Dear Diary (Companion Piece to I Should Have Known Better)

by misty23y

This is a companion piece to "I Should Have Known Better." After Bobby brings Stephanie to Point Pleasant, she begins meeting with a grief counselor to help her deal with her depression. Dr. Richardson suggests that Stephanie write in a diary so she can see her thoughts and how they change over time. Best to read simultaneously with ISHKB.

5. Chapter 5

Disclaimer: Anything familiar belongs to JE.

Warning: Adult language, adult situations

Entries Correspond to Chapter 6 of "I Should Have Known Better"

August 13, 2014

Dear Diary,

I hate my life. What did I do to deserve this horrible life that I'm stuck living? I have a mother who hates everything about me, constantly putting me down and siding with everyone else. I have a husband who ignores me except when he needs my body to satisfy his body. My best friend, boss, confident, and love of my life I can't confide in because I don't want him to kill Joe. I don't know how much longer I can deal with my life. Right now, it's the knowledge that I'm growing a baby inside me that is keeping me alive. I already killed one baby by not being smart and proactive; I refuse to allow another child of mine to be hurt before he is even born.

I am trying to do everything right, trying to keep Joe happy, but I don't seem to be succeeding. Joe is out to make my life as miserable as possible. My only relief has been my showers, when I can live in my mind, remembering what it was like when Carlos was my lover; when he filled me with his seed. Carlos is the perfect lover, attentive, caring, animalistic, passionate. No matter how we made love, it was magnificent. He would always ask if I was okay or if he hurt me if we were unusually rough. He never wanted me to go without a release, Carlos would hold off on his release to ensure that I was thoroughly sated. In the shower, with the massager, I can image his hand, mouth, lips, tongue, running along my body, his beautiful, strong cock inside me, and I call out his name when I have my release. Unfortunately, Joe heard me the other day. Let's say that I'll never have another orgasm in my life. He took out the massager and replaced it with a fixed shower head; then he raped me. Joe's punishment is anal sex, over and over again. He's always rough. I'm having a hard time not crying out in pain. When he finishes, I can barely sit down. I know I haven't used that word before, but I am beginning to realize that Joe is raping me every time he forces himself on me. Bastard. But, I still can't leave him because this baby is his. If only I can get some reason to divorce him, something that will blame him, make him wrong, then maybe I can escape. Carlos and the BLT crew have offered to track Joe, hell, Hector offered to follow Joe around personally, but I won't let them do that. Maybe I'm in Denial Land, maybe I don't want them to be the ones to tell me, but I know Joe will fuck up. I only hope that I'm still alive when he does.

Stephanie

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August 20, 2014

Dear Diary,

Carlos has been in Miami this past week, for Julie's quinceanera, and Joe's been a little nicer to me. He hasn't raped me; he allowed me to have an orgasm. I didn't have to fake it. On Saturday, my mother, Valerie and Mrs. Morelli threw me a baby shower. It was a nice day, and Joe came to pick up all the gifts to bring them home. I still haven't told him we are having a boy. I refuse to give him any information about this baby until he starts to show some genuine interest in his child. I had to stop myself from revealing to the entire Burg that the baby was a boy when I saw all the pink and blue. At least I know that I won't need half the clothes.

On Monday, I had to take off from work, because my wonderful mother (note the sarcasm) decided to schedule the delivery of the nursery furniture during my work hours. Thankfully, Tank was fine with me taking the day off. When I walked into Rangeman yesterday, I found out that my brothers had thrown me a baby shower as well. I was so overwhelmed by their thoughtfulness, and their gifts were truly perfect. They got me the top of the line car seats, the safest ones on the market. Ella made a beautiful diaper cake. The best gift, though, was the return of Carlos. The Burberry diaper bag filled with baby supplies was pretty awesome as well. He had the bag personalized with my initials, so it is non-refundable. Take that, Joe. The Merry Men packed up my car and brought all my gifts home, putting them away for me. Hector installed one of the car seats in my car. He said that it was never too early to be safe. The Core Team gave my son Rangeman uniform. I know I need to hide that gift, Joe will definitely not appreciate it.

When Joe arrived home, he was angry at first, until he realized that the car seats really were the top of the line and that gift was typical shower gifts. I told him the diaper bag was from the Core Team. If I would've said it came only from Carlos, well, I don't even want to think about that punishment.

