Shinji Ikari One Shot
Science Fiction Double feature
I wouldn't call this crack… I would call this cocaine snorted directly off a transvestite's ass.
If you have not seen the Rocky Horror Picture show… what are you doing with your life, I mean seriously?
If you have had the… privilege… of seeing it surrounded by other people… what are you doing with your life, I mean seriously? Either way, knowledge of the source material is very much required for this one.
Part 1: In which a play is put on…
"Well, I suppose you are all curious as to why I called you here today."
"Not really Commander Ikari, its Monday morning, we always have a meeting on Monday morning."
"That is the operations meeting Major Katsuragi, which has been pushed back to Tuesday this week. No, this morning I would like to discuss some additional duties that will be shared amongst NERV staff. You see there has been quite the exodus of civil employees. This is unsurprising given the danger in our work. However lights still need to turn on, toilets need to flush, and, and this is what I would like to discuss today, children need to be taught. While I am more than happy to have the enlisted personal handle the hard labor, I feel that the instruction of children should land squarely on the shoulders of the senior staff… Why are you all looking at me like that?"
"Sir, I can't think of anybody less qualified to teach children than us."
"Major, everyone at this table is college educated, Dr. Akagi and Professor Fuyutsuki both have multiple degrees, and you yourself received quite high marks. We will be fine to fill in for the departed staff, its not like we will be taking over all teaching duties."
"Well, if you say so Sir, I am sure we can handle subbing for a class now and then, not like we will need to…"
"The first order of business is of course the school play this year. I delegate that to you Professor."
"Thank you commander. Dr. Akagi, Major Katsuragi, I delegate this to you, let me know if you require any assistance."
6 Weeks later
Misato peaked out from the wings as the audience began to file in. It was mostly parents, though a good deal of NERV personnel had shown up as well. She wasn't sure if they came out of interest or sympathy. It was a big deal when the commander of NERV agreed to help out with a school play. Most of them were inspecting little brown paper bags…
"Rits, we weren't passing out favors in the lobby were we?"
"What? Of course not, imagine the chaos if people started throwing things."
In the lobby, Ryoji Kaji was passing out bags and "special" playbills.
"One free for everyone, come and get'em! Only way to get the full experience folks."
Dr. Ritsuko Akagi stepped onto the stage in front of the curtain and the house went quiet.
"Hello everyone, and welcome to Tokyo-3 Secondary's annual school play. We at NERV are very excited to have been part of the education of these children in the fine arts and hope you enjoy watching as much as we have enjoyed preparing and putting this show on for you. So without further ado…" She said and stepped off stage as the curtain went up.
Standing alone in the middle of the stage was a busty girl in a maid's uniform, the high flounced skirt revealing her fish-net glad, long athletic legs in dancing heels. The frilly white headpiece was jauntily cocked to the side and her long violet hair hung straight down to the small of her back, framing her face and bright cherry red lips. Mari had left her glasses off to reduce glare. She was a professional, or the few gasps at her outfit from the audience would have made her laugh. Hands held in together in front of her, she began to sing.
"Oh Michael Rennie was ill the day the earth stood still, but he told us where we stand…"
"ON OUR HEADS!" Shouted several voice from the audience at once. How rude Mari thought, but didn't skip a beat.
"And Flash Gordon was there in silver underwear, Claude Rains was the invisible man!"
"SHIT I MISSED HIM!"
Oh that's how you want to play it? Fine thought Mari. She broke her poised stance and raised open hands to the ceiling, belting out the lyrics with new enthusiasm.
"But something went wrong…"
"FOR WHO?"
"For Fey Ray and King Kong…"
"WHAT HAPPENED?"
"They got caught in a celluloid jam…"
" YEAH SUCKERS!"
"Then at a deadly pace, it came…"
"WHERE?!"
"From outer space!"
"THANK YOU!"
"And this is how the message ran!" Mari said, strutting across the stage as the chorus, glad in black, stepped out from the shadows.
"Science fiction, double feature. Dr. X will build a creature. See Androids fighting…"
"AND SUCKING AND FUCKING ON…"
And so it went. Misato already had a list of suspects for this shit and was heading out to the lobby when she found the kid in the jean jacket vest with a broken leg, clutching his saxophone.
"THE MAN YOU ARE ABOUT TO SEE HAS NO FUCKING NECK!"
After the scene at the wedding, the lights had gone dark. When they came back up, none other than Commander Gendo Ikari was sitting in a blush leather chair in the middle of the stage, a large leather bound album in his white gloved hands. As the audience had promised, his collar and ascot did indeed totally obscure his neck beneath his beard.
