I'm a coward. A ridiculous coward, sitting on top of the toilet tank, my feet straddling both sides of the seat and hiding behind the locked bathroom stall in order to avoid my current life. My eyes shift from the cursive Cullen stitched onto the letterman's jacket on my lap to the truck key chain clutched in my hand.
Two gifts from two very, very different boys.
I spent the previous day locked up in my room, too afraid that if my father caught a glimpse of me he'd know in an instant that something had transpired the night before. Being with Jake on Saturday night felt...different. I felt different. Everything that happened was so much more than anything I've ever done and so, so intimate.
The way his hands held me still, his lips pressed against my most sensitive area eliciting sensations from me that I never knew existed. A memory so vivid that I can almost feel him between my thighs again. I don't know what he's doing down there but it's different and wet and every bit as wicked as I imagined it to be. The more the sensations grow, the shallower my breath wanes until I become light-headed with the most pleasurable feeling. My thigh starts that embarrassing shaking thing again, reminding me of a dog getting its belly scratched. If this is the equivalent to what a dog feels then I fully understand why every pet I've encountered immediately rolls on its back when petted.
He stops, his piercing black eyes shadowed in the dim light as he looks up at me from his provocative position. I flush from the intensity of it. An unexplainable vulnerability overcomes me during this intimate moment. His fingers have somehow drifted to my...special location, barely touching my opening while his thumb continues circling in the absence of his tongue. "Are you ready to take me in?" He asks with a devilish smirk. The sensations are building up so much inside of me that it's almost difficult for me to focus on what he's asking. He purposely stops his menstrations, waiting on a response. Immediate embarrassment ensues. "Don't overthink it, Princess. Do you want more? Yes or no?"
His smirk tells me that he's referencing our game. I'm too mortified to vocalize it so instead, I squeeze my eyes shut and nod. That's all the affirmation he needs before he dives right back down, his tongue doing amazing things that I didn't even know it could do. His teeth scrape across my most sensitive spot and his fingers enter me.
I can still feel the tingles all over me when I think about it. The way it all felt with him. It was so overpowering and sensational, an explosiveness I've never known erupting over me. But what scares me - what has been keeping me awake since the minute it was over - is the thought that came unbidden to my mind with as much force as the orgasm: I'm falling in love with you.
He left immediately after.
I don't know how to feel about that. Two days later and I'm still not sure. He did what he had come to do. We "made up" the way that he had intended and that was it. No words of endearment and no promises for later. I was unsure whether or not I should cry after. I've never been under the assumption that I could mean more to him. I've always known that I'm a bet and nothing more, so it isn't fair of me to expect him to have feelings for me just because I've started to develop them. Of all the stupid things that I could do, falling in love with him would be the worst.
I let out a long sigh. The previous times we've been together, something always interrupted us. This time, however, we didn't have any unforeseen circumstances forcing us to part but with the simple remark, Told you, you'd like it, he left. Just as I was buttoning up my shirt.
Simple. Like what had just transpired between us was nothing more than kiss among friends. And I guess in all reality it wasn't. This wasn't a first for him. He didn't feel like there was something shifting inside of him, something unexplainable and scary. Something meaningful. I know what Edward would've done. He would've stayed. He would've cuddled with me and whispered in my ear that he loved me. But that isn't fair. I can't compare the two of them. They are as different as this letterman's jacket and this key chain. It's ironic how these gifts resemble the givers, one is warm and comforting, openly showing our relationship and the other is hard, special, and a secret.
Two completely different boys, each pulling me in different directions.
But I can't fall in love with Jacob Black. I can't. That road will lead to nothing but heartache. In six weeks he'll be done with me. But what if he's not? The treacherous part of my heart whispers.
The first bell rings, a shrill reminder that I can't hide out here all day. I have to suck it up, get up and get my rear to my first hour. Shuffling down the corridors I make my way to my locker where Alice and Edward stand, eyes sifting through the crowded hall, searching for me. When Edward sees me he smiles and my heart stills in my chest, a vision of my evening with Jacob flashes through my mind. My transgressions against Edward keep getting worse and worse. I'm being so unfair to him. I know I should tell him the truth or I should break up with him. But God, if my heart doesn't feel like its wrenching in two when I think about either of those options.
I plaster on a fake smile, something I think must be starting to resemble my normal one, since no one ever seems to notice.
Joining the pair is the typical routine, Edward sidles up next to me as I deposit my books in my locker, ready to wrap his arm around me and walk us to class. While Alice starts talking a mile a minute. Today she's reminding me of our upcoming Homecoming dance and begs me to go dress shopping with her. I respond with an unpromising maybe. On my list of problems right now, finding a Homecoming dress is way down at the bottom. Once we reach our destination Alice goes on inside while Edward and I stop. Glancing up at him I notice he's examining me a little too closely. I shift uncomfortably. "What?" I ask, feeling self conscious and suddenly afraid of what he could see written on my guilt-ridden face. He tugs me a few feet away from the door and waits until the hallway is clear.
