A/N Crazy like a fox.
"All has become clear."
"The taint remains!"
"She's casting a wider net."
"We have to stop those two if we are to save the world."
"Hey. Where do you two think you're going?"
Jeff and Lester turned, Morgan, the thrall-in-chief, stood at the other end of the hall, no doubt placed there to prevent them doing exactly what they were intending to do. Trapped between the Morgan-bot on one end and both the Casey-bot and Chuck-bot on the other, they decided to take their chances with the smaller man.
"Come on," said the Ass Man, beckoning. "Big Mike has something he wants to show us."
Jeff whimpered. Something to show them. "Glasses," said Lester, and he reached into his pocket, for the pair he kept there in case Bennigans opened early. Jeff followed suit, and the two joined the crowd gathered around Big Mike's display, looking like their normal post-payday selves.
Nothing hypnotic, just…cookware.
Lester listened with part of his attention, his eyes scanning the crowd in one direction as his glasses pointed in another. Years of practice made it easy.
"Look at them," said Jeff. Morgan and Hannah were standing discreetly off to one side, apparently paying rapt attention to the boss man's announcements.
A leadership conference? scoffed Lester. Who would believe that? And why send Chuck when Morgan would be the more obvious choice? But no, the witch needed him to control the store for her, so there he stood. Morgan and the devil-woman made no signs of being in any relationship at all. Their disguise was perfect, but Lester knew better. "If only he was just a love-smitten fool."
"They're trying too hard," said Jeff.
"You see it too," said Lester. A disguise within a disguise, a pretense of collegial friendliness that would fool most into thinking they were more than friends, but not Lester. The role of lovers was clearly just another layer of disguise, and a poor one at that. "We've seen the greatest lady-killer in Burbank in action."
"Morgan's no 'chuck'-magnet," said Jeff.
"Look," said Lester, as Big Mike went on about crockery. The devil-woman–he dared not call her 'Hannah' even in the privacy of his own thoughts–had leaned in close and was whispering into Morgan's ear. "Under that thin veneer of lovers–in-disguise she gives him orders right in front of us."
On the other side of the crowd…
"I really am excited about dinner tonight," said Hannah. "In case you were wondering."
Morgan smiled. "Nope. Not wondering."
Big Mike continued. "As the El Segundo School of Finance taught me…"
Back on the first side…
"What's she saying?" asked Jeff.
"Something about dinners," said Lester, for whom lip-reading was more common than book-reading. "Probably how she plans to spread her filth. Doughnuts, then dinners. Food products." He glowered at the display of crockpots.
"Look at Morgan's smile," said Jeff. "I was gonna say sorcery, but now I'm thinking mind-altering chemicals."
"I need some volunteers," said Big Mike.
Lester raised his hand, and Jeff followed his lead.
"Hands like yours? I don't think so," said Mike. "Where's Casey? I bet he's peeled a few spuds in his time."
"We'll find him for you, boss," said Lester. He and Jeff headed toward the back of the store, stopping only to catch a final glimpse of their nemesis. She was speaking to Morgan again, as the crowd dispersed, and…yes! There it was, a kiss, so brief, so small, he might not have even noticed it had he been anyone else. He could practically feel Morgan's will crumble. "I have a pun for you Jeffrey," said Lester. "Soon we'll deal with that devil ourselves."
"I don't get it."
Behind the Buy More…
"They got away," said Jeff, when they could spot neither man, both of whom were pretty tall.
"Chuck's Nerd Herder is still here," said Lester. "Whatever foul creatures inhabit our two friends–"
"I don't know that I'd call Casey a friend."
"He's a greenshirt, he's one of us," snapped Lester, slicing the air with his hand. "What was I saying?"
"That wherever they went, they took someone else's car to do it."
"Exactly!"
"They had a car behind the Double O, when they were bringing the body in," said Jeff. "It wasn't the new counter girl's, I've got hers memorized, so it probably belongs to the dead-faced guy."
"It's a place to start," agreed Lester, snapping his fingers. He looked down, noticing for the first time that his hands were empty. "You go get Loretta, I'll get more water."
