Disclaimer: Despite the fact that I do look almost as magnificent as JKR herself, I am not her. So I don't own any of the characters, unless they're OCs, of course.

So Far: Lily and Sirius fought, so Lily and James had a really weird and emotional encounter. Instead of James breaking up with her, Marlene finally confided what has changed her behavior so radically – her heart was weighed down by some serious stuff.

Chapter 19

Or

Of Hearts Led Astray

As New Years' resolutions go, Lily's was not a bad one, even if it was a bit impractical. Especially since she only made it a few days after New Year's. It came to her after a particularly embarrassing incident, featuring an owlery and too much crying on her part.

Lily's New Year's resolution was to stay away from James Potter, and she only made it because Marlene was suddenly smiling again.

It had been subtle, at first. She didn't even properly notice it, Peter did. He pointed it out to Sirius, actually, and Lily overheard. After that, she started paying attention. A smile here, a smile there – suddenly, Marlene was throwing smiles around everywhere, though mostly when she was with James. Whatever was going on between them must have been serious. And though she couldn't exactly give a name to what happened between the two of them the other night – between James and herself – Lily vowed to stay away.

She would not be the downfall of a relationship. Any relationship, but definitely not that relationship.

It was a terrible day, weather wise. The clouds which had come sweeping in sometime in November, were today especially gray and overbearing; it had not snowed for weeks, and instead, constant downpour plagued the grounds. The torchlight in the halls, instead of the sense of warmth it usually instilled in the students, seemed weak and tired compared with the thunderstorms shuddering through the castle. The weekend couldn't come fast enough, though most people were not looking forward to leisure time and relaxation but instead held on to the hope that perhaps they'll be able to catch up on the mountains of homework they had been assigned. N.E.W.T. students, in particular, did not have the time to spare a thought, let alone a moment to be alone. The workload the sixth- and seventh-year students were carrying was bigger for each individual than that of all pre-N.E.W.T. students' work combined, or at least, that was what it felt like. Lily, this weekend, had to complete an essay in Herbology on Venomous Tentacula, start and finish essays in History of Magic and in Potions, a five page piece to translate in Ancient Runes, and practice water-making spells, with which she was having some difficulty for an unknown reason. The only thing she had to thank for was that she had managed to control the growth of her eyebrows during class; most everybody else in Transfiguration had that to practice, as well. And she had prefect duties to perform as well!

There was probably not a single soul who wasn't planning on holing up in the library for the weekend. Except for bloody James Potter.

She honestly could not fathom how he did it. He had about as much work as she did, minus Ancient Runes but with the added work in Transfiguration, and he also had to schedule practices in all this mess. And yet there was not a time in which he could not be seen lounging in the common room, relaxing right in front of the fire in the best bloody seat in the whole Tower.

But Lily was not going to ask him what he was doing, or how he was keeping up while never visibly doing any work, and she was not going to ask him to kindly haul his ass away from the best couch, and she was definitely not going to think about him. She wasn't going to think about how he managed to train his team so well that they crushed Ravenclaw in the last game, and she was definitely not going to think about Marlene's glowing smile as she greeted the excessively wet and messy James. She had assignments to do, and she refused to venture even slightly into James-land.

But she just couldn't concentrate! She kept stealing glances in the direction of the flames, despite the danger. James was now making a couple second-years' laugh; she realized she didn't even know their names.

Damn it. She just couldn't keep her mind focused on the piece of parchment in front of her.

When did she even start thinking of him as James instead of as Potter? When did that happen?

She sighed and glanced out the window at the stormy skies. She's not going to get any work done tonight. Maybe she should go to bed.

But this Muggle Studies essay was for tomorrow. She deeply regretted the decision not to drop it after the O. – it had been an easy O up until now. This year however it was mostly a waste of her precious, precious time. And she had so little of it at the moment – so little time! So many things to do! All these places to see and things to do… People to forgive…

Should she forgive him? She thought about it lazily as Sirius waltzed down the steps from the boys' dormitory. He really does have impeccable timing at times. Could she forgive him? He said some pretty terrible things. So did she. Maybe they could go back to being friends like they were. Maybe she could feel as comfortable with him as she always did.

Wait a second, she thought, realizing something alarming. When did six months become always?