"Are you okay?"
"I'm fine," I offer a smile and notice that I didn't stutter on my lie this time. Maybe my lying skills are finally improving.
He looks like he doesn't believe me, his gaze holding mine until I break it away.
"It's just that you seem..." He sighs, "I don't know, preoccupied?"
He says "preoccupied" like its a question, like he's not really sure that's the right word to describe it.
I suck in a breath, my stomach is already churning. "Oh, I, uh-" So much for my non-stuttering lying skills.
"It's like one minute you're here with me and the next..." He runs his fingers through his hair, obviously struggling with the words, "You're somewhere else. Like Saturday, you were with me one-hundred percent until you...werent." He sighs again, shaking his head, "That doesn't make sense. I mean, you left with Rose and came back, physically, but I mean, when you're with me, it's like you're not really with me. You know?"
I open my mouth, not that I know what to say, I'm completely speechless but it doesn't matter because he continues, "I know when you came back Lauren was flirting with me and I thought maybe that's why you were acting distant at first but then you started dancing with me and I thought, whoa," His eyes widen in a comical, yet typical boy way that tells me what he really thought about my grinding dance moves. "...this is good, but then you suddenly withdrew from me again. And I dont think its just because you were embarrassed that you hit me."
"Edward, I-" the tardy bell rings and Edward clasps my hands in his, hurrying to finish what he was saying.
"I just want you to know that you can tell me anything and if it does have to do with Lauren and me - that if you think that you have to prove that you deserve to be with me - you don't. I want to be with you. Only you. I love you. Okay?"
I start to nod but with tears blurring my eyes, I switch to shaking my head instead. "No, I don't deserve you."
"No, Bella, I don't deserve you." He kisses me quickly and gives me an unsteady smile as he starts backing away, "we're late." I watch until he turns the corner, my tears are coming faster now, harder. I have to pull myself together. I can't break down here. I have to get to class! Taking a deep breath, I try to push back the tears when a slow clap echoes behind me. I whip around to see Jake propped with one shoulder against the wall. He pushes against it and starts walking my way, wearing his signature smirk, "Well, wasn't that romantic?"
I can't deal with this right now. I shake my head and start for the door. He grabs my forearm before I make it two steps.
"Princess." There's something about his tone of voice, it's not pity or empathic. It sounds like a warning, with an underlying hint of anger.
My gaze shoots to his, what does he have to be angry about? "What?"
Taking in my tear-streaked face, the anger that was etched on his melts away. Well good for him, because I'm suddenly furious with him. Irrationally angry, I know, but I want to lash out at him and tell him this is all his fault. Tell him that he did this to me with his stupid bet and his stupid good looks and his stupid, talented mouth that knows just the right thing to say or just the right way to kiss me or knows how to - the image of him between my legs flashes to the forefront of my mind - yeah that too!
Heat creeps up to my face, due to my wayward thoughts or my anger or maybe both.
It isn't fair! Edward and I were happy before Jake forced himself into my life and turned everything upside down! Before he started forcing himself into my heart.
Jake's eyebrows crease, "You don't want to go in there now. Come on, let's skip."
My eyes search his, looking for sincerity or apology or some sort of glimpse that maybe, just maybe, he feels differently about me now, too.
"The other night you left me…" Half-naked. Confused. "So fast."
His surprise is evident, which is just as I suspected. It never occurred to him to stay. I search his gaze one last time, hoping that maybe I'd see a hint of the way that Edward looks at me reflected in his features but I don't see anything except the boy who stepped off his motorcycle the first day of school. Maybe I know him a little better now, but he's still the same.
I'm the one who's changed.
I open the door and shut it behind me.
~~~~ BoM ~~~~
"What happened?" Alice crosses her arms as she glances back at the seat that Jacob has just vacated behind me. I was surprised when he had opened the door after me and taken up his usual seat. Alice cocked her head to the side when I sat down, silently questioning why I had been crying, her eyes shifting from Jake to me and back. It was obvious she thought he was the reason and as soon as class was over she placed herself between us, buffering me from him. She continued to stare him down until he finally, (and dare I say reluctantly?) he stalked out.
I'd been preparing for her question the whole hour so I was ready. "Edward…" Her eyebrows shoot up in surprise, "...wanted to talk to me about Lauren-"
"Did that bitch try something again?"
"No," My heart skips a beat, did she? "I don't think so, anyway. He thinks I've been distant lately," I try to laugh, like its a crazy notion. "Because Lauren keeps trying to steal him from me."