Stephanie

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September 2, 2014

Dear Diary,

I approached Joe with the idea that I would work for Rangeman part-time from home after the baby was born. He flipped out. He got angry, reminding me that I agreed to stay home after the baby was born and not work. He doesn't understand how miserable I will be. I'm not cut out to be a housewife. I hate cleaning; I dislike cooking. I probably won't mind caring for my son, but to be stuck home every day, to only be able to communicate with other adults at the store or family dinners? That image gives me the chills.

When I told Carlos that Joe wouldn't let me work, he immediately became concerned once again, asking if Joe was hurting me physically. I can't bring myself to tell Carlos about how Joe rapes me multiple time every day. If I tell Carlos, he'll kill Joe. I once again break down in front of Carlos, and he enfolds me in his strong arms, and for a few minutes, I can pretend that he is mine and I am his. Then reality sets in, and I remember that I belong to Joe.

Then, out of the blue, some hoochie momma from the coffee shop near the station comes in, telling me that she's pregnant with my husband's child; that they enjoyed a vacation in NYC when I thought he was working in Maryland. How many lies has he told me? How many signs have I ignored or miss? I noticed her lipstick, and it looks familiar. I realized that her shade is one of the shades that I've seen on his shirts. Fuck me! What did I ever do in my life to deserve to be treated so poorly? I looked at Gina and saw here as a woman worthy of Joe. With her perfect blonde hair, perfect makeup, and a larger chest, she's the type of woman that Joe wants me to be. I mean, he's even hinted at me getting a boob job and dying my hair blonde, in addition to getting rid of curls. He wants me to look like Gina, and in turn, Terry. I wish I were enough for him, that I was his ideal, but I'm no one's ideal. I'm just a plain girl from the Burg who is a disaster.

The only positive thing about Gina's confession is that I will get proof of Joe's infidelity, that I'll be able to break free from him and NOT be the bad guy. I allow Carlos and his Merry Men to gather the evidence I need to either force Joe on the straight and narrow or to allow me to leave Joe so that I can raise my son free from the Morelli curse. Carlos says he'll be there for me, always, but I won't get my hopes up. I mean, what man wants to raise the child of another man? Two more weeks until I know how fucked up my life has become.

Stephanie

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September 16, 2014

Dear Diary,

I am a horrible wife. I am a horrible lover. I am a horrible woman. Those are the three phrases that have been coursing through my brain and my heart for the last two weeks, since that day the Gina Canestro came strolling into Rangeman to tell me that my husband was fucking her, and is expecting a child with her. Even though Carlos was there, as always, to pick up the broken pieces, there is no way that everything he said to me is true. I mean, even he couldn't commit to me.

I've had enough of Joe. I plan on leaving him, moving into Rangeman, at least temporarily, to get away from my jackass of a husband. I want him to give up any claim to this child that I'm carrying that we made. I want this son of mine to know how to treat a woman, how to be faithful, kind, loving, and caring. How to show his emotions but still "be a man." That is something that both Carlos and Joe are lacking. However, I will not allow this son to grow up to be the typical Morelli man. Even if I have to run away with him, I will. There is nothing that I could do that would be too much for my son.

I'm conflicted about Carlos. Two weeks ago, he told me that he loves me, wants me, only me. While I know that those sentiments are true for Carlos, I'm having difficulty believing them from Carlos. He told me so many times that his life didn't lend itself to relationships, that his love didn't come with a ring, but a condom might come in handy, that he loved me, in his own way. All those qualifiers make me feel like I am inadequate, not enough to satisfy a man as perfect as Carlos, as perfect as Carlos.

Added to that, my mother has been telling me since as far back as I could remember that I am a screw-up, a fuck up, a waste. Joe never took the time to tell me he's proud of me. Even my sister isn't 100 percent in my corner. I think my dad supports me, but he never says much. Why is it that the only person in my life who was ever proud of me is Carlos?

Right now, the only thing I am sure of is that I want to leave Joe. After that, I'm clueless. There is a huge part of my heart and brain that is hoping that Carlos steps up to the plate, to make all those promises that he made those two days before he left to come true, but I refuse to hold my breath. While I settled for Joe, there will be no settling for anything less than Carlos's whole heart. If he were to reject me, my life would be over. I have already decided, should something happen to me, my son is to live with Carlos. If he doesn't accept him, then Lestor, followed by Bobby, lastly Tank. I know my guys won't let me down. Lester is my second choice because he is Carlos's cousin and the most emotionally "mature" of my brothers. Bobby follows because of his training as a medic. I only added Tank because I didn't want him to feel bad.