"I would…"
"YOU WOULD."
Gendo cleared his throat and continued. "If I may…"
"YOU MAY NOT!"
Gendo growled to himself, cursing the bright lights for preventing him from seeing just who was leading that infernal heckling. He of course would not let such a thing prevent him from carrying out his task. He had been quite the thespian in high school, his performance frequently praised as solid as an oak. He was sure that is what they meant when they said wooden. The doctor and the major said this role would be perfect for him.
"To take you…
"WHERE?"
"…On a strange journey."
"HOW STRANGE IS IT? SO STRANGE THEY WROTE A PLAY ABOUT IT!"
"It seems a fairly ordinary night, when Brad Majors…"
"ASSHOLE!"
"and his fiancée Janet Weiss…"
"SLUT!"
"Two, young, normal, healthy kids, left Denton that November night to visit Dr. Everett Scott, Ex-tutor and now friend to both of them. Its true there were dark clouds…"
"PLEASE DESCRIBE YOUR BALLS!"
"Heavy, black, and pendulous." Gendo said, wincing as laughter erupted.
"Hi!" Shinji said with uncharacteristic confidence. He had taken to acting and very much enjoyed the last several weeks for… various reasons. "I'm Brad Majors…"
"ASSHOLE!" Shinji did not even mind those obnoxious members of the audience. He just had to keep himself from laughing.
"… and this is my fiancée Janet Weiss."
"SLUT!" He was less pleased about that particular call.
"I wonder if you could help us. You see our car broke down a few miles up the road. Do you have a phone we might use?"
"CASTLES DON'T HAVE PHONES ASSHOLE!"
"You're wet." Riff Raff, played by Toji Suzuahara said, offering an apparently blood stained handkerchief.
"HEY JANET ARE YOU A SLUT?"
"Yes. Its raining." Rei responded as she took the cloth and began to dab her hair.
"HEY BRAD ARE YOU AN ASSHOLE?"
"Yes." Shinji said, barely managing to conceal his reaction that time. Rei was staying admirably straight faced.
"Yes, I think you had better both come inside."
"WE DON'T CARE WHERE YOU CUM AS LONG AS YOU CLEAN IT UP." Apparently that was a little off color for the audience. It had been far quieter.
"Oh you're too kind…" Rei said, huddled up against her 'fiancee'. "Oh Brad, I'm frightened, what is this place?"
"Oh its probably some hunting lodge for rich weirdos."
"RICH WEIRDOS AREN'T IN SEASON ASSHOLE!"
"Oh."
"This way…" Toji said, beckoning them across the stage, down the 'hall'.
"Are you having a party?"
"You've arrived on a very special night. Its one of the masters' affairs."
"Oh, lucky him." Rei said. On cue, Hikari, in a disheveled maid's uniform with dark circles painted around her eyes, slid down a banister, landing right behind Rei, who jumped with a yelp.
"You're lucky, he's lucky, I'm lucky, we're all lucky!"
"THAT BANISTERS LUCKY!"
As the music kicked in, Toji licked his lips and touched hands with Hikari, slowly sliding together to touch elbows then sliding away as the audience chanted.
"ELBOW SEX, ELBOW SEX!"
"Its astounding, time is fleeting, madness, takes control, but listen closely."
"Not for very much longer!" Hikari manically shouted as Toji spun her with her hand above her head then pulled her very close. Their noses nearly touched as he dipped her.
"I've got to… keep control." He said, swung her upright, and she shoved him away.
"I remember! Doing the time warp! Drinking those moments when the darkness would hit me!"
"And the void would be calling!" Hikari sang as she mimed pulling swinging the door open and the chorus, dressed in ill-fitting tuxedos and bizarre party favors, two-stepped in.
"Lets do the time warp agaaaaaaaaaain!"
As the dancers collapsed on the stage, Shinji and Rei stepped back in, careful to step well past the blocked mark on the floor. All the others had been removed but this was probably the only dangerous stage effect and so it had been left, just in case.
Mari in her gold sequined jacket felt like really collapsing. Tap-dancing in a corset was torture.
"Brad, say something."
"Say, do any of you guys know how to Madison?"
"Brad please, lets just get out of here." Rei said as they stepped back together, feeling for the mark with their heels sliding across the floor.
"For god's sake, keep a grip on yourself Janet."
"It seems so unhealthy here."
"Its just a party, Janet."
