Disclaimer: Still don't own this shit. Also, possible heartache ahead. And a special surprise.

Chapter 25

Or

Of the Difference a Year Makes, Part 2

Or

Of Falling into Place

(Snape)

It is probably long past time to address the elephant in the room: Severus Snape.

Over the past year, he's tried to contact Lily Evans several times. Not all of them have been dramatic enough to chronicle, and most of them have been unsuccessful in getting any sort of response out of said redhead. This is because Lily Evans has been rather busy, not only with a heavy workload, but also with rather a lot of personal drama. Between the Gryffindor shenanigans and schoolwork, she hadn't really had the energy to deal with anything relating to Severus Snape.

Which was all fine, considering the shenanigans he's been up to.

Long time readers and new-comers alike should remember that on the train towards Hogwarts on September first a particularly awful Slytherin named Mulciber received a letter which he was quick to show Snape. The contents of this letter had very little to do with schoolwork or in-house drama. The contents of this letter had everything to do with the war currently raging in the British Wizarding world. Once the contents of the letter had been put into action, Snape hadn't felt a single bit of regret or discontentment or questioning. He was doing what was right by the Wizarding world. He knew it. He was focused on that and that alone, now.

And yet, the moment he heard that rumor about Lily and James Potter this morning, he could not think of anything else.

How could she? After all the years they'd spent hating him, after all the years she'd seen the way Potter treated him, after all the name calling and the way she used to say Severus –

The one time she'd called him Snivellus crosses his mind –

She used to despise Potter as much as he does. How could she be seen with him, as if that Black boy wasn't bad enough, as if her sudden love for the tricks she used to think were childish weren't horrifying enough. What had she been thinking?

Could she have been forced into it, into any of it? Had he not been keeping a close enough watch over her? He'd thought that devoting one eye would have been enough –

He'd been wrong, obviously.

Oh, Merlin, he hated this. He hated not knowing. He hated not knowing everything that went on in her brain, he hated the fact that she didn't share anything with him anymore. He hated that she didn't become withdrawn when he stopped being her friend, he hated everything about her but her.

"Snape, are you fucking listening? We need to get our summer plans straight if we're going to be let in next year!"

"Shut up," said Snape, because that was what was expected from him. "I'm going to find the Trolley."

The conversation hadn't been particularly interesting, simply rehashing the plan, revisiting the facts. He knew that it was important, to go over the details and make sure that everyone knew their parts, that it would fall apart if everything wasn't ready in time, but –

Lily could not be dating Potter. There was no way. Even if he had just been broken up with.

What if he's using her as a consolation for his grief, he thought. What if he's still trying to get back at me. It's not like he never hexes me anymore. What if he's still trying to get her just to get to me and he's using his breakup as leverage. What if –

Lily was standing right in front of him. CRAP.

She was holding a bar of chocolate, half eaten already. Her cheeks were flushed, but whether that was from the heat of the car or from excitement, he could not tell. She didn't avoid his gaze completely, but she didn't meet it either; it felt as if she was looking at someone she vaguely knew, but not well enough to greet. When he looked at her, she seemed – content. Happy. It seemed impossible that she could feel happiness without him, the same way it seemed impossible that she could have possibly entered a relationship with Potter. However – perhaps – if the first is true –

He wondered if he was allowed to ask.

He asked anyway.

"Is it true?"

She looked up at him. Her eyes were every bit as beautiful as they were when they were still friends. "Is what true?" Irritation was filtered into her voice. Was it because she knew what he was asking, or was it because she was speaking to him?

"You and Potter," he asked, trying not to let the hurt he was feeling slip into his words.

Her eyes softened, and he was surprised, because he hadn't noticed they were hard, beforehand. "Oh, Severus," she said, and his heart broke. "That's just a rumor," she said, and his heart was whole again. "Not that you have the right to ask, anyway, Snape," she added, and his surname sounded like a whole different word altogether, as if she was saying venom or warning and not just his name.