If Carlos rejects me, then my son will never know his mommy. I will not be able to go on without having Carlos by my side. I need all of him, not a "Friends with Benefits" arrangement. He once told me I held all the power, be he doesn't realize that power was always all his. One simple phrase, three little words, would have been all I needed to be HIS, for him to be MINE. But those words were elusive. Tomorrow will be the moment of truth. Tomorrow I will find out how much Joe fucked me over. Tomorrow I will find out if I'm worthy of love.

As Scarlet O'Hara would say, tomorrow is another day.

Stephanie

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September 17, 2014

Dear Journal,

My poor Babe. I'm sitting in my office at 0600 looking at the evidence collected during the last two weeks that prove Morelli's infidelity. Just in these last two weeks, he's fucked, ten different women. TEN! Then, he's returning to his house where he proceeds to rape Stephanie, all in the name of her performing her duties as his wife. Fuck him to Hell and back. When Steph agreed to us following Morelli around last week, we placed an audio tracker on his watch, which he always wears. This way, we'd have an audio track to go along with the video. Hector, wanting to make sure that Stephanie was okay, listened to their interaction one-night last week. When he made me listen to the recording, it took all my control not to go over to his house and beat him to a bloody pulp before cutting off his dick. I think Hector was having similar visions.

We heard Joe arrive home, calling for Stephanie. When she answered his call, he asked her if dinner was ready. She told him that she was extremely tired and fell asleep after getting home. She didn't have an opportunity to cook and ordered take-out from Pino's. He proceeds to yell at her, calling her an incompetent woman who was more concerned with trying to be a man than to be a proper wife. Then, he ordered her into the kitchen. We heard him throw away her food while he ate his. When he finished eating, he bends her over the table and fucked her anally. I heard her whimpering and apologizing. When he finished raping her, he demanded head from her. She complied, but we could tell that he was forcing himself deep inside her mouth, for she kept on gagging. After he had his second release, he moved the party to his bedroom, where we heard him tie her to the bed, before fucking her once again. He left her restrained while he went out to play poker, punishing her by not allowing her to eat. He returned at 0300 when he woke her up by raping her again, starting while she was still sleeping. That continued until he passed out at about 0430. When his alarm went off at 0600, he demanded another blow job from her before he showered and left for work. I'm sickened by his actions.

When Stephanie arrived at work, I asked her how she was feeling. She said she was exhausted but overall fine. She couldn't look me in the eye. I again implored her to confide in me, but she refused. She asked if we had enough evidence yet, but we didn't have anything usable at that point. When I told her, I could see the disappointment, the sadness, and the fear course through her body. All I wanted to do was kidnap her, taking her to an undisclosed location, giving us new identities so I could help her to escape Morelli.

Now, I have all the evidence I need to prove that Morelli is a fucking pig, a son of a bitch, and a lying, cheating bastard. I hope that my Babe can survive his betrayal, that she can escape his house after she confronts him without being injured or hurt. I need to find a way to convince her to allow me to be with her when she confronts Morelli. I can't lose her now when I'm so close to having her, to being able to claim her as MINE.

I open my top desk drawer and take out a picture frame. The image enclosed is one of Stephanie in that sexy black dress that she wore to Kinsey's father-in-law's award ceremony in Atlantic City. It was during Kinsey's rehearsal dinner that I allowed myself to admit that I was in love with Stephanie. When she was walking down the aisle towards me, I couldn't help but picture her in a wedding gown, walking to me, to become my wife. Fuck me! Why was I such an ass? Dios, please make this wonderful, sexy, caring, and loving woman come to me forever. Make sure that she can escape Morelli without being hurt.

I know that I will push Stephanie to stay in my building, preferable on seven, but if she chooses four, that's fine. As long as she is near me, and I can watch her and guard her, I'll be happy. I will make Stephanie mine; she will be wearing my ring, even if it means that I have to kill Detective Joe Morelli.

R

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Author's Note: Here you are, an update to "Dear Diary." I decided to throw in an entry from Ranger's POV, to find out what he's thinking. I was considering sharing JoMo innermost thoughts, but I don't think I want to know what he's thinking. While the majority of the entries will be Stephanie's, I'll have at least one entry from Ranger from now on. I expect to end writing the entries to Stephanie's and Carlos' marriage. So, a few more chapters to go. Please read and review.

Remember, no beta, on purpose, so I apologize in advance for all mistakes. I'll edit and repost when I finish "I Should Have Known Better."