Disclaimer: Blah, blah, blah, credit to JK Rowling. It's been over a month and a half, I'm sure you want to get to the story.
So far: Lily and Severus used to be best friends, but not so much anymore. Mary used to be friends with Tally, but now she's lost as to where she belongs. Sirius left home, leaving his little brother behind.
Chapter 16
Or
Of Little People
Imagine you're sitting in front of your TV at home and suddenly your signal disappears.
You get off the couch and hit the remote on top of the TV itself. It doesn't work, so you go out to check if you're the only one having problems. It's a tightknit neighborhood, and you know everyone on the block; it won't be awkward if you knock on old woman Josie's door and ask her politely if her TV is working.
You decide against it, and by the time you come back the TV is on again. You've missed ten minutes of the show you were watching, though, and you can't follow the story anymore. Frustrated, you don't turn off the TV, but instead resign yourself to try and understand what's going without the ten minutes you missed. But it feels hopeless – you just started watching this show recently, and you're already behind.
Mary was feeling like this every day since she stopped talking to Tally. There was always some new drama in her new circle of friends, and she was never quite involved in it – even when she was directly affected by it. So after the events of last term, she joined the Ravenclaws' table for a few dinners, and then she went home for Christmas, and she hoped that when she came back, everything would be back to normal.
Instead, Marlene and Dorcas both stayed away from the train station at Hogsmeade, but Lily and she took the trip up to Hogwarts in the same carriage – though silently. When she said hi to Sirius as she was leaving the tower, he grunted at her. They hadn't been at odds about the whole attempt to date before Christmas – had he decided to be angry with her?
She was sick of sitting at the wrong table.
Just as she was about to go sit at the Ravenclaw table – again – Lily beckoned her to come. Breathing a sigh of relief, Mary hurried to sit next to her. Lily bore an apologetic grimace as Mary came closer. "Sorry about earlier today," Lily said once they were in earshot of each other. "I was thinking about – things. I – "
"It's fine," lied Mary. "How was your holiday?"
"Surprisingly uneventful," she smiled and returned the same question.
Mary thought about it for a second. She noticed James and Marlene coming in together, cuddling and muttering, and said, "I wish I had stayed here. More interesting." Sirius and Remus ran up to James, and Sirius tackled him. You'd think he hadn't stayed here with him the entire vacation, she thought.
Sirius was looking particularly handsome today.
She shook her head, trying to erase that thought. "I'm sorry, did you say something?" she said, attempting to start another conversation with Lily, but she was watching the same scene as Mary, a small smile tugging on the edges of her lips as she gazed fondly over Sirius. She raised her hand in a small wave of "hello", and Sirius waved back, though much more enthusiastically. Mary was left to wonder what, exactly, had she missed during the past two weeks.
Imagine you're listening to the radio, and suddenly the host throws in a word you don't know.
You've never heard this word. You've never heard of this word. You have no idea what it means. You decide that it doesn't really matter much, because you're a clever enough person, and you understood everything else he's said so far, and the radio host probably gets cards with words to slip in anyway, and he might not know what it means.
But then he says it again, and again. You try to figure it out from context, but you can't get a firm grasp on what it means, and you get frustrated enough to call a friend. Your friend picks up the phone, but when you tell him your issue, he laughs and hangs up, claiming that this must be the stupidest prank he's ever experienced.
You turn to the dictionary, but you can't even fathom how it's spelled. You can't ask the man on the radio, and your friend obviously thinks you're an idiot, so you can't ask him either. You toy with the idea of calling one of your parents – but it's late, and they're probably asleep.
By the time the next day comes to an end, almost every person you saw used that word, and you still can't understand what in the name of all holy things it means.
Peter felt like this every day. It wasn't that he wasn't clever, or sneaky – it's that he wasn't clever or sneaky as his friends. It's not that he wasn't in any way attractive – true, he was overweight, but he could and had gotten dates before. It's just that Sirius was overly attractive, like an extra-strong Accio charm, pulling girls towards him (though he didn't exactly date). He wasn't as charming as James or as responsible as Remus. He was himself, and sometimes he was sick of being defined as part of the Marauders instead of as himself.
Instead of pushing the point, he tried to be as good of a friend as possible. Sometimes he exaggerated (for example, when he was tired or anxious he tended to gawk), but he was supportive, and he did do his best to support Moony -
Speaking of which, Moony was being particularly quiet this evening. Everyone was, but Moony was more than the rest of them. There was something empty in him, Peter could tell.
"Are you alright?" Wormtail asked, slightly hesitant. Remus said nothing.
A couple minutes later, after swallowing a chunk of chicken, Sirius asked the same thing. The same exact thing, Wormtail thought bitterly.
"I'm just distracted," said Remus. "Finals, and the such." There was something underneath there, something that Sirius understood, something Wormtail did not. As if Sirius and Remus had an understanding, something Wormtail did not share.