She was too upset to stay down in the common room after that.

"Don't kiss me, please," was what Dorcas meant to say. It didn't come out polite, though. It just sounded weird and awkward and a bit mean. But then, a lot did, lately. What she said was, "Don't – stop it. Don't kiss me."

She didn't even get the please out.

The library was full today, of course, so no one was paying attention to them. The coursework everyone had gotten was demanding their attention; they didn't care about the social outcast and her boyfriend. She knew that anybody else who might be here was concentrating on their books and papers, or talking to their own friends and boy- or girlfriends and study buddies and just living their lives, but she could still swear she felt their judging eyes on her. Why won't you just kiss your boyfriend? they whispered. Nothing serious. Just kiss him. Why won't you kiss him?

She didn't know what it was. Cameron was one of the best people she'd ever met. He saw good in people. His bravery was a social one, less a reckless one – he was never afraid to stand up for what he believed in, for his friends, for her. He wasn't unattractive, and he had an infectious smile coupled with a great sense of humor.

But even holding hands was – it just felt off. Wrong. Gross. And kissing was worse. Surely it should come more naturally than this? Surely she should like touching her boyfriend?

The worst part was his reaction.

"Okay."

It was always okay, so simple and Merlin, so fucking understanding. Why did he always look at her like that, like it was fine, fine, fine? It wasn't alright, God fucking damn it. She was broken. Something was wrong with her, in some unfixable way, and he just looked at her with those pitying eyes and said okay, like it could be fixed, like this is something that will pass.

Will it ever pass?

She turned away from Cameron and focused – or pretended to focus – on the book she'd been reading prior to Cam's arrival. "Maybe we can just… try again later. I'm just not feeling it."

"Okay," he said, and touched her shoulder lightly, perhaps trying to comfort her, before getting up. "I'll see you later."

"Yeah."

She could still feel the warmth of his hand where it had touched her minutes later. It didn't tingle or anything like that, things she'd been told girls felt when they were touched by guys they liked, it just felt ten degrees warmer than the rest of her body. Like he'd burned her.

She rubbed the palm of her right hand with the thumb of her left one mindlessly, a nervous tick she hadn't been able to get rid of over the years. She stared at the page in front of her, but the words refused to form into anything comprehensible. She should have tried harder – like anybody else, even more, she had workload after workload to get through before the weekend was through – but instead, gave up. She left the books on the table, not bothering to put them back on their appropriate shelves – she didn't have the energy in her to do that much. She barely thought she would make it back to the common room; it was like she was emotionally and physically drained from just that insignificant interaction.

This was, incidentally, the only explanation she could give for her reaction to what happened a moment later, when she turned a corner and ran straight into Marlene, knocking both of them, and their stuff too, to the floor.

She flushed, and she – she – she –

No, that was… that was too weird. She was just thinking about her boyfriend, after all.

"I'm so sorry," she said a moment later, coming to her senses. "I didn't mean to – "

"It's fine," mumbled Marlene, and she seemed to be slightly embarrassed herself. "I was actually – well, I was actually just – " She glanced up at Dorcas, who had already gotten up and was hlding her arm for Marlene to grab. "Thanks," she said, taking up Dorcas' offer. Dorcas let out a breath of relief – she wasn't sure what would have happened if Marlene didn't take her hand. She would've probably broken down, making this entire thing even more awkward. She pulled, and they were both stood, staring each other. The both of them then bent at the exact same moment to gather their things, banging their heads against each other and releasing a synchronized "Ow!"

"Ugh, sorry again," Dorcas murmured, grabbing her things more hurriedly and backing up a step or two. She glanced up to find Marlene, still bent over, but not in shock or mumbling embarrassed things.

She was laughing. She was actually bent over, laughing.

And after a moment, Dorcas started laughing too. She wasn't sure what was so funny, but it was. Maybe it was the casual comedy of people repeatedly knocking into each other; maybe it was that the two of them were being so polite in this day to day situation, when they've been so angry at each other for so long. Maybe it was just funny, for no good reason. Laughing feels good. Laughing with Marlene felt especially good.

Oh God. There was something so wrong with Dorcas.