"Whatever," he said. "I'm going to go find the Trolley."

"Snape," she said, and he stopped. "Do you know what you're doing?"

Did she know? His heart beat fast and he could feel his blood pumping. Did she know? "What are you talking about?"

Lily sighed and brushed a strand of hair behind her ear, like she always did when she was nervous or unsure. "Do you think that I don't notice you, still watching me? Do you think I find it – " For a moment, she paused, at a loss for words. "Do you think I find it – endearing? Because I don't. And – and I wish you would stop pretending we were still friends."

He didn't know what to say. He began speaking anyway. "Lily, I didn't mean it." There was only one thing he could possibly be referring to.

"Yes you did," she snapped. "You bloody well did. We're not friends anymore, Snape." When she said his surname this time, it dripped with pure hatred. It sounded like Snivellus. "If we ever were. I'm trying to move on with my life. That afternoon – by the lake – it was bad enough, without you standing by all the time, lurking, a constant reminder – "

"Fuck that," he said. "I wouldn't be a constant reminder unless you made me one. Potter obviously isn't one, and he was just as at fault as – "

"James Potter," said Lily indignantly, "is not only none of your business, but also, a better friend and person than you ever were. And I cannot believe it has taken me seven years to realize this. Sev – Snape – " and this time his name sounded like an apology – "I don't regret our friendship. Not yet. Please don't make me start."

He didn't say a thing, even as his mind was whirling.

"The Trolley is back there," she said, pointing at the direction she came from. "I passed by it about half an hour ago. It's heading in this direction."

And then she was gone.

But she wasn't. He could still smell her, and if he closed his eyes, he could still see her. She haunted him.

She would haunt him till the day he died.

(Marlene)

Marlene was fine, and this was the biggest surprise. She hadn't gone through the five stages of grief, hadn't felt bad or sad over the end of a relationship. The only thing she was really thinking about was Dorcas.

It had gone like this: Marlene pushed James aside that morning and told him they needed to talk. By the lake, in the quiet, she informed him that she heard about last night. When James began apologizing, she said she wasn't angry, but that it was over between them.

Then, to her surprise, James started crying. And then, even more to her surprise, they were honest with each other.

Marlene told him about Dorcas. She explained everything she could explain, and tried to convey without words everything else. When she thought he understood, she asked him to tell her about Lily, and he did. He told her about the night in the astronomy tower and how good she is to Sirius and his jealousy and about last night's resolution to let her go. She told him that she didn't want him to make promises he couldn't keep. He said that he never really did what he should have done, anyway. He told her about the dozens of times he almost ended it. She told him she didn't regret a single moment. She wished him luck, and he did the same.

They kissed one last time, James still tearful and shaking, and then Marlene walked away.

Every step she took she felt lighter. Every touch of the sun on her skin made her feel safer. The world was a song and she was in awe of it.

On the train, she sat in the same compartment as Cameron and Dorcas and Dan, and they talked about everything from Quidditch to candy and never mentioned James. The view flew by and all she was thinking about, even while talking about the oddest flavors of Bertie Bott's, was the taste of Dorcas' lips the night they kissed, and how different it had tasted to kiss James.

The craziest thing – the oddest, most insane thing – was that she had loved James. She'd wanted him, once, even that night, the way she wanted Dorcas now. She had no words for it. She didn't want to give it any words beside the one that was absolutely right for it.

And so she smiled and talked to her friends, and if her glance landed on Dorcas a bit too often, well –

Even the damned and the doomed dream sometimes.

It was a lot later when the Trolley stopped by their compartment. Even though at that very moment not Marlene nor any other of the compartment's occupants felt particularly peckish, her stomach began growling not five minutes later. Dorcas offered, in a rare bout of helpfulness, to go with her to find the Trolley Lady, and so the two made their way down the car until they found her.

It didn't take Marlene long to realize Lily was there. She wasn't buying anything – in fact, she already had a half-eaten bar of chocolate in her hand – but she didn't seem to be in a hurry to get past the Lady.