"Hmm." Is all she says, although she looks like she wants to say more. She glances at Mr. Moore sitting behind his desk in the corner of the room then takes another look at Jake's vacated seat (which causes my heart to stutter in my chest.) Alice sighs and picks up her backpack. "Well, let's go before you get another tardy slip and Miss Davenport snatches that cheerleading skirt right off of you."
I let out a little laugh in agreement, she's not wrong, Miss Davenport would kick me off the team if I get too many tardy slips. But still, the sudden change subject leaves me feeling uneasy.
When I walk into Miss Davenport's class right as the bell rings (I, of course, receive a lecture. Being one of her Cheer girls, I'm supposed to be setting an example!) I see Jake sitting at our shared desk, waiting for me. Thankfully, it's impossible for us to talk without someone overhearing and I refuse to write anything down that could be confiscated if we're caught. The truth is, I really don't want to speak to him yet. The hurt is still too fresh. Besides, it's obvious that I need to regain some perspective when it comes to him. Unfortunately, however, it seems the longer we go without speaking the angrier he gets. Throughout the hour, I can see it in the twitch of his jaw and clenching of his fists. I may be free from speaking to him for now but soon all bets would be off. (Ha! I wish!)
Needless to say, Homeroom, doesn't offer me any reprieve. The minute he gets the chance, Jake excuses us to "study." He grabs my hand and drags me into the office-converted-student lounge where everything started.
Depositing me on the old orange coach he begins, "Let me get this straight, instead of being happy that I gave you the best orgasm of your life, you're mad because we didn't cuddle?"
"No, that-"
"You realize I'm not your fucking boyfriend, right?"
"Yeah! I realize that a little too well!" I jump up, practically standing chest to chest with him now.
"Good! Cause I don't do that shit! I'm not going to buy you fucking flowers or confess my undying love for you!"
"Well, thanks for clearing that up! As if I could forget that I'm anything other than a stupid bet to you!"
Exasperated, Jake rakes his hands through his hair and turns from me, nearly shouting, "Fuck!"
But I'm done. I push past him and go back to my seat.
He leaves me alone after that.
~~~ BoM ~~~
Turning a hundred and eighty degrees from the side, I examine myself in the dressing room mirror. After two weeks, Alice has finally gotten me to go dress shopping with her. Two long, excruciating weeks where I've thrown myself into schoolwork and cheerleading and tried very hard not to think about a certain bet that involves a certain teenager that's turned my life into a certain clusterfu- nope, I'm not thinking of that.
I've seen Edward as much as I ever have and he seems happier now that I'm not being "distracted" by the guy I'm not thinking about- who, by the way, hasn't bothered to talk to me since that day in study hall. Sometimes, he acts like he wants to say something only to scowl instead. Which is fine. It's fine.
Okay, so, it's obviously not fine.
Who does he think he is? If he does ever speak to me again it better be to apologize.
Oh, he'll talk to you again, my inner voice snides, he has too much pride to call off the bet.
Ugh, I really hate my inner voice.
"Are you about done in there? I have six more for you to try on!" Alice shouts from the otherside of the dressing room door. Opening it, I let Alice take a look at my current dress, she nixes it immediately and hands me the others in her hand. I take them and pass her the ones I've already decided against.
Originally, I planned on wearing a simple dress that I already owned to Homecoming but all of that changed this morning.
Our Principal's voice booms over the intercom but I hardly pay attention. All of my focus is on the boy sitting directly behind me, his eyes burning a hole into my back, while I fight the urge to peek over my shoulder at him. I don't think I've registered a word the Principal's said until he begins listing the nominees for Homecoming court and a certain name catches my attention For King: Edward Cullen, Tyler Crowley and Zachary Holt. For Queen: Lauren Mallory, Jessica Stanley and Bella Swan.
Correction, make that two names.
Shock registers and I look straight to Alice who gives me a knowing smile, which could only mean she already knew about this and is possibly the one who nominated me.
"Figures," Jake grunts behind me. I try my best to ignore him.
"Text Charlie," Alice practically bounces out of her seat, overly excited, "Tell him we're going to Port Angeles right after school. We have some shopping to do!"
Which brings me here, trying on probably the seventeenth dress today. They've all sort of blended in together, some poofy, some sleek, some super slutty and others too refined.
Flipping through Alice's most recent finds I pick one that's a pretty black, beaded with a low neckline but not too low. I've just slipped off my current dress when she knocks at my door again. "Really, Alice? I haven't even had time to-"
But, He stands on the other side of the door. I'd swung it open while I spoke, assuming it was Alice but here he is, looming over me in his too-tight, tee shirt, leather jacket, and jeans. A gust of cool air coming from the open door alerts me of my state of undress. I quickly lift the hanger in my hand, using the pretty black dress to cover my strapless bra and panties. Seriously? This is the secondtime he's walked in on me changing! Does he wait until my clothes are off on purpose?
