Shinji Ikari One Shot
Showtime
"I don't want to be alone, I'm don't wanna die. I'm alone and I'm gonna die." Shinji muttered, head held between his hands
"I am the Shinji Ikari that…" The younger version of himself began to say again, until there was another voice.
"Oh hey sorry about that kid, go find somewhere else to sit. Tell you what, I think there was some guy giving out free candy in the other car, now get outta here, stop botherin' me… Hey kid, you alright?"
Shinji looked up and found his younger self gone. In the apparition's place was a very dirty looking man. His skin was chalky gray and his unkept hair looked green it was so dirty. His eyes were all yellow, like the kind of drunk who was only sober once a week, and his disgusting teeth were nearly the same color, along with his cracked and chewed fingernails. All of it was somehow tied together by the ill fitting suit with vertical black and white prison stripes.
"Hey, can you hear me in there, yoohoo?" The man said, tapping Shinji on the head. "You okay?"
"Uh, not really… I don't think so. Who are you?"
"Just a guy riding the train. Ya look like somethin's eatin ya, and I don't mean in the good way, know what I mean!" The man said and cackled in laughter at his own joke, slapping Shinji on the shoulder. Shinji didn't get it. "I uh, make it my business to help people with their problems, so why don't you tell me whats on your mind?"
Oh great, a therapist, Shinji thought. Oh what was the harm, it was all some near-death dream anyway.
"I live with my boss, who I have feelings for, and this girl who I also like, but my boss is a drunken slob and the girl hates me. My father barely acknowledges I exist, my mom is dead, and the only other girl I talk to on a regular basis has all the personality of a dead fish. Everyone treats me like shit and then expects me to go out in the eva and save everyone. And now an angel ate me and I am going to die here, cold and alone, talking to myself."
"Wow, that's rough, hey I think I can help you out though…"
"And that's not the half of it! Misato keeps teasing me, Asuka calls me weak and when I do better than her she just gets mad! Nobody will tell me what is really going on! I don't even know if I want to save everyone, I don't even know why I am fighting! Not like I have questions about it, I just don't know why at all! They just tell me what to do!"
"Yeah kid, that's pretty jacked, now I can help, all you gotta do is…"
"Help?! That's what it takes, I have to die and have some weirdo in a dream ask to get somebody to help me! Yeah I want help! I want to know what the hell is going on, I want to make dad tell me why he did what he did! I want to make Asuka treat me like a fucking human being! I want Rei to act like a real person and not a robot and I want to know why the hell I keep having wet dreams about albino guys!" Shinji screamed. He was up now, stomping around the train car, swinging his arms about as he spoke.
"Wooooooooah Tee-Em-Eye! But tell ya what, I can get you all that and more."
"I am going to die in a few minutes, what the hell is it going to help?!"
"Well I mean, can start by getting you out of here, ya know. Not gonna lie, I come out of this deal good only as long as you do, so if you want my help, kinda want to hurry this up. All you gotta do is say a few magic words and we can get to work, comprende?"
"O-kay?" Shinji said. The dirty man pulled a coffee stained business card out of pocket and held it out for Shinji. The boy took it in both hands with a bow, just like they taught in school.
"Whats all this?"
"Just read it kid, and we'll be on our way. You and me against the world." The man said, wrapping his arm around Shinji's shoulder. "Gonna have all sorts of fun. It will be like some real father and son shit, or that creepy old uncle ya drink with, whatever ya like, just read it."
Shinji held up the card to see it more clearly in the twilight.
"Though I know I should be wary, still I venture someplace scary…"
He felt the train start to slow, and heard the bell ring as the doors opened.
"This is our stop kid, just say the word and we can get off." The man in the striped suit said, swinging his arm along the horizon
"Ghostly hauntings I turn loose…"
The light was getting brighter now, so bright the train was beginning to fade away.
Shinji awoke with a shock in the cockpit of the evangelion. There was still only darkness. Had it all been a dream?
He looked down and found he was still holding the dirty business card in his hands. He looked up and saw the battery life displayed on the plug wall, less than a minute of life support left. Oh why not? If it was a dream, might as well keep going.
"Beetlejuice, Beetlejuice, Beetlejuice."
The grating laughter filled the plug as the darkness and displays was replaced by writhing snakes of black and white, green tongues lolling out of blue lips.
"HehehehahahaAHAHAHAHAHA… Its SHOWTIME!"
Unit Zero and Two were in place ready to take down the angel's AT field before the N2 strike began, the bombers gathered overhead, when it all happened.
Suddenly the psychedelic patterns across the angel's spherical shadow began to turn and warp, its black "body" buzzing and popping. Screeching like nails on a chalkboard filled the air as the sphere twisted in on itself into a knot. The ties of the knot began to move and flow as the black and white lines organized themselves. Soon mouths with fleshy lips and green and black tongues emerged to consume themselves as the shadow began to sink towards the body.