Behind the Orange Orange…
"It's not here," said Jeff. "But I found your smoothie."
Lester took a sip. "Hmm. Strawberry, a bit of peach. Is that coconut?"
"I thought it might have been coffee," said Jeff. "I always have trouble with those two."
"Either one's good," said Lester, draining the cup in one gulp. "I need more, if I'm to carry on the hunt."
Jeff nodded. "I'll get a towel."
Lester was just about to go check the dumpster for more when the back door to the store cracked open. He backed up and ran into Jeff, standing behind him. He dropped the cup and grabbed a corner of the towel. "Let's go," he whispered, "Whoever it is, they're our only lead."
They came around the building with the towel at the ready. White slacks, orange top, she was backing out of the store, dragging something along. Another body, perhaps?
Their timing was perfect. Just as the woman got clear of the door, Jeff on one side and Lester on the other threw the towel over her head. "Hey!" she shouted, as the two lifted her up.
Jeff, one arm wrapped around her torso, trying to keep her arms under control, put a hand over where her mouth should have been, under the towel. She bit him. Lester was struggling to control her feet. "Quick," he said, "In the van!"
They carried the writhing figure into the van, Jeff climbing in first, Lester releasing her legs as he reached for his cup of holy water. Jeff let go and moved to protect their gear. The woman pulled the towel off as Lester threw the water into her face.
"What the hell–!" shouted Sarah. "I just took a shower." She wiped her face with the towel, and sniffed at the cloth. "Is that coffee?" She dropped the cloth, face screwed up in disgust.
"Could be coconut," said Jeff.
"Are you a zombie?" asked Lester, not to be diverted by a slightly damp T-shirt.
Sarah looked at him funny. "Am I a what?"
"A zombie."
"A mindless hulk," said Jeff.
"A soulless automaton," said Lester.
"A mandroid with boobs," said Jeff.
"I got it, thank you," said Sarah. She looked over her shoulder. "You, down front." She pointed at Lester, and Jeff moved to join him. "What the hell are you two talking about?"
"Something strange is happening in the Buy More," said Lester. "Only we are aware of it." His moving finger circled reluctantly to include her in the 'we'.
She pulled back from being included. "Zombies?"
"Or something zombie-like," said Lester. "We're flexible. But it's been happening for weeks, and that new girl Hannah is at the center of it."
"Chuck seems to think she's all right," said Sarah doubtfully.
"Oh, well then, maybe I should ask Chuck for his opinion," said Lester. "I'll just ask around for Rafe Gruber until I find him."
Sarah frowned at them. "What's that supposed to mean?"
Outside yet another cupcake shop in Burbank…
"Anything?" asked Lester.
"No suspiciously tall men here either," said Jeff. "You hungry? I did the last three."
"No one said to get boxes," said Lester, "Cupcakes give me hives. But I am thirsty, and look what we have here, right across the street."
"I thought you didn't like Italian places," said Jeff. "All that boxing."
"We're trying to save the world, Jeffrey. One must make allowances."
"What about her?" asked Jeff, hooking a thumb at the passenger seat, where the shiksa sat, looking bored.
Well, it was her own fault. They'd generously allowed her to drive, but if she wasn't driving too slowly, she was constantly getting them lost. Of course no one, especially not a woman, could be expected to understand the complex equipment that filled the back of the van, so there wasn't much for her to do. "She can watch the store, until we get settled inside." He put on a headset, and handed her a microphone. "Speak into this, if you need to talk to us. Don't try to fiddle with anything, you'll probably just break it."
They climbed out of the van, standing straight for the first time in a while, before they started down the street to the bar. They hadn't gone more than ten feet when official-looking vehicles pulled up in front of their destination. They immediately started back to the van as men in helmets got out and swarmed the building.
"What are you doing back here?" asked the shiksa, in the back of the van, probably fiddling with stuff even though he'd told her not to. Women.
"Feds," said Jeff, pointing.
"If you're going to be back there, make yourself useful," said Lester. "Hand me the parabolic, that's the cone-shaped thing down there, and plug it in where the microphone plug is."
