Disclaimer: I own nothing.

Seven

The wedding is in a week and we leave for Norta – The Nortan Republic – tomorrow. Gisa has already packed my bags and they wait for me at the foot of my bed. There is a bridal luncheon the day after tomorrow, a tour of the city the next day, a state dinner the day after that, and then finally the wedding after that. Then we come home.

Home. I'm not even sure where that is any more or what the definition truly is. Is it where you're loved ones are? If it is, mine are strewn across miles, achingly long miles. How can I choose one happiness over the other when my heart lives in two different places?

Cal's letters are stacked on my bedside table. Unread. Two more were added a week ago during Julian's last visit before his big day. I have 7 unread letters. I lay on my side above the covers on my bed examining the papers. I can see a small char on the corner of one of the papers. It's from the first set. I finger it gently trying not to break the paper.

She finds me in my room switching the lights on and off with my breathing. Evangeline had gone back to the Rift last week to help her brother settle things with their home, leaving me alone without a sparring partner, and strangely, inexplicably, I'm bored without her. I also have an abundance of energy.

I hear a voice as I plunge the room back into darkness. "Having fun are we?" I blink the lights back on to see Farley leaning on the frame of the open doorway. She has let her hair grow out, now barely touching her shoulders. It shines like a halo from the hallway light behind her. She has papers clutched in her hands.

I sit up on the bed pulling my knees up to my chin, "Whatcha got there?" I ask trying to sound casual. It doesn't work.

She crosses the room easily and sits down next to me on the bed. "Ah, well, one is your itinerary from Tahir," she hands the paper to me rolling her eyes. "Tahir thinks it's important you have it at least."

I raise an eyebrow at her taking the paper, "Okay? Not like we didn't go over it yesterday."

Farley shrugs and looks down at her hands at the folded piece of paper left.

It's addressed to her. I would know that handwriting from a mile away and I can't stop my heart from skipping.

"I…," She starts slowly, carefully. "I got a letter." She glances at my bedside table at the stack of the others. "I see you've received yours." At my silence she continues. "I also received a letter," She repeats waving the card a bit, "A letter with instructions." At that she catches my gaze. He ice blue eyes fill with sadness and guilt. And worse of all, pity. I don't want her pity.

"Farley," I warn as I unfold my legs and go to take a step away from her and any instructions the ex-king may have for her.

She grabs my wrist to stop me and I don't flinch. For the first time in I don't know how long the feeling doesn't make me want to vomit. Her touch is warm and comforting. I stop cold, sitting back on the bed in shock. I stare at her hand.

She notices and loosens her grip, but doesn't release. "Is this okay?" She asks quietly, knowing exactly what my reaction, or lack thereof means.

I nod and she takes her hand away slowly, releasing one finger at a time.

"That's progress," She says smiling at me, "That's good, Mare." When I meet her gaze this time, I see something like pride shining back.

I turn toward the stack of letters on the bedside table. There is something in there he wants me to know. "What does it say?" I ask reluctantly, so quietly I barely hear myself.

Farley hears me, "He asked me how Clara was, how she's doing and all. He said it was nice seeing Kilorn last week." The lights up above flicker, "I take it Kilorn didn't tell you that part." She grimaces knowing the trouble she just caused for Kilorn.

"No, he did not." I say through gritted teeth. I can feel the heat rise to my face and the wine of the lights in the room get louder. I hear a buzz in my ears and I'm already regretting my decision for her to tell me in the first place. "Keep going."

"Well, he just continues to ask how different people are. How you are." She opens the letter and I catch a glimpse of his scrawling handwriting across the yellowed paper. Farley clears her throat and begins to read. "I've written her. Several times." Farley looks pointedly at me over the paper. "And she hasn't answered any of them. I don't blame her. I doubt she's even read them. I know she hasn't read them. I feel as if I'm drowning. When she was captured at least we had news of her. I was still helpless but this… this is worse. It's like she's a ghost. Like she never existed. This is so much worse."

The words are like a punch in the gut. I feel the air pushed from my lungs. I only thought of this as hurting myself, I never wanted to hurt him. Once again I have failed to think of anything from anyone else's point of view. Least of all Cal's. Evangeline was right. I am ignorant.

"Please don't tell her that." Farley smirks at me and I roll my eyes. She continues, "Who am I kidding? You'll probably read her the whole thing."

That gets a smile out of me and I feel a strange empty pulling in my chest. Longing. I miss him.

"Can you please tell her a few things for me?" Farley continues reading. "Tell her that I love her. That I miss her. That I'm doing well. And most importantly, I'm still waiting. I'm always waiting. Cal." She folds the letter back up and hands it to me.

"Did you write back?" I ask, taking the paper in my hand. It's rigid and warm, probably from Farley's own natural heat. But for a moment I can pretend it's still from him.

"I did." Farley answers bluntly, "I told him everyone was fine, Clara is beautiful and you are a mess. That you miss him probably just as much, if not more than he misses you. That you walk around aimlessly all day trying to figure yourself out. That you are miserable."

"Diana!" I growl, using her first name. "What would you say that?" I want to stomp my foot.

"Is it a lie?!" She barks back, at my cowed silence she continues, "I told you once that I would do unspeakable things to get Shade back. Torturous things. You act as if Call died with Maven. I can assure you the older Calore is very much alive."

"I know that-" I ground out between clenched teeth but Farley cuts me off with a wave.

"And he's very much in pain." She keeps going as if I hadn't stopped her. "You know I could give a shit about Cal's happiness but why you put yourself through this torture, I will never understand. He has far more restraint than I do. I would have chased Shade all around the world."

"I killed his brother," I repeat feebly for what feels like the hundredth time.

Farley clicks her tongue in a scoff. "Do you honestly think that he'd write so many letters? Or that he would send me to tell you that he loves you just so you'd know?" She leans back on her palms, stretching her legs out in front of her. "Come on, you're smarter than that, Mare."

I know she's right. I've been telling myself that I'm awful, that I'm a monster, that I deserve this pain and torment for so long it's hard not to believe it. Have I not done horrible things? But it must not be true. At least not all of it. Can it? To have enemies pushing me to be happy? My family, who lost a son, a brother, a father, because of me, still trying to help me and love me, is that not proof that I am good? Or at least redeemable?

As if reading my thoughts Farley leans in and touches my shoulder with hers. Her voice is soft and gentle, "I don't think you are a monster. I never did." She nudges me again, forcing me to look at her. "Not ever." She enunciates the words making sure I hear the ones she doesn't speak.

I know what she's really saying. Not even after Shade.

She sighs when I don't say anything, getting up from the bed, she wipes her palms on the thighs of her pants. She takes deliberate strides towards the door and stops short before entering the hallway. "Promise me you'll at least try to read them before we leave?" She asks looking over her shoulder at me.

I meet her gaze and nod once. For her, I will try.

Leave me a review! Let me know what you think!