian straightening treatment, he almost cried. "Stephanie, why do you want to get rid of your beautiful curls? They are you, in every way."

"Joe doesn't like them. I don't have time to straighten my hair daily."

"Well, Joe is an ass. I can fit you in next week. How's that?"

"Fine. Thank you."

Then, when we arrived at the fundraiser, Joe dragged me over to Uncle Joe, only because Ranger was talking to him. He had to shove it in his face that I was with Joe and not Ranger. To give Ranger credit, he didn't back down. It broke my heart to realize how much Julie still hoped that her father and I would get together. The highlight of the night, though, was dancing with Ranger. I felt like we were the only two people in the universe. We both forgot where we were. No words were spoken, but our bodies spoke to each other. I didn't want the moment to end. I know we were seconds away from giving in to the passion that's between us, seconds away from announcing to the Burg how we feel about each other, seconds away from causing World War III, but then the clapping began. I needed to get away from Ranger, and he from I. Thank God for Lester. We danced, and once again, I felt free. I remember what he told me while we were dancing, "Beautiful, Carlos loves you more than anyone else in the world, more than Julie, more than his mother and his sisters. You are his everything. He's miserable without you. When you are in the same room as him, or even in the building, he's a much happier man. I saw that beautiful smile, that twinkling in your eyes that I've missed for so long while you were dancing with my cousin. Stephanie, if Joe is hurting you in any way, even if it's not physically, please don't stay with him. You and Carlos need each other. Leave Joe and go somewhere far away from Trenton with Carlos. I promise you, Beautiful; you will never want for anything. Carlos would give you the world if he could. He has enough money that you can live wherever you want and never have to work another day, either of you. Please, Stephanie, don't stay with Joe for the baby. The results could be detrimental to you, Beautiful. I love you, as a sister, and I don't want to see you hurt. Please, Stephanie, let us help you."

That night, I was told by Uncle Joe, Daddy, Lester, Ranger, and Manny to leave Joe, that they all support me and have my back. Why don't they understand I can't do that? Why don't they understand that this is my penance for losing killing my baby?

Stephanie