Marlene noticed that Dorcas wasn't laughing anymore, but, presumably, didn't understand why. "Listen," she said softly. "I could never support what you did. I just wish you – "

"I would have never done it, you know." Dorcas' eyes bore into Marlene's, trying to find any sense of understanding. "I would have never chosen them over Lily, or Mary, or you. I have bigoted parents. Don't we all? But I just didn't want to make that choice in the first place."

"I get it," Marlene said softly, and Dorcas saw that she did. "I was angry, too. I still am. And not because of you. I just didn't know how to handle more than one betrayal. And time just seemed to make me more angry."

"You're not angry now," Dorcas noted, her voice a bit shaky.

Marlene shook her head, and when she spoke, she sounded unsteady, too. "I am. I am so angry, Dorcas. Everything's terrible. From anti-Muggleborn legislation to people dying, everything's so bloody terrible. It's all shit," she said, and then it was like the faucet broke and she was just leaking. Dorcas ran over, ready to hug, but hesitated in the last moment. She didn't know what to do in this kind of situation, she never did.

Marlene reached out and embraced her, and Dorcas relaxed into her arms.

She realized that they were once again standing amidst their own things, but they were both half-sobbing half-laughing and no longer really cared. And Dorcas really, really, really liked being in Marlene's embrace.

"Where's James?" asked Remus when Sirius finally graced Peter and him with his presence at the abandoned classroom. It was long after midnight, and the rain was pouring outside the glass window. Just to set the mood, just as Sirius shut the door, lightning flashed, thunder following it mere moments later.

"I have no clue, mate," he sighed. "Probably with his fucking girlfr- oh, hi James."

James, with his hand in the middle of running through his hair, paused and looked around at the three boys, each wearing extremely different expressions: Remus, angry and unapologetic; Sirius, guilty and fidgeting; and Peter, just sort of bored and tired. "What's going on?"

"Waiting for you," said Peter. "I had an idea for something, you know, and the way this evening is going I'll fall asleep before we even plan the full moon."

"Sorry," said James hastily, and Remus huffed and looked away. Sirius shuffled to his usual place between James and Peter, and, after clearing his voice, said, "So, Peter, what was your idea?"

"I think we should plan the full moon first," he replied instead. "It really is more important, what with it coming up and everything."

"But you said – "

"I'll remember my own idea, thanks."

"I get that, it's just – "

"Merlin, Padfoot, let it go."

"I don't need your help, Moony, okay?"

"Peter, why won't you just give us the fucking – "

"Dammit – can you guys just shut up?" James was flushed, despite not having actually said almost anything. He looked both angry and nervous, both upset and embarrassed. "I have something to tell you guys."

And he told them almost everything Marlene told him, leaving out any details that he considered perhaps too private.

"Fuck, dude," said Sirius, patting James' back. "I'm so fucking sorry."

"I feel bad for Marlene," said Remus. "No one should have to go through so much."

It was very quiet after that, and they were all left to ponder what any of this meant.

Remus had a very sudden craving for yellow cheese.

"We're all going to, you know," Peter said suddenly. When the three boys stared at him, he clarified, "We're all going to go through some painful shit. But that doesn't mean – I mean, we're making a choice, every day, not to be like those Slytherins. I don't know about you, but I feel a war coming. It's in the air. I can fucking smell it sometimes. And if I know who I am – if I know anything about myself – I'm going to fucking fight." He blushed, and looked around at his three best friends, basically staring at him. "It's just – when I think of Lily, I can't imagine anyone hating her. Or Mary. Or… or any of them. Marlene's family – why would you… Why would you hate someone over anything as stupid as the way they were born? I was born with no sense of direction, should that be a reason to dislike me? But somebody's parents are reasons not just to dislike, but to outright hate and to – and to – shit, to kill someone! This is… I just…"

"I get it, mate," said James, moving to hug him. "I get it." The two embraced, and Sirius and Remus locked eyes for a moment.

"Life is shit," said Remus finally. Sirius summoned some alcohol from their dorm and once it arrived – something undefined, and frankly, Remus was afraid to ask what it was, exactly – they all sat down to have drink.

"You know," said James, "we haven't pulled a prank in a long fucking while."

"There was the cactus last month," Remus pointed out.

"And the long-haired babushka, about a week and a half later," remembered Sirius fondly.