Everyone watching could the struggle between the force pulling the shadow down and something within the shadow trying to rise. The ropes of the knot released their own bodies from their jaws and reached out as fetid worms, biting into the body of the angel.
The scream shook the city, the evangelions, and even the airframes above. Even in the command bridge, far down in the geofront, the sound caused instant migraines.
As the worms consumed the angel's body, the knot of the shadow pulled tighter and tighter. Eventually there was a single body from which many worms came. Then the beasts began to consume each other, until only a single gigantic one remained. The worm dwarfed the surrounding buildings for the moments of its existence until its flesh split and began to melt away.
Finally, all that was left a lake of gore, a noxious green miasma, and Evangelion Unit One, sporting a very art deco new pain scheme of black and white hazard stripes. The giant threw back its head, fists raised to the sky, and roared its victory before finally shutting down.
"Well Doctor, what happened?"
"It ate the angel."
"Unit One… ate the angel?"
"Yep."
"How do you believe this occurred, could the pilots state have had something to do with it?"
Ritsuko Akagi shrugged and put another cigarette in her mouth. "No idea."
"Is there a danger of infection of some kind?"
"I dunno." She said with a shrug. "Looks like its core is finally working though. Besides that, new paint job and we can't get the smell of blood off it, that's all I got. Give me a few weeks, I might be able to come up with something better, but I've been awake for like twenty eight hours at this point, so I am just impressed I can still talk if I am to be honest."
"I… see. What is the condition of the pilot?"
"Well he looks like someone who has not eaten or slept in a day or so, but basically okay. Well okay, that is his condition, he LOOKS like death not so warmed over but maybe that's just the LCL."
"Riiiight…" Gendo said, adjusting his glasses. The good doctor was certainly acting strangely, but perhaps it was just lack of sleep. Either way he knew better than to ask for a quickie at this point. "And where is the pilot now?"
"Right outside."
"Good, good. You go get some rest, send him in on your way out if you please."
Ritsuko Akagi yawned as she left the room and promptly collapsed asleep on one of the Spartan benches in the hallway.
"See what I mean, driving the sleepwalkers is easy. Now remember, nobody else can see me so just act like I'm not here." Shinji's new "uncle" explained as they stepped into Gendo Ikari's office. Shinji opened the door, BJ just walked through the wall.
"Pilot."
"Father." Shinji said. He was more bored with the man now than anything. Oji-sama had explained a lot about what kind of man his father was and it had dispelled much of the fear he had held before.
Beetlejuice had produced a screwdriver from somewhere and was walking around behind Gendo's desk.
"I am concerned over what occurred once you were… captured by the angel and what changes may have been made to your evangelion. If you display any signs of infection, I will have you terminated immediately, withooooooooh!-" Gendo yelped as his chair collapsed under him, sending him to the floor.
Shinji started to giggle but managed to suppress it by the time Gendo looked at him over his desk.
"You…"
"What?" Shinji said, hands raised defensively. "You aren't going to accuse me of making your chair break with angelic powers are you?"
Shinji wiggled his fingers in the air and made a 'wwoooooOOOooo' ghost sound.
"OUT!"
Shinji stuffed his hands in his pockets and didn't stop laughing after he left the creepy office until he was on the elevator to the surface.
"Alright Oji-sama, what else can you do?"
"What can't I do? I'm the ghost with the most, kid. Y'know, s'long as you don't mind like a second pair of eyes along for the ride, could look into that girl problem you were talking about. And I won't tell the wife if you don't."
Shinji grinned, imagining the possibilities then had an odd thought. "Wait, Oji-sama, you're married?"
"Yeah…. Why you lookin' at me all weird?"
"I dunno, I just thought… you didn't seem the kind, that's all."
"Well excuse me! I have a beautiful wife and a couple of kids I'll have you know."
"Oh yeah?"
"Yeah!"
"What's their names?"
"Lydia, and I got Junior and Barbara at home, look." The old man said, pulling a picture from his wallet and showing it to Shinji. It showed a pretty brunette in a red cloak with two small and profoundly creepy children dressed in all black at her feet. A full quarter of the picture was obscured by a finger.
"Let me guess, you took the picture?"
"Yeah, how can ya tell?"
"Just a guess."
"So, hows about a little lesson in getting' the ladies from yer uncle BJ? Who we going to go see? Or better yet, who we gonna go see first?"
"Oh, first has got to be…."
God I loved the Beetlejuice cartoon growing up. I didn't see the movie till years later of course, but I remember laughing so hard I could barely breath. This is obviously based more in the cartoon.
Most stupid one of these I have done so far? Most definitely. I will freely admit I was giggling writing it though. Things like this help me break writer's block.
I bet y'all saw the title and thought it was gonna be a Big O crossover too.
What did you think, BJ?
Nice fucking fan-fic! HONK HONK