It was a small, unique pain, but it was painful nonetheless.
Imagine you're being forced to climb a mountain. No, wait – you're being pushed off a cliff. No, wait - you're being encouraged to jump off a cliff. You like it where you are – there's a nice view, at the very least, and a road behind you, as well. You have a place to go if you decide to turn back.
You don't want to jump.
But all of your friends and family have jumped, or are preparing to, and they're all calling from bellow to let you know that it's better down there. The ones who haven't didn't even come on the trip, so they don't count really. But you're not sure if you want to jump.
And what happens if you do jump? What happens if you change your mind in the middle, but it's already too late and you're stuck on the way down? What if you crash and burn?
What if you want to get back up, to the top of the cliff, after you've jumped?
Regulus couldn't help being afraid. Wouldn't anyone? Even the idea of it was terrifying. Who could imagine, being basically sworn to serve Lord Voldemort before you've hit fifteen (even if not literally quite yet)? Who would think that Regulus, the good boy, would contemplate –
He wasn't quite ready to think about that, yet.
Sometimes he was proud of being who he was. Heir to the Most Noble House of Black, he was the pride and joy of his mother –
But sometimes he wished he could be more like Sirius. He wished he could be himself.
But then again, bravery wasn't the subject of his house's motto.
Imagine you lost your favorite toy, only to find it in someone else's possession.
Only you don't have any way to get it back, so you're left to watch it, constantly, wishing it were yours again… and you have a lot of other toys to play with. But they're a different brand, more specific to your tastes, and you liked the exoticness of –
Well, Severus did have a rather peculiar taste in people, true, but he loved Lily all the same. He had told himself it was silly, complete idiocy – she didn't even talk to him, she was best friends with Sirius Black instead, she was –
She was, she was –
She was everything. He needed her. He wanted to –
He wanted her to be his again. That's all he wanted, most of the time.
The 'most' part was the problem, he assumed. But he couldn't help it, he couldn't help –
And so he watched her laughing, he watched her hiding tears – he could still tell, even after all this time, even after two holidays spent apart, he could still read her – he was willing to bet that she did, too.
And she was talking to her newfound friend, Mary McDonald, and he was watching her.
He was always watching her, even if she didn't see.
A/N: I actually feel almost bad, because I didn't post for over a month and a half because of a competition I didn't even finish, and the I come back with this.
Almost.
MelodyPond77: McOtter is the best ship name I've seen in a while. I don't even know what you're talking about. It isn't like this is classified as a Jily fic or anything like that... Actual Jily to come soon, though I can't promise anything.
calypso: You can see anything you've posted by clicking the reviews button at the top of the page. I don't get enough reviews for it to be hard for you to find yours :) Also, "yeah, basically" to anything else you said.
not really sane fairy: TLAT is The Life and Times, possibly the best piece of fanfiction ever written. It's still not over, and it's the main reason I'm writing this. Go read it. It's the length of the three longest Harry Potter books combined - but it's worth it. Yes, it's Jily.
greek cuty pie: Wow, there's a lot to address in this one. Remus and Sev - it's pretty much said in the books. My fic and TLAT disagree on a few p oints (though you should totally read TLAT!) but the basics are: Sirius told Sev how to get into the Shack on the day of the full moon. James realizes what happens and saves him. Everything except for that is pure speculation and headcanons. Thank you for the compliments about Sirius! We will see some shenanigans eventually, but I first have to come up with something (I'm a goodie two-shoes, exactly the opposite of the Marauders' general attitude, so I struggle). They did vanish Sev's hair in the very first chapter. Not to mention the night that leads them to JK's Prequel... it's worth a read anyway, but I do plan to incorporate it in a later chapter. We're talking somewhere in the thirties - it's pretty far away right now, I just finished chapter 18. As for McOtter, no need to worry. It's not going to last. This is still a Jily fic :)
Two more things: One, I think I know what not really sane fairy and greek cuty pie mean about jumps in time, but that doesn't mean I'm going to completely get rid of them. I will try to consciously avoid them. As for where I come from, I'm Israeli. I know Troye Sivan from the YouTube world - it rarely even occurs to me that he isn't one of the British YouTubers, because I'm really bad with accents. (Though I DO know that he moved to Australia from South Africa. I just group him with the British YouTubers because my accent is American.)
I don't want to rush anything, but I am still constantly writing. I'm going to start working on my thesis soon - my high school's weird - so I'm going to have less time to write. I'm trying to reach at least the middle of chapter 20 before January, but I probably won't. NaNoWriMo was a bust, but I did write 23,000 words, so who says I can't write 10,000 words in the form of two and a half chapters in that same amount of time? I say that I can.
As usual, don't forget to follow, favorite, share and most importantly, review. Your reviews make me want to write.
JustGail