"Well, I want to go." She said and they stopped at their mark and turned to one another.
"Well we can't go until I use the phone."
"Well then ask the butler or something."
"Just a moment Janet, we don't want to interfer with their celebration."
"This isn't the junior chamber of commerce Brad."
"They're probably foreigners with ways different than our own. Perhaps they will do some more folk dancing."
"Look, I'm cold, I'm wet…"
"YOU'RE ALWAYS WET, SLUT!"
"and I am just plain scared!" Rei said, stamping one foot.
Shinji took Rei by the arms as the "elevator", really just a rope swing with a cardboard door in front of it began to lower itself.
"I'm here, there is nothing to worry about."
The elevator met the stage and Rei screamed with her hands raised to her mouth. She fell into Shinji's arms and he pulled her away as the "door" rose back up to the catwalk.
In six inch platform heels and black lingerie shimmering with sequins, Asuka Langely Soryu threw off her cape and made her stage debut.
"How you do! I… see you met my… faithful handyman. He's just a little brought down, because when yoooou knocked, he thought you were the candyman, didntja freaky?"
Strutting to the edge of the stage, swinging her hips, there were gasps from the crowd. "Don't get strung out, by the way I look, don't judge a book by its cover-er. I'm not much of a man, by the light of day." Asuka ran one hand through her hair and with the other grasping the rubber between her legs shimmied down to touch her very exposed bottom to her heels then back up.
"But by night I'm one hell of a lover-er. I'm just a sweet transvestite, from transssssexual, transylvaniaaaaaa-haha."
Backstage, Misato was pulling on Ritsuko's arm.
"Rits we got a problem!"
"Ssssh, what is it?"
"Eddie broke his leg."
"Oh down in IT? I thought you knew, we passed around the get well card last week."
"No, I mean our Eddie, you know, goes on in like five minutes, sings, dances, plays the sax!"
"Oh shit."
"Oh shit indeed. Who else can play saxophone?"
"Well nobody, I mean you had to tutor him…" Ritsuko said, suddenly staring at Misato.
"What?"
"It would be different…."
"Huh?"
"No, daring! Bold, not seen before, a progressive interpretation of a classic of sexual liberation!"
"Rits what are you… oh no, you aren't suggesting…"
"Come on, don't you have those cut offs in your bag anyway?" Ritsuko grabbed the major by the arm. "Make-up, got another one and make it quick!"
"In just seven days, I can make you a maaaa-a-a-a-a-aaaan!" Asuka finished, holding Kowaru's fist in the air. The strange boy had been oddly enthusiastic to appear in a gold speedo and with no other volunteers had been cast as Rocky. One the cue of the motorcycle sounds, they both moved away as the door of the "lab" opened with dry ice fog bellowing out.
"EDDIE!" Mari squealed, especially loudly in surprise as Misato rode the prop out. Her hair was pulled back and she was wearing her cut offs, a little t-shirt borrowed from a middle school girl, sunglasses, and not much else. The saxophone was slung across her back.
"Whatever happened to a Saturday night? When you dressed up good and you felt all right?" She sang, dismounting and grabbing Mari around the waist.
"It don't seem the same since cosmic light came into my life, I thought I was divine! I used to go for a ride with a chick who'd go, and listen to the music on the stereo. A saxophone was playin' on a rock and roll show, you climbed in the back seat, you know you had a real good ti-ime!"
"Hot patootie, bless my soul-"
"SEX DRUGS AND ROCK N' ROLL!" The audience screamed, drowning out the players.
"Well this is intermission folks, um, no need to rush, please don't push…" Ritsuko said, her enthusiasm waning as parents rushed for the doors. She sighed as the curtain dropped. Perhaps this had been a little too avant-garde for the 8th grade play.
End of Part 1
This may or may not get a part 2. I was getting weird looks as I laughed maniacally over this. I initially considered doing it as a straight up NGE characters living those events, but this seemed more fun.
The, ahem, playbill below…
Tokyo-3 Secondary Theater Company
With the assistance of UN NERV
Presents a classic of 20th Century Western Musical Theater
The Rocky Horror Show
Cast…
Brad= Shinji Ikari
Janet= Rei Ayanami
Dr. Frank N. Furter= Asuka Langely Soryu
Riff Raff=Toji Suzuhara
Magenta= Hikari Horaki
Columbia= Mari Illustrious Marikami
Rocky Horror= Kaworu Nagisa
Dr. Everett Scott= Kensuke Aida
Eddie= Misato Katsuragi
The Criminologist= Gendo Ikari