And suddenly, Marlene realized she missed Lily. For almost a year, they hadn't talked, or written each other over the holidays, and frankly, it all seemed so stupid.

"Hi," she said, smiling, and though at first visibly surprised, slowly, Lily smiled back.

And then they were hugging, and even Dorcas joined in, and nobody could really remember what they were arguing about in the first place. Marlene bought her candy, and Lily joined them in their compartment, and they talked for what felt like hours.

Everything was right again.

Even when Lily left – "I left poor Mary without her lunch" – she knew it had been alright. Even if they hadn't exchanged days in which they were free this summer. Even if they hadn't shared stories from the protest. Even if they hadn't done anything but sit there, Marlene would have known that this is what it was supposed to feel like.

Everything was falling into place, and she, once again, found that James Potter had no room in it.

(James)

Oddly enough, it seemed that the person most heartbroken by Marlene and James' breakup that morning was not James, and certainly not Marlene.

It was Peter.

"I'm sorry," Peter said as he sobbed. "I know it's stupid. But I liked Marlene. I mean, you've had girlfriends before, but they – they – "

"They were awful, mate," concurred Remus. "Horrible. Slutty, even."

"I don't believe in that word!" called Sirius, his only comment so far in this conversation.

James could not believe this situation. Was he going to comfort his best friend over his own breakup? Was this something that he would actually do?

"There, there," he said tentatively, patting Wormtail's back even as he shuddered along with his sobs. "It's – it's alright. Listen, me and her weren't going to work out, anyway."

"Is it because you still fancy Evans?" asked Sirius, sounding almost bored.

James shot him a look. "No. It's because – it's because we weren't right for each other, y'know? Oh, Wormtail…" He felt conflicted. "It'll be okay."

Peter shuddered one last time, then sat back up and wiped his tears. "Nah, I'm okay. Really. Really really. I mean – I don't know why I was invested in your relationship."

"Probably because it was the only one of his that lasted more than a month," said Remus.

"Doesn't everybody think you're the mature one?" asked Peter.

Remus waved his hand dismissively.

"I'm leaving this compartment now," announced James. "I do not have the energy to deal with all of your shite."

"Ooh!" said Sirius excitedly. "Please return with food!"

It was fate, really, that the moment he left his compartment, Lily left hers – which was, apparently, right across from his.

They both shut their doors at the same time, turned at the same time, and said in small, surprised tones, "Hi!" at the same time.

"Well, um," James said, running his hand through his hair nervously.

"I was – uh – I was about to find the food Trolley," said Lily. "Come with?"

"Yeah," he said, "sure."

It was not an unpleasant silence that settled between them, but he felt that it was a loaded one. They found the Trolley and each of them bought a sizable amount of food. And then, as if by an unspoken agreement, they found a nearby empty compartment and sat down.

"So," Lily said.

"So," James said.

Lily cast her eyes at her pile of junk, and offered him a chocolate. "You and Marlene are done with. How – how are you doing with that?"

He took the chocolate, and he ate the chocolate. Not all of it. About half. Almost all of it in one bite. He gave it back to her. "I'm – okay, I guess. Peter hasn't been taking it very well."

Lily grinned. "He hasn't, has he?"

James grinned as well. "No, he hasn't." Then he started laughing, because it was funny, and then he started crying, because it wasn't funny at all.

Lily's eyes softened. "Oh, James," she said, and moved over to sit next to him, hugging him tightly with her right arm. He leaned onto her – into her – and continued sobbing.

It hurt. It hurt so much. He hadn't loved her, perhaps, not like he loved Lily, but he had tried to, and he had felt enough for it to hurt now. You don't have a relationship with someone for nearly a year without it hurting even a little bit when it ends. Or at least, James didn't.

It felt like he couldn't breathe.

"Shh," Lily whispered. "It's okay. It'll be okay. It's okay."

Even knowing these words to be true, he continued sobbing. He cried and cried until the tears dried, and even then he cried some more. And then he held Lily until he felt as if he could face the world once again. He pulled away.

