Six

Ziva finished washing the last plate in the sink and put it in the dish tray to air dry.

She grabbed her watch from the side of the sink and put it back on her wrist as she walked into the living room, to find Tony asleep on the couch.

She smiled softly and grabbed the blanket off of the back of the couch and covered him up. She sat down on the floor next to the coffee table to reply to some emails.

XXXXX

Two hours and thirty-three emails later, Tony jerked awake.

His breathing was quick, and his eyes were darting around the room, trying to figure out where he just woke up. His eyes settled on Ziva and he calmed down noticeably.

"Are you okay?" Ziva asked.

Tony nodded silently.

"Do you want to talk about it?"

Tony shook his head no.

"Alright. Can I do anything for you?" Ziva asked.

"Can you just sit with me?" Tony asked.

Ziva exited her Gmail page and closed her laptop and put it back in the middle of the table so it wouldn't get knocked off.

She sat down on the couch and rested against the arm, so she was facing the door, and Tony. She opened her arms and laid down between her legs with his head on her chest.

"Better?" Ziva asked, running her hand through his hair.

Tony nodded. "You can tell me if it's too much you know. If I get too needy." He said softly.

"Stop it Tony. You are not too needy, I do not mind, really." Ziva said.

"I know what you said." Tony said.

"When?" Ziva asked, confused.

"Last night, in the hospital when I went to sleep." He said. "I Googled it while you were getting dressed."

'Crap.' Ziva thought. She bit her lip. "Tony, I… I, um.." She stuttered. "I should not have said…"

"I love you too, Ziva." Tony said.

"I should not ha.. what?" Ziva asked.

Tony chuckled and looked up at her. "I love you too." He repeated.

Ziva stayed quiet. 'He's joking. He has to be joking.'

"I do not think you mean it the way I do Tony." Ziva said.

"What way do you think I mean it?" He asked.

"You love me like you love Abby. Like a sister." Ziva said.

"That's not how I meant it." Tony told her.

"I do not think you do mean it right now Tony. I think right now you are scared, and you want to feel close to someone, and I am fine if that someone is me, but I do not know what will happen if you say it, and then in a few months you realize that you did not mean it, you just needed someone to be there with you." Ziva said.

She could feel the tears in her eyes. She wanted to believe him, but she was scared to try.

Tony looked up at her and brought a hand up to tuck a piece of hair behind her ear.

"You're wrong." He said simply.

"What?" Ziva asked, thoroughly confused. She didn't want to get ahead of herself and assume something he didn't mean.

"I love you Ziva. Not like a sister, and not because I'm scared."

"Why?" Ziva asked.

"What do you mean why?" Tony asked.

"Why, when you could literally have any woman that you have so much as blinked at, would you want me?" Ziva asked. She stopped herself when she felt that she had said too much. She had shown fear, fear included insecurity.

"I don't know, but I do. I think the better question right now is why, especially after all of this," Tony said, referring to his bruised body, "would you want me? I don't… I don't want to do the things I used to before." Tony said quietly.

"Do what things Tony?" Ziva asked.

Tony bit his lip. "Uh, well… sex." He said, looking away from her.

"I do not remember asking you for sex Tony." Ziva said.

"Not yet, but you will… I don't… what if I can't?" Tony asked.

Ziva ran her hand through Tony's hair gently. "I, I am not ready for that either Tony." She told him quietly. "And even if I was it does not matter. I do not need sex to be in a relationship."

"Everybody needs sex eventually. And I don't want you to expect that, and then I'm not able to." Tony said.

"Stop it. Sit up." Ziva told him..

Tony pushed himself off of her and Ziva sat up and criss-crossed her legs, so she was still facing him. She slid her hands into his and looked him in the eye.

"If you want this to work, you have to trust me." She told him.

"I do trust you." Tony said.

"Then listen to me. Actually listen to what I am telling you." Ziva said insistently.

Tony nodded. "Okay."

Ziva squeezed his hands. "I do not want sex Tony. Not right now. I am not ready. I understand exactly how you feel right now, and I am not saying that I won't wake up tomorrow and be ready, but even if I am, it does not matter to me if you aren't. I will not push you into anything that you are not ready for. I wouldn't ever expect anything like that from you Tony, or anyone else I'm in a relationship for that matter. I expect understanding, and commitment, and loyalty, but I will never, ever, expect sex."

Tony nodded slowly. "I must sound pretty pathetic right now, huh?" He said.

"Why? Because you are uncomfortable with doing something that is scaring you right now? Because right now your mind is relating sex to violence?" Ziva asked softly, running her thumbs over the backs of his hands.

"I know that it isn't supposed to be scary though. And I know it isn't supposed to be related to violence." Tony told her.

"But right now it is. And it's confusing, and terrifying, because what happened to you was exactly that. You are not pathetic Tony. Not even a little bit." Ziva told him softly.

"How are you so calm? How can you talk about it and not want to throw up?" Tony asked.

Ziva shrugged. "After I got back, I was okay for the first little while, I did not think it was affecting me. Then I started to have nightmares, and in the beginning I could just brush them off, they were not interfering with work, so it did not matter. But during that case, the Petty Officer who was raped… it got really bad. I started having flashbacks, reliving it all, while I was at work, and I decided that my job, and my sanity, and my health were more important than my pride. So, I found a therapist. Nobody at NCIS knows Tony, I did not tell them, I did not want it to go in my file and prevent me from becoming an agent." She said, looking down at their hands.

"Did it help? Therapy, I mean?" Tony asked.

Ziva nodded. "It did, it helped a lot actually. There are still nightmares, and I have had panic attacks, and flashbacks, but I know how to deal with them now." Ziva said.

"Do you think it would help me?" Tony asked.

Ziva looked back up. "I think it would."

"I don't want to go right now. I don't think I'm quite ready to talk to a stranger about it." Tony said.

Ziva nodded. "That is perfectly okay Tony. Sometimes it is actually easier to talk to a stranger than someone close to you, but whenever you are ready, you can find someone, or if you want, we can set up an appointment with my therapist for a referral." She said.

"Do you still go?" Tony asked.

Ziva nodded. "Once a month. More if I need to. I have an appointment tomorrow, which I need to cancel actually." Ziva said, reaching for her cell phone.

"Why do you need to cancel it?" Tony asked.

Ziva wasn't sure what to say, so she sat in silence.

"Ziva?" He asked.

"Because you do not want to be alone for that long." Ziva admitted quietly.

"I'll go with you." Tony said.

"What?" Ziva asked.

Tony nodded. "I'll go with you, I'll sit in the waiting room. You can't just not go Ziva, it's important."

"So are you." Ziva told him.

"Not that important." He retorted.

"I can just not go this month, or I can reschedule, it is not a big deal Tony." Ziva said.

"Then I'm gonna go home. I'll ask McGee to come check on me every few hours. I appreciate what you're trying to do, but not like this. You will not sacrifice your mental health for me. I won't let you." Tony said stubbornly.

Ziva sighed. Why did the man always have to be so stubborn?

"Okay… okay." She said. "I will go."

Tony let out a sigh of relief. Ziva couldn't tell if it was because she said she would go, or because he wouldn't have to stay alone at home.

Tony brought his hand up to her cheek softly. "You have to promise me that if we do this… relationship thing, you won't give up anything that's important like this because you think it'll make me feel better, okay?" Tony said.

Ziva nodded. "Okay." She agreed.

Tony smiled. "Thank you." He said, leaning forward to kiss Ziva's forehead lightly.