James grinned. "Yeah, good times…" He sighed. "But you get my point."

Peter coughed. "Right. About that…" And Peter told them his idea.

Sirius stared. "Shit, that just might work. And what with Valentines' just around the corner…" He grinned mischievously. "I'll start gathering the hearts."

"We'll need a lot of pink dye, I think," said Remus. "I'll talk to the elves."

"Peter," said James fondly, "this is exactly the kind of cunning trick that makes me like you so goddamn much."

The funny thing is that Dorcas felt like she had some kind of secret, like a butterfly in her chest waiting for the right moment to fly. The sad thing was that it was just a hug, and that was becoming clearer with every moment passing.

They were both sitting in the common room. It was late and there was almost no one around. But Marlene was still chatting idly with the fifth year who had asked her a question earlier in the evening, ignoring Dorcas, who was seated not two feet away from her the entire time, reading essay after essay and not understanding a word.

The funny thing is, she didn't care that it was weird. She felt slightly relieved, like the fact that Marlene didn't like her was better – and it was better, or at least, it was for the better. The sad thing is, for just a moment, she had let herself believe things could be different.

But they couldn't, because this was Dorcas, and she was broken. Something was wrong with her – several things – and they would stay broken until she figured out how to fix herself.

It was Monday, February 7th, 1977. Exactly one week before Valentine's Day, and five days before the Valentine's day weekend. The morning started normal for most of everyone: getting dressed and ready for classes, finding their way down to the Hall… Finding a huge, fluffy, pink-and-red heart blocking their way to the doors.

It wasn't one, big heart. It was a collection of about a thousand of them, stuck together in a very clumsy way. Some of them were photos of actual hearts painted a hot pink, others were pink parchment cut-out, some were paper – though Merlin knows where that came from. Surrounding the heart was some kind of white, airy material, which reminded many of frosting. In big, swirly, fancy yet also clumsy lettering, was written 'HAPPY EARLY VALENTINE'S'. Beneath that were the illegible signatures of four different people. Nobody seemed willing to touch it.

That by itself was odd enough, but then someone screamed. "OH MY SH – MERLIN'S SOGGY BEHIND!" the shrilly voice said. "LOOK AT THE WHOMPING WILLOW!"

The crowd which had built up in front of the giant heart shuffled outside. The Whomping Willow, indeed, warranted screaming for Merlin's soggy behind, and much more than that. Its trunk was dyed the same awful pink color most of the photos had been, and its branches were colored a deep, blood red. Ribbons were hanging from most of them, and there were a few – were those sheets? – things that wrapped all around. Instead of remnant dead leaves and snow, underneath the Willow there were hundreds of thousands more tiny hearts, such as the ones made from parchment used to make the big one. If anybody would care to pick them up, they would see about 100 different Valentine-themed messages written on them, though some were rarer than others. Comments such as 'your arse is the best, believe in it' were copied less often, for fear of McGonagall probably, while messages such as 'I'd conjure the plague for you' were quite common, though the true meaning was lost on most students.

It was soon discovered that a permanent sticking charm had been used on the giant heart, and students were let in to the Great Hall via a side door most of anyone didn't know even existed while the teachers worked on trying to remove the thing.

If there was any doubt in anyone's mind as to who had done it, it disappeared quickly, as on the other side there already were four sixth year Gryffindor students, sitting at their table – well, on the table – enjoying their breakfast already, laughing and smiling and joking around.

And, well, if they were given detention for the next three days despite their being no real proof, it was worth it.

A/N: Well, that was it! What a disappointment, eh, after waiting all that time? This is probably one of the most diverse chapters I have written in this story so far, in the sense that it goes from one of the worst things I have ever written to one of the best. Merlin's soggy behind indeed.

My life has gone through a roller coaster recently but in two weeks to the day I am finishing school for this year and leaving this all behind me. Then I get to head to a summer full of... work.

Yay?

In any case, I hope you enjoyed the chapter. I can't believe the last chapter was posted at the end of February! That's insane!

Sadly, starting now, I have no more time to reply to every single reviewer; but know that you are each appreciated, and keep doing what you do!

So, have a lovely June, and don't forget to favorite, follow, review and share, so that the world can know the Jily love.

JustGail