"Hey, hey," Lily said quickly. "It's okay. You don't have to go if you don't feel ready."

"I feel ready," he said. He was. He felt better now. He was still sad, but he knew, somewhere deep inside, that you couldn't build a relationship on a lie as big as that. Especially if they were both just using the other to try and not love somebody else. "I'm okay." Lily looked doubtful, and he corrected, "I'll be okay. I'm not perfect now, either, but I can handle the world."

"Okay," Lily said. He couldn't read her voice, he couldn't decipher her expression. What did she mean?

He gathered his things and his candy and he hugged Lily one more time, murmuring thanks in her ear.

"You're a good friend," he said, afraid that if he said it, it wouldn't be true, knowing if he didn't say it, he'd never know.

But all she did was nod and say goodbye, and so he left.

Every step he took back to his compartment, he felt lighter. Somehow he knew, this was the way this was day was supposed to go. As he laughed with the rest of the Marauders, as he theorized over next year's Quidditch teams, as he felt the memory of Lily's embrace, he knew that this was what was right.

And then, finally, he did the last thing he had to do before the year ended. He told the truth one last time.

"I still fancy Evans," he said. There had been a lull in the conversation, and it felt right. The silence continued for about half a second before Sirius threw a pumpkin pasty at him.

"Of course you do, ya nitwit." Sirius yawned and repositioned his legs so they rested on James' lap. "Can't believe it took you so long to realize it. I've been mad as hell about it."

"I know," he admitted, "Lily told me."

"'Course she did," he said. "Can't keep her mouth closed, that one."

Sirius had forgiven him. He was okay. He'd told the truth. Everything was okay. Sirius threw another pumpkin pasty at him, and then James threw one back at him, but missed and hit Moony somehow. This started an all-out food-fight, and they yelled and screamed and laughed. He would be okay.

Everything was falling into place, and whatever came their way next year, he could face it.

A/N: I know you all hate the time jumps for some weird reason but when I wrote it in chronological order it made even less sense than it makes right now, you know?

So my school trip got postponed because bad weather and I'm here to tell you that I'm going to be gone for about a month or so. Maybe more. Definitely don't expect a proper update before December, but don't count on one then either.

And for old times' sake:

Guest: You're welcome. Your excitement brightened my day! Calypso: Happy birthday, wow! I'm pretty sure the specific quote you mentioned was not James' narration but Dorcas, but I get what you mean. Too cheesy. But isn't Jily just the cheesiest thing ever? If you get tickets, mail me one please. Ravenclaw'sWit015: I'm really glad you broke your rules for me! Drawing On Converse: thank you thank you thank you for noticing! paula2409: Aren't we all. Thank you, I'll try! (though I typically don't enjoy walking very much.) .repeatt: Here's the update! Sadly, you will have to live on this for a while. Aphroditethatsme: 2 words: Chapter 27. beck782: Thank you so much for your support!

Have a lovely November, and don't forget to follow, favorite, and review, because honestly, it will be for your benefit. Also, the next reviewer will be reviewer number 100!

But wait, Gail, didn't you promise a surprise?

Yes I did.

Before Lily talked to Snape, before she reconciled with Marlene and Dorcas, before she consoled James, she was preparing to board the train with Mary, Frank, and Alice, along with a couple of seventh years she didn't know very well. It was a sunny day, even for late June, and their group was smiling and laughing and just enjoying their last moments of being at Hogwarts. However, just before they got to the platform, McGonagall appeared beside them, and pulled Frank and Alice aside.

"I assure you that they will not miss the train," said the Deputy Headmistress. "Run along."

"What is this about, Madam McGonagall?" asked Frank politely as they walked away.

"I have been instructed," she said slowly, "to give the two of you this."

It was two pieces of paper, each folded in half. Both said on the front, in a semi-familiar scrawl, their corresponding names. And beneath, both read the same mysterious title:

The Order of the Phoenix.