She did as he directed, and he got the microphone gun pointed downrange just in time. Men came out the front door, a couple that none of them knew, and Chuck. Sarah dialed up the volume on the speaker.
"Come on, move, we've got to split up," said Chuck.
"We'll contact you later with your assignment!" shouted the older guy.
The younger, fatter one, held back a second. "Rafe, you're incredible."
"Yeah, whatever," sneered Chuck as the fat man ran off. "It's my job."
"Do you believe us now?" asked Lester as the men scattered, and Sarah nodded.
Jeff put Loretta in gear, but when they reached the intersection where Chuck had gone, he continued on. "What are you doing?" asked Sarah. "Chuck went that way."
"More Feds," said Lester. "Didn't you see that big black van?" He smirked understandingly at her obtuseness. "Believe me, Jeff and I can smell federal agents from a mile away."
"You don't think they could help you?"
"Cops got better things to do than get killed," said the two men together, and Lester said, "Jinx."
"It's worse than we thought," said Jeff. "You heard that old guy, he said he had Chuck's assignment."
"Yes," drawled Lester. "The witch has allies on the outside. But that could work to our advantage, Jeffrey. We have this address, and you've got their faces on video…?"
"Of course."
"Then we know what we have to do." He looked at Sarah. "The question is what do we do with you?"
"You can take me home," said Sarah. "I have a dinner invitation at Morgan's house tonight, he wants to introduce everyone to his new girlfriend. It would look suspicious if I didn't go."
"You can't eat anything she gives you," said Lester. "That's how she spreads her control."
"Morgan's cooking."
"You can't eat anything he gives you either."
Sarah huffed. "Well, I have to eat something, and Jeff ate all the cupcakes."
"I asked you if you wanted one."
"Three hours ago!"
"Ladies, please!" shouted Lester, and the noise subsided. "I have an idea. We'll stop somewhere and get a crate of those bottles of water. I'll bless one, and you can add a drop to anything they give you, to dispel the curse."
"Okay."
"We'll go back to HQ, and start our investigation, while you get ready for your…party." Lester sniffed, scanning her up and down. "Step outside just before liftoff. We'll put together something for you to record the conversation and get it to you. We need to learn their codes."
"Um…sure."
"Then let's be about it."
"Warp factor five, mister," said Jeff, and he hit the gas.
At the dinner party…
Sarah, wearing a large pin of surpassing ugliness on an otherwise beautiful dress, shook hands with Hannah, as Chuck introduced her. "This is my dame–" he coughed. "I mean my date, Sarah."
"You okay, Chuck," said Morgan. "You sound a little bit hoarse."
Chuck smirked. "Nothing I can't handle."
"I'm very pleased to meet you, Sarah," said Hannah. "And I have to say I'm a bit surprised, too. I can't imagine why Chuck would have asked me to come here, with a girlfriend in town." She gave Chuck a dark look.
"You can't imagine what?" asked Chuck, not sounding hoarse at all.
"You sent me an email, asking to come out, don't you remember?"
Chuck looked sidelong at Sarah. "Uh…no?"
"Bastard." Sarah swung a slap at him.
Chuck caught it easily, with a growl. "Watch yourself, doll. Maybe you better go outside until you cool off." He released her arm, pushing her around toward the door.
"Maybe I ought to wait outside until I find myself a new boyfriend!" snapped Sarah back. She marched to the door and slammed it as hard as she could on the way out. She paused by the fountain, removing the pin from her dress and sticking it in the purse next to the recorder. Then she walked over to Casey's door and knocked.
"Casey, how many of us had access to Chuck's email account a few weeks back?" she asked, after he let her in.
"You and me, definitely," he said, considering the time frame. "Shaw, probably."
"That's what I thought."
In Castle…
"What are doing now?" asked Agent Jones, draping her arms over Daniel Shaw's shoulders as he typed on his keyboard.
"Just some old business," he replied. "I brought dinner, if you'd like some."
Jones went to open the packages. "Smells wonderful. You?"
Shaw watched on the screen as Chuck sat alone on his side of the table. "Absolutely."
A/N2 Not as silly as the last one. A few mysteries resolved. I hope you'll drop me a line and tell me what you think of this rewrite so far.