"Wha-" that's all I'm able to get out before he takes one large step, crowding me back into the dressing room and himself inside, the door swinging shut behind him. In one fluid motion, he pulls me against him, his left hand going behind my back and his right threading into my hair while his lips press against mine. I can't help it, I return the kiss ardently while my heart threatens to burst through my chest. He takes another step causing my bare back to press against the mirror behind me and it's freezing.
"Cold!" I shout and try to get away from the icy glass, which is sort of difficult to do since Jake's solid body is locking me in. "Cold! That's cold." An amused smile tugs at his lips as he relents.
To be honest, I'm slightly embarrassed by my outburst but I have more pressing matters to deal with, like why he's barging into my dressing room and kissing me after two weeks of nothing.
His eyes rove over me from top to bottom, "You know I've seen you in less, right? Much less."
I glance down to the hanger still clutched to my chest and yeah, okay, it's kind of silly that I'm covering myself when he's seen the most intimate parts of me but I'm not brazen enough to just drop it away. If anything, I hold it tighter, trying to hide more of me.
"What are you doing here?"
"I thought that was obvious." As if he needs to prove his point he descends on me again, his lips going straight for my pulse point.
"But-but this is the girls dressing room!" Sure, Bella, state the obvious, as if he doesn't already know this! Get it together! "I mean, why are you here?"
"I told you."
Placing my free hand on his chest I push him back with a low and forceful, "No!"
I'm actually really proud of myself for that one. I can be assertive when I want to be. "You can't just come in here and start-start…" my free hand waves dramatically, "doing this!"
Of course, Jacob sighs and leans back against the door, crossing his arms and legs.
"Why are you here?" I try again.
He gives a half-hearted shrug, "Maybe I missed you."
I'd be lying if I said my traitorous heart didn't just skip a beat. Too-much hope fills my chest, "Did you?"
A slight smile, a real one, not his trademark smirk, "I missed that."
I'm not sure what he means. I'm about to ask when, "Have you tried the lavender one yet? I want to see it on you." Oh,crap! Alice!
"N-no, not yet! I'll try it on next and be out in a minute." I wait until I hear her footsteps fade away. "Oh my God, she didn't see you come in here, did she?" He gives me an affronted look. "Of course not. If you can sneak into bedrooms undetected, you can sneak into a dressing room." I laugh, it sounds slightly hysterical. Quickly, I find the lavender dress and glance down at the black one still covering me. I can't do this one handed. "Um, close your eyes."
"You're kidding."
"Please?" Maybe it's because I'm practically begging but after grumbling a low curse he turns around. I yank the dress on as quickly as I can, which is actually sort of difficult since the majority of the dress is made up of sequins and the material doesn't give a lot of pull. The low cut back makes it easy for me to zip, the fabric ending right at the small of my back. When I'm finished, I'm surprised to find that Jake is still facing the door.
"Okay," I say, letting him know he can look now. His eyes sweep up and down the length of me, his gaze slowly devouring me inch by inch.
"Fuck me," he exhales and I blush, knowing it's a compliment.
"Really?"
"Yeah, that's the kind of dress I can't wait to take off you."
Biting my lip, I run my hands up and down the sides, looking in the mirror, trying to see what he sees. "Okay, I'll get this one."
"No."
"What?"
He swiftly pulls me to him, his hand wraps around my hair, angling my face up to his. He kisses me with a new, ferocious intensity.
"No one else is going to see you in that dress."
"But I-"
"No." His lips are on mine again, demanding, dominating. It causes my knees to buckle. "Any guy who sees you in that dress is going to want to fuck you and I'd really hate to have to kill somebody."
Oh. I feel a little heady, his kiss on top of his reaction and words. I wrap my arms around his neck and let his lips cover mine again.
"Bella!" Oh, shit! Alice! "Could you please tell Jake that you'll make out with him later? We're running out of time! Homecoming is this Friday!"
A/N: okay, so let me start by saying, Wow! 6 years. That's how long it's been since I've even looked at BoM. My excuse? I got a big-girl job and I had kids. However, I found some free time and I thought, hey, I still know where I want this story to go, maybe I can work on it. So I did. I will say though that I haven't written anything in a while and I feel a little out of sorts. I apologize if this chapter reads differently than the others. It was really hard fo me to find Bella's voice again and get back into the groove of things. (And, you know, 6 years makes a bit of a difference..)
Lastly I'd like to apologize for errors. I'm sure there's more than a few. I didn't ask anyone to Beta. I just kinda figured my original beta had moved on in life and you've (those of you who are still with me) have waited long enough. You don't mind right?
Heres hoping chapter 16 comes quickly and you're not stuck waiting another 6 years...