Title: What Could Have Been
Author: Tearsofamiko
Rating: K
Disclaimer: see first chapter
Spoilers: Mind Games
Summary: Even when it's all said and done, it's the 'might-have-beens' that kill you.
Much Too Close
A/N: I'm so mean to Tony, but playing with his emotions is so much fun! :)
He comes to get her, pulls her into his arms and holds her tight. She clings to him, unusual for her, but, after the ordeal she's been through, understandable. They stand like that for a minute, both drawing comfort from the other. It'd been too close for him, too soon after losing Kate. He doesn't want to consider what he'd have done if he couldn't save her.
She is who she is, though, and eventually she pulls away, cool and unreachable once again. He pulls out his phone and calls McGee, gets him to get a team out to process the barn. He doesn't call the EMTs, opting instead to take her down to Ducky once they get back; she agrees. As the team arrives on site, they climb in his car and drive back.
As he drives, he keeps sneaking glances at her, reassuring himself that she is, in fact, okay. She never responds, just leans her head against the window. He doesn't blame her. Concussions are bad and he's had enough to completely commiserate. It's silent in the car, but he doesn't try to break it. No, to him, it's loud and reassuring, filled with the soft sound of her breathing. He drinks it in, pulls it close, lets it soothe away the terror he felt for her. As he sits there, he lets his body switch to autopilot, trusting his reflexes to keep them safe.
It'd been so close and he needs to process it, get his head around it before they get back to headquarters. He didn't think anything would compare to the relief he felt when he got her call. After their first suspect in her abduction panned out, leaving them with only a name to work with, no location, he'd expected the worst. After all, he'd seen the pictures and with Kyle Boone, that's what was most likely. He'd resigned himself to simply finding her body, had been counting on it, when he answered his phone. And what he'd felt when her voice came through the receiver was indescribable. And, now that she's safe beside him, he tries to let go of the fear and the guilt.
"I'm sorry he got you, Paula," he tells her, not looking at her as he says it. His guilt won't let him.
"It's all right, DiNozzo," she replies, sounding tired and his heart clenches.
It'd been so close and they both knew it.
The rest of the day passes in a blur, nothing really standing out in the aftermath of his emotion. He vaguely remembers the triumph of beating Boone at his own twisted game, the relief that showed briefly in Gibbs' eyes upon seeing Paula safe again. He refuses to consider what losing Paula would have done to Gibbs; she's safe and they don't have to deal with that. Instead, they caught their man, figuratively speaking. And, after a job well done, he heads back to his apartment.
He's numb as he pulls out some cold pizza, as he showers. He knows he shouldn't be this out of it, everything turned out okay. He didn't lose her, it wasn't his fault, she was safe at home now, probably asleep under a blanket of painkillers for her injuries.
He knows this, he pulled her to safety himself.
But it had been much too close.
And now he's left to deal with it.